just told dh he can have ds when he is born

[Loonybun]

Well everything is a mess. Got married a week ago. 25 wks pregnant with our ifirst baby, I have a dd aged 9. I had a traumatic birth with dd and bad pnd and I am not coping with this pregnancy and the feelings I'm having at all - we both wanted this baby, we were on the ivf list but conceived naturally.

Today dh is upset as I have been so withdrawn, he says he doesn't know why I married him as its clear to him I don't want to share anything. I've talked to him about how I feel but he gets angry as he is upset. I've ended up telling him that when ds is born he can have him as I probably won't feel any bond at all (as I didn't with dd, took years). He burst into tears and I left him to go shopping. Now I feel awful but I still feel dead inside.

Hello Loonybun, hang in there, you're doing great.

From what you are experiencing, I wonder whether you might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor who has specialised in post natal depression (I know that's not exactly what you are going through, but a lot of the feelings and situations have an overlap with what you are experiencing in your pregnancy), who would be a lot more helpful than what the GP can offer. They would be used to hearing things like mothers saying they have thought of killing themselves (it is not really as rare as one would imagine) or the worry about not bonding, or the feeling that they don't feel happy and gushing inside like many do about the coming birth. There are some support groups that are helpful - it depends on the dynamic between the individuals, but sometimes it is helpful even just to go once; you may not feel you gel with the women there, but at least you've met them and know they exist. Or maybe you will gel well with them and find it helpful.

You also mentioned about your pituitary and thyroid conditions - as hormones do get affected in pregnancy, and of course you will know well that overexcess or underproduction of thyroid hormones also cause psychological symptoms, I wonder when the last time you had an endocrine checkup with an endocrinologist was? In this instance it may be worth asking to see the consultant rather than the registrar or ST trainee. Many endocrinologists are sympathetic to problems and difficulties (even just emotional ones) experienced by endocrine patients during pregnancy, delivery and postnatally - don't be too surprised if you get told that your condition might have made you more prone to the worries and feelings you've had at both pregnancies and the first birth. In some specialist hospitals (like Queen Charlotte Hospital in west London) there is even a specialist physician whose only role in looking after obstetric patients with medical conditions such as endocrine and cardiac (heart) problems which can affect the pregnancy. Again, if you have an endocrine condition, it could make you more worried about birth and about hospitals in case something affects your underlying condition. It won't, no more than other obstetric conditions like pre eclampsia would in previously healthy women, but of course, it is a completely reasonable concern.

It can be a bit annoying when everyone else around acts like pregnancy and birth, having a baby, etc is just a gooey Hallmark moment to view through rose tinted glasses - because for the majority of the population it is, even for many who don't look after their health. But the minority whose lives and history are not quite so straightforward, know it is different - it's not worse, it's just different. You'll just have to accept that other people will be on a different planet, and leave them to gush. (I'm told by a Moscow woman that in Russia, people never used to gush when a woman said she was expecting - they would say, oh dear, what a lot of hard work; oh no, life is going to be tough for you from now on; it's all a serious responsibility now, etc etc. and they certainly didn't have baby showers and such things. Sounds like a more realistic way of looking at it! But that's their norm -they didn't expect people to feel gooey or be over the moon. )

One step at a time, LoonyBun. While a C section won't solve everything, it's one area of worry off your mind. Now for the other stuff, bit by bit.

Agree with littleshinyone that it's probably wise for the GP not to just automatically prescribe antidepressants and to think about all the available options. And you get a chance to think about the injections stuff.

I would seriously encourage your DH to talk to a counsellor by himself to allow him to process some of this. If it is hard for you to talk to him at the moment given that you're so overwhelmed, I think him having another outlet might help him and then also it might be easier for the two of you not to set off bad reactions in one another iyswim.

Thanks for the replies. I guess it is very much one step at a time. I may suggest dh goes to counselling. It might be good for him to talk to someone else, althought when he had depression before (work related) he wouldn't see anyone for love nor money. Who knows.

I see the endocrinologist every 3 weeks at the hospital. I have to give them their dues and say they've been good at making sure my bloods are checked regularly etc. Everything is balanced well in that respect which is why I supppose the gp is so relucant to mess about with giving me anti d's etc.

I wonder if I will hear from the mental health team at the surgery this week. I am back to work this week too so wonder if I can fit it all in, alongside helping my mum to move house and everything else!

