Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Today I found another little crusher for any hope for my NSDH.....apparently he has been spreading the word around that he is seriously depressed due to the strain of supporting our family financially for the last 10 years since i had DD1 as I "refused to go back to work"......

I didn't "go back to work"...i set up new work from home to enable him to get on with his erratic, privileged "artistic" lifestyle, I have never not worked and have sorted us out financially always......!!!!!!!! And had all the other DCs.......

of course he can't actually say this to anyone who actually knows us round here...this is the version of the story specifically and only for his "artistic" friends on the international circuit.......

Hope he can keep up with all the different versions of truth that he is spinning.......could get mighty complex!! folds arms and waits expectantly for the flames as he crashes and burns...feeling feisty tonight!

Fool I have had something vaguely similar...I remember fwit saying years ago that he 'brought home the bacon' and I pointed out to him that actually I brought in more than him, if you took into account my equity in the property. He also likes to make out it was terrible being with me. I think this is in part why his family have sent me to Social Siberia. We can't control the lies they spread unfortunately, but these people must have shallow perception...

Finding, Parsley and others struggling with peripheral family members.

We are IN this shit for a reason.... Usually our PARENTS. There, I said it.

We have been raised to think, somehow, that we are not worth the love of a decent, kind and loving man. That we are chasing rainbows and that we need to lower our sights somewhat and stick to what we are worth.

Our families, and the families of our abusers have VESTED INTERESTS in keeping US under the control of our abusers. if we were out and free, we would be competition for siblings that have risen above us. We'd be happier than our mothers who have had a hard life themselves, we'd be showing up a MIL/PIL who have raised a woman beater as a son... the list goes on.

We need to VERY quickly see who is on our team and who is not. Those we would keep in the event of a Zombie apocalypse and those we would keep, but only for BAIT.

In the pursuit of their own satisfaction, WE are merely collateral damage. ANYONE who gets in the way of their glory is collateral damage. Including our DC.

Take no prisoners people, unless you are intending to use them as Zombie bait.

Houdini....rofl at the idea of MIL as Zombie Bait...think I like it.

Makes me think though. The Final Straw for us was a holiday away with MIL. She ignored dd, who is her only grandchild, and MIL and Fwit dh sucked up to each other like she was the other woman. Very dysfunctional. Made me think about it when you said about the dc...

Finding: Gosh your post resonates with me completely. I also left three months ago. I find myself analysing ALL the time. XH is very depressed, taking all manner of sleeping tables and tranquilisers. His friends say that they think he is suicidal. But I am so FINE about it all. It is so nice to NOT be with him. Whenever I see him he is trying to be nice but his anger is still there, underneath. I know he is a bastard because he hates himself but sometimes that makes me feel bad too - he hates himself AND his wife has walked out!

Also like yours, mine does things and I'm not sure if it's malicious or just mistakes. I know he's hidden money but I think - fuck it, I can't fight this battle. Also he keeps breaking things of mine, and I don't know if that's malicious or just mistakes. I doubt myself constantly.

Sometimes I look at the list of things he's done and I wonder if in fact it's ME who's crazy and imagining things, or seeing things in a bad light.

There was someone else that triggered all of this (didn't have any sort of relationship before I left, but now we are dating). He is just a nice person. I was talking recently about XH and how he would have been nicer if he knew that I was going to leave. Nice Man basically said "WTF? You shouldn't be NICE so that someone stays. You should be NICE because you are a decent human being. You should definitely be NICE if you claim that you LOVE someone!"

I know it's true, intellectually, but it is so hard to accept sometimes, and I feel awful about the suffering that XH is going through. And I feel bad that I walked out without him another chance to 'be nice'.

I don't know how long the constant analysing goes on for... any ideas anyone?!

Lots of love to you, findingmysong.

finding - i think your ex, my ex or any abuser can't genuinely love anyone because they are broken. They do choose to stay this way and accept no responsibility of change or the work it takes.
To hell with the world and relatives - what matters is you and your dc - and the choice you made 3 months ago to give all of you a better future...now all you have to do is make it happen :)

fool & parsley - is it like projecting with your ex's - an inadequate, misogynistic abuser would feel providing financially as his role. If he's not able to do this this is a vulnerability of his - so would have to tell people the opposite to hide the 'reality'.

Houdini - It's like they're all trying to hide their dirty little secret, I think my ex is less likely to take me to court to gain unsupervised access.

big house - hi, well done :) Don't feel bad and you are not crazy. You walked out on an unhappy future which your XH did nothing to change when it mattered...he's just wallowing now that things didn't go his way.

Analysing was good for me - the more space you have, the clearer you see things. Safe outside opinions are good too for perspective - and you will gain confidence and self-belief... all of what he took away from you with his denial.

Give yourself time and space and be gentle on yourself
Best wishes xx

bighouse I also have a close male friend who is often appalled by what dh says and does but he also gets frustrated with me because I laugh it off. And he gets annoyed when I say "all men do this or that" because he says exactly what yours does, if you love someone you don't say/do things that make them sad. In fact you try very hard to do the opposite.

Hello everyone. I've posted two or three times or so but would like to officially ask to join in and introduce myself. I 'escaped' with the dcs a few years ago now.

A Happy Mother's Day to all of us. and yes it is probably the only day of the year that it is about us!

