I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

Just tell the GP you are under too much stress and it is making you depressed, you have run out of coping mechanisms.
Ask for ads, extra help, counselling/ mediation for you and dh

Oh my dear lifehope, your DS's shining happy face shows you are a success.

Depression makes you ruminate, it's a symptom, and no it is not normal to feel as you describe. Let's hope tomorrow is the start of something better, we will all be rooting for you.

I have always prided myself on being rational......am trying to be rational now but it seems to count for nothing. As though my mental processes are indeed blazing a trail but the trail is being picked up and eaten by birds (like Hansel and Gretel) so I don't know how they got me here & no sooner have I learned something than it is forgotten.

try to keep it fairly simple with a goal such as coming out with a referral for counselling, how to get help for ds and antidepressants
GPs only have 10 mins so focus and get some help in that time

Depression affects memory and other cognitive functions, and you are trying to use your cognition to deal with your cognition - it won't work, just let your thoughts float by for the time being, and don't analyse them.

If you possibly can, get a double appointment.

Hallo malheureuse and Pink, yes I will get to see the doctor tomorrow and ask for the help I need. I am desperately scared of being fobbed off again but being specific in what I ask for will help.

I am not sure exactly where DS's extravagant wonderfulness comes from...don't believe it is to my credit but i think he he knows he is dearly loved (by both DH & me) - I have to ensure that none of this hurts him in any way.

Unfortunately, you are making this far more difficult than it needs to be and my concern is that you won't get your problems across to your GP if you rush to be seen tomorrow.

Call in sick in the morning and then call your doctor's surgery, or go there and ask for the earliest possible double appointment - as you can self-certificate you can afford to wait until late next week if necessary before seeing your GP.

In the meantime you can go through this, and some of your other threads, to pull together a diary from which it should be immediately apparent to your doctor that you are not fit to work.

However, if this is too onerous a task please don't let it stress you as all your doctor needs to know is that your mood fluctuates from hopeless to helpless on a daily basis and that, with the exception of your ds's smiling face, you are not able to appreciate the joys of life.

You mentioned that you are on a waiting list for counselling. Is this via a referral by your GP? If not, ask your GP to make a referral for you and also review your current prescription for ads and ask for sleeping tablets if you have not yet been prescribed them.

Regardless of when you next you see your doctor, PLEASE DON'T OMIT to mention that you are "even hearing/seeing/smelling things 'wrong" as it could be that your epilepsy drugs need review.

Lifehope11 - So sorry for all of your troubles; Izzy is giving excellent advice!

Hope that all works out well for you!

Hi there, I went to GP this morning got signed off sick till mid next week (when I have follow up appointment) more meds, neurologist referral etc.

DH seriously stressed out poor thing, says he can't cope with me being like this. The trouble is that he relies on me to stay well so that we can keep everything functioning...if I go under we all go under. So I can't help feeling guilty any more than he can help feeling resentful. This is the worst thing of all...the feeling I am letting my family down.

Tell DH from me that you are doing what you have to do to get well - far from staying well you have been driving yourself further into illness, and now you are doing something about it. There is nothing to feel guilty about in taking steps to address this!

Thanks Pink, I know I need to get better. I have to make changes in my life but need to address my health first before I can think clearly.

I wish I had someone here to talk to....DH is there but so directly affected & so stressed himself, trying to discuss is just increasing the burden. Called Samarians this morning....the person I spoke to was great but of course is not going to tell me what to do with my life.....just a sympathetic sounding board.

I feel very lonely & unhappy right now, as if I have let down everyone dear to me as well as myself.

I second TPPussycat. The simple fact of the matter is that you are currently not fit to work and have been signed off sick so that you can get well and stay well - and staying well should be as much your dh's concern as your own.

Now that the weight has been lifted from your shoulders, try to put all thoughts of work - and of going back to work - out of your head for the next week or so.

