Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Well the worm of hope has been faintly kept alive by me...because, for some obscure reason I think I ought to??WHY??
Fortunately for me the NSDH keeps offering tiny morsels to keep this tiny worm alive but then stomps all over it with some truly shocking behaviour...so I'm pretty much sorted now.

I think my main sadness now (amongst many more pressing problems...especially what to do about DCs who are having only indirect contact, skype/phone) is the regret that I have wasted myself on this half man, and will now be too scared and too fully occupied with our DCs to entertain the hope of actually finding outwhat a good relationship might be like.

but there is more to life than just this sort of love.

No Fool, you will be free to love again.

I can see what alot of people have said about the action needs to back up the words... My mum has suggested I try counselling too? My head might get more clear and I might get stronger... I have to give it time to work don't I? For him I meen... He has already emailed a woman about counselling and I've told him I'm still going to my parents alone.

i think you would benefit from counselling on your own Wrenner.

I would avoid couples counselling.

acknowledgment - I got this idea from mention here of a Lundy Bancroft thread which led to me getting this idea from another old thread.

There are many brilliant books recommended at the opening of this thread.

I'm wondering if anyone has ideas for fiction books which give insight into abusive relationships, that can be left around the house which it won't matter if dcs, (or if still in a relationship, partners), see them.

And that could be passed to friends who you think are in abusive relationships. I know you can't make people see they are being abused. Yet a book that might give insight can't do any harm?

A fiction book which I read over 20 years ago, and remembering it (by a sort of trigger) years later, helped me be strong in a very difficult controling HH situation. I wish I could remember the title.

re the book I can't remember the title of, if I put what I remember of the plot, would anyone let me know if they recognise it and what the title or author is? Or perhaps I should open a thread in books. I know it's a long shot that anyone would remember, but it has been known to happen in rl (that by someone asking whether anyone remembers the title of a book, someone has).

How are you'll today?
I feel really low. He has gone out now.

I want to run away today. I can't, I need to gather stuff together. I am dreading the time he has off, the week after next.

Now I am documenting it, I can really really see just how constant it is.

Sweep have you got any RL support that would help youget sorted to get away quicker?

Detach put the plot, I'll have a look anyhoo.

Oh Sweep, I remember that feeling of dread. Remember you are working towards getting away from that. That thought gave me comfort before I got out. And I second Parsley's post about rl help.

Parsley, Thanks , be back soon, I only get a few seconds at a time inbetween demands of Dcs, (I love them of course, but, you probably know how it is).

My sister is a great support but can't speak to her today as the kids have no idea.
Will call wa again tomorrow. I need to clarify that I can go to refuge when I need to and explain why I need to stay for a bit and that physically I'm in no danger.

This week I will be sorting documents.

I will have to be careful cos in the week he is off he wants to sort out the kids bank accounts.

Big House I got warned about this too: when you leave, their hidden and denied dependency will hit them slap in the face.

Pink thanks for your support over my comment that IC let me down: "Some cousellors just do not understand abuse. They just don't. Also I suspect they are fair-minded people, which can throw them off, but you know, with abuse it really isn't six of one, half a dozen of the other."

It really isn't. How do you explain the thousands of painful micro-interactions that go into making up the fuckin PARADISE that we, with our tempers etc, bring upon ourselves??

1. I made dinner last night. Old arrangement, he would wash up and tidy the kitchen [he isn't all bad]. But this has fallen though, because despite the shock horror and hurt of having OW fucked in my own house, in my own bed, I am hurting him with my refusal to forgive and get over without it being fully discussed so I can. That would mean things were on my terms.
2. This morning I started finishing the washing up. He came in, calm, said thanks for finishing for me, walked out.

all calm so far. [PS I am happy to w up because of two things: in the past, I WAS passive aggressive over this, and 2. my 'me' work just doesn't make this a conflict any more']

Then he sees me washing up glasses. 'Those have ALREADY been done. That's WHY they are on the tea towel'.

Instant twat mode, ongoing sulks. I failed to notice, silly me, made a remark and got put down. But the root? The glasses.

Don't the IC's know about this polite, non-violent nasty shit? Where are the self-calming strategies to help you get over this sort of stuff? Whilst I wait for my kids exams....

That's good about women's aid sweep

Parsley, thanks, here is the bits of plot as I can remember:-

Young woman has just graduated and gets married.

