Devastated is an understatement

[redtulip68]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Starling. Unfortunately I'm in a very similiar position at the moment. My husband of 12 years left the marital home at 10.05pm last Sunday when myself and our two children were in bed. Not warning, nothing ran out in the night the coward he obviously is. The last week has been hell. i've had to tell the children because he only wanted to do it over the phone or in a pub, not in the safe environment of their home.

Apparently he had met some3one on line that he had connected with emotional - nothig sexual had occurred until after he left, or so he is saying. Over the last week I've heard nothing but lies and more lies. He has left the home in in such a state that part is uninhabitable. Environmental Health have been in contact due to the number of vehicles is has left in the garden, carport and other areas that we own surrounding the property. Since leaving I have found out that my wiring is condemned, the oven and hob are a danger to myself and my children. Cant have a bath unless a plunger is used to get plugs out. Had no hot water, could only have heating on for 30 minutes at a time, only flush toilets if someone contorlled the stop cock. Its been a nightmare. But he is living with someone and 'needing time to think what he needs over' whlst I live with two children in disarray.

Found we didnt have any contents or buildings insurance because he hadnt got round to setting up a new policy, bills were out of control because he hadnt got round to getting new quotes - I would have done it but evey bill was in his name at the time, obviously they arent now! Joint mortgage so thats ok.

Apparently will leave his income in my account for the next three months so I can arrange reapirs - what makes him think I can afford them now he has done? Then I'm to live off benefits - I've already established I'm only entitled to 10.43 per month. This is just so unfair, I really dont understand what I've done. he doesnt understand that our children deserve the truth rather than his web of lies which he now stating - I left beuuase we were arguing, 1 argument one night last week.

Visited children after I arranged it - 1 hour, then spoke to me for 2.5 hours, mean at the state but got better. I asked him to come back explained I still loved him and he said he would seriously think about it. He said that he still loved me but didnt think we could work it out because he has left.

Cant tell my family that I want him home bacuse they cant stand him, but I cant help the way I feel. its been made worse becauseof comments he keeps making on facebook which mean I then have to fiedl emails, messages and calls from joint friends and work colleagues. I know I'm having to do all his dirty work, clearing his stuff because he told me to, making calls left right and centre because that's what I'm expected to do.

refuses to give contactable address and often truns mobile phone off - so even in an emergancy I wouldnt be able to contact him.

cant sleep, havent eaten since our initial argument on 2nd march. i know deep down he isnt coming back but my children are young and own has AS. One hates their father, the other is in limbo becuase of promises father has made and subsequently not kept.

Nothing in my world is the same. I just dont know what I should be saying or feeling. Sick to the stomach of crying on my own. the pain is unbearable.

Please excuse the mistakes its just that really cant think straight. spoke this morning and asked if the comments he made yesterday about coming back were true or yet another one of the catelogue of lies he has told this week. Chidlren are lashing out at each other. But its not helped by their father telling them that he left because I was arguing rather than the truth that he was having an affair. There were several incidents this morning and I made him tell the truth but its still only part - now telling the children he is sharing a house with another woman. I just want to know where we all stand. Not lie after lie

Has your xh got life insurance...maybe u could bump him off to pay for the car

I think the sad realisation is that the person I married and had children with is not the person who walked out of our lives on 4th March. He doesn't care for children, or me, and the latter started a long time ago it was just that I refused to acknowledge that.

He has gone on holiday for a few days with OW whilst I'm having to deal with everything he has left behind. I have to realise that his priorities have changed and that they will never again be his children. Which is really sad because his children still love him but his duty of care towards them is nearly nonexistant, from picking his daughter up and dropping her on concrete because she answered back and not supervising our son and allowing his arm to get caught in a car door with brusing and cuts. His only interest when coming to see the children is to pick up bikes from his various sheds. I have to understand that once these bikes have gone so will his interest in his children.

The children's behaviour prior to a visit and just after a visit is awful and I know that these are linked. I really need to talk to my DCs and ask them whether they want to see their father at the moment. The same father they have started calling by his first name rather than Daddy because my DS said 'He's not my Daddy because Daddies dont do what Daddy has done to us'. If they want to stop seeing him then that will have to be the way and he can then approach the courts to set up contact. I have made all the arrangements concerning contact - the time, the place, even driving him and the children to places and I know that has to stop NOW.

