Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

Hidious mornign two hours of DD screaming at me all beciuse I asked her to pick up a game and put it away! Cried in the playground and all the way home. Went to see sol - everything I'm doing is right, so at least that will stop my family from complaining.

Came back and began to feel a little bit more positive - planted some bedding plants in baskets, took 22 bin bags of his crap to the tip but all came tumbling down late - dishwasher blew, fridge blew, DS stood on my laptop charged and broke it. I'm truely beginning to feel as if there is nothing I can do right. Took DD to Rainbows and the car took 38 attempts to start. One parent asked if she could go and get H - couildnt take much more and broke down crying. DS AS behaviour is awful. He is finding it really difficult to cope, all he keeps asking is if Daddy is coming back. I've told him no but thats making things only worse. i know that I've got to be truthful and honest but my question is why is his father relinquishing all responsibility - besides the fact that he an absolute arse, and I'm being polite there!

One good point is that sols have said that I would probably noit be repsosible for his debts and that besides maintainance for the children, half mortgage, pay for a divorce beside he has committed adultery, he will probabily have to pay for me too! Now for a man who is obessed with making money I think he'd better start!

Hugs, red. One day at a time and it will all be over soon. I hope you get the house problems out of the way, then you can really concentrate on your dcs and not have any added stress. Well done for going to the sols.

My ex told me over the phone he had left me. No warning signs at all. left me for OW but still says they only got together after we split don't believe a word of it as it is the woman I thought it would be. Left me financially in the shit huge mortgage and loan to pay. I like you begged for him to come back, cried constantly, sent home from work for crying so much and even walking round the supermarket set me off.

Anyway that was 4 months ago and I can now see he is not worth my time or effort and I am so bloody glad he did not come back. No matter how much it hurt and still hurts I can see that I deserve someone with some backbone and not a cheating, lying swine.

Financially I am not rich but I can afford my mortgage as I now have a lovely lodger and most of the time I am happy. I have my bad days as you will but they will get less and less. Remind yourself would you want your daughter to be married to someone like your ex? I expect the answer would be no so why would you want to be. You will feel better and life will get better once it all calms down. Get access sorted so your ex can take some of the strain off you with your DS.

I no it is super shit right now but think of something you have always wanted to do but couldn't because of your ex....he can't stop you doing it now. Hang on to the positives because believe me there are some to being a lone parent.

Just spoke to the spinless coward re:DS AS behaviour, to which he answered we will just have to keep plugging away at it. WE, WE idiot isnt even here and he thinks he can solve the problem when he sees the DC on Saturday. Beginning to think more and more that I have just spent the last 12 years of my life with someone who really is only concerned with himself! SCREAM. As for the water damage to the electrical appliances - Well they were working when I left! Yes but you stuffed the boiler up with cardboard - hardly waterproof. DCs are in bed, first school night on my own. All is very quite not sure how I feel about it.

All I want is for them to accept the situation but first I think that I must do that and each day I'm beginning to. I suppose the realisation hit me this morning went to sols and also found out, only because I asked him, that he had sold the wedding ring I gave him to spend on her. Transferral of affection fully completed I would say. I just wish that when I have to speak to him that he would treat me with some respect and not like someone that he is registering a complaint with.

Bloody hell, Tulip!

On the plus side - you're angry.

What have you eaten today?

Tulip, why don't you use some of that money (har de har) and go and find a nice, not falling down, appliances breaking everywhere you look, rental? Would that help to show the children that daddy isn't coming home but look - shiny new home! ?

Unless it is the home of your dreams, it sounds like a noose around your necks - you should be focussing on time to heal yourself rather than firefighting the problems with your living accommodation.

You are doing really well by the way. Brilliantly under the circumstances.

Ice-cream is great for when it feels impossible to swallow, or as someone said Slim Fast (at least it has some vitamins).

Tulip - make sure you get the house valued for sale in its current state -crap boiler and all. It will be worth it because the appreciation value of any work you do will exceed the money spent, especially if your family is helping with the work. You do not want your twat H claiming that any increase in value is thanks to him and that he is entitled to a share of it.