Immerse yourself in some of those activities or pursuits that you always mean to get around to; that might be planning and cooking your favourite meal or a dish that you've long wanted to try, baking bread (kneading dough is a great stress reliever), sorting the linen cupboard from top to bottom or other tasks that need a few hours of concentrated effort to complete - and take plenty of time out to smell the roses.

Without turning yourself into a Stepford wife, let your dh see the benefit of a less stressed you. Spritz some beeswax furniture around the house (the inner front door frame is a good place to ensure that anyone entering will think you've spend hours cleaning!), greet his homecoming with a smile, and let the smell of fresh baking or a delicious repast lift his spirits.

Listen to radio 4 to get your mind thinking about matters unconnected to your current problems and, when you feel more relaxed, take a look at the family finances and work out how to make up any shortfall when you resign your current employment.

Coing to work incurs expense in terms of fares, lunches, clothing, etc and it could be that you won't be a great deal worse financially off after you've left your present employment - and it may also be that you're not receiving the full raft of benefits that you are entitled to.

NB: I'm using 'when' rather than 'if' in relation to you leaving your job as it's clear that particular role has fallen far short of making you a happy bunny in the workplace and has majorly contributed to your constant feelings of failure and inadequacy.

I'm also mindful of the fact that it's always better to jump before you are pushed and, from what you've reported here, it appears that the writing is on the wall in that respect.

If you haven't yet signed up for further study in September, do so now and contemplate spending the summer months as a sabbatical; a time for you to rest, regroup, rethink, and get yourself fully fit - and perhaps find a non-demanding part-time occupation that will enable you to re-establish the self-confidence in the workplace that I'm sure you once possessed.

Please understand you have not failed anyone. On the contrary, you've kept going workwise long after others would have thrown in towel and you are now taking steps to ensure that you can continue to succeed in providing a stable and happy home and continuity of care for your ds and, of course, for your dh and yourself.

Thanks izzy, yes I will have to focus on the positive now. Am also looking into the range of benefits available....have been a taxpayer for decades after all!! I have to email my employer to let them know what is going on....will be careful not to use the word 'sorry' as I am sick of apologising for being the way I am.

DH was very hard on me this morning but I know he is going out of his mind with stress himself - so he is forgiven already. I hope he forgives me. I want us to support each other better so will try to have honest conversation with him. He has had another run in with family member who has had a go at him (long story), this after repeated assurances that everything he has done was respected & he would receive more support. With all this hassle, no wonder he sees me as yet another person to worry about & give him grief.

Some things though are never going to change....so I need to focus on those that can change and must.

just to concur also that I WILL be leaving my job......it is just a matter of when and how. I know DH will disapprove....he has a stressful job himself & his attitude is 'just do the job & switch off, it pays for all the good things in our lives'. There is nothing wrong with that & it works for him but I want more....don't expect to be ecstatically happy at work but there has to be at least a part of it that I find reasonably fulfilling. I just want to wake up in the morning and be moderately contented, not miserable, at the prospect of my working day.

Thanks again for the great advice....it is heeded & will be acted on.

Should read 'Spritz some beeswax furniture polish' around the inner entry door frame - I didn't intend for you to stress the poor man out even more by blockading your hallway with actual furniture

I would suggest you put that 'honest conversation' on hold for a while - let your dh have the benefit of being able to offload his worries to a less stressed you with a view to you both getting on the same page insofar as his relatives are concerned.

To that end, may I also suggest that you simply listen to what he has to say and resist the temptation to jump in with criticisms suggestions until you've had time to think over what he's said and are able to come up with strategies that may help him relieve or minimise some of his stress.

Apart from when I give sincere condolences, I long ago erased the word 'sorry' from my vocabulary.

If I fuck up I give 'my apologies'. I also studiously avoid the word 'but' in conversations and, as a result of these simple omisions , I have a reputation for being positive and assertivoe even when I'm not

DH has come home & promptly gone to bed as exhausted. He has had a stressful day at work & huge run in w family member....is fed up with everything & everyone incl me. 'You're going to lose your job you know'. He thinks I should go back to work on Monday....but I am signed off till Wednesday.

what is the point of paying for good things in your life if you can't enjoy them?

