Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

I do believe that a reasonable proportion of prostitutes are self employed or work in partnership with their pimp and are not exploited. None of us have any idea whether the specific prostitute used by the OP's husband was exploited or not.

What would be a 'reasonable proportion' in your view, Larry? What percentage of raped and exploited women is OK with you?

Sorry to hear what you're going through, OP. I don't think I could forgive this

Actually larry, my point was very pertinent to the OP. I was addressing the potential risks to her and her baby.

Both sex workers and their clients are far more likely to have a STI then the general population, hence the husband is putting his wife at greater risk then if he was having an affair.

This thread isn't helping the op at all. Let her deal with thing at a time, I imagine she is shock. Let's not pile more on her.

Op if your still reading how are you feeling today? Have you confronted your dh?

Polly my comment wasn't flippant as in the OP not minding. Clearly by posting she does. My comment was more about the priority she gives fidelity in her relationship and whether, on balance,if her relationship is strong otherwise, it matters above all.

For some it's an absolute dealbreaker and for others an issue that can be worked through. That was my point. Hope that casts some light.

That's true Queen, sorry for jumping in with both feet I was just raging at some of the views here which I agree isn't helpful to the op so will wish her well in her time of need and disappear for a cuppa!

Good old AF,

La Tricoteuse of the relationship threads. AF (and the rest of you) who are always on here posting sad faces and being outraged, it must be hard to wake up, log on and spend your entire lives being sad and outraged on behalf of other anonymous women.

And, you will never see me appearing on threads involving violence or cruelty. Those, to my mind, should always be deal breakers but there are those on here far more able to give advice on those issues.

My advice is symmetric to men and women. I would never advise a man to leave his wife over one incidence of infidelity either, or were she to pay for sex (and yes, it does happen).

larry some would view finding out your husband has used a prostitute as an act of cruelty on his part. Yet you have commented.

Hypocrite?

purple how are you doing today?

It is not surprising that this thread has taken this turn. The OP was clearly in shock when she first posted and people have pitched in with their own expressions of horror about what her H has done. Why? Because I suspect for most of us the thought of our partner visiting a prostitute is horrific. It is a betrayal. It is seedy and unpleasant and would diminish our partners in our estimations.

I regard men who pay for sex as worms, so the thought that my OH could do that would be a dealbreaker for me because he wouldn't be the man I thought he was. Full stop.

I get so upset by these threads, that I felt the need to tell my DP very explicitly what I consider to be out of bounds for me. When I told him I wouldn't stand for him visiting prostitutes or lap dancing clubs, he looked at me like I'd lost my marbles and said that the thought of doing either of those things made him feel sick.

It's really no wonder that the OP feels awful about this or that so many people are angry on her behalf. I really hope she's ok.

Queen,

Clearly I do not view it as "cruelty", so not a hyprocrite. Cruelty is violence, belittling behaviour, financial meanness, neglect of children etc etc. Infidelity is wrong. It is not, however, cruelty in the same sense of the word.

Of course, it is your prerogative to feel that I am wrong and that would be absolutely fair enough. That is kind of what these threads are about. The OP asks for advice, gets various perspectives and then makes up her own mind.

Her DH could have been at home enjoying time with his wife and 2 small children. But no, he views his needs as paramount so has to fuck prostitutes with his free time.

He lies (by omission) very easily. Has exposed his wife (and possibly STOL breastfeeding child) to a host of STIs. How his behaviour not cruel.

Purple was still having sex with her DH but not to his standards. Instead of waiting with kindness and patience for the old sex life to return he has been sneaking around fucking prostitutes.

the other thing larry does is never actually go when he says he's going

he stays around to tell us all how wrong we are, and how we are just a bit "mixed up" about what actually constitutes "cruelty" and what is/isn't acceptable male behaviour

"Infidelity is wrong. It is not, however, cruelty in the same sense of the word".

Yes, it is, both wrong and devastatingly cruel , Jesus you just haven't got a clue.

It is perhaps worth pointing out that sex workers who specialise in fetish/domination are the ones most likely to be doing it from choice. Some women who work in this area consider themselves therapists of a kind, they are not helpless drug addicts who hate themselves. They are also likely to take good care of their sexual health.

The impression I get from the OP is that this is the kind of sex worker her H has visited rather than picking someone up in the street (the most risky in terms of disease and also in moral terms; street-based sex workers are the most desperate and vulnerable). So it may be possible to salvage the marriage on the grounds that his actions were not about exploiting an unwilling woman, that his thought process might have been more a matter of wanting not to pressure his wife and choosing, instead, to seek out a professional to provide him with a professional service.

Larry - the hypocrite comment was about your comment re posting about anonymous situations whilst doing the same yourself!

There are other sorts of cruelty, emotional etc although I would personally hold with the view that this could constitute cruelty of the financial / belittling behaviour variety.

It's all down to personal perception really though. We don't know enough to judge.

Some of the responses on here are just

The OP will not be responsible for the break up of her marriage, even if she chooses to end it. He is. He has risked his marriage, a risk he was willing to take, so he will have to accept the consequences.

