just told dh he can have ds when he is born

[Loonybun]

Well everything is a mess. Got married a week ago. 25 wks pregnant with our ifirst baby, I have a dd aged 9. I had a traumatic birth with dd and bad pnd and I am not coping with this pregnancy and the feelings I'm having at all - we both wanted this baby, we were on the ivf list but conceived naturally.

Today dh is upset as I have been so withdrawn, he says he doesn't know why I married him as its clear to him I don't want to share anything. I've talked to him about how I feel but he gets angry as he is upset. I've ended up telling him that when ds is born he can have him as I probably won't feel any bond at all (as I didn't with dd, took years). He burst into tears and I left him to go shopping. Now I feel awful but I still feel dead inside.

Looby, you need some help, sweetheart. Honestly, go to your GP and explain your feelings. I'm not in any way qualified to advise you but suffered from PND myself and, like you, took years to bond with my child and I really really wish I'd sought help. Someone much more wise than me will be along to help you but please don't be ashamed and do get some help because there is a way out of this which will benefit you, your DH and your DCs. Honestly.

Go to your GP, please. Or talk with one of the midwives about your fears and depression. Many people don't know pre-natal depression exists as well as post-natal and it can make you feel isolated, down and fearful about the baby during the pregnancy. BUT, this can be fixed. You need support and help, so please do contact your GP (is there a nice one at the practice?) or the widwife team? You are not the first person to feel like this and they will really try to help you before the baby is born. Don't wait til then.

That sounds like Ante Natal Depression.
If it is, everything will lift up the moment your baby will be born. Speaks from experience).
There is a lot you can do about it and tbh just knowing there IS an end (the birth) is helping a lot to cope.

Also if you had a traumatic birth I would ask the midwifes to do a review of what has happened with you. Tell them about your fears. With me, they organized a review with the gynecologist who looked at what happened with me. She tried to reassure me and saw me again a few weeks before the birth. I know she would have proposed a CS if I had been still in bits about giving birth again (I wasn't but the thought that someone was listening was good!).

Finally, no 2 births are the same and no 2 babies are the same. I had PND with my first and yes it took me years to learn to love him. However, with dc2, I've had no issue at all. No PND, no issues with bounding. I was actually feeling really well (probably because compare to how I was with AND, it felt like paradise!).

Don't wait. Ask for some help. GP, your midwife, even your health visitor if you are still in touch. They can all help.

Thank you but I really don't think seeing my gp or taking anti d's is going to help. Its not a chemical imbalance, its just that I honestly can't relax until the birth is over and done with (I am in the middle of arguing for a c section but even if I get one I will still feel as anxious). I really don't feel happy about the prospect of having this baby at all but I feel guilty that I am making dh so upset and I don't want to take dd away from her brother. Apart from that I see no joy in any of this. I am just a very selfish person. Dh should be with someone who is a normal woman looking forward to having a baby. I am just a total screw up.

I just need to vent on here. I'm trying to sort it out. Dh has taken off his wedding ring. We only got back from honeymoon 2 days ago. While we were aay I was fine as I could forget I was pregnant but now we are back I have no ecape from this. He is heartbroken. Can't say I blame him. But I can't bring myself to say more than sorry. I can't lie about it anymore.

Please talk to a healthcare professional about this. It isn't your fault you feel this way and it isn't dh's fault he is upset. You both need help and support but you can get through this. The past is the past - you are not condemned to exactly repeat what happened with your dd.

It doesn't matter what it is, please speak to someone who can help. It's not just a case of chucking drugs at you.

You sound quite detached to me. Just mention it at your next MW appointment and see what they say, maybe write it out before hand.

Hi Loonybun. You are not a total screw up or a selfish person at all.

i'm sorry things are bad for you at the moment. It makes me feel sick just imagining all the emotions in your house at the moment.

