just told dh he can have ds when he is born

[Loonybun]

Well everything is a mess. Got married a week ago. 25 wks pregnant with our ifirst baby, I have a dd aged 9. I had a traumatic birth with dd and bad pnd and I am not coping with this pregnancy and the feelings I'm having at all - we both wanted this baby, we were on the ivf list but conceived naturally.

Today dh is upset as I have been so withdrawn, he says he doesn't know why I married him as its clear to him I don't want to share anything. I've talked to him about how I feel but he gets angry as he is upset. I've ended up telling him that when ds is born he can have him as I probably won't feel any bond at all (as I didn't with dd, took years). He burst into tears and I left him to go shopping. Now I feel awful but I still feel dead inside.

Thanks , I wouldn't be surprised if people got angry with me with some of the things I've said. I appreciate being able to talk about how I feel openly. I will go to my gp tomorrow and let you know what they say. I also have a midwife appointment tomrrow - part of the reason I feel so down today, I hate them. I am tempted to just not go. I really hate talking about the pregnancy. On the other hand I know I should go.

When I had dd I was put on citalopram 60mg and took this for 6 months. It made me spaced out but I can't say happier. I had two sessions of counselling and didn't go back as felt it was a waste of time. What made me happier was leaving dd with my mum (who lived with us) every other night so I could go out with friends, and then when dd was 6 months I left her dad (lots of problems, my pnd, his lack of commitment etc) for someone I had become close to at work. I then married him and we were together for several years until he left saying he didn't want to be married anymore. He doesn't have contact with dd. She still sees her real dad every other weekend.

OP, I would go to the midwife appt because, to be honest, can you feel much worse than this? Have you met your midwife already? Is she nice?

I think 2 sessions of counselling isn't a lot and also it can take time to find the right counsellor and approach to counselling. I think good counselling would really help you. Definitely go to your GP.

I have never been really depressed, and so can only begin to imagine how you feel but I know that even with my three I felt different each time: No 1 felt like a little stranger who I had to get to know, no 3 was beautiful and I admired her, but I didn't feel a strong bond with her for maybe a few months. Only no. 2 was a fairly instant thing. I absolutely love them all equally now.
Someone I know seriously wanted to sell her baby on e- bay a month before she was born and loved her as soon as she was born. You can't tell exactly how you will feel until the baby is here.
Research suggests that babies are ok if their mothers are depressed but get over it in the first year after they are born. So get help now loonybun, because you owe it to DH, DD , your new baby and most of all yourself.

Please go and see your GP, can you get a double slot(?) and start to get this sorted out.

All the best. x

I see a different midwife every time I go. I usually end up feeling angry with them because I say I'm planning to have an elective c section due to previous birth trauma and they always try and talk me out of it or come out with rubbish about the second time being easier - which is sometimes the case but not always - and to be honest even if I gave birth in an hour with no tearing and no major pain it would still be traumatic because it would remind me of having dd. I've already had one bleed during this pregnancy and had to have an internal at the delivery suite and that made me suicidal for a week. I felt violated and traumatised. I'm fed up with talking about the birth full stop with any midwife or consultant. That's why I originally talked about killing myself because that's the only way I won't have to end up in that delivery suite or theatre. (Incidentally a different hospital to the one I had dd in). But I know my dh would be angry if I don't go to the midwfe so I will go. I think. I have thyroid and pituitary probs so I see the consultant at the hospital quite a lot anyway, every two weeks. I'm sick of it all.

You're right though, I cannt feel any worse so there is nothing to lose. I don't know if I could do counselling again. I'm rational enough to know I'm being over dramatic and I have insight to know that I'm not being "normal" but the prblem is I have come to accept that I'm not normal. Maybe I shouldn't.

My dh has spent the day in the spare room. I've ruined his day off. He hasn't said that but I know I have. He's been in tears most of the day. He keeps saying he wants to make me happy. I have said he can't. Nothing can. Just my old life, without all these medical people playing gods and the worry of all this.

