Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

Good for you!!!!! And mean it ..... Total financial legal & personal separation. Are you divorcing him for adultery?

STBXH refused to sign the confession statement for adultery and despite my complaints the Sols said that I could waste thousands just getting him to sign something he has already verbally confessed to. So he suggested that I sign the divorce petition on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour with the sols adding that STBXH left me on the Sunday and moved straight in with another woman and so should be totally responsible for the divorce costs. He did say that whilst this will be totally up to the judge it doesnt look good from STBXH view as he sold the wedding ring the day after he left and the fact that he left us in such a difficult position not just with the house and finances but in supporting me with my medical investigations.

the worst thing about it all is that I had to apply for residency of my own children despite the fact that STBXH doesnt want them anyway!

Despite all of the above we have had a really lovely day and there are times that i realise that I'm truely blessed to have two lovely children - fortunately they take after my side!!!!!!!!!

I think you should be trying to detach from him - no contact unless its about the children and he shouldn't have access to your home.

The less you have to do with him, the better you will feel.

Absolutely!! They must have all their genes from you!!!

I am detached, what I was prepared to do for him was something I would have done for anyone. It WAS NOT, and never will be anything other than a friendly gesture. I didnt expect anything from it nor would I have accepted anything.

I only speak to him about the children, hence the telpehone call last night. He often asks our DS during the nightly telephone call whether I wish to speak to him to which I always answer NO. He has asked whether I want him to do anything around the house, to which I always answer NO. No one is asked to do anything for me, I am independent of him emotionally and physically, and thats the way I want it to stay.

He is allowed in the house because he brings the children home on a weekend and when the children are at school he completes homework with them on his other visit during the week. When he first left it was still dark at 5pm so I wasnt prepared for the children to be walking the streets - this was purely for safety reasons and as agreed with my solicitor I went to another room to ensure he had 1-2-1 with his children. Throughout this the DC have been my priority and their emotional and physical safety is the most important thing. I would never expect my DC to walk the streets just to avoid contact with him.

I wasn't suggesting that you let the DC walk the streets. Can't you do the handovers at the door? He should still pick them up and drop them off but not enter your house - esp if he is being such a wanker, sneering at you etc.

Why can't he take them out for his midweek visit?

He does take them out at a weekend. They dont stay in the house, nor have they been doing so towards the end of term for the week night visits - especially when the homework dried up! They will be out tomorrow with him and the hand over does usually take place on the door step. But there are times when during the week night visits that its been raining etc so I have simply put my DC needs first.

When its term time he often turns up at 6pm, eventhough he is due at 5.30 until 7.30, and as they DC are still young I want them to do complete their homework, be read to, have a bath etc before their usual bedtime at 7.45pm. These are all roles he is expected to do by the DC.

I'm much happier now ex twunt isn't in my house anymore. Doorstep handovers work best for me. No chit chat, just business.

Rec'd letter from sols today confirming that my devorce papers have now been submitted to County Court for issue and service upon my STBXH. Oddest thing is that it has also confirmed that he has changed his surname back to his premarriage name (we merged our names) so now it doesnt share the same name as his children - nice!

I feel abit odd bearing in mind he is really pushing for this devorce and his OW and her husband havent even investigated that yet. Bearing in mind that she has used social media to ask to go home I think he might be in for a rude awakening. It all fears a little surreal especiallly as this weekend sees the tenth anniversary of us completing and moving into my home.

STBXH took the Dc out today which by their accounts was a bit of a disaster - him being on the phone or writing in a journal instead of talking/[playing with the DC. One came home with friction burns from a slide and the other was upset by two other children calling her names. He said he didnt know anything about it - funny that bearing in mind he was too busy elsewhere!!!

Cant wait for our hols - no phone calls or visits to upset the DC or me.

Returned from hols after having a wonder time with DC and without the stresses of STBXH looking down my back everytime. did all those usual family things - a little unusual doing it with a husband but is was all fine. Got home divorce petition received from court for him, one tele phone call stating he cant afford to take the children anywhere when he visits although he did turn up with another new bike!

More post received today another £619 needed to cover sols costs, it pains me to ask my family for the money especially when the children opened some post today - one addressed to me from another firm of sols re:mediation and another addressed to him from former employers confirming payment to his new account of several thousand pounds. All this to someone who refused to pay for the chldren after this month becuase he wont be working. All this from a man who wants the house sold becuase he cant afford to pay towards it anymore becuase he has a new flat to pay for, yet he doesnt have a job. I'm here scrapping together money for new uniforms and shoes and he is sitting on several thousand pound, doesnt pay for accommodation or food doesnt pay elec/gas/council tax/water/tv/telephone bills. I asked for some money towards new shoes and was told no.