How about seeing Relate with your partner (a have a friend who needed to see them while pregnant and she was seen within 2 weeks with her partner) as it sounds as though it would help you both for your partner to be able to understand this from your point of view a little more. A trained third party will be able to unlock that for him a little more, and might be able to make it easier for you to share this with him too.

As a GP, I would love to think that any of my patients in your situation would come for a chat with me. Getting to know a GP now will make it easier to talk to them nearer the time and after the birth. You need help and support, not antidepressants necessarily.

I really feel that second time round things will be so different for you, and if both you and your DH can communicate clearer, it will be easier on you both.

NCT have a few phone lines that may be useful to talk to:
Pregnancy and Birth Line
0300 330 0772
9am to 8pm, Monday to Friday
For all questions relating to your pregnancy or birth experiences. Our qualified antenatal teachers are here to listen and help.

Postnatal Line
0300 330 0773
9am-1pm, Monday to Friday
Life with a new baby is a challenge and our qualified practitioners are here to talk if you have questions or are struggling with any part of being the parent of a new baby.

Shared Experiences Line
0300 330 0774
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday,
9am ? 3pm For people who have had challenging experiences of pregnancy, birth and parenthood and need a listening ear and support.

Good luck, and please be kind to yourself in this difficult time.

LB, I'm so sorry that you feel this way.

My DSis also suffered with depression during her PG, but hers was very much based on the fact that she had two primary school age children and didn't want anymore. They'd had to have fertility treatment for the first two so never thought it would happen naturally and then it did. At completely the wrong time. Their youngest had started school and they'd just bought a massive pub and restaurant. My Dsis didn't want another baby.

My BIL (along with his Mother) persuaded my DSis to keep the baby. She was very depressed but had a lot of treatment through her PG, counselling and medication. Believe me, it was no picnic and she did struggle, but another thing that she was provided with was some help after the baby was born. She had someone assigned to her who would come to see her twice a week, just for an hour at a time, to help her with the baby, make her cups of tea and just chat to her. It really helped her. My DSis is still on the medication and probably will be for little while as my gorgeous DNiece has turned out to be a little monkey (albeit quite an advanced one - she's already crawling at 4 months old!!), but she feels so much better and actually becoming a Mother again was nowhere near as traumatic as she had expected.

So in a way, you are probably expecting the worst and the reality may be slightly better. Good luck. x

I had various issues which came to a head while pregnant. My MW picked up on it and referred me to a councillor. The councillor helped me to address my issues and helped me find strength to make decisions about my labour and be confident expressing them. I can't thank her enough.
Please talk to GP or MW, you sound so very sad and I think you deserve to have support in making your pregnancy as worry free as poss.

This isn't you talking, honey.

It's possible that you do have a chemical imbalance caused by hormonal changes that are affecting your thoughts about everything - not just your pg and birth.

Please talk to your GP and other health professionals asap. Don't pull any punches; tell them exactly what you've said here and, if it's not suggested or offered, ask for a pyschiatric evaluation of your current state of mind which may also go some way to supporting your request for a c-section if it's deemed necessary.

Loonybun, you won't be offered drugs as a first choice anyway, but they will make sure you have someone to talk to. You are not selfish, you are clearly distanced and depressed from your situation and feel negative towards the baby. These are well-recognized symptoms, and your GP/midwife will be able to get you the help you need. As Izzy says, asking for help with this may also justify a C-section due to previous trauma.

Thank you. I am considering your responses. I may go to the gp about it, its just part of my phobia with everything is health professionals in general. I don't want to get stuck on some nosey health visitors books for example and not be able to get rid of her. When I had dd they came round every day, it was very intrusive. I know they are doing their job, I just don't want the constant barrage of people that quite frankly I am a number to and they don't give a shit (sorry). But yes part of me does wonder (hope?) This is depression. I certainly feel very low. I actually thought when I came back from honeymoon I would kill myself so that I didn't have to have this baby (I feel like this is a baby, not my baby that's why I said to dh he can have him, like I am a surrogate).

I didn't seriously plan to kill myself. Its just that's how shit I feel about it all.

