Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

if he's not thinking along the same lines, he might just thinks he's having sex with his wife (albeit a quickie) and she just doesn't want to be woken up!

I am having a really hard time believing a woman wrote that! He is not having sex with his wife, he is RAPING his wife. Sex is mutual, it is consensual. How is this consensual sex when she is asleep????

I lay awake most of the night and realised that I'm basically screwed. My whole life is so tightly wound up with this man that I can't see a way out. I actually can't divorce him because it will mess up so many lives.

TLP, you don't have to figure this all out by yourself- do you have family or friends to support you and help you work out the practicalities of leaving him? Though it'd be a big disruption to leave, once you're through the other side it'll be better for you. You deserve better.

TLP - I feel for you . If you think you cannot make the giant leap away, then you need to state emphatically to your other half that you will not tolerate this horrid intrusion into your personal space. I wish you lulck TLP. YOu must feel absolutely wretched. I know because I have felt that myself. YOu feel like you want someone to take over and live your life for you until you can see more clearly. How is dh behaving today?

I have absolutely nobody in rl that I can tell about this. Seriously, that's no going to happen. Plus it would ruin the lives of so many people. It's so hard to explain without outing myself because I've been on mn years under my other name and have been very open about who I am. I have MNers on my fb.

But if you stay with him, it may ruin your life.

I actually can't divorce him because it will mess up so many lives.

It may actually mess them up a lot less than you think it will. And YOUR quality of life counts too, you know. The people whose lives you are worried about are presumably people who love you - and as such I think they would be absolutely horrified to learn that you were making such a huge sacrifice, that you were effectively giving up your own happiness, for their sake. This is not what they would want for you.

I actually can't divorce him because it will mess up so many lives

What about your life? You are a valuable and worthwhile individual too, you know.

Pandas :(

You don't have to go from 0 to 60 in six seconds, you know. You can start thinking about a medium-term strategy for when the DC are older, and in the meantime take measures to stop your DH ever raping you again. Would separate bedrooms be practical? If you can gradually disengage then maybe in a few months or years you'll realise that leaving would be quite plausible after all.

Also bear in mind that it is probably not great for your DC to grow up in this dynamic - even though they don't see the worst of his behaviour they will be picking up on signals.

:( I do feel for you. I do hear what you're saying about messing up so many lives and that it just must seem impossible to move on. but please don't forget that all the people who rely on your for whatever reason, love you as well and want you to be happy. It sounds like this situation has eroded so much of your self worth.

Picking up on what MoonGoddess said, the reason I finally found the strength to leave my exh (knowing what nightmare I would cause so many people - and I wasn't wrong it's been a tough few years) was because I realised I did not want my son to grow up and have expectations of his adult relationships formed by the dynamic between me and his father.

I have never, ever regretted my decision. For me and for my son it was the right thing to do and it took a while to understand that I wasn't to blame for the choices his father made because I'd been manipulated into thinking my job as his wife was to 'keep him happy' whatever that took.

If you can find a counsellor to talk this through with it may help you, you'll get to talk at your pace and they won't be suggesting answers of offering opinions, you will just have a space to work through it.

One day at a time.

Please do not think of the consequences. You will face them as they come.

There were times when I felt I should have left ex and didn't because I had time to think of how it would mess things up.
Finally, I left because I really could not see another way out.

It has been hard, yes, but even the mess it created is better than what was happening at home.

babysteps Pandas. x

But I have family in a home own by H. They will have to leave.
H's mother is very ill and nearing the end of her life. Both she and fil would be beyond destraught. I fear the upset would kill her.
Plus how the hell will I manage money wise? I can't work.
Also I will have absolutely nobody :( My family will absolutely not support me. They never have.

Then maybe the next step is to see a counsellor where you can, confidentially, talk through how you can best manage the situation?

It is so saddenning to hear that even though he is clearly in the wrong, that you are the one that is feeling bad about how this will affect your family.

Afternoon TLP, very saddened to see your feelings about thinking you are perhaps unable to make a break from it all. I haven't made a break from my situation yet either. Yet! But don't feel disheartened, step one is working on bettering how you feel and you can do that regardless of him being there or not. Anything like seperate rooms, putting barriers up while you deal with these issues, those are steps towards what you seem to want?

