Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

Sorry, have been doing tea and settling the baby down to sleep.

He probably will guess that I'll post on here are he knows I'm on here every day. I have name changed from my usual name.

I'm a sahm so don't have access to much money but dh does pay a percentage of his wage into my account each month and I get the TC and CB.

I've read every post and I'm really taking it in. I'm just so tired today.

I don't think dh is a danger to me as such. I'm sure he isn't planning anything bad.

I promise I will phone rape crisis on Monday although what do I say to them. I can't say that my h did that. I won't be able to say the words. I might email them instead.

You don't have to say the word even if you talk to them. You don't even have to say what happened. How are you feeling?

I'm feeling pretty sad. Going to go to bed shortly. Really tired.

:( hugs for you pandas

can you call womens aid too, just for some advice about where to go from here. Your opening post says I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision. and they will be able to help you in respect to that.

Hi Pandas....bet you are not hard work, bet you actually work hard, look after everyone, put everyone else's needs over your own...and are worn down and worn out by the way this man who should love, cherish and nurture you has spoken to you and used you.

DO NOT take the blame for his attitude, he should not treat you like this, he should not talk to you like this.

Wish I could give you a real hug but have a virtual one instead.

Hi littlepandas just to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope you know that you will come through this a stronger person even though it hurts like hell right now. Sending you a safe hug xx

Why are you worrying about your parents being in your H's house Panda when you've said that they won't support you and never have supported you in the past? You don't owe them ANYTHING and you are certainly not obligated to see that they have a roof over their heads to the detriment of your own wellbeing and safety. Please do not put their needs above your own, they sound so undeserving of your care.

As for your husband, he is an utter scumbag, a rapist and a vile excuse for a man. I have been ill and there have been times in our marriage where DH and I have not had sex for long periods of time as a result but he has never done anything to make me feel bad about this, let alone think that he could use my body without my consent. No decent man ever would. You have been abused and beaten down by a horrible excuse for a human being. I bet you are lovely, please think only of yourself and your children, you deserve a better life where you can be happier, you truly do.

I'm not going to be on much today because it's mothers day and I want to put this out of my head for one day and focus on my dc.

HereIAm, you are the person I thought must know me in rl but now it makes sense, your a psychiatrist. I suspect you're very good at your job xx

Sorry, HereIGo I meant!!

tlp im a sahm in the northwest too.

if im close enough, i can meet you for coffee, soft play for kids etc. no pressure- if you dont feel up to it. pm me if you do.

hope you had a nice mother's day. x

OP, I'm so sorry for your experience. I know only too well how mentally confusing and draining it is when someone who is supposed to love you does something that shakes your entire view of them.

I had previous partners who used to do similar things to yours (when I was asleep or medicated or drunk), despite knowing I didn't like it after the fact. Most would try and tell me I was making a big deal out of it. One of them, like yours, would mutter something along the lines of 'sorry', but then do it again.

It got to the point where I really felt like I was the abnormal one, and so tolerated the behaviour even though it did make me feel dirty and like a piece of meat. It wore down my own belief in my right to refuse until it was almost nonexistant.

It was only until I met my present husband that I realised just what a healthy, respectful, and consensual sex life could be like.

He would start stroking me gently while I was asleep (just on the arm or down my side). I would wake up, not want to have sex, but not say or do anything to refuse (because I felt this would be making a fuss!)

To my surprise, he would stroke me gently for a few minutes, and then when he saw I wasn't responding... he would stop and go to sleep!

It took a couple more times of this happening for me to realise he was waiting for my consensual response before proceeding.

His approach has never changed. To this day, if I respond and begin touching/kissing him back, we proceed. If I say no, he stops. If I lie there and do nothing/continue sleeping, he stops.

It is only in the light of this relationship that I can see how awful (and sexually objectified) I actually felt in my previous relationships. I feel for you because I know how confused I would have felt back then if someone had tried to open my eyes about how I was being treated.

A loving partner will care about how you feel about sex in any circumstances, not just about getting what they want from you.

Sorry for the length! But your post really struck a chord in my heart. You shouldn't have to feel the way you do.

Panda have you call Rape Crisis? How did it go?

I haven't phoned them yet. I have to take this slowly, one step at a time. The first step was this thread.

Sassy, I can't meet up with anyone really as I'm terrified of anyone knowing about this in real life. Thank you though. Maybe I'll get to a point where I can do it.