I'm just so worn out with everything. And everything is a drain on me. I don't want to do anything but be by myself and I'm never going to have that when the bab y comes. I won't be able to sleep, do anything on my own except for short periods of babysitting. The weekends dd is with her dad will go from being my child free time to relax to constant stress.

I can't see a way forward from this. We have just brought a house together and I feel trapped by everything . I've never even had a mortgage before (put my equity into this house) and I feel scared by the responsibility of everything. Dh doesn't understand and thinks I should be over the moon. I just feel like is shit. I know that's self pitying. People would be so happy with my life and here I am just feeling like running away. But I can't. I can't run away from my bump. I feel attached to the duty of being a mum but nothing else.

You mentioned you were on a waiting list for ivf treatment.

Do you think you would have felt differently if you'd conceived by ivf instead of naturally?

oh OP. every emotion you describe is textbook for antenatal depression.

depression often manifests as anxiety, it's not just sadness necessarily, it can feel like exhaustion + hopelessness + self-hate + self-pity + worry about the future, or any combination of those. Sometimes it feels just like grief -- crying, emotional pain. how it manifests just depends on your brain chemistry.

feeling trapped and hopeless and as if your problem isn't depression but "you", is also just so very very common.

your DH doesn't understand because he doesn't understand depression. depression is irrational, that's its nature. that makes it worse though, because the sufferer hates herself for being irrational, and those around her may resent her for being irrational it's horrible and you feel so so alone.

i'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering like this. why not just explore all avenues eh? maybe the GP won't help but at least you can say you tried, if you go there and explain what's happening inside your head and see if he/she can't give you some A-Ds to try.

it would be good to print out this thread and give it to the GP. i have had to explain very painful things to a GP once, and he didn't give me time to explain, and dismissed me without helping... but i tried again, and took a letter explaining it all very carefully... and he realised he was wrong and apologised to me, and helped me. it can work. you just have to give it a try x

Thanks. I might make an appointment to see my gp tomorrow.

I do want to make things better for dh. And for dd.

Dh has now sent me a text saying he wishes he was dead. He says he has nothing to live for if I feel like this and continually shut him out. Truth be told I just don't want to discuss it with him anymore. He gets angry and offended. He sees it as a rejection of him.

I don't know I would have felt any differently if the baby had been ivf. I feel not. My main phobias are hospitals, internal exams, epidurals going wrong (was in labour 70 hours with dd, she got stuck). I just feel they will hand me this baby and I won't give a toss about it. I didn't with dd it took me years and I don't want to waste years of my life feeling that way again just to get to a point wherre I was before I got pregnant and now its all gone tits up again.

can you tell DH that you're going to the Dr tomorrow and you hope it will all be sorted out? it sounds like he feels completely helpless for not being able to make you magically happy again... sigh... my DH went through something similar when i was having difficulties.

(you probably won't agree with me at this stage but) i think you're feeling this way about baby because you're so afraid of the birth etc that your mind just won't allow you to bond with the baby in any way, as a protective measure.

did you take A-Ds for your post-natal depression with DD? did you ever get any counselling?

Cold feet after the wedding is a common phenomena, honey, and you're not the first bride who's suddenly become aware of what can feel like the sheer enormity of the undertaking when reflecting on marriage with all that it entails.

Your pg aside, it may be of some reassurance for you to know that what's done in terms of legally linking yourself to your now husband can be undone if it proves that you made the wrong decision.

But, for now, you're not in the right frame of mind to make any decisions about your marriage or the future and your first and foremost priority is to get yourself to your GP, tell him/her what you've said here and, if necessary, insist on a referral for a psych evaluation.

There's no shame and no blame for the way you're feelng; the negative part of you that's come to the fore and is dictating your current thoughts lives within us all and, with the right treatment, more positive feelings will prevail.

Please, sweetie, get yourself to your GP tonight or tomorrow - if the practice has an appointment system, explain that your need to see a doctor is an emergency and is not something you can wait days/weeks for.

