Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

Well its been well over a month since my last update so this is what has happened since the beginning of September:

1. Scans and biopsy - now awaiting the results. STBXH offered his'full support and just call me if you want anything' to which I replied 'Why would I need your support? You didnt support me when I needed it and you lived here, and you didnt support me when I underwent the same two days after you left.'

1. No divorce - he STILL hasnt signed the documents - two months on saturday since the original dealine passed! No mediation, no councelling nothing that involves him having to pay for anything, which brings me nicely to the next point.......

1. Stopped paying for the children as he has resigned from his job. But he managed to rent a flat, buy new furtniture, buy her a dog, go on holiday etc

1. Sees the children occasionally, sometimes its two weeks between visits when he supposed to visit twice weekly.

1. He has set up a bank account and a mobile phone account at my address without my permission and without actually living or being registerted here. Someone isnt completing the required status checks.

1. Job is horrendous, I wont go into that.

1. Low blood count and very low iron so always tired, finding it hard to concentrate, let alone drive the distances I do every day.

1. Had to approach the Police because OW has been sending inappropriate emails threatening me. I could have had her arrested but decided against that. Also had to approach sols to state if that continued we would be taking out an injunction.

1. He has told his family that I'm mentally ill - well his father because he doesnt talk to anyone else! Apparently he makes notes every time he is with the children about everything they say and ewhat anyone else in the street says to him.....and I'm mentally ill!

On the positive side the DC are happy on the whole, they dont miss the useless article otherwise known as their father and our relationship is wonderful. We are making new memories each and every day.

Happy daysssssssss

Oh and I forgot to add I have some lovely RL friends who have been wonderful to my children and myself over the last seven months. Love them dearly XX

Good hear from you - sounds like you and DC are doing really well in moving on.

Had a t/c from DS school yesterday saying that DS has been writing some very emotional things in his literacy work. They have spoken to him about it but it all stems from the fact that his Father lacks consistancy and doesnt seem him very frequently.

I felt awful afterwards because I know that there is nothing I can do. I could call him to discuss what has happened but I alreayd know the response will be 'sort it'. I really cant sort any issues that dont involve me. Basically it means he has to be consistant in his visits, actually tell his children he loves them and even, I know its pushing the boat out, give them a hug every now and again bearing in mind he hasnt done the latter two since he left in March!

STBXH continues to say his leaving has had no impact on the children and that they have gotten over his leaving but really they havent and its not helped by him continually putting OW and their new dog before his children.

How sad

Is there any chance he could have some counselling? would the school be able to help with this?

He has AS, school have done little to support that in all honesty. I'm going to approach CAMHS directly as he was originally assessed for As by them.

Its just the lack of empathy his father has. I really think that this upsets me the most. He really pushed to have children, constantly said that he couldnt understand men who ended a marriage and 'forgot' about their children.......but he has done exactly that and doesnt realise.

Well today is a totally weird day. Its my birthday and the first without my STBXH being here. I really just feel like crying at the moment. The pain I'm feeling is awful.

He called to speak to the children last night and arranged to see them today, as per contact plan, I dont think he realises its my birthday and how not having the children here is going to make me feel but he was always selfish to tell the truth.

I realise its just another first - DD has had her birthday without her Father, now have to get through:

1. One former wedding anniversary
2. Christmas
3. son's birthday

Some how men really dont understand that these are all special days.

On the whole I have so many good days but this is a diffuicult day.

Happy birthday, Redtulip!

I know it's so hard when it's a special day and someone else doesn't acknowledge it, BUT... as you said so wisely a couple of pages back... you can only control your stuff, not how other people act or react.

I think you should decide that today is going to be your first DEFIANT BIRTHDAY! That you are going to spend at least some time today spoiling yourself in a number of different ways to nurture your body and your spirit - take a long bath, listen to some upbeat music, buy (or bake) yourself a cake, read a strong poem, go out for a walk with your family and kids, etc. etc. etc. Also, you should make a big long list of everything you've done since this started - everything you've handled, everything you've sorted out, everything practical you've finished.

You're doing amazingly and you need to take just a couple of hours out to realize how very much you've accomplished and what that means - i.e. how strong you are.

