Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

EW, I'm not sure what to say except it's very difficult to explain to others in rl the reasons as the abuse can be so subtle that even we wonder if we are making a fuss about nothing.

But on here women are atuned to subtleties and also everything added together makes a big picture.

When I went for divorce I worried that they would say, you do not have good enough reasons to get a divorce, but when I went and said shall I include such and such, they said, they thought there was more than enough already!

First draft.

"Hello scary headmaster, It's good of you to want to to take the DCs on holiday, however, due to the lack of enough seatbelts I will not let them go. I have also said stated before that I will need your new address before they have overnights with you again."

that's rubbish isn't it

A1b2 its not rubbish its clear and to the point. I am starting to learn that this is the only way they can be communicated with.

(Plus, sorry Snoop I always get my strikethrough mixed up with putting things in bold. Go go go!)

"it is good of you to want to take the DCs on holiday, however, I respectfully inform you that due to the safety issue of not enough seat belts in the camper van, I must say, on this occasion, I will not let them go with you on this holiday. May I also respectfully remind you I have stated that until you confirm the address where you are staying, I will not let you have the DCs for overnights."

worse? needs to be shorter

x posts evac, yes I have learned the only thing is to just state things as briefly as possible.

I'm worried about incurring his wrath (and schemes to make life difficult) by looking like i'm "telling him what to do" and saying things in a horrible way

Thanks evac, clear is what I want it to be. I'm not going to let myself feel rushed, but could just send the first draft this evening.

looks fine to me... he's not going to like it however it's worded. Short, and clear. Very good have a gold star.

If the seat belts are the problem what if he fixed it...would you be happy then??????or is it the other issue??

If he fixed it, I would still be unhappy because of the other issue!!!

a1b2 could you maybe word it as a positive not a negative to seem more helpful? Put the onus on him to sort it out so they can have their fun time with him?

"The DC are looking forward to their holiday with you. I have concerns about the safety issue regarding seatbelts in the camper van and would appreciate your reassurance that you have addressed this and there will be proper provision. Until then I will be unable to allow them to go. Likewise I am glad you want to have the DC for overnight visits but until you supply an address I will be unable to give permission."

that's much more positive littlehouse, and makes it looks like I am assuming he is going to be sensible about safety.

So what you are actually worried about is his lack of care and attention. Even if there were lots of seatbelts you basically don't trust him with them. They do need a relationship with their dad though. How could you allow that?

Well little, they already see him roughly once a week in the daytime.

They used to have overnights until he moved, declaring I had made him homeless, saying they can no longer have overnights and that is my fault for being greedy (re money).

When they had the overnights, I was concerned but also wanted them to have a relationship (and welcomed the break). I hoped that one of the older two could go and get him out of bed in the morning if any problems with the 5 year old. Then one day I found out he had left them alone in the house to go to fetch someone. (not sure of length of time though).

I'm not the sort to think dcs should be constantly supervised and molecoddled, I let them walk alone to places from about 8 years old, for example.

Think your first draft without the hello is short and to the point. Am not in favour of including the word 'respectfully'.

Your worry about the camper van is far from trivial. Is it one those large boxy things? The wind can catch them, and inexperienced drivers of these things can lose control. A good friend knows this to his cost

Thank you pink, yes respectfully looks sarcastic maybe.

I like the more positive one (littlehouse 12.54) because that's what I was trying to achieve with the respectfully.

Although concerned I don't want it getting too long.

(and solicitor said I would have to see proof of the seat belts).

So that makes me lean to the first one again.

Gosh pink, so even with seat belts it's dodgy, not been "allowed" to see it but seen photo and looks quite big.

They used to have overnights until he moved, declaring I had made him homeless, saying they can no longer have overnights and that is my fault for being greedy (re money).

Isn't that a typical muddle of abusive manipulative nonsense?
He blames you for being greedy for wanting him to support his own DC, claims that makes him unable to afford accommodation, and punishes the DC as a result so they resent you for it.

Presumably you have an agreement that is based on usual proportion (25%?) of net income and number of DC? Does he have enough to live on? Is there any justice in this claim or is he being a whiny entitled git?

Does he know leaving under 12s at home alone is against the law? A Child Protection issue? I expect you have already told him this.

This man is a nightmare to deal with because he does not think normal considerations apply to him. I think in your shoes I would be sending a strongly worded letter laying down that you will only agree to access visits if he complies with the law. That is being a responsible parent and gives you comeback if he ignores you again.

Just had a quick look at the NSPCC website and there is a useful bit on leaving children home alone. Interestingly it isn't against the law but depends on the age of the child, how long etc etc.

It was 30 years and more ago, before seat belts, a1b2 or they may have been mandatory in the front, not sure.

Sitting in the front with an adult's arm around you would do nothing to protect DC from flying through the windscreen in the event of a crash.

"it is good of you to want to take the DCs on holiday, however, due to the safety issue of not enough seat belts in the camper van, I will not let them go with you on this holiday. Also, until you confirm the address where you are staying, I will not let you have the DCs for overnights."

How about this? I have taken out the 'hedges' and 'linguistic politeness' (technical terms from my MA in linguistics) from your 2nd draft.

i did ask my psychotherapist if he thought exh would have enough left to live on, looking at figures, and he said he should have enough.

it is good of you to want to take the DCs on holiday, however, due to the serious legal and safety issue of insufficient seat belts in the camper van, I will not be allowing them to go with you on this holiday.

When you have remedied this situation and provided proper proof to my solicitor, I will reconsider my decision.

May I also remind you that I am still waiting for you to inform me of the address where you are staying, and until I receive it, I will not allow the DCs to stay for overnight visits."

State ALL the info, be direct, strong and mean business.

That reminds me, we used to have a little van (not a camper). I didn't realise XH was using it to tote the DCs about in (we had the choice of several knackered old vehicles) until one day they told me that earlier that day the back door had flown open and DS3 had fallen out the back into the road! Fortunately the traffic wasn't all that thick or fast and he jumped up and ran after the van, with his brothers yelling at their dad to stop - he hadn't noticed . I think DS3 was around 6 or 7. Fortunately he was a tough little guy. He was in and out of Casualty like a yo-yo during his childhood with various knocks and bumps, nearly all of which happened when I was out at work.

Bloody miracle they all survived really. And of course I was determined to believe their dad was perfectly capable of looking after them, better than I was, really. I had to believe it. The alternative was... well, there was no alternative.