I have spoken to sols about this payment and they said they can do nothing but for me to contact csa. did and they said there is nothing they can do. I just feel that my life just isnt fair. He left me and his children, he walked out, he pays nothing for his own upkeep, he doesnt pay any bills, he takes no responsibility for his children and yet he always seems to get away with everything scotfree. I'm here parenting, paying bills, going without, dealing with his debts and now feeling that I cant deal with all this much longer.

I know I can cope but at the moment the tears just keep flowing. I have to go cap in hand to my family to pay for the sols fees and he is paying nothing.

((hugs for you )) Im glad you had a good holiday, but so sorry you had to come home to all this crap.

Ive had a bad couple of days myself and when the tears start they just dont stop do they :( My counsellor said that tears are good as they are a release valve, so not to stop them.

My twunt is currently paying for DD, but I know he is in financial difficulty and am constantly worried that he may go bankrupt (not for the first time either)....

I take it that you dont qualify for legal aid with the solicitors? although Im sure your family are glad to help you. I dont like to bother mine, but they will always help where they can.

Sorry to hear of your troubles Skye. I really dont understand most men it would appear. Whilst my family are more than willing to help out it seems completely wrong that they have to do this whilst he is sitting there with several thousand pounds in his bank account (lets just say the amount rhymes with hate!) and paying nothing.

My next worry is obviously is is going to continue to pay towards the children? Because he doesnt currently know that I know about his money and the comments he made last month about getting nothing in future and wanting the house sold so he and OW can 'finally start their lives together'.

I just feel that this is not my making but I'm being forced to pay for everything. I made a comment the other day to him about something similar when he said that he May start to make small contributions to the solicitors costs becuase now that he hasnt got an income he really cant be expected to pay for it all. I explained that the petition does state that he is to pay for everything because the entire events are of his making and the sols doesnt see why I should pay for something I never asked to be party to. His response was to say that £1 a week court order is all he could manage and the same would be true of his contributuon towards the children. There are times when I have to internalse everything becuase I know that if I said anything out aloud then I could possible forget to stop.

I was only thinking the other morning that despite everything I did still have feelings towards him as he is the father of my children but now that he is prepared to see his own children homeless that I only wish he had left after conception.

Sorry to hear this - its so unfair! He will live to regret it I hope.

He is such a twunt isn't he. I've no doubt that in time my H will drop off the visits etc, everybody has warned me to prepare for this.

How can they just walk away from their kids and expect not to pay anything. It's just unreal. If they walk away from a family, they should have their ducks chopped off so they can't start another one!

Dicks not ducks

There is no chance he can start another family for 3 reasons:

1. OW is way too old for anything like that
2. He wanted DC before he was 40 and wasnt prepared to have any children after that point. Hence 2 children in two years. He is 45 now.
3. He had his corns cut!

I should be thankful for small mercies really!

I don't think I will ever come to terms with the fact that STBXH walked out and I didn't see it coming. How on earth can a man live with himself after doing that to his family?!

I really really hope that one day our twunts and all the others on her get what they really deserve.

I hope things get better for you. I try to be strong but it's not easy us it? But we cant let these twunts destroy us.

I know exactly how you feel Skye. I'm really sick and tired of feeling this way - that I'm some sort of failure when I gave everything to my marriage only to be treated so unfairly by someone I loved with every fibre of my body. I feel stupid at times because I didnt see any of this coming. I didnt see his selfish ways or the way he treated by my Dc and myself. I had nothing to measure it by. right from the outset of our relationship I explain that I thought infidelity was never excusible and would never be forgiven. he said the same and look what he went and did.

He came from a divorced family and said that he would never do that to his own children because he saw how it could destroy a family - but he still went and did it.

I do feel foolish at times for still being so upset. Its just over five months since he left, I have a divorce peition at court and uncertain future for myself and my children but at least I havent let them down and I still love them and they love me.

My H was cheated on in the past and said he could never do that. He did the same, blindsided me when I had no idea he was unhappy. He just walked out! He said his feelings changed over a period of time but he was happy to carry on sleeping with me during that time!

He then texted ow etc , behind my back, all before he walked out. I can see that he really left because of her but he can't! He's still denying any affair of any kind. It was 4 months ago today that H went....,

I could file for decree absolute in three weeks.... He didnt want to get divorced, I didn't want to remain married to a selfish twat who didnt love me...,

But me and my DD are closer than ever and she knows that we have each other.