Welcome a1b2 (did you have a hard time finding a nickname, with the ones you wanted being taken?)

DS brought me flowers and splelt bread on Weds when he dropped in, and a card which I have just opened, with a kitten on it :)

Right, here goes.
Firstly, happy mothers day to all.
I've been lurking a few days trying to make sense of things. I'm in what I think is an emotionally abusive relationship. My DH? H? is very difficult. He hasn't worked for years now. I have quite a demanding job and I usually do pretty much everything around the house too. He is constantly complaining about everything. He wants everything his way. On the rare occasions he goes to the supermarket, he just gets a couple of things he wants, never anything useful. He never cooks.
I could probably put up with all of it if he wasn't so negative and angry all the time. He's always "busy" and if I ask him to help in any way then I'm just selfish. He's controlling about everything, e.g. hissy fits about not liking a new dress I loved how dare I get it/show it to him as I knew he wouldn't like it apparently, stuff I'd prefer not to write about sex. He's lovely in front of other people. In fact people often say they wish they could have a relationship like ours. If only they knew. He's really aggressive when he drives and takes inappropriate risks with our baby and tells me to chill out. Sometime this is really scary.
Sometimes I think I'm just being precious. My father was a total monster. Abusive, compulsive liar, womaniser, child abuser, thief but charmer etc. I think, from reading the links at the start of the thread that he was a narcissist (sp?) and my husband is not that bad so I just feel so confused. I've just been given a big card and 2 beautiful bunches of flowers but they just don't make up for all the horrible behaviour.
Sorry I've written so much. Sorry if I sound like I'm being petty.

Trust me, you are not being precious! Your h may be less bad than your f, but both are/were v v bad.

Am I right in thinking you are a1b1 with a namechange?

Actually no, am a total newbie. It's only recently that I've begun to think maybe it's not me and that I can't fix it. A few months ago I started sticking up for myself from time to time, saying I didn't like the way he spoke to me and he said how was he supposed to know about all these awful things he'd said if I didn't tell him at the time. I tried to and he'd get really angry and be unkind and then I started to realise things weren't going to change and stated lurking on the relationships board last month, but didn't look at this thread until a few days ago as I didn't feel it applied to me. I guess it does if only a bit. :(

Thanks for the welcome thepink. You have guessed right about the reason for my nickname.

It is more than just a bit. You are right in the middle of it, and also have had an abusive father, so it seems more 'normal' to you than it should. That's OK, it takes time to come to a realisation, as all of us here know.

He is emotionally and verbally abusive, and his financial abuse (living off you) has a Special MN Name : Cocklodger.

Have you read any links from the top post?

Fetamore, I agree with Pink; this is way more than a bit, way more.
How are you, by the way, Pink?
Love the rumours Fool . There is another quote (what a f*ing pompous ass I am) from Arnold Wesker's Shylock: 'Think what you will; you will think that in any case'
Which has always reassured me in these cases.

fetemore, I managed to get away, but it took me years to realise what was happening was abuse.

Partly because, like you,

1. he looked good to others (though I found out afterwards others had noticed things and thought they were wrong, you might find the same).

1. He didn't seem too bad compared to how much worse he could have been.

It is good that you are beginning to realise you are in an abusive relationship. (not good you are in one, obviously). All the information on here, links, recommended books and most of all, support from lovely women who understand are brilliant and I wish I had come accross mumsnet when I was in the thick of it as my eyes may have been opened earlier.

This thread in particular seems good because it seems like you can bring things up and get help, without having to start a thread

(and the risks that entails of people going "that's nothing, what are you complaining about", turns into a SAHM, WOHM, people who have children when they are not millionaires themselves before they got married and made a man pay for everything are scroungers and if they leave and need any benefits whether working or not they'll be taking my taxes type debate.)

Have I got that right?

(not my opinion of how threads can go wrong, but that you can bring things up you want help and support with, whereas on another thread it might be seen as highjacking a thread)

Absolutely a1b2 people will always find support, not judgement, here. EA can be hard to understand if you haven't experienced it, hence the way other threads sometimes go.

I never started my own thread, because it would have been too long and strange, although my story can be half-pieced together from all my separate posts. Also felt safer from ex stalking me here (don't think he did stalk tho)

Thank you I've just read some of this and realised what is going on and I am not actually to blame. Now I don't feel so alone x

Hello fetamore and welcome.
You like so many of us are still thinking "he can't be as bad as those really abusive men who hit their partners, he is just going through a difficult time/damaged by his own family/worried about money" and thinking that if you could just be a better wife/try a bit harder/have more sex and argue less then your relationship would be as good as you want it to be.

Eventually the penny drops. Some men behave unkindly because they know no better and some women accept that because they know no better either. Read the Bill of Rights up the top of the links and consider whether you are being treated as well as you should. And if not why not?

Ultimately if your relationship is hurting you and you are not happy then you are allowed to end it. You don't have to justify that or explain it.

Here is a Link to the Bill of Rights as it doesn't seem to be in the list above.

Der a1b2 forgot you'd got out, so couldn't be fetamore, would you like to share a little about The Great Escape?

there's something in the air..so many new faces ...welcome all whether you are still with the NSDH (not so dear husband./partner) or not.