Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

Ah, that's such a familiar thing to happen Pandas with 'depression that has no obvious cause'. It's the 'inner-voice' stuff and what's happened this week is that your unconscious and cognitive worlds have collided. It's very uncomfortable. I understand why you're having such enormous difficulty allowing the collision to work itself through, because after one there is an almighty mess to clear up. And it seems too big a mess.

It needed to happen though. Your permission needs to catch up with it, that's all.

Do give yourself permission to say this out loud to someone. It will be scary and frightening, but not nearly as bad as the alternative.

Oh, darling, what a horrible thing to realise :(

That's what I was saying - your kids deserve the real you, not the downcast, walking on eggshells you.

It's probably not helpful but I'm sure others on here are with me in fuming at the bad aspects of your mother's behaviour, and your husband's. Sod them, quite frankly, you are better than that.

One day at a time.

I understand the medicating without needing it. See your GP about coming off your meds slowly when you feel you can do that.

YOU have done nothing wrong. HE is messing up everyone's lifes. HE is the reason your family might have to move. HE is the reason if the upset kills his mother. NOT YOU.

Your GP sounds as if they suspect that there may be deeper issues, and that suggests that they would be a compassionate first port of call, especially if they have been prescribing since DS2.
Some people find it really hard to say it out loud - I know some people have either printed out a thread, or written something just to hand over for the GP or councillor to read. Maybe that could be an idea?
So sorry to hear you feel so stuck - please get some advice - his name may be on the house, but it doesnt necessarily follow that you will be left with nothing. There are benefits to look into and he will have to support the youngest. There is help, its just the fear of taking those early steps. The first step was one of the hardest - the confrontation and now the emotional step of realisation. Please be easy on yourself. Np one says you need to do everything now. Just be gentle. Your lovely kids wont want to see you destroyed, and willrespect you for putting them and yourself above this horrible man.

Fucking hell I've spent most of dd2's life medicated up to the eyeballs when the only thing wrong was my marriage. I'm actually furious.

i can imagine. you know what though, it's so important for you to be furious. for too long, you've been using other emotions to protect yourself from this reality. now you're in a new season of life when you've found the time/headspace/strength to face the truth and feel the righteous anger that your husband's actions deserve.

you're moving into the light now.
you don't have to leave immediately. you don't need to do anything right now. the work of the moment is taking place inside your mind, you're sorting the lies from the truth and that is just as important as taking the steps "irl" to get out of this situation.

just stick with it, the path will become clearer as your head gets clearer. there will be a way out of this, but you don't need to worry about that right this minute.

Fucking hell I've spent most of dd2's life medicated up to the eyeballs when the only thing wrong was my marriage. I'm actually furious.

As well you should be. Welcome that anger: it is said that depression is anger turned inward . Once you direct that anger where it properly belongs, you will be ridding yourself of your depression.

Is that true, Hot?

Certainly was true for me.

I'm sure there are other causes for depression that may be genetic, but a lot of depression is down to environment. You know the quip: "Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety and depression, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes." The assholes in question being people who put you down and blame you until you start feeling that they are right and you must be the problem. When the problem is really their assholery towards you, which you are misattributing to yourself.

Hope I am making sense.

Basically, if people treat you like shit, you can make sense of it one of two ways:

1. They are treating me like shit because they have a problem. I am not shit.

1. They are treating me like shit. Must be because I am shit.

The second option - the one used by most people abused as children - is a surefire path to depression.

not sure what to do about that now.

pandas still hanging in here with you. You are beginning to realise some terrible truths. Don't block them. Don't bury them again.

twopeas my joints are stiff as a bastard, attempting to move away and getting really pissed off seems to exacerbate how excited he was, and it stops him moaning for a few days

there are no words. No-one should live like that.

not sure what to do about that now.

There's tons you can do about it now, fabwoman! And realisation is the first step.

In order to stop hi-jacking Panda's thread, I'll just recommend you read the links and resources on Page 1 of the Stately Homes thread.