Happy, happy birthday - you're inspiring.

happy birthday redtulip I found the first birthday without fwit, and the first Christmas hard. We are just coming up to the first year without him, and all his nonsense, and things are getting easier. I hope they will for you too! x

Thank you Struggling100 and Parsley for your kind comments.

Over the last week or so I have lots thrown at me and managed to come through without a thought for STBXH but today I just feel that I have gone back to March when he left and the feeling of complete abandonment has returned. I lost my temper with my DD this morning over a missing dog lead and lost a pair of shoes. I sobbed when I realised how she must have left and apologised for my response to a minor daily occurance but maybe today was not the day for it to happen again!

Not always helped by sols letter being recd yesterday asking for more money and other details.

I know I have achieved so much since he left and I know that I am stronger now than before he left but I still grieve for what might have been and the dreams he promised, in all honesty they were just the pipe dreams of a weak and feeble man who couldnt live in the real world.

Onwards and upwards so they say

You've been a rock for your DCs and you're loved. Keep on keeping on .

Feeling less despondent as the day has gone on. Just a little subdued now. It feels so very odd.

Arranged a meeting with my DS's HT for this week to discuss the continued bullying he is stuffering at school. Really on top of everything he has had to endure this year bullying is the last thing he needs. But to tell the truth this has been going on for a long time, and I mean years, whenever this particular child is in his class (they switch children around every year so my DS has only had to deal with him on alternate years but it should not be continuing). This coupled with the in ability for the school to get a handle on his AS really hasnt done him any favours.

And the day just gets better............

Your million pound question is this:
Your STBXH has arranged to collect his children between 5 and 5.30pm. You get a call at 5.20pm. He says:-

1. He is too busy to see the children (just like the week end)
2. He is stuck in a traffic jam and will be too late to see the children
3. He has been attacked by aliens and as a result cant make it to see the children

And the answer is.......1.

Thanks for maintaining my low opinion of you, you complete and utter arse! Happy bloody Birthday

PS - I'm not angry for myself becuase I didnt want the children to go anyway but I'm angry because yet again he has let them down and he wonders why they dont want to spend anytime with him or even talk to him.

twat

Have you started mediation yet? This is something probably best dealt with at mediation.

No we haven't started mediation because despite having the forms sent to both of us he has refused to complete the forms. He's response is that he isnt paying for anything and he doesnt see the need because he is being reasonable!

Reasonable = not paying for his children, phoning when he feels like it, cancelling contact at the last minute or always being too busy, renting a one bedroom flat with OW so there is never a chance of his children ever staying over night (again not that I wouyld want them to really) and finally putting OW before his children.

If he wont sign the divorce papers becuase its the last bit of power he has there is no chance of going to mediation because he confuses it with Relate. By the way apparently he had a university education but you really couldnt tell.

By the way forgot to add he asked for mortgage details: co, a/c o, balance, copy of 2011 statement because he is under the impression that because he isnt working and not paying me that Income Support will pay instead! Laugh I nearly wet myself. I mean really is he that thick? So I left a message on his phone with the a/c no and telephone number of the mortgage company and told him to find out himself. In the meantime I contacted the mort co and ensured that any correspondance sent to him is copied to me. I am aware that OW isnt happy that we are living in the house whilst she is in a one bed flat with him and a huge dog, so I'm ensuring I'm fully covered.

I know that you have had legal advice - looks like there isn't a lot you can do about the situation except to stay as detached as possible.

You will be free of him eventually although I really do admire your strength in coping with such a difficult situation.

After five(?) years you can get a divorce anyhow, and he can't be quite as obstructive with regard to that part at least, IIRC. I was going to wait the two years to go for no fault divorce, but then I thought, no, why should I spare his feelings, he hasn't extended the same to me...

Five years of him still attempting to control the lives of my children and me! Not on your nelly! I will have my divorce, he will pay for it and his adultery will be listed.

He has put my children, my family and me through enough pain and heartache and it has to stop.

I dont engage with him. I dont talk to him. I dont respond to his constant failure to care for his children. I just pick up the pieces of their broken hearts, glue them back together and prepare them for the next rejection. Shame on him.