He has done a good job on me, controlling my thought, opinions, career and life. Never in an obvious way but in a way whereby his needs were primary to those of the children and myself. His career came first, desite the fact that it has always lurched from one crisis to another, depite the fact that I have planned lessons, decorated classrooms, bought resources etc for him to enable him to still fail and be obtuse. But it was never his fault he would say each and everytime he failed it was because....HT hates me, the ch wouldnt behave, they've moved the goalposts, I didnt feel well, I was given the wrong information ....the list is endless. It was never ecause he was useless, even recently he failed because 'I'm under too much pressure what with this situation'. He is never wrong it is always someone else's fault. I mean five jobs in twelve years tells you something.

He has taken no responsibility at home for our lives or at work so meeting someone older without children at home means that there is still no responsibility. I have always planned and organised major events in our lifes from weddings, christenings, blessings, holidays, even the everyday things like food, uniforms, who is collecting whom from which club activity. He doesn't know when the children's birthdays are - he has asked, he has never done homework with them and very rarely read with them becuase that took time away from his school work, bikes or internet games.

I realise that Ii have been a lone parent for several years, it was just that I had someone to talk to and who would collect one child from activities whilst I looked after the other child.

We travelled together everyday to and from work, he never discussed anything that wasn't his job and his needs. I dont know how he could have been so deceitful and so cold when he was sleeping with me and seeing another person.

I need to understand that he is better out of our lives and that I haven't done anything wrong, I didn't leave,I never abused him - despite the fact that OW has told people I have, I wasn't unfaithful, I didn't ask for this and I didn't do anything to bring this on. I need to look for the positive in every day and whilst this is really difficult at the moment I have two beautiful children to bring up, who deserve a better life than what they have had over the last two years and in particular the last three months. They don't deserve to see their Mummy humiliated, talked over, threatened psychologically, feeling worthless or having objects thrown at her. I'm better than that.

From what you've said, his priorities were never his children - or anybody else except himself. Well done for losing the weight - all 12st of it. Do stop facilitating contact - ime it is a fallacy that all children need a relationship with the absent parent: some would be far better off without it.

I hope your health situation settles down OP. Well done, keep going.

Well done redtulips - it sounds like you've finally realised that you've been a sinlge parent for years, and can continue being one. It sounds like your dc need you a lot more than they need to see dh, and in fact seeing him is detrimental to their mental health, and yours.

I must have been a bit thick when I originally read your message Daffs because I thought to myself I've lost a stone and a half not 12! Then I realised what you meant!

Anyway went back to dr. Now I'm anemic and wont be able to see a consultant for another few months - so I've got no option but to continue the way I am until they give me an appointment and then I've already been told have surgery to have a hysterectomy. I'm 43 for crying out loud!

The useless article called as I was going to wait outside in the snow for a Dr appointment this morning to speak to the DC I said it wasnt possible as we were on the way out. I mean I have to take them everywhere now. Its snowing quite hard here and they stood out in it - poor lambs. He said he would call at 10 - I still wasnt back but he didnt call home or mobile so he really cares. I treid calling him but he is switching the phone off. Before anyone moans my DS wanted to speak to his father not me.

Daffs you are right and I have explained to the children this morning that I wont organise Daddy's visits anymore.

Well done Red...
It is hard but the more your xh continues to be a knob the quicker you'll get stronger at being able to deal with him.
You are in control, not him .
If its not convenient for him to talk to dc then don't answer the phone......my xp always had the knack of calling just as we sat down for dinner, I wouldn't answer but did get ds to call back afterwards. My ds is now 10 and his dad phones 3 times a week, if he's out playing I ignore the call and if ds wants to phone him back later he does and if he doesn't then he doesn't (obv a back story to this but I won't bore you with 9 years worth of crap)

Red, well done on your post...your obviously have now realised what little he brought to you relationship and that in effect you have been a single parent for some time.......

I also suspect that my EXDP is planning a holiday with his OW, while i am left here trying to sort out the shit he has left behind with the house, finances etc, while i now accept that he has gone, and i will never have him back, the way that he has just got on with his new life happily moving forward does grate.

He doesn't have any responsibilities, a new love, his own business (which i established and paid for!), i have a house in bits, im on my own and have no job at the moment...what a knob!

I was doing really well until I found out the STBX and OW were visiting his father and had then asked to introduce OW to other family members. I really felt as if my children and the twelve years we had shared were being pushed under the carpet and the existance of the children denied.

