'It's only when you point it out to him that he sees how his actions could be construed.'
Nobody is that thick, Pandas.
He knows well what he is doing. He does it because he thinks you are his property, that he is entitled to use you however he wants. When it comes to his sexuality, this is what turns him on, and the fact that you are a living, breathing human being with feelings and a body separate from his is not that important to him.
I also think you need to ask yourself if you have been slipped a mickey finn of some sort as QH said, either this time or on previous occasions.
'A key factor is that this man is not interested in having sex with you the way you would like it. He won't have sex with you when you are conscious and interested and willing. He wants you unconscious. This shows very clearly how he sees you: an object that exists for his benefit.
And this is not at all, in any way, down to him being 'frustrated' that you won't 'let him' have sex on you more often. He doesn't want your participation in the act.
I think he is potentially very dangerous indeed.'
I absolutely agree with SGB here.
'He was really stunned by what I was saying. He was adamant that he thought I was awake when he had sex with me. He did admit that I was asleep when he first used his fingers but said he was just trying to turn me on. he basically said he thought I liked it.'
You are being gaslighted. And the digs before he left were done in order to intimidate you. He is completely in control of himself here, both when he rapes you and when he speaks to you in broad daylight. It is all of a piece. He doesn't like you very much and he doesn't like the children either if he would treat their mother like this in front of them.
He is using rape porn. He may also have something going on on nights when he is late from work.
............................................
The attack word in the brochure refers to the attack on your spirit that is inherent in any rape. It isn't meant to convey being physically beaten or bruised in every case of rape, more to convey the way you felt your head had been done in the morning after. This was your spirit trying to deal with the wound he inflicted on it. Rape is a form of annihilation of the victim. Everything in you is resisting that attempted annihilation.
Pandas try not to panic, try not to look too far into the future. Everything you say about practical matters and your parents and his parents what that is is fear of the Unknown. You know something is very wrong here in your life and you have always felt that about your H's porn use and the fact that he has continued to use it when you have made your feelings known to him. There is something very strong and courageous inside you, a voice that is demanding to be heard, trying to connect with you constantly -- there is unfortunately another voice, perhaps from your childhood, telling you not to bother people because it is just you and your problems and you and your problems don't matter. The real you is claiming the limelight now.
You need to take one day at a time here. When the Lundy Bancroft book arrives, take the time to read it. You can sit down and call the Samaritans and then the Rape Crisis line and Women's Aid any time. You don't have to use the R word. (Women's Aid are usually busy unfortunately, but you can e-mail or leave a message). Rape Crisis are not open 24/7.
I also think you should make an appointment with your GP, and second the advice that you could have something typed out to hand to him or her when you get there (your OP from this thread for instance) if you think you would just freeze when you're face to face in the office.