I am still really scared that they will either section me (my mum was sectioned when I was little with psychotic episodes, when I was 5-9 years old). Or that they will label me as needing help from social services. I absolutely do not want social services involved. Even if I can a shit mum / person I know my dh and my mum can provide everything the children need even if I am away with the fairies as it were.

Today has been a horrible day so I've come on to vent.

The last couple of days have been good, dh and I have got on well and everything seemed a bit better. But today we've ended up having a bit of a row as the hospital I have to have the c section at is 30 miles away and only - drive (dh doesn't). We live in the countryside and this means either a train and an (unreliable) bus for him to visit taking nearly 2 hours each way, or him staying with his brother who lives nearer (still a bus away) or my mum driving him but this means my mum will end up being there as much as he is and my mum can be quite over bearing and dh (nor me really) wants this. But I don't see a way around it as taxis would cost 50 quid each way, money we just don't have. Plus obviously I'd like dd to meet ds in the hospital and to make that happen really my mum needs to drive her up after school. I suggested dh get the train / bus in in the morning and then mum drives up with dd after school and they can all go back together but dh is unhappy as my mum won't drive in the dark (says she can't see) so he won't be able to stay much with me in the evening.

Then we have the whole thing about who is bringing us home afterwards and I assumed my mum would be with dd as well but dh has said (rightly so) that we won't all fit in her car so we will have to get a taxi back. Dh is learning to drive but won't pass his test in time. Its all extra stress.

I don't want to be stuck in the hospital on my own. Dh got quite cross about everything and said (not meaning it) that he wouldn't start paternity till I got home as he wouldnmt be able to get there much anyway. That just made me really angry and I told him he can bring the baby home after I have the c section and I will stay in hospital to recover and come home when I'm ready.

He didn't reply to me saying that except to slam the car door really loudly and storm off. (- I drove him to work today). I'm actually thinking that isn't such a bad idea. I mean if someone said "oh you'll have major surgery and then have to look after a newborn" you'd think they were insane but it seems ok to expect that of someone that's had a c section. So maybe dh should just take the baby home and then he won't have to worry about coming to the hospital and dd can see the baby.

What a great start to the day. Apart from that I've been trying. I ordered some baby sleeping bags from ebay. I brought a baby magazine and read it. It annoyed me so much I then binned it. I took dd shopping yesterday. I have been making dinner and doing everything I should be doing.

Wow! a baby magazine!!! that's gotta be the most frightening thing of all!!

I'm glad you've had some better days. things like the transport will fall into place- especially once you can plan around a particular date- of course you need to be thinking and planning a bit now, but it will all sort itself out.

looking forward to your updates and seeing how you're getting on- you sound a lot happier than you did earlier on, and all these things will come in waves, but it seems for now that things are as stable as you could expect them to be.

thinking of you!

I know you're feeling horrid but you know what, you are actually making progress. You're talking about it (i.e. arguing) with DH. You're buying the stupid magazines, and giving it a go in that sense. You've been discharging your mummy duties and keeping the household going. All while feeling like this! You deserve a bloody medal.

About the hospital, DH does sound like he's not coping with the strain of this whole thing (change, uncertainty etc). Fact is though, people often have to stay over in hosp and sometimes it's hard for relatives to visit... that's just life and it's not the end of the world.

He can either take baby home, or he can hang about alone in the evenings for a few days, getting things ready (perhaps cooking meals or doing some needed DIY). Then he can start his leave when you are back. Yeah it's not the Hallmark version of baby's first days, but that's not necessary. It will be fine.

At least in hospital you will have nurses there to help (theoretically). I would really look in to hiring a post-partum doula too btw. They are wonderful. Even if you can't afford it, I would contact one and try to make an arrangement... any doula worth her salt would want to help someone in your position if it were at all possible.

She can come in to help/comfort you for a few hours every day, and give you that adult contact you need whilst in hosp. It might actually be better to have her there than to have your DH there -- she will be calm and confident and will be able to support YOU, whereas H may be looking to you to support HIM at a time when that is really not going to happen.

You are doing well.
Put pressure on the mental health team if they don't contact you soon. This situation is urgent. SS is only going to get involved if you DON'T seek out help, and then end up putting your baby or family in harm's way.

Happy Mother's Day OP. x You are an inspiration.

Wow - you live in the countryside and your DH doesn't drive. Now your worries are starting to make a lot of sense and are not the least bit excessive, esp given your difficult labour first time around. (I'm being serious!)

