just told dh he can have ds when he is born

[Loonybun]

Well everything is a mess. Got married a week ago. 25 wks pregnant with our ifirst baby, I have a dd aged 9. I had a traumatic birth with dd and bad pnd and I am not coping with this pregnancy and the feelings I'm having at all - we both wanted this baby, we were on the ivf list but conceived naturally.

Today dh is upset as I have been so withdrawn, he says he doesn't know why I married him as its clear to him I don't want to share anything. I've talked to him about how I feel but he gets angry as he is upset. I've ended up telling him that when ds is born he can have him as I probably won't feel any bond at all (as I didn't with dd, took years). He burst into tears and I left him to go shopping. Now I feel awful but I still feel dead inside.

Oh Loony I feel for you so much. It was weird to read your posts as I could have written every single one of them myself. I too had a 9 year old dd when I got pg with my dd. I too felt like life was over and I had made a terrible mistake. I was happy with one child and had got some freedom back at last
It was an awful pregnancy and I felt like I was invaded by an alien. Mine was also triggered by fear after a very traumatic birth and crippling PND and it was pure fear of it all happening again. Anxiety and depression skews your thinking so what you are experiencing now is your reality but not THE reality if that makes sense. I remember thinking the exact same thoughts as you and it was hell.

Of course when I had my beloved dd things changed although it wasn't all rosy! the birth was very different which obviously will be the case for you too. Should the worst happen and you get PND again you will know what it is and can hit the antidepressants straight away. I did start to feel a bit down and immediately saw my doctor who put me straight on ADs and it never really got going and I was fine. you know that feeling of thinking you cannot manage to go back to work after time off and that you will never manage the routine again? well this is the same because once you are in it it will become your norm I promise you. You will go on yo love your second child as you do your first and all this will pass and become part of your past as other events in your life have. IT WILL BE OK! You are not yourself now but you will BE again soon. You are not selfish or strange but not right due to past fears and hormones.

I love my dd to bits and wouldn't be without her and have accepted that I wad ill. You WILL come through this. Just take all the help you can when your lo comes and be kind to yourself.

Please PM me if you would like. I was you 9 years ago.

Take good care and be hugs to you.

Hi

i suffer with terrible anxiety that is crippling at times but one thing I am able to do is compartmentalize like you can and I think that could really help you with your situation.

So firstly write a list in order of how it will happen i.e getting to hospital, whose looking after DD. Make the list as detailed as you need it to be so all your worries are listed.

Then go through that list and write next to it the "action plan". E.g getting to hospital - planned c-section I will drive. If go into prem labour get taxi, have friends on standby - and then write the numbers for the taxi and those friends down.

I find by doing this it helps relieve my anxiety abit as it is "out of my system" and I am dealing with the stuff that worries me by writing down the practical things that will help with that situation.

It helps me to focus my mind then on all the things that are sorted and reminds me that they are being dealt with so that particular anxiety can lesson.

Sorry, but I don't think I have explained it very well!

Even write down things that you have decided on eg - bottle feeding - get bottles and sterilizer. Get formula. Bottle brush.

and you can "tick" it off once it is done. I had no love for ds1 when he was born as I was so anxious and depressed but through everything I did the basics ie feed and changed him which showed deep down (somewhere!) that actually I did love him enough to do that - I just couldn't feel the love for him at that time.

i know what depression feels like i have been depressed in the past, although i wasnt a mother or wife at the time. your husband must feel numb in all of this. he must feel blindsided and that his world has ended - this site is full of women sharing how awful their husbands are behaving etc etc. although your husband may be going about things in a way that you don't like or appreciate right now he sounds like he truly truly loves and wants the best for you. not trying to make you feel bad as you've already said you feel awful but just think you have a good man there and really hope things turn a corner for all of you x

Hello Loony,

I just wanted to share my experience with you as it may help.Sorry if it is long...

With my second pregnancy I was just like you.Although it was a completely planned pregnancy and I was elated when I found out , quite quickly and apparently from nowhere I had completely overwhelming feelings that I had messed everything up. Even though I knew it wasn't logical, I just couldn't get out of my head that I'd made a mistake ,I might die giving birth etc. Just really powerful feelings that I'd ruined everything, and I just couldn't think myself out of it.

