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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

367 replies

oldaninpurple · 11/03/2012 00:41

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:
LittleAlbert · 12/03/2012 11:47

here

figures

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 11:48

larry I am massively offended by your inference that I somehow enjoy, or get something out of, the suffering of women in situations such as this

la tricoteuse indeed Hmm

I'd ask you why you are always on these threads telling women that men should be forgiven for such lowdown nasty behaviour, except I made my own mind up about that a long time ago

LittleAlbert · 12/03/2012 11:50
  • Only 19% of women working as prostitutes in flats, parlours and saunas are originally from the UK (The Poppy Project, Sex in the City: Mapping Commercial Sex Across London, 2004).

    • 80,000 women work in ?on-street? prostitution in the UK. The average age women become involved being just 12yrs old (Home Office, Paying the Price. A consultation paper on prostitution, 2004).

    • 3 out of 4 women in prostitution become involved aged 21 or younger, and 1 in 2 aged 18 or younger (Child & Woman Abuse Studies Unit)

    • As many as 85% women in prostitution report physical abuse in the family, with 45% reporting familial sexual abuse (Paying the Price).

    • 75% of children abused through prostitution had been missing from school (Paying the Price).

    • 87% of women in street-based prostitution use heroin (M. Hester and N. Westmarland, Tackling Street Prostitution: Towards an Holistic Approach, Home Office Research Study 279, London, 2004).

    • 8.9% of men in London aged 16-44 reported having paid for sex in the past 5 years (Paying the Price).

    • In the UK as many as 60 women involved in prostitution have been murdered in the last 10 years (Home Office, Paying the Price: A consultation paper on prostitution, 2004).

source

LittleAlbert · 12/03/2012 11:51

but, hey, I'm sure your pal is just fine...

DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 11:52

noone is saying he should be forgiven, but that its UP TO THE OP TO DECIDE, and if she forgives him and tries to move forward, then thats ok, and if she decides to end it, then thats ok too, and that we will be here for her, because it all sounds like a fucking nightmare, and i would hate to be in her shoes. It really wouldnt be an easy decision for me at all if there was love and children involved :(

VeryLittleGravitas · 12/03/2012 11:57

are you a refugee from Pnternt, rockin?

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 12/03/2012 12:02

According to evidence submitted to the UK Government (Home Office, 2004), between 50-75% of women entered prostitution before they were 18, with 15 years being the average age of entry.

Cusick and colleagues (2002) found that a majority of British women in prostitution had begun prostitution as minors.

In fact, an overwhelming majority of women in all forms of prostitution have been sexually abused as children (Silbert and Pines, 1982a; Nadon et al., 1998). Some estimates are as high as 90%

Research has shown that there is a 75% rate of current or past homelessness among those prostituted in nine countries (Farley et al., 2003).

As a result of sexual exploitation and violence before and during prostitution, women, men and the transgendered in prostitution are known to suffer from depression, traumatic stress and other anxiety disorders, dissociative disorders, eating disorders and others (Farley et al., 2003).

A majority of women who sell sex have pimps who may be called by other names, such as friend or husband. Nonetheless they function as pimps (McLeod, 1982; Farley, 2007).

Watts and Zimmerman (2002) at the Department of Public Health and Policy of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine noted that trafficking for prostitution and violence against prostitutes was one of the most common and severe forms of violence against women in the world (2002). A study of 240 women prostituted in Leeds, Edinburgh, and Glasgow found that 26% of women in indoor prostitution had experienced some form of serious violence from the men who had bought them in the past six months (Church et al., 2001).

Only 9% of the women in Kramer?s (2003) study indicated that they had any positive feelings at all during acts of prostitution. More commonly, Kramer?s interviewees described feeling sad, detached, angry or anxious when prostituting.

source

PrettyPollytheParrot · 12/03/2012 12:03

Facepalm.

Rock I didn't comment much on the prostitution itself, more on the relationship but I work with homeless people, in particular homeless women who are or have been involved with prostitution and I don't recognise the story you are telling at all.

DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 12:05

i would take those statistics more seriously if the wording wasnt so loaded and it didnt contain so many irrelevencies

DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 12:06

anyway, im uncomfortable with the way this womans personal sensitive problem has become a debate and has made the personal, political, so im out.

much strength to the OP x

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 12:10

The personal is political, Dinah.

Individual choices do impact on the rest of society. To deny that is naive. This man has contributed to the sex industry, which no matter how many "Belle Du Jour" fabrications are presented as fact, is hugely damaging to women on a grand scale, worldwide.

rockinhippy · 12/03/2012 12:13

Pretty I do understand that, but as I said above, that particular element of prostitution is a whole different ball game.