A suggestion for your transport arrangements after delivery - how about your mum drives your DD after school to see you, and your DH stays in the hospital with you in the evening then takes the bus/train home? (I am assuming there is a bus service in the evenings). It's quite fair if your mum says she won't drive late at night - 30 miles is a long distance for anyone. How long are partners/husbands allowed to stay till in the hospital - 9pm? 8pm?

I think it's very therapeutic for you to dump the baby magazine! Well done and I think you should do it a few more times. (Maybe make it old magazines, not news ones). Very cathartic. (Again, I'm being serious.)

The more you talk about it, the more I think you'll benefit from counselling/CBT/group support, possibly more than antidepressants - unless you start having physical symptoms as well as your mental thoughts later on. Physical symptoms like not actually wanting to get out of bed all day, not being able to sleep all night, etc etc. I think you can handle things (after all, you've taken good care of your DD), but it's the feelings that just need venting. But of course, a good group coordinator or counsellor will also recognise when it is that you start needing medication and not just talking therapies. By the way, I don't know if you have ever joined NCT, but if the GP referral/mental health team are slow to get back to you, NCT may be able to get hold of counselling resources for you in the area.

Again, I definitely do recommend finding out about a doula when you're home - even if it's just part time, eg several hours in the evening, while you get some rest and your DH can do a few chores and look after your DD. The cost might not be that high if it's only part time. Ask your DH what he thinks. I don't think he could take it all on himself.

Happy Mothers Day to you too, OP. I think you are brave and doing great. Stay strong!

Just want to second (third?) The suggestion of hypnotherapy. I did a hypno birthing course because I was terrified of medical intervention - ironically a c sec was my worst nightmare scenario - and it allowed me to actually enjoy my pregnancy and then, when everything went wrong in labour I was able to stay calm and in control, even when I ended up with an emcs. That ' in control' bit was the most crucial because that's what I was most scared of - passing control to others. It meant that when I was dealing with my emotions after the birth I was able to stay feeling in control because I had been an active participant in the decisions made.

I you are anywhere near Reading I can highly recommend my hypnotherapist, who is also an experienced doula btw... Plus hypnobirthing gets your partner to be your coach during labour (if you want), so would make your dh feel more involved and in control which might give you a bit more peace in turn.

Best of luck xx

Thanks for the replies, I was quite touched by the messages.. I never really even thought about it being mothers day yesterday so it was quite touching to be wished a happy mothers day in the middle of all this... Dh did bring home some flowers for dd to give me and I was very thankful to her for them but in the middle of such a bad atmosphere it all sort of got forgotten.

Yes it's very difficult with the hospital thing and dh not driving. He did an intensive driving course a few months ago trying to pass in time but he got very stressed with it all and couldn't get up to test standard in time.. Since then he's started a new job so there's been no time to get back to learning (well not in time for the c section anyway). So I suppose that is also a fear in that I might end up in labour and not be able to get into the hospital very easily - we don't even have a reliable taxi service around here, you can end up booking taxis days in advance (not just ringing one up!)

Thank you Kipperandtiger for your suggestions re the driving situation. I will give them some consideration.

I did smile when I read about me throwing the baby magazine away and all your responses :) Maybe I should do that more often!

I haven't had a chance to look into the hypnotherapy stuff yet. I'm really not too sure it appeals to me. I think I'd feel a bit daft, but perhaps that's just very dismissive of me. I'm willing to be converted.

We just can't afford a doula, our budget is stretched enough as it is (just remortgaged, got married and gone on honeymoon so we are literally accounting for every last penny at the moment!) I'm not too sure how I'd feel about having another person around... I may consider the night nanny idea if I get absolutely desperate. Thank you for the suggestions.

Dh was really upset with me last night. Apparently I really snapped at him in the car when we had that conversation about the travelling etc. I didn't think I did but he tells me it came over that I was absolutely fed up with him (I think I was just exasperated with the whole situation and it came out like that). He says he doesn't understand as we've had such a "wonderful few days" and "now we're back to this" (i.e me being depressed). He seems to think that because I can put it out of my mind for a bit that it's magically "better". It just doesn't work like that.

He ended up getting very upset (crying again, floods of tears) and saying that he doesn't know how to make me happy, that he hates his job (even though he was so enthusiastic about it the day before, I'm sure he's saying that because I've made him fed up in general) and feels he should be at home, and that he feels like he doesn't know me when I get like this.

He said I was horrible when I suggested him taking the baby home with him and leaving me at the hospital. I said I didn't mean to sound horrible but I was being practical. He said it sounded like a rejection of the baby again. Which I suppose partly it is. But I'm relying on dh to be the strong one here and take over where I fail. Maybe that's wrong of me.