It was all completely unexpected as like you, I was ( still am) a quite independent, strong together person.

I thought it could be down to a very traumatic first birth experience , 70 + hours etc , also my first DCs father and I split up when he was a few weeks old.

So my second pregnancy was 8 years later with a much better DH. I really wanted to give my first child a ( half) brother or sister so one day they weren't like me, with sole responsibility for ageing patents. Then this terror gripped me that I'd done the wrong thing for everyone.

I told my DH again and again I knew I was being weird and this wasn't me. I told him I thought I'd be ok once I'd had the baby (although I didn't believe it). I told him it was nothing to do with him, and tried to say exactly what he had to do to help me.

He did do really well at trying to support me. I still felt overwhelming terror about the whole process and having messed up all our lives.I just felt I had messed everything up but felt guilty as I knew other people desperate for a baby. In the end I just wept in front of midwives, GP and consultant.

The GP referred me to a psychotherapist -it took ages to get an appointment , she was helpful but I felt I needed loads of sessions and there wasn't time.She prescribed anti depressants which I didn't take in the end, as I was getting near due date by this time.

Then I saw the consultant again, cried and she was brilliant.She just said you need this baby out,she made an appointment for a CS .

Then do you know what.I had a very professional, calm CS and a lovely new DD. My predominant feeling was' it's ok I'm alive'. I did it. The overwhelming feelings did lift.Honestly they did . I still don't really know what it was. Some kind of ante-natal depression/ post traumatic stress thing.. but it did just go. Your feelings could magically lift too.Really they could just go... But even if they don't just disappear they may start to fade gradually.

I was ok again!. I would advise you to cling on to that hope. Even tell yourself repeatedly that the feelings will lift. Repeat" It WILL be ok.It WILL be ok".

After the baby, get loads of help and rest.Stay in bed for as much as you can everyday for at least six weeks. Focus on feeding the baby, and reading magazines in bed.DH pampered me and served me meals in bed for days, although I was actually fine.Get your older one to come and sit on the bed and read.Also pay for some help for a few weeks when DH returns to work. Even if you go into debt for say £ 500 for a few weeks of some-one coming in to help cook etc it is worth it.Explain to your DH that he just needs to be a rock. That you think you have ante- natal depression, and that you have heard that in lots of cases it will lift. You will be ok, you will, you will. Also you are doing the right thing,giving your first child a brother or sister is a gift- it really is.

I'm overwhelmed by your stories. Thank you. Sometimes I have looked for similar stories on the internet but its hard to find any. People don't want to admit they feel this way and most pnd stories are not about doubting whether they want the baby or bonding with it.

I really hope that I can keep some sort of hold on reality so that if (like many of you have said) the pnd returns then I have the sense to go back to the gp and get on the tablets... I think the first 3 weeks will be manageable I think when dh returns to work that's when things will start to get to me, the monotony of everything.

Thanks re the lists - I like making lists and they do help me feel incontrol so I might have a go at that.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all. Got so many braxtons and acid reflux and ended up getting up at 3.30am. Came downstairs and put the tv on. Felt really pissed off that I couldn't sleep and angry with the baby for moving about and waking me up. Started to get really really depressed with everything, exploring all the options and yet still coming back to the fact I am trapped in this situation. I can't leave dd and ds with dh. I can't take dd and move away. I can't do anything. If I killed myself then dd's life would be ruined. Its like living a life sentence.

I know dh is upset. He's hardly talking to me which is his way of saying he's leaving me to get on with things but he's hurt. But to be honest I ust feel so fed up with the whole thing. I don't want to talk or cuddle. I've had enough.

The annoying side of this is really I'd like him to step up and take care of dd more but now he's depressed he's basically in a mood and isn't talking much even to her. So today I'm having to whizz everyone along trying to make things better - taking her to her activity, I don't know if he will come. If he does he will be a misery the whole time.

Right now I don't want to be a couple I want to function just as a family and get through each day as it comes. But he is very much of the thinking that if we can't be a couple then life is not worth it. So he shuts off. I'm feeling really resentful and fed up with it all.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

The fact is you can't deal with him as well. If he is depressed he needs to go to his gp. If he's just scared/hurt/doesn't know what to do/angry then he needs to get over it and deal with his responsibilities. It is a massive change for you all.

