Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

"In day to day life he would go to the ends of the earth for me, he really would."

And that gives him the right to rape you? Is that what you would teach your children?

I utterly, completely get that he could be nice in all other respects. But once you look at the facts of what is going on, the nice stuff doesn't matter.

I think talking to someone who has experience (at Rape Crisis or similar) would help. This has, sadly, happened to lots of people and I expect many of them also found it hard to get their heads round it too. But there are people who can help you deal with it all.

op, you said that you are considering the future of your relationship anyway, why is this?

Everyone has good points, but that doesn't mean those good points absolve him from the bad ones. There must be other reasons why you want to leave this man, not that I'm downplaying what he's done to you, but as you said it happens every few years or so I imagine there have been other things as well which have cast doubt over your relationship.

Think about all the things that make you want to leave.

Sexual violation is about control. Does he control you in other ways? Remember it doesn't have to be outright telling you what you can and can't do, control can be subtle, and it's only when you think about it that it becomes apparent.

Af, I know they've heard it many times but that doesn't make it easier for me to say it. I still need to get my head round the idea of what's he done. I feel so overwhelmed atm I can't even think about it for too long.

If you are already thinking of leaving your husband would it make it easier for you to use something else he has done to you as a reason to go?

Wannabe, the other things are trivial. Small things that drive me mad but all build up to me being fed up of him.

Can you try writing it down first, maybe here on your safe thread 'My husband raped me'. Then maybe say it out loud at home? Because those people are there to support you, it's the definition of their existence, and they can and will help you if you can bring yourself to speak to them.

They are not trivial things TLP, I'd bet my life on it. Tell us about him, about your relationship together and as a family.

op you don't have to say it.

You can admit what he's done to you without having to utter the words.

Look, you did it in your op.

Read your op out loud.

You know what it says. Anyone listening to it, knows what it says.

Read your op out loud, then pick up the phone to rape crisis and read what you wrote in your op.

They will understand.

Being a victim of rape is not something you have to admit to; you are not the one in the wrong here.

An ex of mine did this to me once. I woke up to find him touching me and taking my clothes off. It took me a good couple of minutes to wake up at which point I jumped out of bed and ran into the spare room. I slept there for the night and broke up with him the next day. He was very remorseful, and is generally a lovely person, in fact I still speak to him now and again, but I could never trust him after that. He tried to make out I was making too big a deal of it, but I knew I wasn't.

FWIW I don't really see it as rape as such (even though technically it is). I suppose that's partly because I've suffered a lot worse than that. The way I view it is that he's the kind of person who doesn't think ahead to how his actions affect others. That's true of other aspects of his behaviour. He is a good person deep down and we had a lovely relationship but he is fundamentally immature in his approach to relationships and that was a deal breaker for me.

Dealing with the word "rape" is very tough. You might think it doesn't apply because you're not distraught. In bald terms it is rape, but thinking of it that way might actually cloud your thinking rather than help it. The main issue is that he has repeatedly ignored your very clearly expressed wishes to do something that you find deeply upsetting. That is not acceptable.

"Wannabe, the other things are trivial. Small things that drive me mad but all build up to me being fed up of him." Tell us about him.

The thousands of little things.....death by a thousand cuts????
The rape is a big thing...but i didn't even admit it until I had called a halt for the thousand other things....

be brave OP we are here for you

That exactly it. He is basically a good person who just doesn't think sometimes. It's only when you point it out to him that he sees how his actions could be construed.

My ex used to do this to me too, once or twice a week for a few years he said he thought I was pretending to be asleep (even though I would tell him in the morning that I was asleep), but sometimes he'd admit he knew I was asleep and would joke about trying hard not to wake me, when I told him it felt like rape he would say it can't be rape as you can't rape someone you're in a relationship with , he was abusive in many other ways too that I hadn't realised were abuse until I contacted womens aid, I had to eventually get a restraining order against him. Im sorry for your situation op, it took me a long time to realise, but just because he doesn't punch you doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

But you pointed it out to him...and he's done it again...did he think that you had forgotten just because a few months had gone by...or changed your mind??

