Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

Mumofjz - can't believe you're posting such victim-blaming nonsense in the very same week Mumsnet has launched a campaign to try to educate people like you. Maybe you should read up a bit?

DP here sometimes, infrequently, wakes up a little interested in the middle of the night (as I sometimes do too) and might cuddle up a bit closer to me and if i wake then we might end up having sleepy sex, but this is also consensual, both of us fully aware of what is happening, albeit both of us drousy at the same time...very different if he is fully awake and not waiting for you to wake to see if you actually want to.

Mumofjz, and PuffPants, you are exactly the reason why the "We Believe You" campaign is needed.

OP please ignore people like them. For some reason some people prefer to question the rape victim and make them feel like shit than to support them.

I hope you're doing ok.

Thanks AF.

That is so sad.

I am shocked at some of the posts on here.

I think waking up and being in your child's room within seconds is totally different to not being able to move when your husband is assaulting you.

MUM :::I can well believe that she was unable to fight back...it's self-protection..."I can't believe this is happening" loads of rape victims fail to fight back...even if it is violent, they are awake and quite clear that no is what they want to say

....and even IF you could excuse him once (and I don't think I could) if she's said no in the cold, clear light of day once...then he knows it's NO.

Maybe Mumof and Puff are going through similar situations.

Puffpants, I think your dh's fantasy is quite common. I've had several partners who've begged to be said they'd love to be woken up like this and I've done that before as well. It's not the same as what's happening to op at all!! First, the guy has literally asked for it.
What's happening to op is completely different. Not only has she not invited it, she's said she hates it and he's apologised - because he bloody KNOWS it's wrong! And he's gone on to do it again. It's a horrible abusive thing. Not at all like what you've described.

Sorry op.

Please forgive me if I speak out of turn. But there is something about your posts that niggles a little.
Does this always happen when you go to bed really tired?
Do you find it strange that you are so tired that you are unable to come around and tell him to stop?
Do you suspect there has been other times where he has done this and where you have not woken up?

Do you take any medication to get you to sleep?

I think you need to talk to rape crisis or womans aid. sorry. How awful for you.

I had similar thoughts QH, maybe being paranoid but something sounds not quite right there :(

The law is very clear on this, even if some victim-blaming idiots are not. The law places the emphasis on the word 'yes' - not whether a victim has or hasn't said 'no'.

The law says that consent has to be given.

It wasn't.

Oh, I am sorry to hear this OP. This is not good.

I had a relationship once with a guy who did this to me. The most unjust thing was that I would only just be coming around enough to think/speak etc, and he would be almost finished. I had no choice in the matter, not even to fight him off. What else is this but rape?

I've reported that bit of victim blaming and urge the rest of the posters on this to do so too.

I can't speak for the OP obviously but as for myself, I'm quite a heavy sleeper. The night my ex did this to me I wasn't on any medication and I wasn't ill or anything, I was just tired. Also, as I woke up, I sort of went into shock. It was like I couldn't move.

Think of it this way - it's possible to move sleeping baby, take their coat off, even give them a bottle, without waking them but the doorbell might snap them awake straight away. When you're asleep your brain is tuned into danger signals, and someone moving you about won't necessarily trigger that. Seeing your partner above you as you open your eyes doesn't necessarily signal danger, not if you trust them, so it takes your brain a long time to register what's going on. Add to that the fact that something terrible is happening you can't quite believe it and the OP's reaction is totally understandable.

It makes me sick that rape victims are asked by women to justify their actions.

I've seen some horrible stuff on MN in the past, but asking a rape victim why she didn't "move her hips out of the way" makes me want to punch something very hard.

I think what QH and Ephiny are worried about is that the husband may possibly have drugged the OP, Cailin. Even more awful to have to think about.

I didn't think of that sparkle :(

Yes that's what I was getting at...not saying he did do this (it could have been as CailinDana experienced) but the possibility did come to mind.

It's an awful situation either way, and not in any way the OPs fault.

So if this was your daughter or sister or mother, you'd have no problem with it? Do me a favour...

Mumofjz, what are you trying to achieve? The OP has told us her perception of what happened, which might be different from her husband's perception. The fact of the matter is she asked him not to do it, he did it anyway. She told him expressly not to do it, so therefore it is rape. I don't know why you're so keen to defend her husband.

Personally I'm horrified that people are questioning the OP, why didn't you do this or that, why didn't you move etc

I am of the opinion if ANYONE touches you sexually without your consent, then that is sexual assault.
That is just my opinion and not everyone has to agree, however, the OP is trying to get her head around what is happening to her, I would imagine it is hard enough trying to put into word and accept what happened to her without people questioning the validity of her story.
The Op

have a problem with what? them waking up to find their husband wanting sex with them and them not wanting too, they would tell them to F.OFF and then if he forced himself, yes that is rape and i would throw the book at him!