I made dd some dinner and gave her a bath. She doesn't think anything is wrong. She spent her pocket money at her dads buying something for the baby. She's so excited. I've made brownies. I'm trying. But I know when this baby arrives everything will turn to shit.

I'm going to stop posting now. I'm just going in circles. Thank you for the advice. I will post tomorrow after the gp.

good luck OP, remember you are not a bad person and have nothing to be ashamed of, i hope you know that. you sound like you love your DD and are trying so hard to do the right things x
i will be thinking of you tomorrow

Good luck OP.

I agree that taking a copy of this to the GP would be really useful, and give you a starting point for discussion.

I know you dislike everything medical- for really good reason- thats why i think if you can start to build a relationship with one particular doc/ midwife, it will start to make it all more human for you again. I wonder if you think an appointment with an obstetrician to 'debrief' everything from last time might be useful? maybe not right now but in a while? your midwife should be able to arrange this for you.

Maybe giving your DH a copy of the thread might help him to understand some of your responses too? Or offer for him to come with you to the GP- even if you don't want him to come with you into the room, but he could wait in the waiting room? Then he feels involved, that he can support you, that you want him there, and if you feel you can you could tell him parts of your discussion and let him be there for you. I know this is difficult with work though.

I really feel for you. Best of luck. I'll be looking out for news from tomorrow. and if your surgery is anything like mine, please don't be put off by 'is it an emergency, do you need to be seen today?' your answers are 'yes' and 'yes'!!

Well done for managing brownies and bath. You sound like a very caring mum.

I feel so sad for you.

Fwiw I think you have a right to completely put your foot down about having a c-section next time. You sound so traumatised by your first birth and I know full well how horrible going to the doctors is after trauma that involves them. You need to absolutely spell out to them how terrified you are of internals, of doctors, nurses, procedures; everything. That is something your dp could help with; putting his foot down and protecting you so that you are treated with kid gloves and not subjected to any more than you need to be. He also needs to be reading up about ante-natal depression to so he can understand this situation a bit more. Would you consider showing him this thread?

Have you heard of something called EMDR? It really helped me when I was traumatised about something. There are a few things that can be done nowadays to help with traumatic memories and I would also encourage you to go back to a counsellor. Two session wouldn't have done anything and it most probably wasn't the right person for you. Once you get the right person, something just clicks and it can be so helpful.

I'm going to give you a big unmumsnetty hug. You sound very overwhelmed and I want to tell you it will all be ok. You just need to reach out and ask for help and keep asking until someone listens and gives you the appropriate RL support.

have you thought about a homebirth if part of it is that youre scared of the medical side?
I feel for you, I had antenatal depression with my last baby and cried for pretty much the whole pregnancy . She is the absolute light of my life now though. I would have never believed it then.

This isnt a normal way to feel and its not circumstantial. You need to speak to your doctor. Its not fair on you or your partner to let this go on

Morning OP. Hope you slept well last night.
Have been thinking about you and wish I could come with you to docs to squeeze your hand while you tell them everything you've told us.
I hope you've got an appt for today and that your GP really listens and helps you.
Please post to let us know how it went with doc and midwife.

Would it help at all to print this off and show it to the GP or midwife today? Or your DH even?

Thanks for thinking of me.

I tried to get an appointment with the gp but they had none left and the only way I could see someone was to go down at 3pm and wait but I have to pick dd up from school then so that's impossible, and if I took her with me obviously I couldn't talk about things. So I'm going to have to try again tomorrow.

I do feel like it's just a waste of time though. And I don't want to end up on some health visitors books or worse still have one popping in on me. I just can't stand it.

I have decided that I think I will go to the midwife appointment today but I can't decide whether to be honest about everything or if that's just going to be a waste of time as well and whether I should just put on a happy face and let her check my urine and blood pressure and just get out of there. I feel like once they've labelled me as "depressed" on my notes they just won't leave me alone. The midwife appointment is at 4pm - my mum is looking after dd for me then.