((hugs)) for you today tulip...... My twunt walked out a fortnight before my 40th, then came back... but now looking back I feel like my birthday was a farce... walking along a seafront hand in hand, drinking hot chocolate, champagne and chocolate cake at my mums to celebrate afterwards..... I had been saving the champagne for a special occasion and now I wish that I had saved it for my divorce! Also discovered afterwards, that he had spent the day texting OW..... and on the night of my party, he spent the evening with OW and her H......... I am determined to enjoy my 41st birthday without him around, so try and think of this as just another day, just another step along the way and that next year, you will have a fantastic birthday.

Your ex really is a useless twunt isnt he. Its so hard for the children to understand now, but when they are older they will see it for themselves.

Being the good person I am I found a book and some DVDs of STBXH and put them to one side for when he dropped the children off.......well i wish I hadnt bothered. How I stopped myself from throwing them in his face I dont know. Why?

1. t/c last night saying he wanted to speak to Dc, they didnt want to speak t6o him so I informed him. I was then told he would see the DC on Saturday afternoon collecting them between 2 and 2.30pm. I told him the DC didnt want him to bring the dog because they are bored nof walking around the park not being able to play. His response 'Well if I can't bring the dog I won't see the kids', yes that right he is putting the dog's needs before those of his children.

1. Told this afternoon he wont see the children for the next three contacts because he is going on holiday. He, apparently needs to take the OW away because they both need the break! FFS for someone who cant afford to pay for his kids because he isnt working its strange that he can afford to go on holiday - something we could never do when he lived here because he was always busy! PS I did ask him for some money a few weeks ago for coats for the children but he said he couldnt afford too.

1. Accused me of having an attitude because I wanted to close my front door - he discusses everything on the doorstep because he and OW see me as a threat because they reced a ltr that wasnt from me - but of course I get the blame.

1. Asked for mortgage details again to which I responsed I left a message earlier in the week

Rant over!

twunty twunt twunt! My twunt did the same, cant afford to pay for the school uniform etc, then went abroad and then claimed in mediation that he needed the break.... a break from what exactly? From hardly working? From lounging on your friend's sofa all the time? From having all your meals cooked for you? From having walked out on your wife and DD and leaving to fend for themselves?

Ooh it makes you want to scream doesn't it, how hard their poor little lives are, boo hoo... NOT!

Any man who puts a dog in front of his kids, is no man at all. Your kids will understand it one day, its just such a shame they have to go through all this shit now

Skye my twunt said exactly the same on Saturday when he said he wouldnt be able to see the Dc for the next theree contact visits because he and OW were going on holiday because they needed the break....boohoo!

Anyway got an email from sols today saying that the twunt has finally got around to signing the divorce petition...only three months late, he was never very good at deadlines. But instead of sending it to the courts the numphty sent it to the sols. I again say a university education really was wasted on that man.

Wow the ow got herself a real prize there didn't she! What a shit, can't buy children's coats but can go in holiday

I am being a little strange but the fact that he is on holiday in rainy Wales, I am finding really liberating. No waiting for a call at anytime between 4 and 8.30pm, no visit and definately no attitude on the door step. [hgrin]

Started planning Christmas yesterday, already ordered DC's bikes - now there a story for you. DS said I only want one thing for Christmas a new bike, one without rust or stratches. I said fine and we selected one at Halfords. He told his Father who went crazy. Apparently said to DS that it will never be as good as anything I get you (those that have read my story will know STBXH sells second hand bikes as his new career) to which DS said well at least it wont be rusty! You know the saying out of the mouths of babes. STBXH then walked off at pace leaving DS to catch up with him in the park. Nice! [hshock]I do wonder at time who is the parent and who is the child. DD's response was equally as funny. i asked her what STBXH had done with them to which she replied - expect us to pick up dog poo, I just ignored him Mummy its alot easier.

Even looked up recipes for a Halloween party for the DC and a few of their friends - again something we were not allowed to do when he lived here!

Off to GPs this morning to try and fine the results of my biopsy - hospital said they cant fine the results so I'm hoping the GPs been given them. Also hoping the silence from both is a positive although my heart was in my mouth yesterday afternoon when the GP parked outside my house, looked at some notes and then smiled at me. Fortunately he then went somewhere else.