Take no notice of DH, for the time being I am giving him the benefit of the doubt as he is stressed too...

Your dh's reaction is predictable; when we're beset by stress and problems - and even when we're not - our responses can take the form of knee-jerk reactions rather than considered opinions based on rational thinking.

What he thinks contradicts what you, we, and now your doctor, know which is that you are simply not fit to be at work and being at that particular workplace is making you unwell.

Don't pay too much attention to what he's said; quietly continue researching what benefits you are entitled to and go through the family finances with a fine tooth comb so that you'll be able to assure him that your sabbatical won't cause financial hardship.

As you become more relaxed he'll be able to reap the benefits of having a dw who isn't constantly on the brink of nervous and physical collapse (and perhaps a bit 'snappy' as a result?) and you'll have the time and, eventually, the energy to keep the household wheels well-oiled which will smooth his working day and enable him to relax during the evening and at weekends (mil permitting)

Give some thought to making him a tempting supper and waking him later - or prepare something that can be easily heated up if he gets the munchies in the middle of the night.

In order to go easy on others, it's necessary to go easy on yourself . You've got the makings of a 'plan'; stick to it and let any unwarranted or ill-thought out criticism go in one ear and out the other.

Hi LH11 - Thinking of you and sending best wishes to you all.

Lifehope11 I'm truly delighted that you have been signed off, dare I say it you are even sounding a tiny bit more upbeat in your posts.

Take izzyizins advice on board -it may sound a bit 50's housewife ( you may want to spruce up your lipstick and put on some nice clothes to greet your DH's return from work) but you both sound seriously undernurtured so at the very least it's a new attempt to try.

Try to enjoy your days off.

Thanks all for your messages. I will take this advice & make myself & the house tidy & sorted. It is true rookie that DH & I both feel undernurtured...I have few friends at hand, DH has had another huge fallout with family member which is the last thing he needs. Suffice it to say that all the assurances that DH hard work and contributions were respected, and that he would receive support in future, have come to nothing.....quite the opposite, he has received criticisms, accusations, evasions and contempt. I am furious all over again.

Lifehope11 what exactly are you achieving by being furious on your DH's behalf ? Is it helping him to come to terms with it, is it helping you to maintain your fragile equilibrium. A gentle hint - the answer is you are achieving nothing from it.

From my vast experience of two weeks of telephone counselling for a stressful situation at work , the best advice I can give you and your DH is to cancel any expectations that his relatives are going to act in the way that you feel would be honourable and correct. They have shown through their attitude over the redundancy money and I am sure through a host of other measures that they are simply not going to react they way you and your DH feel they should. Therefore you need to stop expecting them to - this should be easier for you than for your DH as you aren't as emotionally invested in them.

Plan some nice time for you and your DH tonight. Take one hour when your DS has gone to bed where you spend some time talking/doing something that does not involve work/family concerns in any way. Maybe give each other massages. It sounds a bit sappy and new agey but you two need to connect and not in bonding over how awful DH's family is.

Oh and re the cleaning of the house - sounds as if you are setting it up to be a big task that you will then fail at. Forget it if it makes you feel like that and focus instead on one job say cleaning out one drawer and one cupboard and doing it really well so that you feel a sense of achievement.

Thanks again....I have taken your advice & restricted myself to tidying (low effort big impact) plus small amount of cleaning & cooking nice meal.

More stress though this evening....huge fall out with DH & family, upsets, tears, shouting....dramatics in front of DS which has sent DH blood pressure through the roof though they did patch it up somewhat at the end.

Can't stand all this drama...surely family should support you through your troubles rather than being a source of them?

DH has gone out now with his friend for the evening so nice meal will be eaten by DS & me only then I will put him to bed.

I have had my few days out & feel calmer....but I know when I am back at work it will all start again. I wish I never had to go back, just postponing the inevitable.