HereIGo, I seriously wish you were my psychiatrist. You're so insightful and compassionate. Some of the things you say are so accurate it's scary!

Whiteshores, I'm sorry for the crap you have been through but it wonderful that you are now with such a good man. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It can't be easy to think back.

The thing that is worrying me at the moment is that if I leave H I will literally have nobody. Not one single soul. No family to support me, no friends. I will be alone and that terifys me.

Somebody said when you grow up with a narc mother you spend your whole life desperately seeking love and approval. That us so true. I have had bad relationship after bad relationship. I have slept with people just to feel close to somebody. I spend every day wanting every person I come into contact with to like me, even if I don't like them!!!

One hugely positive thing I have done is speak to my GP. He had offered to refer me to a counsellor because of my depression but I'd said no. I have changed my mind now though so he has put me on the waiting list. I know it a female counsellor so hopefully I'll be able to talk to her. The waitng list is quite big though.

Panda -- Think a little about your fear of being 'known', (it is a very common fear) and how it relates to 'I spend every day wanting every person I come into contact with to like me, even if I don't like them'. Do you think people would like you if they 'knew you'?

The facade you have put up (and the majority of abused women put it up) is protecting your H and may turn out to be a fence that keeps you locked in. It's not true that every day you go bottling this all up makes it more difficult to eventually break out and say the words, or even reach out in a timid way and whisper it to someone, but it may feel like that. There is no good time to say these things and there is no bad time. Just consider yourself in limbo right now, and the possibility of rejoining the vast and beautiful life that is out there awaits you when you are ready -- but try to get enthusiastic about that beautiful life that could be yours. It really can be yours. You don't have to put up with the one you have and you don't have to respect your fence.

It is easy to be overwhelmed by a sense of shame that you, an adult, could have somehow let things happen to you like this. Your pride is probably not your best friend here. Saving face means shooting yourself in the foot.

It is easy to feel that you retain a modicum of control over the situation as long as it 'belongs' only to you and to fear that once others know about it, it will take on a life of its own, or people will think thoughts about you that you won't be able to control, like thinking you are a failure, or saying why didn't you tell us earlier, or why didn't you leave, or just not getting what is so bad about it, or they won't like you as much as you want them to when they know.

It has to come to a point where you know you have to save your own self and let everyone else just catch up, and accept that the problem here is his. This is the way the vast majority of people will be able to see it.

You just happened to get in the wrong place, wrong time. The truth is, your H would have treated any woman the way he is treating you. Whoever he married would have ended up in your shoes.

Above all else, you want to feel safe, and that is why the familiar, bad as it is, seems safer to you than the unknown.

This is a blog you might like to poke around in.

And well done you for talking to your GP. Inquire from time to time about the waiting list, and if you can find a private therapist in the meantime that you can afford, maybe go there instead?

Also, calling WA may result in you being referred to someone a bit sooner.

Big clap on the back and admiration for talking to the GP...

But out there, in the unknown, there are people who will like you for who you are, who will support you...there is a whole life out there and when you feel you can take some steps towards it you will begin to see and to believe that you can embrace it.

You have done nothing wrong so if anyone knows you it doesn't really matter. Though I understand that it does to you.

Right, I found some courage and I just emailed rape crisis my op from this thread. eek!

Oh well done my love! You're doing so well.

I hope they come back to you quickly and you find it helpful.

Well done. That must have been really hard but you have made the first step at starting your new life where you are safe.

I am so proud of you for doing that, well done.

I was the one who talked about the narcmother, and I too went through years of really bad relationships, each one progressively worse than the last, in an attempt to find love and acceptance, but ended up just getting very badly damaged. An inbetween I slept around ALOT (well, for those days and my small group of friends) i was mistrustful of women, and had very messed up view of men.
During the worst bit, just before my dad threw my ex out, I spent most of my days doped up to avoid having to think, just managing to look after my baby (she was just 2 at this point) I went to a couple of toddler groups, and just about held it together to have the odd conversation, but didnt form any friendships until a bit later, after he had left, and after I had had therapy. I realised that there were alot of people I could be friends with - maybe not best buddies, but even now I am sometimes surprised the way conversations go, and how people are willing to listen and help if you just let them.

Well Done! Hang in there now. Lots of people are sending you good vibes.