I had an appointment with the consultant at about 16 weeks and when I talked to him then he was very dismissive and kept banging on about how a vaginal birth is "preferable" to a c section - but that's a "normal" vaginal birth, I don't think mine was normal. So I didn't get very far - he basically just said go away and come back at 32 weeks and we'll discuss it then. I wrote a long letter to him when I got him - basically along the lines of what I've said here and detailing my birth trauma and I haven't had a reply. So i don't know if that means he didn't get the letter or whether he's too much of a pig to bother replying and is just thinking he'll let me wait till the 32nd week appointment. When I mentioned it all to the midwife last time she basically laughed me off saying "oh getting to discuss it at 32 weeks is pretty good really" as if I shouldn't expect more than that. Am I wrong - should I write again, would seeing my GP even be worth it in that respect to push things along or am i likely to make the consultant angry with me?

Yesterday evening was a nightmare. Dh was in floods of tears all evening. He kept mumbling to himself that he "doesn't understand" (basically doesn't understand how I could be so happy on the honeymoon and so crappy about everything now - he doesn't understand that I find it easy to compartmentalise).

He keeps saying that he feels like I don't want to be near him, that he thinks that I regret marrying him. He thinks it was all a lie and he can't understand why I chose to try for a baby with him if I thought I might feel this way - but I told him that I didn't know I would feel this way did i? I find myself getting really angry with him because I feel like he just isn't listening to me. I feel like he expects too much of me - to smile and be happy and sprout rainbows because he doesn't understand anything else. He's had depression before himself so it's not like he doesn't get depression, he just doesn't understand how I can't lean on him for support in all this. But no one can help me. No one can understand how it feels to be me feeling all this.

It ended up with me getting very angry and saying that I don't want to go out locally anymore because I don't want to talk to anyone about the baby because no one can understand how I'm feeling or empathise with my birth with dd (well very few have had an experience as bad as mine - thankfully) so I feel there's no point in talking to anyone. It annoys me when people try and tell me they had a bad experience as 70 hours of labour, failed epidural leaving me paralysed from the neck down for 2 days, being left on my own for the last 2 hours while midwives chatted out in the corridors and ignored me, episiotomy that cut through my piles and left me unable to walk for 6 weeks, blood transfusion, passing out through allergic reaction to steroids etc etc - one part of that would be enough for someone to say they had a bad time of it and I had ALL of that. How can I relate to any other mums? (And yet here I am doing just that, irrational I know).

Dh said that he will do all the school runs and shopping so I don't have to go out. I said that's not practical as he has to work. I know he's trying to be nice and say whatever he can to support me.

I said that I don't see any of this getting any better. When the baby is here its just going to be even worse as I will have to go out and about with the baby and the only way I can avoid everyone is to drive in the car somewhere which I won't be able to do with a c section.

I told dh that I don't want to go to the hospital because I don't want to be around other people, least of all having to talk to other mums who have just had their babies because I will have nothing in common with them.

Dh was in tears all this time. I feel like a right cow. I should never have said anything to him. I should have just pretended everything was fine and got on with it because I don't have any choice anyway. Whatever happens, whoever I talk to, I am going to end up in that hospital having this baby. Nothing can change that short of me jumping off a cliff. And believe me I have considered that.

Dh ended up saying that maybe we should have the baby adopted. He was very upset when he said this, I know he doesn't really want that. He just feels sad that he's "lost" me and he will do anything to try and get me back.

I told him I can't have the baby adopted because I know that dh will be a good parent and I can't take the baby away from dd and all our families.

Dh asked if I would have kept the baby if I knew earlier on how I would end up feeling. In all honesty, perhaps I wouldn't have. I thought I could cope with all this and I wanted to be a mum again but now I just feel angry and fed up with it all and I don't want to do any of it. It's just invading my life and taking everything over and I've had enough.

We stayed up till 3am both of us crying and I ended up getting really annoyed because he kept banging on about how he knows I'm scared but he will be there for me and we'll get through together and whilst that's all very nice it's all rubbish because really it will be my body going through it, me in hospital overnight with those horrible people, me left with this baby after dh goes back to work after 2 weeks. That's the reality of all this.