I'm going to be the odd one out here.

My DH has always joked that being woken up by me going down on him would be the ultimate fantasy. Even when he's really tired, or ill etc he still maintains that there would never be a time he would wake up grumpy if I did that.

I have done so on occasion. He is always thrilled. But according to some of these posts, I am sexually assaulting him.

I would stop if he asked me to.

When you woke up and realised what was happening, did you ask him to stop? Or make any physical attempt to move him off you? Did you say no?

I am having a bit of trouble lately with this whole consent thing. Does it mean that every time you initiate sex you have to look each other in the eye and get a firm agreement to proceed?

OP, don't be overly influenced by strangers online insisting you leave your husband because of this. You believe you have an otherwise happy marriage and that he is a good dad, these are not things to be cast aside because of something peculiar that has happened a couple of times and could be down to many things. It needs exploring, of course. You need to tell him to stop it and perhaps you need to sleep apart for a while till he gets the message.

I'd have to think about the small things. My head is all over the place right now. I'm going to go and make a brew and I'll be back in a bit. Thank you all.

Being with someone like that is exhausting. It's like you can see a good person waiting to emerge and sometimes they make you so happy, but then caboom they do something so incredibly stupid and wrong like this and you just can't believe it.

IME people like this don't change. He will do it again.

It is rape and your husband is a rapist.

It's completely understandable and normal for a rape victim not to want to call what is happening to her rape and Rape Crisis understand this very well. Please talk to them, because they will not bully you into doing anything. They will give you information to help you keep yourself safe and they will give you options.

This will however happen again, of that there is no doubt.

And I am so sorry that this has happened to you

No I made no attempt to stop him. I just lay there. I couldn't speak as I still hadn't come round properly. And then he was done.

you say "He says he is just trying to see if I'm in the mood and wake me up. I guess he thinks that once he sees Im awake then I willing but I just don't have chance to realise what is happeninghe's trying to see if your in the mood" at this point when you have woken and aware do you tell him to get off or push him away, do you indicate you're not happy with what's going on?

I'm not condoning what he's doing, but haven't we all (at least once) woke the the other half up with seduction (touching, kissing, stroking) and it's led on to sex - without a word muttered??? Would that be seen as rape?

You mentioned that sex is rare, does that suit you both? is that on his part? your part?

When I talk to him about it he seems shocked and remorseful. He often just looks bewildered and keeps saying "yes, you're right. I'm sorry". He always seem genuinely sorry. But then it happens again - what is it you say to him? Do you tell him that at that presice moment you feel violated, that if he wants sex you would rather he woke you fully and ask the question and get an answer? Why do you think he does this?

I also think that your not inlove with your husband, you're thinking of leaving him, so surely that would mean on your part that you don't want intimacy with him, if he's not thinking along the same lines, he might just thinks he's having sex with his wife (albeit a quickie) and she just doesn't want to be woken up!

I think your bigger problem is your relationship with your husband, you need to tell him that your not happy with the relationship and not sure if you want it to continue. when i was breaking up with my EXP, the very thought of any intimacy would make me feel sick.

Are you serious Puffpants? Serious? I am speechless. I hope you wouldn't say such things to a daughter if she confided something similar to you? Unbelievable.

PuffPants, your situation is entirely and utterly different. Your DH asked you to do that, he gave explicit consent prior to it happening. It was also very clear to you that he enjoyed it and you said yourself you would stop if he said no.

The OP has told her DH in the past, clearly, not to do this. She has said a clear and explicit no. And yet he did it anyway and it would have been pretty obvious that she wasn't participating.

You are not sexually assaulting your DH, you are participating in a mutually enjoyable fantasy. The OP's DH is assaulting her. There is a very very clear difference.