On a side note it sounds like some posters on here have read advanced copies of the 'contented mothers' guide ffs.

The OP has two young children, is BF (including a feed during the night) and does have sex with her husband. Anyone who believes that having children should have no impact on all parts of their life is blinkered.

OP I hope you are OK, have managed some sleep and have some thoughts on how to move forward. You are NOT responsible.

Would we tell a woman whose OH has hit her, she is at fault for his actions? No. So why is it acceptable to tell a woman whose husband paid a prostitute that it is her fault?

But this wasn't the case where her DH mooted the idea of visiting the prostitue and the op agreed that it was a good idea. He unilaterally booked a prostitute. Purple only found out by accident.

I would feel hurt and insulted. The possible exploitation of a prostitute wouldn't have much bearings on my feelings.

And, and, and he could have used the money he used on prostitutes into having their bedroom professionally soundproofed. Because visiting a dominatrix ain't cheap.

Who the hell hastold her it is her fault?

Have I missed something?

Yes - money he could have spent on a babysitter/ hotel room to enjoy some time with his wife! She obviously hasn't totally lost her sex drive. They are still having sex. The only difference is that she has accepted that life changes after having children and that their wellbeing comes before a noisy sex life - and he has not.

If he knows his wife and knows that this would hurt her, then he has betrayed her.

Not having read all of the thread, but enough for me to realise there is a massive amount of outrage & misconception of the sex industry on this thread.

Several of you are obviously coming from the over thought, not real clue feminist angle & speaking as someone who DOES have pretty close experience of this industry - not me personally, but through my work I have known many girls & several guys well enough not to prejudge, go off in my own little, I'm a self righteous, all knowing, always right feminist fart & but to actually ASK those involved how it really is & from that I can say for a large part, especially with the properly organised "Brothels" & high end Prostitutes, I have never met one who is there because they felt out of control or forced by those evil things we call Men

These women were VERY empowered & could no doubt give several of you a run for your money in REAL life - they do it because they love sex & as such its a bloody good living -

Also one of my oldest & dearest friends used regularly nip off to Amsterdam to work she again was a bit of a nympho, often dishing out in her word "the charity shag" to guys we knew who didn't have a lot of luck with women - trust me she is no wilting, controlled abused poor little woman, she just knows what she wants, loves sex & therefore it was for her the natural choice of work - she could earn enough in a few weeks to set her up for months too - NONE of these women were doing it for any other reason, than because THEY chose to.

I also have another friend who back in the day was a very beautiful high class hooker, she used to earn thousands for one weekend & was regularly flown around the world at clients expense, yet often her role was not full on sex, something she found quite odd & was disappointed with - she always had some great stories to tell though

also the industry is VERY strictly regulated - & as such the gils are regularly tested for STDs - so probably actually LESS of a risk than picking up some stranger in a bar

Of course there are the streetwalker junkies & the poor 3rd world women who find themselves working unwillingly in substandard brothels under nasty violent & controlling pimps, but that is a whole different ball game & as such you just cannot judge a whole industry on what you see on TV or in the papers & a section of it - MANY women are in it because it suits them & they want to be there?.

I personally don't see any problem with single guys using these services, if they can afford it & thats what they choose to do - married either IF their wives/partners KNOW what they are doing & happily approve

What is wrong here is the deception & subterfuge involved in partaking, thats not something that paints a picture of a "Good man" & having been in a relationship in the past with a guy that did exactly this, yet on the surface was an all round good guy - yet was actually a very sad individual where nothing I knew him to be was actually the truth.

larry Have you ever been in the op's situation? I suspect not. Id say paying to ave sex with a stranger whilst being married to someone who is still feeding your child is in fact cruelty yes indeed.

Its cruel is it not to make someone you are supposed to love and respect doubt themselves,to the extent that they blame their lack of bedroom acrobatics on their dh paying for sex?

Its cruel is it not to lie to someone whom you share your life with?

Its cruel is it not to cause your small children to be parented by someone feeling so shit that they cant do so to the best of their ability?

I have to disagree. Look no sad or angry smilies either.

a close friend of mine used to be a prostitute and dominatrix and is about as far removed from vulnerable and exploited as you could find. She was always wildly promiscuous anyway, and absolutely LOVED it. She said that her and the other girls that worked in the brothel were pretty much laughing all the way to the bank. She especially loved it when couples would book her together

"These women were VERY empowered & could no doubt give several of you a run for your money in REAL life - they do it because they love sex & as such its a bloody good living - "

I don't want to rise to it but...they are kidding themselves if they think they are empowered when performing sex acts for money - he is paying, he will get what he wants, she will have to do it, to men who have BO, STIs, bad breath, beer bellies, men who take more than she is willing to give, who have friends who join in...

Yes it's the oldest profession, yes it will probably always exist, but don't dress it up as something it isn't.

We'll have to agree to disagree then little but your reply does show a lot of ignorance & therefore suggest no real experience of what you have based your opinions on