On a purely practical note: if you are not getting enough carbohydrates, vitamins, etc, then you will find everything twice as hard to deal with, as you need the serotonin / happy chemicals etc that hugely affect your mood, all of which you get from food. The mega amounts of B vitamins in Berocca will also help hugely if you can pick some up.

Secondly - wow, you are doing an amazing job and your kids will always remember how you held it together for them through this bad time. You are a great role model! This is as bad as it will ever get and it will get SO much better! Great idea re: anything that involves moving forward - solicitor, new plans, house on the market, etc.

And your husband has already sold his ring to spend on the O? Wow that has 'act in haste, repent at leisure' written all over it!!

Soggy Weetabix (I've said that on quite a few threads). Also milky coffee.

The only thing I would say about a private rental is that the vast majority are assured shorthold tenancies - after the first six months you can be given two months' notice to move out. There are landlords who will give 12 month contracts, but they're not common. I would worry a bit about you possibly having to move frequently, after all you've already been through and are still going through, and I think it would make things difficult for your DS.

If it's possible to get a valuation on the house as it is now, and make an arrangement to pay the paltry amount that would be the twunt's share at some point in the future when your children aren't dependent on you, and if you can manage the mortgage and the work that's needed, perhaps with your family's help, that might be the best option. Could be a big if, I know.

If you can stand seeing yet another lot of people, a CAB might be able to offer advice on what financial help you can get - Local Housing Allowance towards rent versus possible help with the mortgage. And the solicitor should be able to advise about the house, too.

Bought some red tulips yesterday, they are in a red glass vase on the (half-completed) kitchen window sill. They are a beacon of hope and brightness in my dump.

Thinking of you. You are very strong, coping with the house, finances, dc, appliances! Am vvv glad you are angry with H.

Second the vote for Berocca - it's expensive, you may be able to find a generic substitute in Boots or Tesco, but it will help your thought processes; you do need essential vitamins/minerals (and carbs and protein etc if you can get them down)

It gets better I promise. My ex left me 9 weeks ago today without warning. I couldn't eat or sleep and lost 2 stone in a month.
I still have down days but do you know what? My life is good I can go hours without thinking about him now and his life has gone to shit.

((hugs))

Redtulips are you ok?

There should be a law against this. I'm serious. Abandonment? I so wish there was a law to stop people doing this sort of heinous thing.

My heart goes out to you tulip. Sounds like you're cracking on with practical stuff - well done. He sounds truly, truly vile and I'm sorry he has dealt you such a hard hand. 'sharing resources' indeed!

As others are saying, one day you will be glad of this. May not mean much to you now but who needs a shit like this?? What a foul shit to have done this, particularly as you have a DS with challenging behaviour whom ex knows, I assume, would be seriously undermined by such a dramatic shift in his home life.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other - it's day at a time stuff here (hour at a time, 5 minutes at a time..). What's that irish blessing? 'May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.'

I hope your family back off a bit - not with the support but with the pressure ((hug))

Hi there everyone

I did post a message this morning but for some reason it didnt appear.

Victory this morning as I didnt cry in the play ground although I did want to. Children went into school ok so there are some positives.

My car took 38 attempts to start last night and another parent at Rainbows asked if I wanted them to go and fetch H. Broke down intears but at least I have booked my car in for a service tomorrow. My only worry is that now I will be the topic of all playground conversation, that wont do my DC any good!

What I didnt tell anyone in my original post is that my DH left me with £60K of debt and awaiting confirmation of whether I have cancer or not. What I didnt want was sympathy because of that situation but I think I'm slowly realising that basically he is only interested in himself and if he is having a breakdown as someone has already suggested I wish he would just get on with it.

A breakdown is possible I suppose especially bearing in m ind its common in his family - Mum was bipolar and committed suicide four years ago.

I'm not moving out of my house as this would just cause additional stress on my DS with AS, things are sgtressful for him now and that would only get worse!