I ended up staying up far later than I wanted to because I could tell he was obviously upset. I got angry for staying up late when I wanted to sleep. In the end I left him to it sitting downstairs and I went to bed. I could hear him crying (our living room is directly below our bedroom). I thought about getting up to go and give him a cuddle but what could I say to make it better?

In the end he came up and went to bed crying. I cuddled him in bed. He then woke up and started crying again. I'm exhausted and I feel guilty. He went to work and we've texted back and forth, he says he's sad that I'm so unhappy and he doesn't understand as he thought things were getting better.

I understand why he's upset. He thinks we should be over the moon about everything. He's frustrated by my being miserable. But part of me feels annoyed that he keeps putting pressure on me to be happy - well I'm not happy. I'm sorry I wish I was but I'm not. So what am I supposed to do? I'm talking on here, I'm seeing the GP, I'm trying to sort things out. I can't suddenly just be happy because he's falling apart. But on the other hand I feel I need to make him think I am otherwise he is just getting more and more depressed with everything.

I'm getting to the point now where I feel like when we sit together in the evening and I just want to go to bed or be quiet that I have to make an effort to seem happy for him otherwise he's all depressed that I'm depressed again.

It's making me feel quite angry. I don't really know why because there's nothing unreasonable about how he's feeling but I'm just fed up with it all.

I've been quite busy today. I've got work tomorrow so I've been getting everything ready to go back and sorting the house out. We're coming to the point where we're going to have to sort things out for the baby and I don't really feel up to doing that at the moment but if we don't do it soon all we're going to have is about 2 sleepsuits and a pack of nappies at this rate.

Loony I think you really need to 'educate' your DH about AND.
This is totally understandable thatb he is feeling like he is but he also needs to get a btter idea of what is going on, starting with the fact that it's nothing to do with him as such and that, unfortunately, he can't 'make you better'.

I am :) at your progress and the way you look at things now.
I will recomment hypotherapy too, or at least getting some hypnobirthing CDs. They worked a treat for me too (PND with dc1, followed by ADN with dc2 and bad memories from 1st birth).

BTW don't worry too much about 'getting ready' Your baby needs some nappies, a couple of sleep suits and somewhere to sleep in. That's about it!

Loony I agree with the suggestion above but this is where other services come in. Again, I'd say get him to see a counsellor or talk to a support group, his GP even. They will be able to tell him that in the same way that you didn't get to this state overnight you likewise will be working your way out of it step by step and you won't get overnight to the waking up shiny and happy point. He needs to have some realistic expectations about this.

I agree with others Loony! Your DH needs to get some support for himself, and he needs proper educating about what you're going through.

He's expecting you to support him and getting dreadfully upset about you not doing so, but he fails to see that he can look for support elsewhere! and that it's unrealistic (plain silly really) to expect your AND-suffering wife to offer that support.

Maybe you tend to hold things together usually, and he's leaning on you out of habit and then fretting when you're not as supportive as usual... well... he can talk to his GP or ring a support line, that's what they're there for. He needs to learn to soothe/comfort himself. You are not always going to be available to meet his needs...

still thinking of you daily and am full of admiration for you.

Thanks everyone. I do think that dh is out of his depth with everything. He just can't understand that it isn't "him" - he also just feels so sad about everything and I feel totally responsible for that. If I was a "normal" woman excited about having our baby and positive about things then he would be happy. I can't shake this feeling that I'm letting him and our family down. And yet I can't change the way I feel. I can pretend that I'm happy, maybe that's what I should do. Maybe that's what everyone does to an extent.

I'm really struggling today. Dh and I had yet another terrible row last night. He is depressed, he feels lonely. He doesn't understand that I can put on a front for dd and my mum and yet when I sit down with him in the evening I actually struggle to talk to him because there's such a void between us. How can I talk to him about the baby when I feel like this? He is upset there is no intimacy between us. He says he feels like I don't want to touch him, kiss him or have sex with him. He says he feels unloved. He said he feels like he could just not come home and I wouldn't care. That's not true of course but I do fel shut down in the tactile sense. I have zero sex drive. I don't want to be cuddled or touched. I just want my own space. Is that wrong of me?

