I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

Are you going to hand your notice in?

Glad you are feeling calmer, on the way to the end of my last job (went sick, and then left) I tried to go back twice, but nothing had changed so the stress just restarted.

You're going back to see your doctor on Weds or Thurs, at which time there is no way you'll be fit to return to your current job.

Your doctor will sign you off again and, at that point, I would suggest you hand in your notice to your employers and stay off sick until your official date of leaving.

In short, there's no reason whatsoever for you to go back to work and, if you ignore all of the advice you've been given in this matter - which, in itself, only confirms what you know to be true - you'll be placing yourself at risk of becoming seriously unwell and being unable to function at work or at home.

Although this thread was only begun a month or so ago you first posted back in August 2011, at which time is was apparent that you've been conflicted for years.

It seems to me that it's only in the last few days that you've seen a glimmer of light at the end of the very long tunnel of hopelessness, anger, resentment, and despair, that you've been travelling through.

Now that you're emerging from the darkness, please don't allow the exit to become blocked by a return to your current employment.

izzy, the problem is that I know that DH expects me back at work and will not understand if I tell him that I don't want to do this job any more. I went for months after my redundancy, unable to find a job, and was overjoyed when I got this one.

The result is that I am sitting up late again tonight, uncertain as to what to do. I am so scared that if I resign this job I will never get another one. Part of me thinks that I should just keep going for as long as I can, and live in hope of better times for me & loved ones. Another part of me just wants to be happy, but I can't be unless loved ones are safe & comfortable; all that is jeopardised if I give up work.

I heartily wish I could find a place in the world where I could just feel comfortable.

I'm adding my voice to izzy's. What is more important, your health or whether DH 'understands.' You can't go on like this, and it's not that many years since it would have generally been thought unthinkable for you to do so in your situation, leaving aside your anxiety and depression. Rightly so, imho, life is not all about work, it is about living - for you, DS, and DH to name but 3.

You may have been overjoyed when you got your present job but it's far from being a source of enjoyment for you, is it?

Why on earth should your dh 'expect' you back at work? Surely he can understand that this isn't the right job for you, and surely he can see how conflicted and stressed out you are?

You know that if you go back to work you'll find yourself n the same old deep trough of despair and frustration and anger and resentment.

You also know that, if you continue to underperform, you may well be pushed before you can jump and that will be yet another load of misery and self-recrimination for you to bear.

If you return to work you'll be sabotaging yourself in a not dissimilar way to when you stopped taking your meds.

You need time out far more than you need this job. If you return to work you'll be in more danger of jeopardising the safety and comfort of your loved ones than if you resign now and start working at rebuilding your self-esteem and self-confidence.

It's not constructive to live in hope of better times in the future; the future may never happen and you're best advised to put your mind to making better times happen *now^.

If your dh gives you any grief, tell him that your doctor has decreed that you are not fit to work. End of.

You mentioned a referral to a neurologist? I feel sure that, on hearing your story, no neurologist would conclude that working at the present time is conducive to your health and well-being.

Have you researched what additional benefits you may be entitled to by staying at home finding a part-time work?

How do you manage childcare for all of the school holidays which amount to some 12 or 14 weeks a year? Do you have a carer for ds to cover the period from his return from school until you/dh get home from work?

Hallo again

If you are the praying kind please pray for me....otherwise please wish me well. My life is hard and refuses to get easier. I am sick though of feeling downtrodden and inferior. If you don't think I am inferior please tell me so.

No one here believes that you are inferior but the reason you continue to feel this way is because you don't heed the advice of those who wish you well.

In essence, you are making your life far harder than it needs to be and the only prayer you need is the one that's been mentioned to you on numerous occasions - namely Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer. As I'm not inclined to organised religion, I change the second verse references to Jesus and sin to:
'Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking as I should
The world as it is
Not as I would have it.'

W.W. Bartley's verse sums it up:
For very ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it
If there be none, never mind it.

In common with all of us, there may be things in your life that you can't change but your feelings of inferiority are misplaced and you're only as downtrodden as you allow yourself to be.

LifeHope, of course you aren't inferior. Sending good wishes your way. What's your situation at the moment?

You are not inferior. However, unless you do something yourself to change things, your situation will remain the same. Instead of praying for the strength to endure, please pray for the strength to take a leap of faith and hand in your notice.

Dear all

Firstly, I want to say again how much I appreciate all of you who have taken the time to read my posts and offer advice/support. It has really helped me & has been acted upon.

Just to give you an update......I am feeling MUCH better right now. The ADs I am taking may be starting to do their stuff but many of the circumstances I have been faced with have eased off. DS is over the worst of his surgery (though of course his issues will never go away). And with work....let's just say the issues are in the process of being resolved & I am making appropriate plans for the future.

MIL has gone to stay long term with close relatives overseas as DH intimated to them that things couldn't go on as before, we are just not able to deal with it. Some hiccups though....she rang DH at the weekend all upset 'I don't like it here, I want to come back'.....she had just arrived there! More panic for DH & family & I'm afraid I had the old familiar stress come back. He & family discussed & it seems to have settled down....I am really worried about how relatives will cope but know it couldn't go on as before.

So all in all things are better.....but I can't be complacent & must go on getting support when needed. I never want to feel such a victim of circumstances & know many of the underlying issues haven't gone away...they could turn against us again in the blink of an eye & I need to have the bottle to deal with them. But I didn't know how ill I was at the time....need to be emotionally far stronger & more resilient than hitherto.

