Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

You are not a basket case

He is the one who is fucked up

Please seek some RL help. I feel sick with concern for you. I don't even now you. Is he concerned for you ? Or concerned with keeping you weak and trapped in this situation of his making ?

I am going to ring rape crisis on Monday. I do need to talk to somebody.

He is not concerned about me. He has gone off to finish decorating the bathroom and left me in tears.

So what if you've been ill! I've been ill too but my dh supported me not raped me whilst apparently stopping fancying me! That's what loving partners do! I was a nightmare for a while and it was so hard for my dh. He didn't resort to rape though, why would he? Its not a normal why to react.

My dh has been mentally ill too and still is and although it is hard and it makes me frustrated sometimes it doesn't stop me loving him or make me molest him while he's asleep.

Tell us these awful things that he's had to put up with from you.

He isn't concerned because he thinks he has put you right back in your box.

Please don't tell him you are going to speak to a support service in RL. Keep that one to yourself for now.

I wish you were near me.

Find a tiny little kernel of anger, TLP. Nurture it, fan it to a flame. When you feel it flickering out of life, blow on it gently.

You do not deserve this.

Like a lot of women whose doctors have medicated them for depression instead of recognising the root cause of it in male human form, you are not a 'basket case'. You are married to a deeply manipulative man who would prefer that you thought you were losing your mind than your self-respect and dignity.

Once you are away from this man and have had some professional therapy, I think you'll find the depression will vanish.

Getting you to beg to stay in a marriage with a rapist is another way he has chosen to demean you. But you must see that it does demean you greatly pandas to do this. You must have been worn down so much by this man for it to come to this.

Please don't engage with him on this level any more and please get some legal advice, because I think your husband is plotting something here and none of it's in your best interests. Knowledge is power and someone needs to wrong-foot this bastard so that he doesn't get away with it .

The truth is I am a basket case. You're all so kind but if you really knew me and knew what hard work I am then you might think differently. Nobody else would have put up with the shit he has

I am for you on reading that statement DO NOT allow yourself to be manipulated into justifying his behaviour any further HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU

Illness makes no difference, if anything it only makes his behaviour worse, he is taking advantage of you at your lowest & thinks its okay& you think thats your fault - if any one else came to you with that tale, you would be looking at it the same way everyone else on this thread does - he is an abusive, manipulating RAPIST who by the sounds of it has beaten you down over years, so much so you cannot see the wood for the trees :(

& FTR, on these relationship threads, I tend to play devils advocate & its very rare for me to agree with AF etc - but I do this time - my own DH would never dream of thinking this sort of behaviour was okay & I too have a lot of health problems, he doesn't see sex with me as his RIGHT, but as something we share TOGETHER

This is a hard realisation for you, its no doubt destroying you right now, but chances are once you get shot of HIM , the "basket case you" will be very much a thing of the past - from everything you write HE sounds like the route cause of it all - you CAN find the strength to get out of this situation & you WILL do it for the sake of your DCs -

You have to understand THIS is the relationship role model they will build their future relationships on - ask yourself - IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR DCs - if you can't do it for yourself, you must find the strength to do it for them & in doing so free yourself from this awful trap too

Lots of good advice above - I would add also think of speaking with the Police, not necessarily to press charges, I can understand that might be a step too far for you right now :( but get it on record with them, just incase & also it can help your case with getting an injunction against him if you need to at a later date

As for his Mum, you are lovely to think of her, but don't think she doesn't know, she may well have picked up on it already - we've recently had friends split - the guy is been an arse & now its all out in the open, his Mum is actually a great support to the DIL

trust me, you WILL in time look back on this & wonder why the hell you put up with it for so long

Evil devil of a man is what he is using the excuse of i dont love u anymore and i dont find u attractive!- wtf !!! He is saying these things to hurt u further more. He is a RAPIST playing games with your emotions- for someone to enter into somebodys body whilst they are sleeping is rape. You are not a basket case he has just made u feel that way for his own needs to be justifiable to you. I hope u can find a new , happy life away from him with someone that respects you. I hope u get the help u need from rape crisis maybe they could even assist you in finding somewhere safe to live. Even though in dont know you i worry for you and i send you hugs

Think about it logically op. No one deserves to raped. Not mentally ill people. Not anyone. If it were a friend this was happening to what would you say to her?

"Well you're mentally ill, what did you expect? Of COURSE he raped you!"

No you wouldn't would you.

Oh I feel so angry on your behalf pandas he's a pathetic excuse of a man. So sorry you're going through this

He has told you (the man who wants you in your place so you will accept whatever he wants to do to you)
and your unspeakable mother has told you, hence why you ended up accepting this kind of treatment in your marriage too

You know what? I bet you aren't any more hard work than most people. Probably less than many because you have been trained to please (but not to accept any credit for it). Even if you were, you don't deserve treatment like this. Nobody does.