The OP mentions e-mails/invoices, so it sounds like her DH is using a more professional set up entirely, its that sort of set up I base my comments on as its far more relevant to this thread.

& snap Dinah :)

rockinhippy · 12/03/2012 12:15

oldan

I wish you well & much strength for whatever decision you do make

LittleAlbert · 12/03/2012 12:15

"80,000 women work in ?on-street? prostitution in the UK. The average age women become involved being just 12yrs old (Home Office, Paying the Price. A consultation paper on prostitution, 2004)."

Is that the 'different ball game' to which you are referring.

And 12 is the average age....

NarkedPuffin · 12/03/2012 12:26

I couldn't even look at a man who'd done that.

garlicbutter · 12/03/2012 12:35

God, I hate it when a Relationships thread becomes a pro-con row debate about porn/prostitution. Not sure why those two matters bring out such vociferous defenders. Anyway, since we're here, I'll wheel out my usual comment.

A handful of my friends have been top-end hookers. They made a lot of money and were 'empowered' etc by their outward status. It is true, however, that all of them were abused in childhood. I seriously considered it (but changed my mind when I got my first punter) and also had an abusive childhood.

In short, my experience is that people who gain self-worth from prostitution (or any other form of abuse) start from a desperately low position. Without exception. I knew Lord Wolfenden who, despite his weird adoration of prostitutes, told me that every single one in his survey had been an abused child.

rockinhippy · 12/03/2012 12:36

@verity are you a refugee from Pnternt, rockin

SSSshhhh don't mention it - I'm trying to ignore that site - way to bloody addictive :)

oldaninpurple · 12/03/2012 12:40

[Thanks] to everyone who has replied, not only directly to me, but in joining in the discussion on the sex industry, it has made me think again about my views on prostitution.

He didn't just pick her up, he booked her online and to do so, had to purchase membership that was terribly premeditated but also very impersonal I think.

I started a general conversation last night about a friend who has recently left a long term relationship through her DP's affair and I casually threw into the conversation, "imagine how much worse it would be if he was visint prostitutes". He reply confused me even more.. It was long and complex but basically its a transaction between two consenting adults who each gain but he wouldn't personally indulge. He feels there are some men who have desires that fall outside of the realms of a loving sexual relationship and that specialist erotic practitioners (yes he did really say that) are beneficial in those circumstances and relieve loved ones of an uncomfortable burden!

I haven't cried yet and I wasn't calm enough to confront him last night. I feel like my soul has been burnt :( I am sure that's where he was Sat. Night, just dropped DD off at preschool and going for a long walk with baby. Doctor was most unhelpful, offered prozac if I felt I couldn't cope but still she got practice nurse and they did do tests. They both looked kind of embarassed. Sorry this is rambling
And all over the place, I should be angry but I'm not.

OP posts:
LittleAlbert · 12/03/2012 12:43

Oh, op. Sad

Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 12:45

I am so sorry, love

mummytime · 12/03/2012 12:58

Do try to look after yourself, try to eat, fresh air is good. Take the Prozac if you need it, but not if you don't.
Give yourself space and time to sort out your own mind.
He does sound like a liar and a hypocrite though, but then you knew that. I wonder how he would react if he saw the figures reported here?

mummytime · 12/03/2012 13:14

Do try to look after yourself, try to eat, fresh air is good. Take the Prozac if you need it, but not if you don't.
Give yourself space and time to sort out your own mind.
He does sound like a liar and a hypocrite though, but then you knew that. I wonder how he would react if he saw the figures reported here?

jenny60 · 12/03/2012 13:16

I am so sorry OP. Lots of us have very strong opinions on the sex trade, but what matters here is your bottom line. Please keep posting if it helps.

TBE · 12/03/2012 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockinhippy · 12/03/2012 13:17

oldan I'm sorry you are going through this too :(

as the others have already said look after YOURSELF - I can add if you find food difficult, eat bananas, they are easier to face at times of stress induced cant eat & are packed with good stuff to keep your stamina up.

I would also add, to help you feel more empowered in your current situation, go see a solicitor, you can usually find one who will give an hours free consultation, so if you go armed with all the relevant financial question, you should come out with a good understanding of your legal position, which will help you feel that you are in control of this & allow you to feel confident in following your head.

& I agree, prozac can help if you need it, but do be aware that for some people there is a 10 day window of a quite scary documented side effect, & that is trying to commit suicide, so make sure you have people around you at that point.

Really sorry your world is falling apart :( but you can & will find strength to get through this

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