Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

The issue for me if DH paid a w

Totally agree with AnyFucker about Noise Management.

It is very, very unlikely that this is the first time he he has used a prostitute.
Are you still breastfeeding? If so he has put you and your DCs at massive risks. You need to get yourself checked for STDs immediately.

I wouldn't be able to continue a marriage with a man like that. He has used family income and time to have sex with prostitutes.

The issue for me if DH paid a woman for sex would not be "infidelity".

Infidelity is having a human relationship with another person.

Whether I could forgive that I can't say.

But if I found out he was the kind of person to abuse another person in this way our relationship would be over.

Sleeping with prostitutes involves so little interest in a woman's consent that it is barely a step up from being a rapist.

I would also want to keep my children away from someone with such a warped attitude to other people.

Men who use prostitutes are anti-social scum.

This is not about infidelity, it's about a bad man doing deeply unpleasant things.

Not to mention his casual disregard for the OP and baby's health.

He could have given his own child a death sentence.

The sooner they criminalise these vile fuckers the better.

Get rid - the Guy obviously has absolutely NO respect for either you or his marriage vows

Without wanting to alarm you, I too would suspect what you have discovered is just the tip of the iceberg, any man that can be THAT devious isn't as good a catch in other ways as you presume?.

IME men who think this sort of behaviour is okay, whilst supposed in a loving relationship are capable of anything, whilst playing the game to look like mr perfect?. they are not, just more devious than the kind of man you really deserve

I feel for you, I don't doubt you are in shock & its going to be a tough journey, especially with little ones & a Mother who would enjoy the drama - been there done that (thankfully without kids) - but you will be far better off without this devious, untrustworthy, no respect to the commitment he made or to you, scumbag

Larry - did you really compare a woman hiring a cleaner with a man visiting a prostitute?

Crackfox,

It was actually a man hiring a cleaner. But only in one very specific sense. You need to take things in context.

Larry (again)

Are you seriously trying to equate using a prostitute with employing a cleaner?

I've scrubbed toilets for minimum wage. The worst thing I had to deal with was getting the smell of shit out of my wedding ring. If I was a sex worker then I'd face potential infection with HIV, Hep B, HPV, Syphilis, Gonorrhoea and Chlamydia on a daily basis. I'd be at risk of being raped, beaten up, robbed or even murdered. These would be routine job hazards for me. I'd find the job so vile and demeaning that I'd probably have a serious drink or drugs habit in order to deal with the horror of it.

Belle du Jour and all her ilk are utter bollocks. I don't believe her Story of a Happy Hooker shtick for a minute. Assuming,in a quantum universe, where all things are possible, the vanishingly remote possibility that it is true, then rest assured; it's not like that for the rest of the working girls.

Given the choice, I'll stick to scrubbing out the bogs for £6 an hour, thanks.

Right.

So doing a bit of dusting and pushing a Hoover around is comparable with bring exposed to STDs and sexual violence.

Really?? Having sex with prostitutes, sex is just sex? I cannot believe people actually say and advocate that! He is disrespecting his wife and his child.

It is not just about sex, it's about disease, lying to her, spending their money on sex with strangers, putting himself at risk, his wife with sexually transmitted diseases etc. he is devious. He planned it!! Now if you think sex is just sex, please tell me how you could forgive and move on with the rest? Trust has not just been broken here, it has been utterly destroyed.

OP please seek help in real life. You will get mixed replies on here because there is a broad range of women. Even if you H looks and seems perfect to everyone else, this is NOT your fault and it is not you who should feel ashamed by his actions. You do not have to stay with him to keep up appearances. Do what YOU feel is right, whether that is counselling or otherwise. Goodkuck.

This is really tricky. On the one hand I can see how some would find it totally unforgiveable, to use a woman for kicks and that for them would be a dealbreaker. I sympathise with the view that he is part of a whole women hating industry and see it as an extension of the porn industry which through casual exposure dehumanises the viewer.

However, he probably viewed this as a neat decision in which 'nobody gets hurt' and he could have his sexual 'needs' met. He is selfish at best.
The problem for me would be that forever after you will feel pressured into meeting these needs if you choose to stay. The minute that you are ill, or sex is a bit tame, you will be worried as to what he will do next. You will also have an underlining need to keep tabs on his activities, which for me would prove exhausting and corrosive.

It is not your responsiblity to meet his sexual needs and I think you need to adjust your mindset. It is not a job to be done to a certain standard or there will be repercussions. I personally would take the view that this action would forever colour my relationship. It would be full of doubt and mistrust. For me I wouldn't want to live under such a cloud.

Some people are able to compartmentalise sex and depersonalise it and so would view this as stratching an itch. I know I could cope with the idea of sexual infidelity on a physical level but not with the repercussions regarding trust -so not emotionally in my relationship.