I said I was going to bed at about ten o clock and he got upset, he said he's been working all day and his wife doesn't seem pleased to see him or even want to be around him. I said I'm trying to deal with things in my own way. Things escalated and he started crying and saying "fine I'll get the divorce papers tomorrow" and took his ring off (again). I cried and said he just doesn't let me relax, he pushes and pushes me. I said I'm fed up and worn out. He went to bed crying and I ended up sitting downstairs having a tea at 3am - he came to sit with me and then we eventually wnt to bed. I've had 4 hours sleep.

He said he is sorry, that he is just scared. That he doesn't understand. That he's worried about the future. I said he wants me to give him a guaranteee that everything will be wonderful and I can't. More than anything I just want time to be on my own. I can't breathe with all this.

I got so pissed off and fed up that I told him I would kill myself as I've never been so stressed in my life. I said I can't relax with him constantly tryuing to get me to reaffirm everything to him.

Today he's saying how sorry he is, that he shouldn't have got like that. That he's scared, he doesn't want us to argue anymore, that he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, that he loves me. And I'm just drained with it all. H

He's saying he wants us to go out tomorrow somewhere. And I know he's trying to be nice but all I want to do is check myself into a hotel on my own and not have to think about anyone, just sleep. And relax.

I did a whole day at work today, on my feet all day. On four hours sleep. I made dd and I dinner. Dh is still at work. I've put ona Smile all day fucking long with customers constantly asking me whens the baby due and all these random happy happy questions about it and I've played the part. I've done my share and now my mask is slipping and I'm shattered in every sense of the word.

I've made the next appointment to see the midwife and dh is saying he's going to come with me, he's trying to be supportive. But I just want this all to go away. The whole lot of it. I've just had enough and I'm not coping today at all. I feel like I'm drowning.

Sorry. I'm just feeling so down today. And I feel sorry for this baby. I was thinking today how easy so far this pregnancy has been in a physical sense and I am just moaning. I keep having visions of this baby being so excited to meet us and being left with a mum like me who doesn't appreciate it.

It's not that you're not a "normal" woman, Loonybun, it's that you're not an "average" woman. It's ok to be not average. (online hug)

I do understand your need for space. I can also see why your DH is confused, and why, potentially, he sees it as a knockback that you can put the mask on, as it were, for people you don't even know and he gets all the pain. He could see that as a huge compliment but I can understand why not..

Could you negotiate with him that you have some time on your own and then spend some time with him? So say spend an hour talking to him and then you go and sit alone and just blank out for a couple of hours?

You could indeed check into a hotel actually - if funds allow. Why not? Tell him you are trying to chill and read some baby books (bring them but you don't actually have to read them). Then tell him when you get back you can both go out for a nice meal together. If you do the meal without your solo getaway it will feel like a chore and stressful. If you get your me time first, you'll be refreshed enough to face anything trying, and it won't seem so trying, and your DH will be reassured you haven't shut him out. I was going to suggest a spa, but they will probably gush and ask if you want a pregnancy facial and whale music (yikes! puke! lol), so no, pick a really bland, detached hotel where they don't make small talk. If someone starts asking about the baby, say you feel nauseous, can't chat and just want to have a lie down as soon as possible! Lol. The threat of puking is brilliant for getting 100% cooperation from strangers - and people one knows.

I hope you've managed to get an appointment for counselling for yourself and another for your DH, Loonybun - or at least the name of a support group. What you are saying makes a lot of sense to some of us. It seems that you have a lot on your plate and in your past experiences that would give you those feelings, and those are not unreasonable feelings to have. In fact, if most men and women knew ALL there was to know about what could go wrong with babies and parenthood, the human race would probably be extinct! - very few people would go ahead with it. But thankfully we mostly don't know what could go wrong, and that makes us hopeful and optimistic.

However for some, a few things can be the tipping point - whether it's a complicated first delivery, relationship breakdown, financial problems, serious illness, etc - and somewhere along the way you've reached your tipping point. Just like the way some actors (even famous and successful ones) get stage fright, or how some students get a nervous breakdown before exams and can't even write down their name. It's not silly, it's not delicate, it's not abnormal. Somewhere along the way, they've reached their tipping point, and that needs to be addressed, confronted and a solution found for dealing with it - not necessarily to get rid of those feelings but to know what to do about them. In our modern society we are expected to be very sunny and upbeat about having children, expected to be very ready to embrace "baby" and "kiddie" pursuits and that's fine for some. But it is equally okay to be very practical and unsentimental about it all, which is the case in many other cultures, and the children grow up fine too. Many children don't remember a single thing from before they were 3 years old - and the writers and advocates who claim babies can subliminally remember how many hugs they were given or songs sung to them, or how many hours they had skin to skin contact......well, [hmmm], there's no way of proving that they can or can't. What we can prove is that babies thrive on being kept warm, fed, sheltered, clothed, bathed, and stimulated for some of the time when they are awake - with toys, eye contact or conversation. They don't have to get gooey, hyperexcited smiles and giggles all the time, even if it is funny when they chuckle back.