I gave dh a lift to work today (he doesn't drive and I do and it's miles away), I made him lunch. Trying to get on with things and be nice really. He cried all the way in the car saying he doesn't understand how I don't care about us and I said I do care about us but I can't change how I feel about everything. He said he needs to know we will get through this and everything will be okay in the end. I said I hope it will be. He kept saying he needs to know it will be so I ended up shouting at him repeating back what he said to me.

I am just so fed up with him pushing and pushing me. He won't let me deal with things in my own way. He is constantly in my space asking me to reassure him but I can't. Everything is fucked. I hope it won't always be like that but right now it is. I can't change it.

I should never ever have had this baby. But I can't change it now. I have to come to terms with my life being ruined for the next 5 years or so. I'm grieving. He doesn't understand that because for him life should be perfect.

The wedding and the honeymoon were amazing, but all the time I just put the thoughts of the pregnancy aside. It was as if I put my mind in a little bubble. Dh doesn't understand how I could do that. He thinks I was lying. I wasn't.

I have 14 weeks left. It's like a doomsday clock and there is no way out for me.

I think it would be better for everyone if dh did leave me and took ds with him and then I can get on with my life. But I can't do that. I can't do that to dd. I can't do that to dh. He would be devestated. I think he would actually kill himself. He keeps saying he can't cope without me. I feel the burden of it all. I am drowning and fed up with it.

Before I met dh I was a single mum for a while, living with my mum and dd and my mum looked after dd a lot for me and I had a busy social life with a few non serious boyfriends. I sometimes wonder if I never grew up. But now I'm forced to be growing up. My mum has moved out and it's just me with all this responsibility and I hate it.

I hate everything about my life. And I hate myself for saying that as it's so entitled and self important and I don't want to be that sort of person. I never used to be like that. I want to be the kind of mum that other people think "wow she's a great mum" but I'm not. I'm just a great big fuck up and I'm ruining everyone's lives.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's the only place I have to vent. I have so much to do today as well and actually I just don't give a shit about any of it. I didn't even eat dinner or lunch yesterday. I feel so angry with everything I don't even want to put food in my body. Dh didn't eat anything either.

I'm sorry to go on. I know I need to sort all of this out. I will let you know what the midwife says.

Sorry to drip feed. I don't feel comfortable showing dh this thread but there's nothing here I haven't said to him. If things don't improve I might show him. I don't know really.

Your husband need to grow up and stop being such a whiny demanding Manchild.

His constant need for reassurance must be really really draining.

your husband sounds like a sweetheart, and so scared. It must be so difficult for you both.

You really need to sort your head out. The baby is coming and you got married, so if you want a C section then youve either got to fight for it, or pay for a private one. The baby will come and you will need lots of support, and you will love it eventually, and your feelings for your husband will all come back, because this isnt real at the moment, its fear and depression talking, and of course when youre so depressed and anxioius about the baby, youre not going to have any space for the good feelings

Thanks, I know he means well. I know it's hard for him too. I look at it from his point of view.. He got married and had a wonderful wedding, then went away on honeymoon and had a wife who was all over him, totally over the moon happy and affectionate and positive about everything. Then literally the day after he comes back his new wife says actually she's really depressed and doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby and feels like she hates her life. It's a bit unsettling isn't it?

I can't blame him for trying to reach out for reassurance. It's just that part of me feels angry with him for being upset about it. I'm very cold about everything and just "get on with things" in the sense of housework, washing, sorting things out etc. He collapses in a heap in tears. Whereas I feel dead inside and carry on regardless.

I can't afford a c section privately. I could have done before we got this mortgage but I can't now. So perhaps that is part of the reason I feel angry about the money too, perhaps. So I realise I will have to fight for the c section. But even with the c section I will end up at hospital - I can't have a home birth for medical reasons, nor would I want one. I literally do not want to experience labour at all.