The divorce, whilst at court, is going to be in limbo until he agrees to go to mediation or I file and order against him if he makes no attempt to either sign the petition.

Throughout this I have organised everything kids, contact, divorce, bills etc and he has done nothing because he doesnt want to pay for anything. Lets see what he does next

H is paying me at the moment but that could stop at any time.

I won't file the absolute until I've sorted out the mortgage. I want him off the deeds ASAP as I'm afraid i'll lose the house if he goes under. I've seen a couple of emails where a company have been chasing him for £300 for several weeks and I know he's just had a massive tax bill and vat bill to pay...,

I had to pay £340 to file a divorce that I never wanted! So bloody stupid!

I hate him and all twunts who think the grass is greener. I hope they bloody choke on it.!

So sorry for your awkward situation you and your kids have been put in, try and get some real help advice and support there is a way out of this , HE has done his worst , NOW my girl you can do this on your own , and you will be strong for your kids , they will get you through this nightmare if nothing else. Good luck BIG HUGS TO YOU.

STBXH has really hit a new low! Accused me of sending a letter that I know nothing about to OW - I only wish I had! Told me that its my fault that our DD doesnt speak to him and that I wouldnt get any of the windfall he has recently received. Told him to stick it anyway. Plus if I had really sent a letter I would have put my name on it, I'm not a coward.

Then after him reducing me to tears he became nice - does the letter really exist or did she send it to herself? He said he had to leave the children early because he was going to take the letter to the police for them to trace who had sent it. Apparently he said they would trace who has been looking at facebook aaccounts and take handwriting and DNA samples. I would be surprised if they did anything of the sort unless someone's life was threatened.

Anyway I asked him whether the job problem started last year and he finally said they had. I believe that is the real reason he left - to escape his problems at work and basically bury his head in the sand. I agreed that i would help him with our DD and encouraged her to spend some time with him alone today. Then on Saturday afternoon he cancels saying he was going to the Police because of the letter. But I thought he did that yesterday! Then when I was asleep last night I received yet another call ' Its you isnt it?' Having been woken from a deep sleep I didnt have any idea who was on the phone or what they were speaking about. Anyway I told him I didnt know what he was talking about. He thought he had put the phone down but hadnt and I could hear him pleading with her not to leave 'I love you and I have given everything up for you.Please dont leave me'' Then he hung up. I fell asleep again then received another call. 'Its you isnt it tell XXXX it was you because she is going to leave me. I dont love you and I dont love the children. I'm never coming back. If she leaves me I will have to live in a ditch (bothered!!!!). You are trying to destroy the life I have always wanted. Tell her, tell her!' I didnt reply apart from saying 'I know you are never coming back and that I didnt want you back.' I hung up.

Really its the life he has always wanted - no children, living in a crappy hotel with a 58 year old woman who has seven grandchildren, isolated from friends and family, no job, no prospects, no pension, no income and possibly the upgrade to a ditch! Some people really aim low in life! Anyway nothing this morning or this afternoon. I hope he has found a lovely ditch to inhabit.

By the way if I was trying to cause so much trouble would I have tried to build bridges between him and our DD? I even offered him our old freezer and microwave because I was having a clear out. I know some might say the latter was foolish but I have been trying to draw a line under past events and have dignity and the upper hand.

Sometimes I wish my life was less like a soap opera

hiya, sorry to hear you are having a crap time again... this did make me laugh

"some people aim really low in life"

what goes around comes around is my favourite saying at the moment..... looks like its got round to him now

like you say, its not your problem, he chose the life that he is now living.

I dont think you are foolish to offer him stuff, I think it shows that you are being grown up and mature about the situation, which isnt easy is it?!

did you really not write the letter? you can tell me, I wont tell anybody, honest

Thanks for your comments Skye. I'm a natural born worrier so eventhough he has created havoc in my life and the lives of those I hold dear, I still worry about him. I dont think emotions are that easy to turn off. I mean 12 years together - 12 years during which we had adoption processes, tests, then our own children, near deaths (three times for our DC), a suicide, funerals, his 5 different jobs, his hairbrained schemes, his obsessions etc etc etc. Basically our lives together always went from one disaster to another, some of his making, some due to outside influences but always a disaster!

But he is the Father of my DC and even though he is now saying he doesnt love them I cant believe that to be true becuase that would really be the final straw.