Hope you had a better day today!

oh Loony you must be so stressed.

he is really being very, very unwise by deciding to put this pressure on you. he needs to realise he can't manipulate or placate you into being "happy"... sigh

have you talked to him about getting some support for himself? i bet there's a national helpline for antenatal depression that he could call for support and education. he MUST stop "leaning" on you like this, it's far far too much for you right now. (it would be far too much for me. and i am not even depressed.)

you are doing so well. i'm really in awe of you that you're carrying on and doing such a good job. not just an adequate job but a GOOD one.

about being "normal"... i think you are closer to the "norm" than you think. there are an awful lot of women who suffer antenatal depression. but because they feel it's "not normal", they don't talk about it at ALL.

you are a normal woman. you are suffering a sadly common malady of pregnancy. you will get better and it is going to be ok x and your baby will be ok too.

Here are a few links:

depression-in-pregnancy.org/symptoms/

depression-in-pregnancy.org/relationships/

depression-in-pregnancy.org/your-stories/

depression-in-pregnancy.org/frequently-asked-questions/

That site has a free guide to download.

Please share all the information about your condition with your DH.

There is also a book by Siobhan Curham, 'Antenatal and Postnatal Depression', that you could both read.

Here are some personal stories that he could read.

Here is an example --
'This is my 4th pregnancy and the first time I feel like this.
I have nothing to complain about and my other kids are wonderfull yet I feel like just leaving them just to open the door and never look back..I hate every thing in my life now even for the baby my husbend have to leave me no chance to cancel it or I won't go at all...
I feel so alone and no one understand it when I talk about it, I hide most of my feelings from my husbend becouse I know he'll be hurt if he knew.'

Your DH needs to know what he can do specifically to support you and he needs to read and educate himself about antenatal depression and also ask the midwife all about it -- he should go with you or contact the midwife on his own. Maybe he should also go to the doctor and ask what the doctor knows?

I think part of what he is experiencing here is a feeling of utter helplessness, something most men can't stand. They need instructions, and a sense of being on some sort of positive course that will solve the problem. That is why he grasps at every little sign that you are getting through all of this and expresses such despair when you seem impossible for him to reach. He wants to feel that he can solve this -- men are like this even at the best of times (that is why women get so frustrated when they talk about problems with their partner and the partner comes out with a list of things they should do to 'fix it'. Women don't want instructions on how to fix it, they just want to moan, but men deeply want to fix things).

Of course, all you want to do is curl up in a dark corner and be left alone and you have absolutely no desire to have anything to do with him or anyone else, or communicate with anyone. That is the nature of the problem you are going through. So the two of you are pulling in opposite directions.

The key, relationship-wise, is for him to stop thinking he can or should be trying to fix this, and to try to understand that you are living in a scary little bubble of your own that has nothing personal to do with anyone else. He didn't cause this and he can't stop this. You didn't cause this and it is not directed at anyone. It is almost a sleep-walking nightmare that you are going through -- you are about as connected and receptive to people right now as if you were walking around with your pajamas on, eyes open and seemingly knowing where you are going as sleepwalkers sometimes are, but in reality in a painful world of your own. Your DH needs to see it that way ad not take it personally when you can't communicate with him, or feel terrible that he can't fix it.

As far as the depression itself goes, have no fear about the progesterone. I took progesterone for about four months when first pregnant with DS as I had had recurrent miscarriages. DS was fine, no problems as a baby or child or even now as an 18yo. Normally the level of progesterone is tiny, just enough to correct an imbalance. A little goes a long way. It may not ease all the pain you are going through, and therapy might be very useful in conjunction with it, but it can help.

great post math

Loony please get him to read these links. and perhaps also math's post.

and then sit him down and say "now that you've read that i hope you have a better grasp of this. and i need you to help me get through this. at the moment, your way of coping with this is making the situation much, much worse for me. you need to change that. this is what i need you to do every day...." and list things.