Haven't read all of this.

But I had severe and debillitating anxiety and depression (particularly anxiety-so severe I nearly ended up in hosp). I saw a maternal pyschiatrist who dealt solely with pregnant mums.

She told me this was caused by the biochemical changes in the brain when pregnant and was treatable with Ad's. (which it was on the whole)

I asked for csection due to hideous anxiety. It as a calm controlled experience. As soon as dd was born, all symptoms disappeared, instantly

Oh Loony, what a roller coaster of dread you are on.... Poor you. I have just read your thread now, and picked up on something that was only mentioned in passing.

The tumor in your pituitary gland, how worried are you about that?

You say your main reason for wanting another child is for your dd to not be alone in caring for you, like you are caring for your mum.

I sense you feel really guilty about that. Dont. It was a sensible choice, a sibling is of immense value to a child growing up, and of immense value as a grown up when looking after elderly and frail parents. (I know this from experience)

What expectations do you have for your own life and your future, when you are past the baby stages?

Thanks. Another positive c section story too :) ....

I don't feel particularly worried about the pituitary tumour. Its not dangerous, just means my fertility is lower (the irony). But my mum is a nightmare, and I do hate feeling there's no one else but me to look after her. No siblings. She has no partner etc. No other family. I never want dd to feel that burden. I know there's no guarantees - dd or ds might bugger off entirely. Who knows. I hope she feels pleased to have a sibling as she gets older. She's very excited now, which makes everything a bit harder.

I don't know what to do about dh. Today I feel like all we've done is exhange "do you want a tea" sort of things. There's been no emotional connection there and I don't want to make physical contact. There is a really quiet, sad, miserable atmosphere - although dd did enjoy the trip to do her activity. Dh spent most of that sitting on a bench watching while dd and I took part (exhausting).

The future? I don't know. Ideally I'd like to get back to who I was before all this started. I used to be sociable. Worked in bars. Stayed out all night, had lots of flirtations. It was exciting. None of that can happen now. So I don't know. I have a stupid urge to leave dd and ds with my mum for a couple of weeks and sod off to ibiza. That's ridiculous. But I miss being young. I feel so fucking old.

So more realistically... I don't know... Go back to work. That's all I guess. I don't see a happy future just a boring one.there's nothing wrong with my life its just so hideously dull. I spent this morning arseing about on asda website trying to get out weekly shop to under a certain amount. Two years ago I'd be sneaking back to bed after a night out. I don't feel like me.

I don't have anything to say to dh. My life doesn't fit.

Onwards I guess. Posting and venting here is helpful.

Heeey! My C section was the absolute and best day of my life EVER! And I was on a state. And it was still fanastic, AND, when they pulled dd out, they pulled out all the horrible bits of my brain that were driving the vile anxiety and depression.

Beause it went! Straight away! xxxx

Hoping we are helping a bit xx

Woman's Hour on Radio4 has been trying to draw attention to how serious ante-natal depression is for years. I've found a few clips from old programmes for you - I thought it might help a little to literally hear other women's voices sharing their experiences.

www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/2001_47_mon_04.shtml

www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/03/2008_06_fri.shtml

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01bmq2d

Op- have you ever tested yourself for aspergers syndrome? You sound like you have lots of the traits and it does frequently get misdiagnosed as anxiety/depression especially in women. There are a few aspergers women forums you may want to take a look at.

Glad I misunderstood you, ONMFanjo! Thanks for explaining, Crystals.

Still wondering whether you've discussed the possibility of dh staying at home after the birth? I'll shut up about it now though, in case it's not helpful. :)

Thank you for the links etc. I'm going to look at them on the main pc in a bit (on my phone now).

Strangely enough I've often wondered about the aspergers thing. I actually did a test online yesterday - the aq test or whatever it is- and I scored 37. Apparently if you score over 32 that tends to mean you have asperger tendancies. Thing is - even if that is what's going on, what does that mean for me and dh and the family? How do I use knowing to my advantage?

If anyone has the links to the aspergers forms (unless I've missed them here) I'd be really grateful... I searched a few yesterday but they were all fairly inactive.

I do have a lot of the traits.. Disinterest in making friends (outside of forums), fluctuating sex drive between being nearly asexual and highly sexed... Ocd about housework / certain tasks, noise and touch upsets me at times.. Hmmmm.