Please think about ringing the doctor about counselling, if nothing else it helps put a desperately needed positive spin on things at a time when being very unsure makes you feel naturally negative. I felt the exact same way when everything blew up with my P, but now (thanks to counselling) have conviction in my own thoughts, belief in myself is gradually getting improved, I already have a few basic ideas of how to buoy my mood up and look ahead, and not worry about truly sorting things until I've got both feet on the ground. I think it would be helpful to you, and you deserve it, having someone you loved and trusted turn out to be someone else is horribly hurtful.

Regarding not being able to work, well I can't work in the short term as I'm due a baby at the end of March I do have a part time job to return to however. This is helpful in keeping me sane. knowing I have it there for after mat.leave. But financial help is there for us if needed, look into benefits, get the knowledge in place and it will help to reassure you.

And Anyfucker - yes unfortunately he has taken advantage of me in this way during this pregnancy I honestly thought at the time, no point in making a scene as my joints are stiff as a bastard, attempting to move away and getting really pissed off seems to exacerbate how excited he was, and it stops him moaning for a few days No self-respecting woman would even think such things as that last demeaning thought, I'm mad at myself. And thats where everything else came into play at a time when I just felt worthless. Starting to look forwards, not remaining oblivious in the present, now though. This thread has been a massive eye-opener, hopefully for OP/other women too because it previously just wore me down, now I see it seems to be a real breach of womens boundaries, happening to lots, right now

Oh Pandas, I've just found the thread and read it end to end (well, I may have skipped some posts but certainly none of yours). Not much to add really except to say you are being so brave and true to yourself. You know what's happening in your home, and you will a way - with help from here and from others out there who would leap to your aid I don't doubt - to escape from it.

Also, please remember that your DC deserve a mother who can sleep without worrying, who doesn't get sniped at when she asserts herself, who gets taken seriously by the people who are supposed to love and respect her.

Thinking of you

TLP - I saw a counsellor. It was honestly the BEST thing I could have done. She didn't judge, or offer solutions but it was absolutely fantastic the release it gave me.

Pandas I don't think visualising the bigger picture and what this will mean isn't necessarily going to be helpful to you right now, because it all seems too big and too difficult to address. The first steps are really about your short-term safety and emotional wellbeing. Try to break this down into chunks then and start with talking to someone anonymously but who is trained to help women who have experienced sexual violence. Then see how you feel. You don't need to make any big decisions right now as long as you are safe and have an emotional outlet.

TLP - only you know your situation and what you can or can't handle, but I really think you need to talk to someome in rl about how to move forward. You are putting everyone elses needs before your own and that is simply not sustainable long-term.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but his parents aren't your responsibility. I suspect he thinks he has you right where he wants you but you are entitled to feel safe in your own home and there are mechanisms out there to help you achieve that frankly very ordinary goal.

TPOP - this thread seems to have really exposed something doesn't it? Your situation sounds intolerable and I think you are remarkable to be coping with such equanimity and positivity.

Pandas, if you are going to stay can I suggest investing in one of these
atargatis
Trigger warning page does contain R word

But this is his doing not yours.

You have taken on the burden of guilt but all you are doing is protecting yourself from the continuation of a horrible crime against you.

If his parents become unwell through the shock that is not your doing!

You have the god given right to live without being violated. Do you see he is the one who has messed it all up not you. You are just keeping yourself and your children safe.

Its too much to think about. I think at the moment I'm just going to concentrate on finding out the stuff I need to know like benefits. And also try and find the courage to speak to somebody at rape crisis. Dc 1&2 are out all day tomorrow and I'll be able to get out as I have to pick up a prescription.

You have no idea how much I appreciate the support you're giving me.

Do you know, I've had real problems with depression for several years. My doctor has often asked me to identify if there are any issues that are causing it and I've always maintained that I had this perfect life. But I guess I just found out the reason. I've spent 2 years feeling that there must be something wrong with me when actually it was him!!!

Fucking hell I've spent most of dd2's life medicated up to the eyeballs when the only thing wrong was my marriage. I'm actually furious.