I've spent the day tidying up at home. We need to get the house in order in time for this baby. At the moment what is currently dd's room is going to be the baby's room and I'm moving everything around, throwing things out etc. But I've already told dh that I don't want to decorate the baby's room. He can do that and I will do dd's new room. I don't see the point in decorating a room for a baby when all they will do in it is sleep, poop and cry all day and night. It's pointless.

We have hardly anything for this baby either. We have a pram that my mum brought us, some bottle feeding equipment that dh brought as I absolutely do not want to breastfeed each to their own and everything but I didn't like doing it with dd and I won't be doing it this time, some random clothes. That's it. We have money saved in the bank to buy everything and I just can't be bothered to be honest. But I know I have to be. I don't like going in any of the baby shops so I think I will just put in a mass order from the internet when it's due to come out.

Our wedding photos arrived today from the photographer - the irony of it all. So happy and smiling and now everything is like this. I texted dh and told him they were lovely. I haven't done anything with them though. I've just loaded them on the computer and left them there. I know I need to get them printed, albums etc.

I'm getting anxious about the midwife appointment now. I don't want to go. I feel like ringing up sick and not going. I will see how I feel later I think.

well youre doing what needs to be done. The baby will come whether you want to have labour or not, and whether he has the baby afterwards will not stop you going through labour, I think you need someone to say these things to other than your husband, because its obviously killing him, and theres no way your feelings are rational. You need to speak to your GP as a matter of urgency and sort out a birth plan so that you feel more in control and to make the experience less frightening. I think it would be worth looking into counselling or some other sort of therapy to talk about your traumatic birth experience last time and to discuss the next one. Being frightened and cutting your support off like this is total self sabotage. Your husband adores you and you adore him. Youre newlyweds and your honeymoon was amazing. The baby will only be a baby for a short time and you will have your life back again

Please go to the midwife appt. And please be totally honest and open with her.
If you don't tell her, you'll gain nothing.
But if you open up to her, you'll be improving your chances of getting a c section.
I know that medics of any sort are an intrusion for you, but like it it not you're going to have to deal with them at the very least for the birth.
I so want you to accept advice, support and help. Your unhappiness sounds overwhelming but by just talking to someone you could start to feel more positive and in control. You could also find yourself better able to explain your feelings to your DH. I'm sure that while he sounds devoted to you, it must be very draining constantly having him in tears.

Poor children. How grim this sounds for both. Op in my opinion you should at least get some counselling/ therapy, you know you're not well

I am more of a lurker on these pages but had to post when I saw your OP.

This was me 3 years ago. Right down to saying to DH he could have DD and I will leave them to live happy lives without me.

I was diagnosed with severe AND and anxiety. You MUST speak to someone. That is an order.

I have been where you are and there is a way out but you must get help. This is not going to go away by itself and I can see you doing to your DH what I did to mine and it's so hurtful to them.

ADs are needed and CBT can help massively. I was very lucky in that because of getting help I didn't develop PND and DDs arrival fixed everything.

Please, please, please get help today or tomorrow.

Loonybun, don't worry about not bonding with babies. That doesn't make you a bad parent. Not everyone is a "type" who likes babies. And many people who say and look like they "love kids" actually are neglectful and bad parents. I have a relative who doesn't like babies - and has never likes other people's babies, only liked them when they were older - but she has bonded wonderfully with her daughters, who are now grown up and very close to her. Even more amazing - she bonds with her grandchild wonderfully! (who is a toddler) - but not with anyone else's babies. With regards sleepless nights - she and her husband had a live-in nanny (both had full time jobs, and had to have them, as they were also supporting elderly relatives who had no savings). This could be a possible option so that your DH isn't trying to do night-time care as well as a full time job. Or possibly a night nanny who only comes over for night time - once your baby is older, he won't be waking up in the night much. You might also want to consider part-time work going back to work full time (I don't know if you'v already mentioned this in a post that I might have missed) if you are happy with the childcare options (nanny or nursery) available; sometimes being in a different environment just helps to handle those feelings.