So dh and I had a big row when Dd went to bed. I knew it was on the cards. He said I'm too used to being independent and I don't want to share anything with him. Apparently I snap at him (I didn't think I did but he says I do) and I make no effort to talk with him in the evenings. I said its because I am tired and I did try and talk to him during the day but only got one word replies from him because he was already in a mood. Apparently I've ignored him for "4 days now" - I didn't think I did, I know I've been quiet and going to bed earlier. I just want him to stop going on at me.

I said I find it hard to be around him as I know he's angry with me and it makes me uneasy and he said he is angry with me. So I left him to it and went to bed only for him to follow me up and slam his wedding ring down on the side saying I don't want a marriage with him, I just want a family and someone to look after the kids. I said I do want a marriage but right now I'm tired and struggling and I thought we were strong enough to give each other a bit of space etc. He's angry that I don't want to cuddle him or be affectionate (not sex just general) and that's true but I just don't. I don't even know why. He says I don't care about him. That he feels like he doesn't matter.

I started crying and got very upset. I said I'm worried about how we will cope after the elcs if he can't cope with me being tired and quiet and withdrawing to bed etc whenever I feel like it. He was hurt and said he never had a go at me for going to be early just feels lonely and isolated.

He slept on the sofa and sent me a text on his way to work this morning saying he's obviously such a bastard I don't want anything to do with him (I never said that) and that if I don't want a marriage or relationship that he will move downstairs and we will look after the kids together. I said no I didn't want that but part of me was thinking great I can have some peace.

I am so worn out and fed up. I've never argued with anyone like this before and part of me wonders if it is me or if it is him. I don't know what way's up anymore.

In my last marriage my (ex) dh was much like me and we tended to do our own thing a lot - probably in his eyes too much and that's why he buggered off back to his ex- but he wouldn't shout at me like this. I understand my dh is hurt and angry. I'm not the same woman that he met and married. I can't blame him being fed up with me.

I don't know where to go from here. I could apologise to dh and make massive efforts and cuddle him and we'd no doubt have a few days of happiness (according to his ideals) again but then what... AFter a few days it would be back to this again because being like that takes energy I don't have. I can't sustain being like that and I crave quiet and my own space again.

I do feel incredibly sad though. I'm good at appearing normal. And that's who dh wanted to marry and in some ways he's married a lie because the real me struggles to be normal. He wants someone to talk to, to snuggle up to, to watch tv with. Normal things. I get that. But none of that is manageable to me. I have no interest in making small talk over what's on tv or whatever else. I said to him yesterday I rely on him to talk because he's the one who goes out to work, has a life. I don't have anything to talk about. And I don't want to join groups or do anything. I'm happy just doing things on my own and being at home on my own.

I feel really resentful and angry that everyne is trying to make me fit a mould of what they perceive to be "ok". I even feel irrationally angry that the lollipop lady keeps saying "not long now- bet you can't wait to put that in a pram!" As I walked dd to school this morning. And dh's family keep going on about the baby and I just feel like saying shut the fuck up. I went through my facebook and deleted all the posts about the baby that they've liked or commented on. I feel invaded.

Long ranty post. Sorry. I needed to get it out there.

I think it sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of what living with a heavily pg woman and someone who just gave birth is. Does he have any mates who have just had babies? I know my dh and I really struggled in my pg and the first year with dd - and we were rock solid before.

I had a horrid pg - I was ill and tired and miserable throughout - I used to get jealous of dh going to work - he got to get away from me - I felt very trapped by my body. Then when the baby came I felt much better - but I still had to withdraw from him a bit - my priority was the baby, not him, and it was bloody hard work, and he was jealous of the baby.

In the end I went back to work and for a month or so he was SAHD - which improved things so much because we had a commone experience - he got that it was difficult. Anyway babies grow up, our youngest is now 2 and life is so much easier, we both work and we share stuff again and the children arent so awfully draining. When his friends are expecting babies dh seems to make an effort to spend some time with them because he didn't have many people to sound off to when we were going through it and its helpful to know that your partner not wanting to touch you/ being totally irrational/ needing you to do stuff/ crying all the time/ flying off the handle is normal - and you do get her back in the end.

Op was he like this before you got married?