OK, I'm joining the ranks of the Officially Very Pissed Off now. It was a totally shitty thing to say to you. The bugger was rumbled in his dirty doings so he lashes back at you as cruelly as he knows how - no bruises on the body, but a great big purple one on the soul.

TLP - so gets to rape you because you've been ill? Jesus, what a fucking arrogant worm he is. I'm so on your behalf. You deserve so much more and though I'm sure it doesn't seem like it now I suspect you will get better if you don't have to put up with his egotistical shit anymore.

Read the thread again, find your anger again and get your life back, we are all behind you.

Given his behaviour, it's not surprising that he really doesn't care about you and that he doesn't love you.

Please, please, though, don't think that you have to put up with it just for the children or to have someone at your side.

It is much better to be alone.

I suspect your mental health will improve dramatically without his "help".

Even if you shagged multiple men in front of him it doesn't give him the right to do what he has done.

Even if you fed him bread and dripping every day for 6 years it doesn't give him the right to do this.

Even if you had sex once in 15 years it doesn't give him the right to do this to you.

I am bloody hard work. Doesn't give my husband any rights over my body.

Stay strong.

You are not one bit hard work. You are a 100% normal woman.

You are unfortunately married to a man who enjoys raping you and sticking a rusty knife into your precious heart.

Try to look on what has just been happening as a gift to you from the Universe. Somewhere out there, something is drawing back the veils and the fog and showing you things as they really are.

When he says he doesn't want to break up the family it is only because of the loss of status this would involve for him. Mentioning it at this time was designed to paint your situation in stark colours -- he is telling you you have to choose a loveless marriage where you must put up with being raped, or an unknown future, and somewhere deep down he has convinced himself that you need what he metes out, that you would fall on your face without him.

Look, if a person is 'very hard work' their partner might talk to them and try and reach a compromise. Or, if that didn't seem to be having the right effect, the partner might decide to end the relationship.
NOTHING justifies this man's treatment of you. Partners are not entitled to assault each other or constantly belittle and hurt each other; if your relationship is unsatisfactory, you walk, you don't decide that your partner has 'disappointed' you so therefore you can punish him/her through any means that take your fancy.

He is a horrible person who should be in prison. I think it's very likely that he has abused other people in the past, perhaps former partners, perhaps co-workers. He doesn't see other people as 'real', they are just things he can indulge himself with.

He has left you to stew in your own juices, as he imagines, while he decorates the bathroom.

Please, please do not let him know you post here.

How are you doing pandas?

Dear God this gets worse.

YOU are apologising and crying to HIM?

This situation is so serious pandas I thing you are going to have some kind of breakdown and very soon

PLEASE PLEASE get help. No one can cope with this level of abuse.

I am so worried about you OP. I really never say this on here but I have such an awful feeling about this.

Please tell us what you need to feel happy and safe.

Can you get hold of any money?

He is saying it because you didnt give up after the sniping yesterday.

It must be so awful for it all to be unravelling so rapidly, but I hope that you can just stand back for a second and see how this is a totally unreasonable and OTT reaction to you making a stand against something which, even in the eyes of the law, is criminal behaviour.
I hope that it will make you realise that it is not you that is the problem here. You suggested that there were other things which you felt uneasy about. You recognised that you have spent alot of your recent life drugged, and I suspect that it was to quieten the small voice that was alerting you to danger, as maybe, deep down, you knew that this would be the reaction that pulling him up on stuff would have.

If you have been brought up by a narc mother, you have been searching for love and acceptance by someone for being you. the kind of man who targets women with this particular vulnerability are aware of that, and they know that threatening to withdraw their love cuts deeper than anything. THAT is why he is telling you that he doesnt love you and doesnt find you attractive. Its because he knows that he has pushed you as far as he could and that the control game is up. Its literally get you under control or finished time now. He knows you know that what he has done is very very wrong. He knows that you are serious about reporting him, so he has to stop FOR THE TIME BEING. So he has turned the tables and is making it all your fault, looking for your achillies heel and sticking the dagger in. He doesnt want an equal relationship with you. He is not the perfect man that he has made you believe he is (though I suspect that the ADs may also demonstrate that deep down you already know this) the 'niceness' is part of the abuse because it contrasts so starkly with the abuse you are suffering, and that confuses your already shakey view of reality.

I am seriously worried as to what he will do in order to get you back under control, as he has invested alot of time to get you to the point you are now. And if he does manage it, he WILL carry on doing what he has been doing, and he WILL get your consent or agreement that it is reasonable to do so. He will suggest that you are crazy. He will threaten to leave, and if you call his bluff he will threaten to take the kids and leave you without a penny. He will cry and pretend remorse. PLEASE read the Lundy book - i know you said you ordered it. Please hide all your online stuff. Please dont tell him/show him this thread or the book.

I might be tempted to just go very quiet and keep your head down whilst getting the information and resources to get away. You dont want your kids to see this as a normal way to behave.
I seriously think that people (men really) seem to be getting away with so much because their behaviour is to do with sex. and 'nice' women dont talk about sex, well, not in intimate detail.