Short of money and the husband is selfish. E.g. one day she is at work, no food all day as no money. When she gets home her husband is at home eating lovely tea including cake, I think with one dc1. He has got some money from somewhere. (she knew he was going to get the money, I think, and was waiting all day at work for it.)

He never thought to bring her any food to her at work, even though it was near enough, and he knew she had no money and no food and had to work as well.

She begins to feel a little bit angry.

She often has to take the baby to work and leave said baby in pram on pavement outside, I think, even when husband is at home. (Don't think he works)

To backtrack a bit (I think) When she is pregnant with second baby, husband pressures her to get an abortion. She doesn't want to do that, but goes to a doctor to explain why abortion is needed, but lets out that it is the husband that wants her to abort, and she doesn't. Doctor is horrified and offers to attend birth for free. (must have been before national health.)

Husband appears to be workshy and financially abusive.

They seperate somehow, but she is homeless. One night she has to sleep outside with her little boy and the baby girl. In the morning, the little baby has died.

Eventually she gets a job as a housekeeper, where shae can have her little boy with her, and it gives her a home as well as a job.

Not sure of actual ending.

On the back cover it says, "we don't feel (something), only concern".

or anyone else, do you remember that book and title of it?

Ringing no bells, Detach, perhaps you can cut and paste the above, and put it in books, like you said. Soz.

Abitwobbly I too need something to help me with nasty non violent stuff from his lordship the great unhonourable nastyness personified (he is exh).

I think some posters have said, detach.

I sort of did this sometimes in marriage, but was so hard to deal with each incident, often ended up getting angry and shouting, so look like the unreasonable one.

After leaving this still happens sometimes (nasty stuff that's hard to explain), but not so grinding all the time.

We need tactics to deal with it.

Thanks parsley, I'll try to do that

Detach, thanks, but what are the actual mechanics of it?

You know, 1. the time it takes to RECOGNISE that you are in another micr-moment, that he really is being hostile, 2. what you say to yourself to KNOW that this isn't you, 3. what SELF-SOOTHING thing you can say to yourself to comfort/not let the bad vibes get their nasty little hooks under your skin so it all washes off.

Does anyone have the answer?

Abitwobbly, one self calming strategy suggested to me by some sort of proffessional, or read in a book is, :-

Think to yourself, "there he goes again". Then try to detach from it all.

Also, advice given to me was treat him like a toddler, ignore bad behaviour, if you get mad you are rewarding his behaviour, reinforcing it. He wants you to get mad so you look like a madwoman.

Easier said than done, I know.

So often, if they made/make a remark or complaint, whatever you say is wrong, even, "sorry".

detach was he an artist cock-lodger? And she has an affair with another artist? Set in the 20's? if so it's called Our Spoons Came from Woolworths, and I only came across it a couple of months back.

pink, I can't remember if she had an affair with another artist or not, but it was before the national health so could have been 1920s and he could have been an artist and definately sponged off her, so worth looking into, could be the one, thank you

Tis based on the author's own life - except in RL the baby didn't die :) - if it's the one. It starts with them getting married in spite of his parents. they are both artists, but she's the only one who will get a job, I was shouting in my head 'get a job, prick', wish I had been able to shout this at ex.

Self calming strategies... you need to associate something with inner calm..so start it when you are in a calm place.

I used a very smooth stone that I picked up on the beach. IN time of stress I would put the cool stone into the palm of my hand (it was small) and concentrate on the feeling of smooth coolness compared with my feelings of anger, powerlessness etc. Health warning: Only use a stone if you are sure you won't hurl it with force at the OH!!

I am tactile person, if smells are more your thing then use a hanky/tissue with lavender oil/rosemary etc. If aural then a mantra like "this too will pass"...you get the gist.

It helped me...but infuriated NSDH as he saw I detached and he was out of power...careful can escalate behaviour...or he will just go and sulk

Looked it up pink. Don't remember the affair (but it was a long time ago), or particularly happy ending, but everything else fits. i.e what you've said so far plus the innocence/niavety (sp?) of the character and the narrating, the descriptions of hospitals and childbirth, he won't get a job...

I've ordered it from the library, and if it is the one, which I think it is,
I'll get my own copy to keep and naughtily underline my favourite bits. If it's not the exact book, it doesn't matter as it looks a good book anyway.

Wow, Thank You pink, I've quite often wondered about it over the years so great you recognise it.

Well done Pink

Oh I do that, shout in my head at books, and films, tv etc. Sometimes I quietly shout it out loud.

Tis therapeutic.