As to whether your relationship is perfect otherwise, I think you need to do some real soul searching. Marriage counselling would be wise to unravel this. I would also stop having sex until you are both given a clean bill of health and you are absolutely sure the marriage is worth continuing with.

Best wishes.

wow some of these comments are an eye-opener.

He is fucking some poor girl who is probably addicted to drugs, heavily in debt or has been abused herself.

It ain't some Happy Hooker fantasy.

Crack and VLG,

Completely derailiing and no use to OP.

I used a very specific context that when you hire a cleaner through an agency, you have no idea what she has paid or whether she is working voluntarily (especially if she is from overseas, probably without a legal right to reside here). If one's main concern is the "exploited" women, a woman maybe working for £2.00/hour and maybe being forced to do so by a controlling man should be a concern. However, the reality is that it is not to most of us. The reason I used to the example was to separate the political and the general from the specific and personal. I do not buy into the "happy hooker" myth but I do believe that a reasonable proportion of prostitutes are self employed or work in partnership with their pimp and are not exploited. None of us have any idea whether the specific prostitute used by the OP's husband was exploited or not.

To reiterate, the issue for the OP is, IMO, infidelity and whether she chooses to try to get through it or it is a deal breaker. That is up to her to decide and there is no wrong or right answer. All infidelity also carries health risks, infidelity with a prostitute not necessarily any more than with a pick up in a bar.

I have posted supportively several times and have no wish to get stuck in a silly bunfight about the moral wrongs of prostitution. So, that's it from me. The OP can read and decide for herself.

Sorry but FGS - buying a woman for sex isn't the same as hiring a cleaner through an agency. Cleaning is not the same; it is not a health issue, it is not psychologically damaging, it is not part of an industry which funds drugs and child trafficking, civil war and weapons.

Of course it is up to Op how she decides to proceed, but I don't think it's right to minimise what using a prostitute means.

I would add, to be perfectly honest, I would view my partner as a total grub after this and would be repulsed by him. So my relationship would be over.

But that is just me and I accept others have different boundaries.

Actually larry you are the one who is rerailing by droning on about cleaners. Where in your average marriage vow do you swear to never use a cleaner?

He has probably been using prostitute for years. Men who use prostitutes don't actually like to have to think about emotions during sex because it is all about their pleasure. No need to worry about her orgasm, thoughts or needs. Just fuck and pay. It in incredibly unlikely that he has just started to see women as a receptacle for his semen.

She should divorce him but in the meantime do not have sex with him again. He coukd have any STD Imaginable.

yes because your self confidence would be amazing for staying with a man who used a hooker and it would be so easy to move on in life right?

and you wouldnt have to worry at all if he was going to do it again or not behind your back because it was only once and there was no feelings involved.

right??

no.

Um, because a marriage is a contract of love and faithfulness? And he erm, isn't faithful. He is a liar. He has tainted the whole relationship. How is op supposed to believe that he loves and cherishes her when he is prepared to lose her and their life together for a sordid twenty minutes with a prostituted woman?

We don't know his views or level of understanding as to the industry.

We don't know if this was his first visit or one of a series.

We don't know about the service he sought. He may have sought a dominatrix for example.

We don't know that he had no interest in the prostitute's pleasure-there are plenty of stories from prostitutes that contradict this rather delusional perspective.

We don't know if this was an exploited person or a wiling participant in this industry.

We don't know how the OP feels about fidelity.

Too many assumptions.

Umm when I hired a cleaner through an agency I knew exactly how much she was paid, and that she hadn't been imported for a life as a domestic slave. I even talked to her, and quite normal conversations too, and even made her cups of tea.

And your relationship is a "fairy tale" if your husband doesn't sleep with prostituted woman? I would call that normal and having standards for your relationships. Or maybe I should be endlessly grateful for the fact that my husband is obviously a king among men as he doesn't do this and berate the OP for marrying such a man, who couldn't possibly have misrepresented himself to her. Evidently she must take responsibility for this...

Some people are unreal. OP this isn't normal and it isn't your fault. I'm outraged on your behalf.

If OP didn't mind, I doubt she'd be posting here.

How are you OP?

Try and find someone in RL to talk to.

It would be a deal breaker for me, don't get derailed by the affair v prostitute, happy hooker or trafficked woman arguments, the fact is he's put his own needs massively ahead of yours and your DCs.

for those who haven't seen it before, good ole larry is oft to be seen on these threads minimising the impact of the sex industry on women

he has a real problem with women who say that some male behaviours are actual dealbreakers

in fact, these days I am quite surprised to not see him sticking up for the rights of men to pursue their orgasm no matter how much it destroys their families on threads such as these

so, here he is again, true to form

OP , how are you feeling today ? This must be devastating for you. You didn't think you had married a man capable of such lowdown behaviour and that is a lot to accept. x