I don't think you're being callous in the least - this does sound a lot like postnatal depression which happens to a lot of women who have never had a psychological symptom in their life. Your GP should have access to counsellors and groups such that you don't have to keep seeing a GP or health visitor if you don't want to. I would urge you to try to get support for both you and DH - it may help your DH to go to a counsellor too to talk through what he is experiencing. These feelings - whether we call it depression or not - can hit the partner hardest. I know of two husbands who walked out on their families because they actually believed that what their partner was experiencing was their fault, and their now ex-wives have bitterly regretted confiding in them and not pushing them harder to go for counselling or group support.

(Sorry, I should say antenatal depression - although there is probably a post natal trigger from your first birth). Wrong terminology! Although the literature now agrees that the depression symptoms can start in pregnancy and occur any time after birth, even a year.

Just saw your last post, Loonybun - you don't have to worry about redecorating the room for your DS either - many babies come back home where the baby's room that isn't already decorated! (including mine). All you need is 1) car seat, 2) pram or buggy of some sort, 3) clothes that fit, 4) lots of nappies and a safe place to put baby while changing (many mums use bed and a waterproof sheet), 5) Moses basket or cot.

Actually if you are going straight from the euphoria (and bills) of a lovely wedding and relaxing honeymoon, it is not at all surprising that the big change of having a birth to plan for can feel a bit like everything crashing down - it's one emotional extreme to another. But that's not to say it will be a disaster - it is just a big change!

So sorry that you are going through this :(

I didn't have any easy time with my first or second birth, both were EMCS and it really does knock you for six having to deal with the birth trauma and care for a newborn.

Please get some help, speak to your GP/midwife and if possible get your DH to go with you to see midwife/consultant on the next appt to support you in your request for an elective CS.

There is a charity called the Birth Trauma Association set up just for this purpose who may be able to direct you to someone who can help you work through your feelings about your first birth and overcome your fear that that this time it will be the same.

x

Thank you and thank you to those who posted saying they have been through similar. It does help to know I'm not alone. And yes I know it is "grim" for the baby but obviously I give a shit or I wouldn't have posted at all. Even if I go from being ok about things to feeling suicidal.

Well I have just come back from the midwife. I nearly walked out before I went in but I remembered everyone here egging me on and I did it. I cried in front of her like an idiot and told her everything. She was surprisingly nice and said that she will ring the consultant tomorrow and write to him to request a c section on my mental health and previous birth trauma. She gave me the details of the birth trauma association (thank you to previous poster who also mentioned this). I contacted them before but I may look at it again.

I don't know if the consultant is going to listen or even ask to see me before 32 weeks but I suppose it helps that she's writing for me.

She said I have to see my gp tomorrow and go back on the anti depressants. This fills me with dread because they space me out so much. But otherwise I'm just sitting her wishing I was dead so I didn't have to have this baby so I don't feel I have a rational choice.

So that's todays results. I still feel the same about everything. But I supPose I'm doing something. Maybe it will stop dh going on at me and just leave me alone to be miserable as that's the only thing I'm capable of feeling.

I need to go and clean the bathroom and do dinner for dh and dd. I have to just fake it otherwise I never get any peace.

Hi op haven't read whole thread yet but wanted to say you sound like me when I was expecting my second, I was terrified having had traumatic time first time around, my ds got stuck also (not for 70 hours though!) more like 10 and I didn't get an epidural and I was so scared my second experience would be similar i would have gladly taken a c section if it had been offered but i had my heart set on an epidural....well as it turns out my dd came fast and second time around was so much easier, it stil hurts but was so much more manageable because I was only in the pushing phase for about 20 mins and out she came didn't even have gas and air! But i was teriified aswel i know how you feel and i was horrible to my dp because he didn't know what i had been through before (was single parent when i met him, and no amount of explaining can make somone understand can it? please get some help and let your dp help you also. If a date for a planned c section is all that will help you start to relax then go for that. Best of luck op xxx