1. listen to me when i talk about how sad i am without interrupting me
2. forgive me for being sad
3. remember that i am sick and i need your practical support
4. remember that i am sick and am unable to support you right now
5. leave me alone for 90 minutes (or whatever) in the evening.
6. during those 90 minutes, unpack the dishwasher/fix xyz things/cook some meals/shop for the baby things online
7. read about AND and make a list of five things you didn't know before
8. call the helpline every evening while i'm resting
9. etc.

he needs a game plan. right now his game plan appears to be "come home, look for signs that everything's ok, if you don't see them, cry and make DW feel as guilty and shit as possible in order to ensure she fakes signs, so you can feel better" and that is not a functional way to cope with this situation.

he needs a new set of things to do.

Hello everyone, first post for a bit... I have just been reading the replies, thank you so much. The links on math's post are very helpful, I will show these to dh. I think you are all so right when you say he is feeling frightened that it's something he can't "fix". It's strange because when I say to him (trying to be reassuring in a way that it's not "him") "there's nothing you can do, it's not something anyone can solve" he seems to find this even worse and gets even more upset... as clearly he feels its out of his hands.

I'm waivering between thinking I am more normal than I think (as per some of your replies) and then I go and read other forums / talk to other women when I'm out and about (my work is very customer focused) and I end up feeling like a complete cowbag as everyone else is so baby centric and full of the joys of motherhood.. I'm quite worried that I seem to be missing a gene somewhere. But then on the other hand if the baby is well cared for and it's needs are met in terms of emotional and practical well being, does it MATTER if I don't have that mother-baby-love-bond thing going on? I'm really not sure. (Scratches head).

I haven't really got any further on with anything in a practical sense. I've not head back from my consultant despite the fact my midwife and GP have apparently written to him. So I assume he's waiting for the 32 week appointment (in about 3-4 weeks time) which is understandable as even if he issued an appointment in response to those letters it would probably be later than that anyway! Feeling very anxious about all that really. I'm worried I'm going to end up feeling bullied by him. I know I have to be strong about what I want..

I haven't heard back from the counselling service with an appointment yet. I did chase up but apparently they have a waiting list - so I have no idea whether I will get to see anyone soon or not. Hmm. I need to go back to the GP and talk more about the progestrone injections really (thank you for the advice regarding those). My dh seems very keen for me to have them, esp as the GP suggested that if I don't treat the depression or whatever it is now then it could be worse after the baby arrives. I think dh feels like it would be a positive step. I am still quite scared of taking them, I don't know why really. I suppose part of me feels like it's stamping a mark on this pregnancy of "this woman is fucked up" (sorry, that's a bit of anger at myself coming out there, not intended to offend anyone, after all I'm going through the very thing I'm getting annoyed about!) But at the same time I can see it's probably a good thing...

Things have been very busy for the past few days. My mum moved out into her own house and dh has been home with me off work, we've been really busy doing lots of decorating. We decorated dd's room for her, she now has the biggest room in the house so she's feeling really pleased with herself :) .. I think I have thrown myself into being busy really. And pulled a muscle in my shoulder in the meantime! (joy)! I'm getting myself very worried about finances. Now my mum's gone we're missing her "rent" so we need to budget carefully and I have a weekly food budget to try and keep to and although it's giving me a project I'm worried that we're overspending a bit... We were in debt until quite recently (remortgaged and paid all debts off) and I'm scared stiff we'll end up in debt again.. This is compounded by the fact that I'm beginning to wonder how I'll get back to work again when the baby is here as my mum (who would be main childcare) now has a job over lunchtimes so I really don't know how viable it would be for me to work (if I paid childcare even with the help of tax credits it would hardly be worth it). I'm starting to panic about it all.... (I had assumed that I would be able to go back to work 3 days a week and now I'm not sure!) I know we are better off than a lot of people, my dh has a reasonable job, we don't have debts (at the moment) and we have a house... I'm just shit scared of life basically. I'm not used to having to be "responsible" like this. I've always been used to my mum looking after dd for me, me working and having enough money not to worry... Things are quite different this time round, I feel like I've aged 20 years overnight. (Welcome to the real world me!)

Dh has started decorating the baby's room. We ordered the nursery set. I have to say that I've just tried not to talk to dh about my anxieties about the baby. I think it just makes things worse. He gets angry, I get angry, we end up in tears. And it's pointless because whatever I say the baby is coming anyway. So what is the point of talking about it. I'm trying to be positive. I want dh to be happy. Plus he hasn't been very well the past few days and I don't want to tip him over the edge with stress as well.

