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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question about H

709 replies

ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 11:52

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

Blush in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 14/03/2012 14:05

glad you are ok and taking what you need from the thread

curious...the OP said previously that she had confronted her partner and said no on other occasions....suggest you do read the other posts!!!

wannaBe · 14/03/2012 14:06

cg the op takes medication that makes her drowsy, so she barely woke up before he'd finished. She has told him after the event she doesn't want him to do it, yet het has done so again.

Vast difference between sleepy sex and one person having sex with another who is so out of it that they can't say no.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 14:07

Pandas - take care of yourself x

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2012 14:10

A key factor is that this man is not interested in having sex with you the way you would like it. He won't have sex with you when you are conscious and interested and willing. He wants you unconscious. This shows very clearly how he sees you: an object that exists for his benefit.

And this is not at all, in any way, down to him being 'frustrated' that you won't 'let him' have sex on you more often. He doesn't want your participation in the act.

I think he is potentially very dangerous indeed.

LucyManga · 14/03/2012 14:11

I totally agree, solidgoldbrass.

fabwoman · 14/03/2012 14:12

Are you covered for contraception too as I am not sure he is going to bother with a condom?

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 14:15

it's kinda wearing to have to keep repeating the same stuff to people who haven't read the OP's posts properly, or are projecting their own happy, sleepy consensual sex lives on others

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:16

I agree AnyFucker. Some posters seem determined to misinterpret the OP's posts. What she's saying is very clear.

CagneyNLacey · 14/03/2012 14:19

What I dont understand is if you cant even be arsed to read all the posts, why take the time to ask the op if she's sure about her perception of events at all?

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:20

Exactly Cagney. There is no ambiguity in what the OP is saying. It's not her misinterpreting lovely sleepy sex as something else, not by a very long chalk.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 14/03/2012 14:20

Pandas,

I totally get that you're head is battered, but you are worth more than this.

A part of you is ready to deal with this and you can do that as slowly as you feel comfortable with.

There will be a whole load of support here for you to take whatever steps you need to at your pace.

I can't say anything wiser or more eloquently than some of the posters have already done, but I'm just adding a voice of support if I may.

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 14:20

Yes it is clear. Some posters do not want to see though. Some people keep their fragile psyches safe with rape myths.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 14:22

I think CG meant well but is misguided. The others, not so much.

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2012 14:25

Anyfucker - I wasn't projecting 'my own happy, sleepy, consensual sex life'

In fact, I said I'm alseep and he starts. I have a baby, I work shifts, I'm knackered. Sometimes I don't wake up until almost the end too.. but it is in no way rape. I'm just trying to balance the argument a little bit. The OP wrote about her experience and everyone screamed rape, which is a little scary.

I just thought maybe the other side should be looked at a little bit. Does the OP truly believe she has been raped? Or is it something else? Some people like to start to have sex with someone while they're asleep, and it doesn't have to be a vicious thing, it doesn't make the sleeping person a piece of meat. t can just be that... the OP said that she says no after when they talk about it? Can you not say no during? Would he not stop?

I understand that this is a sensitive subject, but that doesn't mean that all posts should be the same.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 14:26

I can be persiuaded to change my mind... < sigh >

antlerqueen · 14/03/2012 14:27

To those who don't see it as rape, would it be different if the OP lived alone and woke up in the night with a stranger doing these things to her? Because i think this is on a par/ maybe worse (not that you could measure these things), because if you are in a relationship, you trust the other person not to hurt you/ use you/ abuse you.

Pozzled · 14/03/2012 14:28

Op, I hope you are ok. It must be very hard to process all of this and be confronted with the word 'rape'. You did know what it was when you posted- but I'm sure seeing it in black and white is tough.

To all the rape apologists- it's been said, but I'll say it again. A bit of sleepy sex or being woken by gentle touching, in the context of a close and loving physical relationship, is great. This is NOT what the OP is describing. Even with 'sleepy sex' it's pretty damn obvious when a person is consenting, or indeed able to consent at all. And if it isn't obvious, then you bloody well wait and check. ANy decent man would do so.

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2012 14:28

Anyfucker - I'm not that bothered about what you think. I'm just trying to say that the OP needs to be sure. Saying that you were raped is a serious thing.

It happened to a friend of mine, and the woman involved was out and out lying. I know that is not what is happening here, but as a result of it I have seen what happen to someone accused of something that didn't actually happen and it is so damaging.

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2012 14:29

antlerqueen - that is not on a par or worse. Your husband who you share a life and a bed with is very different from a stranger.

fabwoman · 14/03/2012 14:30

Really, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The OP feels how she feels. That makes it wrong.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 14:31

fgs, are you trying to post a "rape myths bingo" here, CG ?

"women lie about being raped too"

what next ?

LucyManga · 14/03/2012 14:31

Oh please, curiousgeorgie. READ THE OP'S POSTS!

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2012 14:31

Anyfucker - you can see what I'm trying to say. Don't make it something its not.

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2012 14:32

I have Lucy.

And I think she's being very led by all of you.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 14:33

by that token, you are saying that a husband has more rights over his wife's sexual organs than a stranger, CG

won't you people think about what are you saying ?

FWIW, rape in marriage is now a crime (although only relatively recently is that the case)

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