Lifehope11 that is such good news. I think about you from time to time and wondered how you were, terrific that your MIL is abroad, gives you a break and also lets them see her true condition.

I'm glad too about your work, you sound much more settled.

So very very glad to hear this, lifehope

Keep posting, we can get to know the slightly less stressed you, iyswim.

Thanks rookie and Pussycat....as I say it is still a fairly cautious optimism, I have felt the victim of circumstances for a long time. But at last I am waking up in the mornings feeling reasonably OK about the day ahead. That is such a MASSIVE relief!

I know that horrible things happen sometimes but I just need some respite from them. I know that I am responsible for my own well being that by and large, happiness is something you make. But I have felt overwhelmed by my circumstances, kicked around by them....I am still scared of going back there, those were dark days.

Hallo,

Just another quick update.....I am continuing much better, can't believe now how bad I was & how I kept going so long.

I am still on antidepressants & am scared to come off them. My GP asked me if I would consider coming off them because of increased risk of epileptic seizures associated with them....I said no & explained how bad I was...I really wished I was dead sometimes, (though not suicidal because I could never do anything to hurt/deprive DS iyswim).

I have a job interview near home...in my professional field so better work life balance and more fulfilling work. Please wish me luck.

MIL is still abroad with SIL, she still does odd things like call to say she is flying back, she is all packed & could we collect her etc. Or she calls DH, blames/criticises him for 'getting rid of her' puts the phone down on him etc. I have to say that my stress levels have gone down since she left & rise whenever these incidents happen. I also feel guilty that SIL is having to deal with this, I sense that she is struggling.

Anyway, there you have it...my life, by no means problem free but reasonably OK but parts of it really good. Which is all I ever wanted from life.

MIL wants to come back home but DH and SIL are agreed that she can't live independently any more.....so if/when she comes back it will be in some kind of residential home set up. Presumably it will be funded through MIL property/rental income. I will be adamant though that it CAN'T be funded by us. That is a step too far for me. I am worried that if DH insists on it, it could break us up.

I just sound horrible here.....most people I know do not realise what I am really like. They think that I am quite sweet natured, but my 'horrible person' credentials are anonymously on display here.

I don't want to add financial difficulties to our other ones. I have had these in the past and I know what hell they are, really sympathise for anyone going through them. At the time I resolved to never go through them again, saved and paid my way out of them, it took decades. I just want to build a wall of security around my little family (me, DS, DH).

DS has a post surgery check up next week, I hope it goes OK. I still worry desperately about his future (especially given the country's problems - he will have as good a future as his country is able to give him), but I have to somehow keep the desperate worry at army's length, to worry 'over there' as it were, and focus on changing for the better only that which can be controlled.

You are a sweet natured person - at least, you seem so going by your posts on here. Of course you have to take care of you and your family. Don't feel guilty about SIL - instead, be glad that she has someone to talk to (you) who really understands.

I am so glad that the pressure has eased off for you.

Thank you Pink for your post and (yet again) for your kind words. I try to be as honest as possible in these posts...I oscillate though between wanting to do the best by anyone and getting furiously resentful when I feel pushed into jeopardising my/DS security & peace of mind. If I were truly sweet natured it would always be in evidence surely? running through me like a stick of rock....not so easily & regularly eclipsed by anger & resentment.

I do want to do the right thing by MIL and for her to remain part of our lives, cared for & respected....she is family after all. But I am responsible for nobody but myself, DS and DH. That is just the way I feel.

Yebbut - you have been understandably resentful because you are sweet-natured, want the best for everyone, and can't do it all! What you were taking on would have taxed anyone. I think you deserve and definitely a (sadly not available anymore tho!)

Thank you dear Pink, it is true that I am generally well meaning and want the best for everyone but sometimes the going gets hard (adversity can bring out not only the best but also some of the worst in people.....but hopefully my very worst isn't so so bad).

Loving DS as I do makes me want to feel important and not pushed aside.....if I am downtrodden then so will he be.

LH11 - It's good to hear from you; often think of you and wondered if you were getting help with all that life has thrown at you! You seem a lot better now. Good luck with everything.

With best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks so much sad, I am getting all the help I can & have had plenty. Help comes from the most unexpected sources.

We had a street party in our road at the weekend, yesterday I was chatting to a neighbour who was there, was talking about how DS seemed to enjoy the party. She then said 'We (all the neighbours in our road) all love (DS name) you know'.

This confirms what I know; that DS is a wonderful special boy. If I could show him off proudly here on MN I would. It is truly miraculous how the world takes away with one hand and gives back a hundredfold with the other.

I was out yesterday evening with DS in his wheelchair, a woman asked me what DS 'had' (ie what his condition was) - I told her he had 'wonderful boy syndrome'. Think I will use that line or similar when anyone asks me about DS again, this frequently happens & is rather nosey, I don't feel inclined to discuss his issues with strangers.

The interview is soon....the more research I do about the job/company the keener I am as the job seems more suited to my skills, it is near home, the company looks good etc. I will find out more during the interview......but please please wish me luck!!! I need some good things to drift my way so they are within reaching & grabbing distance!

Lifehope11 my fingers are crossed for the interview, I'm so happy for you - you sound like a different person.

Don't feel guilty about your SIL btw, you and your DH had to shoulder the burden of looking after your MIL for a long time , I'm not saying it's good that your SIL now has that responsibility, but it is fair that it should be shared around and at least now everyone has realised that your MIL needs residential care.