I'm feeling like I'm in a bit of a bubble at the moment in that I've put all my energies into the house, and work (which is very busy at the moment) and I'm trying not to even think about the fact it's about 10 weeks till the baby arrives. When I do start to think about it I get very panic-y about it all. Dh was watching One Born last night and the woman had a c section and was walking down the corridoor to the theatre and I nearly burst into tears because I think that's when I'll have a total meltdown ... I really don't know how I'm going to cope with it when it's D-day as it were. I'm very worried about how I'm going to cope in terms of pain, recovery, not being able to "do" things. And that's without even thinking about sleepness nights with the baby, the baby wanting attention every 5 mins and trying to have 5 mins peace to myself..

I suppose everything is still the same under the surface but I'm doing a better job of staying afloat for the time being. We'll see how it goes.

If it helps, I had an emcs and although the first day was painful my recovery after that was very speedy and i'm actually doing better than many of the mums in my post natal group who delivered vaginally. Hth.

I took arnica pills straight after and swear they made a difference, btw.

Thanks makescakes and crystals... I like the tip about the arnica, I will look into it. I do think my recovery after my vaginal birth was horrendous (nearly a week in hospital afterwards, couldn't hardly move for weeks for the pain) so I find it reassuring when people say recovery from their c section was comparatively easier... I'm prepared for the worst, so anything better than the worst has to be good.... !

Re my husband... I do think its difficult when someone is a "fixing" type because when things are out of their hands its hard to cope. I know you're right and I should focus on what he "can" do rather than can't, but sometimes I just get so angry with the world, I suppose in some ways I do emotionally lash out at him but I don't really understand why I do.

Todays not been such a good day. Its just been me and dd all day. Dh is at work and now mums moved out she seems to be constantly too busy to chat (!) So I've been a bit lonely and dd keeps saying she's bored.. We don't have much money to spend so she's mainly been playing moshi monsters on the pc for several hours at a time (feel like a terrible mum) we did have an interlude where we did some painting together at the kitchen table and I took her to the parl next door for half an hour... But its boring for her as obviously I can't run about!

I don't feel like I'm giving her my all at the moment. I'm tired and drained. I don't have the energy to chat all the time. I don't know if that's depression or being heavily pregnant.

I'm dreading tomorrow as will be more of the same - and monday as dh is at work everyday and its just me and dd. I feel incapable. And a bit scared of making her unhappy I guess. I don't want her to have a horrid time being with me. She's going away to her other nannies and her dad for the second week of easter.

I'm trying to do everything I should be doing. I've made dinner ready for when dh gets home. I just don't feel like "me" somehow. Coupled with this I feel like a whale. I used to always make an effort with my appearance including make up and now I just think what's the point I still look like a whale. I feel like whatever I do is pointless as nothing detracts from my being a walking basketball.

To add to my joy one of my exes friends appears to have moved into my street and we keep passing each other. He says hello. He must think wow she's really let herself go. I feel so embarrassed. I'm sure he will go back to my ex and say he saw me and you'll never guess what she's pregnant and she looks such a state. At the same time I think why the fuck do I care wat they think??? It just grates me. I was the glam older woman, the daring one. And now I'm just a fat hippo. I don't like it.

Anyway I just wanted a vent really. I can't vent in real life at the moment. To add to my little frustrations dh has got a new box set of some tv series he's into and he thinks I am too (well I liked one episode) and now he's going on about watching it together but I really don't give a shit about watching it. Its boring. I'm bored. But I know to him us watching things together is a sign of coupleness, of being "happy". So I will yet again please others and pui up and shut up.

Does anyone else feel like life is a "job" soometimes? The only time I can remember feeling like it wasn't was when I was either drunk off my face (I gave up drinking as I was doing stupid things drinking), mentally opting out of everything or going on holiday (which I can't afford to do again). Sometimes I just want to check out and say that's it I'm done. But I won't.

That's interesting... And you're probably very right. Although part of me does think well I know what terrible gossips they all are, so in reality he probably will say something. And I know I look awful. Well ok pregnant, but to them that would translate as awful as they're into clubbing and pubbing and getting all dressed up etc - not having babies and waddling around like this. My ex was in the middle of a big social circle, going to festivals, the "cool young" crowd, and being like this makes me feel old :( I wonder if I'm ever going to feel young again. I'm 31 and I might as well be 51.

I just can't get to grips with how much my life has changed over the past 2 years. And yet this is what I wanted. I love the security of my dh and I wanted this baby. And I feel terrified. Overwhelmed. Its such a mixture of emotions.