Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

I've got counselling but not until next month via employment and I did have a Relate session available but STBX refused to take part saying he had nothing to say because it was none of my business and that he hadnt loved me for a long time but didnt know what to do.

I sent a text this morning after he shouted at me again accusing me of hiring a detective to find information in which I said.....wouldnt need to find info out if you had been truthful etc I didnt do anything wrong....you would never talk.....you gave up not me.....I was always honest, loyal and truthfull more than you ever were...

Anyway I've dried my tears and have painted a wall - this seems to be the answer to every problem at the moment god knows what I'll do when everything has been painted!!!!

You can go to Relate sessions on your own btw - they are particularly trained to support you in coming to terms with the end of your relationship.

Did you hire a detective?

I'm painting a lot at the mo - I'll think of you if you think of me

NO I DID NOT! All I simply did was look at her friends on Facebook with the same surname, then from one person find a link to another, then another. found two daughters, three grandchildren and one husband then to make sure they correspond I then checked on Ancestry.Com and on the usual searches. Easy really I know when OW and her husband married, when they bought their current house and how much, who lived their, DOB for her, husband, children, grandchildren. Plus all their names occupaytions where they work etc.

Its really very easy you just search!

I'm not obssessed its just that I have never lied to him and he still expects me to tell him everything I do, speak to and buy but I'm not allowed to know anything about him or her. I feel that this is really unfair because I dont have any knowledge with which to arm myself when it all goes pair shaped and it is going pear shaped.

Don't tell him stuff, it's none of his business. Similarily try not to hunt more. Move on and away. Try to fill your mind with something new, although the house project is good therapy.

Well the time is 10.00 pm. Four weeks ago today everything was fine.some seven minutes later my world and that of my children fell apart when their father left without a word. A very strange anniversary.

Lots of tears have been shed over the last four weeks and just when I thought I was dealing with it he fires another bombshell. I've cried so much today I really began to think I was losing my mind. I dont know what the future will hold but its got to be better than this pain my children and I are suffering because of his inability to communicate effectively.

Thanks for nothing STBX!

I've just read through this all and just want to say what an arsehole. He needs to treat the DC with respect and consistency, seeing your children shouldn't be a chore. Does he really not miss them? Arsehole.

Any it always amazes me that the person that has an affair and leaves, treats the person they have betrayed as if they were the one that was wrong.

Also, you are getting stronger and better - your earlier posts are different to your more recent ones

There are times this blog might make be sound like a bit of a 'Bunny Boiler' but I'm not honest!! The reason i was able to find this informiiton out is because last year I traced my family tree and that of STBX.I learnt how to trace individuals etc and how to double check sources. I'm wasted in education, i should have formed by own detective agency for tracing cheaters and absent parents! I could have made a fortune instead of sinking into the debt he refused to face upto.

I'm going to bed - face is swollen from all the crying today and I'm really tired. As the famous quote from Gone with the Wind say 'Tomorrow is another day!'

I think it's perfectly natural that if you have the skills you will do a search to find out more, particularly as he is not giving you any info.

I notice you use the word 'allowed' ie 'I'm not allowed'. That's how we talked about our parents, no? I'm not pointing the finger here tulip but he's not your dad ! I know he's set it up like that but it's time for you to reclaim your life. You're an adult, a pretty skilled and strong adult by the sound of it.

I'm sorry this is so painful - he is certainly turning the screws. You hear of some shits on here but I've never felt so like someone is not even worth the breath. He sounds like a complete turd, vile. I'm sorry if that hurts you but, really, you need him like a hole in the head. Eventually you'll get there and thank God you are no longer tied to and handicapped by this waster. I wish there was a law against what he's done: the Cad law. Desertion?

Why not get in to get into detective work btw? You sound good!

Had a horrid nights sleep - couldnt sleep for crying, the same os far this morning. Took car to garage - cried in car park, drove courtesy car home and cried in that. I've booked myself a doctor's appointment for this morning but the children will have to come with me unfortunately.

I'm also in a lot of pain this morning and feel awful. No news on appointment at the hospital and cant ask during doctor's appointment as its a locum. STBX is due between 9.30 and 10.00 to take the children out.

I suppose I'd better get on with some employment work whilst they are out but at the moment I worry that I'll just end up thinking and crying.

Better get on then!

hang on, do you have regular access times? It's not a good idea from them (or you) to have a bit here, a bit there. Better it's a chunk of time set regularly. Kids don't like the to-ing and fro-ing, it can be very unsettling for them. (think how you feel when you've heard from/seen him - it sets you off againn - same for them )

Why cna't you talk to the locum btw? They'd have the same info as your regular GP. Sorry to hear you've been in pain ((hug))

Let yourself cry - it's all part of the healing/coming to terms with everything. It's horrible but imo it's a necessary, unfortunately ((another hug))

Morning red,

You are not a 'bunny boiler' i completely understand the need to find out more about the OW...my EXDP also wont tell me anything about her.... its not that she is that important to me in this whole mess, it just about getting some power back...knowing what you are dealing with. Him not telling me anything is about him trying to control the situation and keep me in the dark...