Pandas...thinking of you...seeing the truth of our lives is scary, and living in it takes courage...but it's much better than the monsters hiding in the dark. You will be ok, take one step at a time.

two peas

fab...so you think looking at things in the light might lift your depression??? Many good thoughts for strength going to you and all who are struggling through these issues.

twopeas - really awful to read that. Please please please think about leaving this awful creature .

I will, Hot, thank you.

Sorry for the hijack Pandas.

Thank you foolonthehill (could be my name since I am a fool and live on a hill).

Is it possible to feel real, heartsinking, gutchurning despair for someone you have never met ?

yes

it is

agree AF

Yes. I am also worried about the OP of the Does your DP do this? thread who hasn't been back for a while.

I was thinking about her earlier, fab

me too.
This thread seems to really be ripping open some deep dark feelings

I too believe that depression is more often to do with what is happening around you, and what happened TO you than something fundamentally wrong WITH you.

i self medicated with street drugs to enable myself to function as a human being in a very abusive relationship, that I was fighting uphill and agaisnt all odds to stick in there with. within 2 weeks of him leaving (after 1 session of therapy) I was clean and 'not depressed' any more. My therapist commented that alot of people came to her depressed about their relationship, whereas i was depressed BECAUSE of my relationship, and once he was gone I was no longer losing my mind. Continued with therapy to readjust my thinking due to the bad stuff I had in there because of my childhood, and toenable me to spot the red flags and trust myself again.

TLP - It's probably already been suggested but entitledto.com will tell you what benefits etc are available to you. Can't add anything to the good advice you've been given by everyone else, just wanted to add my voice to all the others on here - you really aren't alone even though we're just words on a screen.

TPOP - I can understand taking the path of least resistance, you do what you need to do to survive (for want of a better word) but don't lose yourself, don't let it become a habit. What do you want to do after your baby arrives?

He's my husband!

Yeah & a man who likes to have sex with an unconscious woman! Ask him for me, what does he actually get out of that!? Because I know my dh prefers it if I am totally willing, responsive & taking part. I doubt he would have much fun with my still, almost lifeless body!

TLP - please try to not allow a type of tunnel vision depressed thinking to think that you would destroy so much by breaking this up. His parents are adults and you do not have responsibility for their happiness. I understand that you want to keep a roof over your family's head but this man be far more dangerous to your DCs' well-being than financial hardship would be.

Really good points here about anger turned inward turning to depression, it can also cause physical health problems I believe.

Women's Aid could perhaps put you in touch with a good community counselling service if your local NHS is not offering anything.

well its taken hours but i have read every single post.

i'm so sorry for what is happening to you TLP.

i too believe that whether your husband thinks he is raping you are not is irrelevant. he knows you dont like it or want it, so at the very least he knows that he is disrespecting your wishes, ignoring your feelings and prioritising his sexual needs/fantasises over everything.

i havent had this happen to me, but i have been in the position of feeling like i will ruin everyone's life. (my ex was violent) im not sure if its because of low self worth or because we feel we are stronger and can cope with the horribleness better than others or whether we just cant cope with the guilt cos we think it will be our fault. but its not is it?

i cant (and wasnt) blamed for leaving someone who would take run ups to kick me, or smash plates over my head. it was all his doing.

this is all your dh's doing.

i dont want to put you in more turmoil, but these lives you think you are saving are at the detriment of your own and also probably your dc's. are they really more worthy?

is it not possible for your parents to find alternative accomodation? perhaps even a heads up first to the fact that you are having problems? would they even have to go? you are married so entitled to half of everything (???) Could you say that he can keep the house you are in now,. if he lets your parents stay?
as for his mum, could you just say you are separated and emit the truth if she is close to dying? could you even get away with not telling her for a bit?
sorry if this is not anything you feel you can do. im just trying to throw out some ideas to help you.

i know and remember too well how awful it is to feel like the person you should trust the most is the one that hurts you and the place you should feel safest (your home ) is a place of anxiety.

i really hope you find a solution for you.

How are you today Panda?