Would it help for you to think about the situation in bite sized pieces? Each of which you can think about, find a way to overcome and then forget about.

I was wondering if you could maybe just set yourself a Target of making a docs appt for tomorrow. That is all you have to concentrate on today, the rest can wait til another time.

I 'm not wanting to come across as patronising, I just want to help you get rid of some of this awful anxiety.

Thanks. I do think that the gp just won't be any help really as no one can chnge the way I feel about this. But I will give it a go. I don't like babies. I don't bond with my babies. Its not something that I can be talked out of. Or medicated from. You either love something or you don't.

Its just time I suppose. And I feel like time is running out before the baby arrives. And then I'm going to spend the next 5 years of my thirties trying to bond with a baby. When I could spend that earning money, going on holidays, sleeping late, going shopping or to the beach on my own. My life is over.

I'm just ranting now. I know I sound mental. But I need to write down how I feel. Realistically I know I need to get on with it. Or do what I said and give dh the baby and pick up my life where I left off.

If that's how you feel about babies, why did you set out to have another one?

You've said you 'Idon't 'bond with my babies', Am I wrong in thinking that, to date, you've only had one?

This sounds like 100% textbook depression, and one of the weirdest things about depression is that sufferers are often convinced they don't have it! I can imagine your husband is so ground down by this (NOT your fault) that he might even have some kind of reactive depression because of worrying about the woman he loves and his kids, and not knowing how to help, and the atmosphere in the house - I am SURE he would immediately start to feel better if you send him a msg saying - it is depression, I am committed to getting treatment and medication, right now it is out of my control, but that is what the treatment is for....and then maybe show him this thread? I think once he has a name to this, and can read about it, and see a light at the end of the tunnel, he will be able to support you better, to feel less bad himself, and help you pursue the best lines of treatment. You MUST get medication for this as another poster rightly said, this isnt really you speaking right now - it is the depression. The one piece of great news here is that it is really treatable so you need to go out and find the treatment that works for you - medication, plus counselling, plus whatever other support is available, and you need to do it immediately - it has the capacity to turn things around 100% for you all. Don't give up!

I forgot to say...depression is startlingly common....please don't feel bad about seeking treatment. People don't speak about it much but it is very common.

Your husband will see a big light at the end of the tunnel when he knows what this is, and then you will too once the treatment starts kicking in...he might feel more empowered by taking an active role in helping you seek treatment, too.

I wanted to have another child because I love my dd now she isn't a baby anymore. I can't stand the sleepless nights. I absolutely hate it. Dh has said he will do all of them but I know that isn't workable as he works full time and needs his sleep. I have had only one child but I don't like babies at all. Not other peoples, and I didn't have a bond with dd. I just did the looking after her because I had to. And I did it well, but I didn't feel anything doing it. I felt resentful about it all, and angry that I went through a bad birth and was in pain to have something that then woke me up every two hours. Callous I know but that's how I felt and I know I will feel that way this time. Ido however love my dd now and we have a great bond. I love my dh and wanted to have a child with him and wanted dd to have the chance to have a sibling.

I have told dh that I am going to go to the gp. I'm sure all this is making him depressed as you say. Its my fault and I feel bad making him feel like that. He's said he feels the honeymoon was a lie and that he feels everything has been broken and cannot be fixed. I am trying to tell him I will get help. I don't know if I can fix it though. Its a very deep seated issue.

OP you didn't mention what you did last time -- did you try A-Ds after DD was born? and/or counselling?
i'm asking because i want to find out whether or not they helped at all. x thinking of you.

Loonybun, I had crashing antenatal depression and felt just like you. Trapped, guilty, hopeless, suffocated.

Go to the doctors PLEASE! I did, and it made such a massive difference. I did bond with Ds2, I did stop crying and wanting to stab anyone who got in my way, I did stop driving into the middle of fields and screaming until my throat cracked.

Go to the gp.