My EXDP left me for the OW four weeks this evening.....after the initial shock...i was doing quite well, making plans, sorting the house etc...but these last few days I, like you, have been crying my eyes out every few hours.....i think that i was on autopilot for the first few weeks and now reality has hit, this is it...

You are not alone I am going through this with you.... practically day for day.... my house was also trashed by him and im left with a unfinished loft extension, horrible kitchen living room etc.......... and he has walked away with hardly a backward glance....

We WILL get through this, and things WILL get better...we just have to hang on and make it through each day.....thinking of you x

ah, I've been thinking about you starting. Did you start another thread?

Hi Springy, yes I did here-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1437647-Starting-Again-Moving-Forward-Onwards-and-Upwards

X

A day of more revelations. OW doesnt have two daughters but four, not three grandchildren but five, she has told her daughters that STBX arrived at her house in the night with a blooded face because I have beaten him up. Lies! she is an alcoholic, was never the area manager, didnt have a crash so they couldnt met the first time as she doesnt drive. She is not the victim of domestic abuse she has told STBX and the best of all is that last year her daughters tried to get her sectioned because she is violent. Oh yes and she is a fanasist, did the same with another man in january but he left the house without her when she gave him money.

She has told STBX that she has lots of money - she hasnt. Not a penny! She has been running up debts left right and centre.

There is no need for me to worry about STBX leaving me for a slimmer model becuase he hasnt. Aapparently she doesnt walk anywhwere and in the past she was either driven by her husband or caught a taxi. She has been described as 'lazy' by her own family, cant cook or clean propery and secretly drinks - all this and to think she is working in a bar!!!!!

I'm not gloatting but.........

erm.... ehm.... er....

what does he see in her???

she sounds quite a catch

not sure how you ound all that out but well done Sherlock.
Who did she tell about STBXH about you causing him such injuries, you could tell your ex you knolw she has said this--is spreading liea about and you are seeing a lawyer to sue her for slander.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when your ex realises just what sort of person he has given up his family for.

I dont know. I mean even her family havent got a good word to say about her which seems strange. Apparently she has told her daughters that they are dead to her, so to are her grandchuildren. I mean how can you say that to your own children/grandchildren?

They have said that she has been doing things like this on and off for a while and maybe the man in January had a lucky escape but I cant help feeling that if they had gone away together this would never have happened. In addition she had only been messaging my STBX for four weeks, they became friends on Kingdoms of Camelot in January.

Hi Red....
Just read your thread and I just have to say keep strong, you seem to be doing a good job with your kids etc....I know it's very hard at times and there are plenty of highs and lows but just remember you are all better off without your knob of an x....
He has no control over you now and doesn't need to be told anything about your life, and I agree with the poster who said the kids need regular contact times ie- everyother weekend and one evening for tea or something similar

He does see them for 'tea' once a week on a week day, then for two hours on Saturday. As its the Easter break he said he didnt want to keep to the existing arrangement and I explained that maybe it would be a good idea that when he saw the children for a longer period bearing in mind he wasnt at work.

I cant let him see the children for any longer period over the weekend, or let him have them overnight, because whilst I know where he lives he is stating that his address is temporary and as such cant have children there. In addition as it is a hotel he is living in there are children protection issues to consider especially as the OW is employed at the said hotel.

My family don't have a good word to say about me either - it is not necessarily an indication of what is really going on... but it does indicate dysfunctional primary relationships (or a history of).

Day started well but soon turn horrid. Started to bleed straight through my clothes whilst out shopping, all over the floor. Had to return home and am feeling awful. In a lot of pain and whilst my parents have got the chidren now and for next few hours, I asked their Father to sit with them and deal with dinner and the bedtime routine. No was the answer. He would have them overnight with OW. No was my response! Well go to the hospital and taken them with you he said. Thanks for nothing!

Ah hope things are ok Red....
Seems that the best route to take with these men is not to rely on them at all, for anything! I know it's like that with my xp and we're 9 years down the line! His answer was always 'I do have a life you know'!!!

does the twat of an ex not realise that to take is DC's to the hotel would be a matter for social work and child protection.

He really is now showing his true colours. you are well shot of him.

Just back from the hospital - the bleeding just got worse. Been told that the chances of having to have a hysterectomy is very very high. That's just great to add to my other woes of the day - car repairs are going to cost inexcess of £400.00. Dont know which kidney or child I need to be selling at the moment!

It's all coming for you at once redtulip, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to make you feel any better, but once you have got through all this shit you will be so much stronger and a real inspiration to your kids. Hugs.