Oh redtulip, ((huge hugs))

Your children are so lucky to have someone as amazing as you.

Don't worry about crying in public. Maybe a few rl people will start rallying round. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. There's a saying round my way - 'shy bairns get now't'

If one of your children is AS and you are not, maybe your husband is - might explain why he's found it hard to talk, why he's collected cars, etc..
Maybe approach him with that and have breakthrough with him? By now he's proby realising what he's done and regretting it.

Given you are bipolar you might find joining (it's free) moodscope .com good; help with keeping your mood up (great daily emails) and help you track what things bring you up/down.

One day at a time...

He WON'T have a breakdown...

I promise you. They ALL threaten it. almost to a abusive bastard man. it's said or alluded to ONLY to get you to back down and conform.

The way to react is to point out that his MH is his issue and that if he needs help to seek professional help. Stay cool, remain detached and refuse to get emotional about it. and tell him to call the Dr. Nothing more.

If people DO talk about you, that is a shitty reflection on THEM and not you. Not one person on this planet has life all fabulous all the time. Remember that?

1 in 3 women suffer abuse at some point in their lives, so it's far too common for some to get sniffy about. If anyone judges you then write them off and don't have anything to do with them.

stay strong. You are MUCH stronger than you think you are, you know?

Oh gosh tulip, you have an awful lot on your plate. I'm so sorry you are facing so much.

When my life gets to a pitch like this (and I've had my moments, I promise) I just kind of phase out. It gets so bad that well, what can you do? Nothing, really. It's like I release the reins, if that makes sense. I go into emergency mode re just the basics, just to provide cover. It gets to serious day-at-a-time stuff and anything extraneous simply drops off until I'm in a fit state to pick it up again. Not that I'm thinking about picking it up, I've got my eyes on the ground in front of me. Someone once suggested the 'floating' technique ie 'floating' over stressful things. Car won't start? float over it, don't engage. Can't find your purse? float over it. DS kicking off? float over it. It worked for me and still does when the need arises. Part of letting go of the reins thing.

He may or may not be having a breakdown. I should imagine his mother's suicide will have had a profound impact on him one way or another. But, regardless what he's facing, what he's done is reprehensible - imo there is no excuse for this. Has there been previous evidence that he may have inherited a MH problem?

Keep posting. Don't worry about the playground, you're having to hunker down to save your life at the moment and if other people don't like it, tough shit. Cry as much as you need to, it's a good sign and who wouldn't cry?

To JC777
His mother was bipolar not me!

Just came home from school and cried all the way home just because I have been given times for parents evening next week. I know he will find some excuse why he wont be able to make it.......car broken down, cant afford petrol, will mean he will get back late to OW etc. He is living in a city where he said we could never live deaspite both of us working there. Instead we would travel 90 miles a day to work and back, so now he is using this as an excuse why he cant visit ro sort issues out.

tbh I think the last thing you need at the moment is to see him - it would only drag the pain out. I'm sorry it's all so painful though.

He doesn't have to go to parent's evening.

Honestly it'll be FINE without him. Again, reflects on HIM that he can't be bothered to go.

Tell him the time you are booking and that is it. Full stop.

also, your dd has her head screwed on imo. She may not hate him to protect you, she may actually be seeing this situation for what it is. this may be controversial but imo it is not always beneficial for kids to have a relationship with the absent parent.

DD is only 6 I want her tyo have her 'head screwed on' obviously but I think she may be a little young at the moment. She has just found me crying in the kitchen and she said 'Now stop this we have each other. Breath in slowly and out. Now I'm leaving you for a minute and then I'll be back but no crying.' Forgot I'd created such a mature DD!

As for sucide affecting him, Springydaffs. Prior to us getting together he had left home at 1 after finding her with slit wrists taken her to hosptial and never went back - no contact, nothing. He only began speaking to her because I said that he had to learn to understand what made her behave the way she did. I made him visit her after various sectionings, have her to stay with us etc. When she died he didnt shed a tear, not a single feeling was expressed apart from drinking a toast to her on the anniversary of her death.