One family member refused to have OW visit. I realise that FIL was never really into 'grandparenthood' and apart from the birthday and christmas cheque there was little contact but I was always told that that was mainly due to STBX not wanting to spend anytime with his own family.

Anyway FIL and SMIL are welcome to her. Lets hope she gets the same welcome I always got - unwanted.

A mixed day. Good - children had lunch with family member, went out to the cinema in the afternoon, then to a friends during the early evening. I didnt speak to SBTX once - the first time since he has left!

Bad - STBX taking OW to try and met family members - but again on the positive side he failed to turn up to own who had refused to speak or have OW in their home.

Today for the first time I have been positive, I've laughed and I've sang. Yes I cried earlier today but I do feel freer to today then so far in this whole sorry situation.

I am glad you are feeling positive. Each day forward will help you feel better and more detached from the whole situation.

Here's hoping that the positivity continues . I love my children, family and friends. They have been a god send to me over the last five weeks. I know I have been extremely luckly to have this support and only wish that others had the same.

Well not everyone obviously - the STBX is excluded from this wish for support. Knob!

Great to hear it's been a more positive day tulip.

In future, please do see the link to having no contact with ex!

If you made a chart showing 'contact' in one column and 'mood' in the other you would see the direct link.

He's like poison to you at present (and for the forseeable).

May the good days/no contact continue

I love my babies and my babies love me. New life, new rules, new committments and new bridges to cross together. I know we can do it, I know it will be dificult but any worthwhile is always difficult at the start.

Just need to get myself passed the impending doom of the phones calls from STBX to DC. Busy for the next few days - friends coming to play with DC and Easter workshop to attend, so I'm sure things will improve.

The call came exactly at 8am lasted 1 minute. I passed the call directly to DS, he didnt speak to DD. DS passed the phone to me. STBX said I didnt ask to speak to you. So I hung up. Fine by me.

Just received email dated yesterday from STBX making threats that he will divorce me on grounds of unreasonable behaviour because I have found things out about OW. I called him a demaned an apology because I havent called a private detective despite him contantly saying I have! He wanted to know why I had researched her. I told him because he refused to explain what had happened, why he had walked out and that would happen in the future.

i told him exactly how I did it using facebook and ancestry.com, but he still doesnt believe me. then stated that he would ensure OW to sue me on grounds of invasion of privacy. Arse! He cant do that because everything I have found out has been in the public domain.

So you talked to him again?

I'm afraid you've risen to him. Much better to have ignored.

'She used a private detective to research OW' is hardly grounds for divorce even if it were true.

Financial settlements and maintenance etc are mostly based on making sure the children are provided for, and that the adults can move on with their lives. Except in exceptional cases (of which I hope mine is one, also had cocklodger) finances etc are not based on behaviour. And it doesn't make much difference who petitions.

Just keep telling yourself: it doesn't matter what he says or believes. Quite possible that he knows you are telling the truth, but he just wants some kind of attention, even if it's negative, like a bored toddler.

I agree. Refuse to speak to him at all. If a call comes to kids, pass the phone directly to them & then hang up without a word when they've finished. Do not reply to emails or texts. It'll drive him nuts which is a bonus but will stop you wasting any more energy on him or continuing this constant dialogue which is so damaging to your mood. For someone so "loved up" with OW he sure spends a lot of time & energy bothering you!!

Yes Daffs I spoke but I'm fine now because I know what I'm dealing with. he is scared. Very scared. He said that if I wanted to know anything I could have asked but he always refused to explain things. I asked several questions - all the answers to which I already knew! Apparently he is either lying or he doesnt know her as well I as I do because I know that some of the answers are incorrect but it doesnt matter because I have the power here not him.

Midwife99 I never thought about it like that! You are right he is spending alot of time an energy on worrying about what I know and what i can use against him. Told you he was scared!!!!!!

You don't own him any Conversation, Talk or Reasons. On anything you do or do not do.

Stop telling him so much !

And (((HUGS))), a cuppa, Thoughts and Prayers, Wine and Chocolate.

I didnt tell him anything apart from how to find people. I didnt respond to any of the answers he gave because I know the truth.

The best way to get to them is to
Ignore ignore ignore......no contact at all.
I wish I'd of followed that advice 9 years ago.