Hi, I've read all this thread, and going to read the other ones too. I've posted a couple of times under different user names and had some really supportive responses. I broke up with NSDH three months ago. He's put a fair amount of pressure on me since, but I've been so lucky I found my way to the freedom programme and the women there have been so supportive and made me see a lot of wht NSDH has been doing as pressure tactics, trying to wear me down, e.g. messing about re finances, leaving a stanley knife (from work) on the side when he comes round, showing up unannounced, one minute being nice then being horrible, 'accidentally' running a too-hot bath for DS (I don't know if this is on purpose or not, but his aggressive incidents other than once years aho when v threatening to me and his road rage were all around/directed at DC e.g. punching/kicking things, throwing things near them/ threatening he felt like hurting DS in graphic way etc.) I feel like it's working a lot of the time TBH and had been considering whether we should try again so as to give DC a non 'broken' home and less stress re finances. It's also pretty tiring with a toddler and preschooler. My family have not been as supportive as I would have hoped, have fallen out with one family member and my Mum seems sympathetic when I've told her some of the details of our relationship, but will then ask have I thought it through/considered reconciliation/wondered if I'm not making a huge mistake depriving DC of their father (he has contact with them at weekend at his family's place and in the week coming round to put them to bed) etc etc.
I found out some proof today that NSDH has been lying teeth re finances, but still finding it hard to accept it could all be deliberate. Have read the Lundy Bancroft book and intellectually it all makes sense, but I just can't believe it, I thought he adored me (that's what he said) and he also has often said I overreact, I talk too much, I think too much/analyse things too much etc.. Still really confused, lonely, exhausted, sometimes angry, sometimes horribly sad. I can almost feel all these weights being piled on me, my confidence at work is on the floor and I humiliated myself at a work event this week which has made me feel even worse. How can it be him and not me? He always said everything was fine unless I was in a mood and there were no issues in the reltionship except the ones I created. I've been with him 11 years, two beautiful DC. He's lovely some of the time and I just had this image of him as so kind etc. He blames stress and just people in general 'shitting on him' and sometimes I feel sorry for him.
Also, 3 year old DD has said some things like Mummy doesn't love me, she is going to go away and has been having nightmares and the lady at the freedom programme thought he'd been telling her stuff, but it just does not fit with my belief he would not say things like that to her. Even though he's lost it in front of the children I always thought if nothing else he is a great father so I tell myself things like she must just have an active imagination, or with the money stuff he must have genuinly forgot how much our mortgage is or the conversations we've had. Or he says I didn't ask him for x or we agreed something different and I'm so tired I struggle to remember. I have started writing things down but not every little thing.
So sorry for the lenght of this, was trying to just post can I join and all that came out. Don't know why I've posted this stream of conscioussness, just needed to get it off my chest and feel like I'm not going to mad.