In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Where are you OP? If you're near Chehire or North Wales I would be more than happy to meet for coffee and a cheer-up cake! Could do with that myself!

Starting - you can cope. You CAN Cope - you just never have had to, never tried your own muscles, your own strength. But with the help of (among others) Vander, you have support and advice from those who have been through it. They know what you are feeling, and what will happen next.

DO yourself a big favour, put his stuff into bin bags. Chuck into garage or on front lawn.

Listen to us. You DO NOT want himback - you may think you do, that you want it allto be like before, but even IF HE DOES COME BACK IT WILL NOT BE THE SAME...the OW will not evaporate. The affair will not evaporate, it will still have happened. His love will not suddenly reappear. I know it's painful to think someone you love doesn't feel ANYTHING for you, but that's when its helpful to get angry - not ashamed. You have not done anything to be ashamed of. He failed at the realtionship.. Tell your brother that. You didn't fail, whatever blame he tries to put on you.

Sarah thank you sooooo much for the offer to come and stay i live in kent so its a bit far but the offer is so much appreciated.

I would love to book at holiday on my own- i always wanted to travel he never did......im still on the sofa cant face the bedroom....

i live near the sea and it is grey, miserable and raining this morning........i took the dog for a long walk and literally bawled my eyes out.....he texted to say that he is coming over at two today no doubt to tell me that he is not coming back moving in with OW etc, i so want to be strong but my emotions are all over the place, i tried to call him to tell him not to come but he wont answer my calls at all...........

The fact that your relationships with other people have gone is an indicator that this relationship has been prison-like....he has contributed to your helplessness....you now feel terrified as there is nothing in your way...which is a new thing.

I was the same when my relationship ended...the feeling of freedom wa awful...because it was new....but when I got used to it, it was SUCH a revelation and one of the happiest times of my life was as a single person with lots of friends...it didn't come straight away though...took me more than a year to re-establish myself...more like two years.

You might like this poem by Maya Angelou

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are
tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the
sighing trees and the fat worms
waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and
he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the
grave of dreams his shadow shouts
on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are
tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

He's gone now....he's left the door of the cage open...because he thinks he might like to come back to it...he hopes you'll still be there in the corner waiting for him to lock it again.

Don't give him the chance.

Ive just had another panic attack- i need help- im losing all perspective at the moment- i dont want to beg when he comes but i feel so very frightened..........

I know that these few weeks will be the worst and things will get better after this but it is very hard to see past that......

All i want is a cuddle someone to hold me and tell me its will all be ok- thank you so much for all of your help- if i didnt have you guys- i would be in a very very dark place now........

Just either text him not to come or be out when he comes. there is no need for you to see him just now especially in your vulnerable state. Give yourself a while to gather your emotions before you see him. Going cold turkey will do you good.

Starting- come and stay with me! I'm on surrey/sussex border, not far from the airport. I have a tiny tiny spare room, just big enough for a bed, chest-of-drawers - and a dogbed!
And my house is a bit of a tip too, so you'll feel right at home!

Giving you a cyber hug right now.

It will be shitty for a while but you will be fine

Get out of the house...go to a cafe at about 1.30 so you miss his arrival. That's all.

DO NOT be there for him to be mean to.

i just haven't got the confidence to think i can cope.....make friends.....come home to an empty bed every night.....live alone.......it just seems all too much at the moment :(

Its looks at though hes coming round later to 'talk' further...coming to my home to humiliate and crush me- he knows how much this will hurt me and how hard i will find it to cope, but he doesn't seem to care, he has he cosy set up with the OW and that's all he cares about now- people are so cruel

So why do i let him in, im too weak to say f*k off, stupidly i don't want him to think bad of me....

What Saffy doesn't mention is that the stuff her BIL and ES dumped on her Ex's lawn included a guitar signed by one E. Clapton, which they used as a make-shift flagpole to fly a pair of dirty boxers he'd had the nerve to leave! He was not amused, as I remember.

I've been following your thread with dismay at the misery you're having to endure. The description of your feelings is so raw and vivid it's brought back memories of my own hurt from years and years ago.

Before DH turned up I had a long-standing BF who I really believed was The One. One day he announced without any warning that he had got a job in France and was leaving the following week. He had no plans for me in this scenario, which he'd been setting up for some time. I was devastated. Cue weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of garments. I really showed myself up. I was hatching all sorts of insane plans to get a job in France myself and cling to him like shit on his shoe.

Well, he left me and I bored everyone I knew with how much I missed him and how I'd never find anyone else like him (fortunately, that's proved to be true!). Then, six weeks later, he turned up on my doorstep out of the blue with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. He'd decided to come back to me and clearly expected me to fall on his neck with gratitude. And do you know? In that instant I realised that (a) he was a prick, and (b) I didn't want him any more.

I know your relationship is a much longer one, but the principle remains the same: we often think we want something only to find that we no longer do.

If only you can weather this storm, calmer waters will be waiting for you - and you can sail off on an adventure of your own.

Unfortunately, he is also coming to sort out the roof which is currently leaking, it raining at the moment and so i really do need it sorted, last time it leaked it came though to the bedrooms.......

Captainmummy, i might take you up on that!!! I could do with a change of scenery thank you so much for your kind offer....

RoxyRobin, i'm mourning what i thought was in my future, and finding it hard to see another way.....i know i will get through this but i suppose im scared that my future will be a lonely one.........

Deep breath im going to ring my brother.........i need to talk to him- i need him now........... :(

Its absoluteley horrible Starting , but healthy and normal ( and necessary ) for you to feel this way , it will pass . Think of it like having the flu , you know you will be well again , but its shit while youve got it .

I think you need to not let him dictate that hes coming round , its not good for you and puts him in a position of control . Theres really no reason for him to call round, theres nothing to talk about and anything he says will hurt you further .

This coming round is a game they like to act out , and i would put a stop to it sharpish . Ow will probably be on pins throughout his visit , adding to his massive ego , and your entire conversation will be relayed back to her . Dont feed his massive ego . What a wanker he is .

I was also thinking that i might ring his mum, i also got on with her and she is a nice lady...but her loyalty will obviously be with him.....

Starting I am late to this thread but I am another one who wants to encourage you not to be in when he decides to tip up this afternoon. This is not because I was amazonian strong when my exP left, but because if I had the time again I would behave so very differently (I hope). So please learn from my and others' experience - we have hindsight to draw on.

The hardest thing for you right now is the empty days - time must seem to go very slowly. Be as active as you can, even if you do not feel like it. For a start, in the next hour sling as much of his stuff as you can into black bin bags, then go out with the dog. This is the only message he should be getting from you right now as face to face it will be very difficult to maintain your composure when everything is so raw.

Have some of his stuff bagged up when he comes. Please do it. It will feel good for you to be making some of the changes.

You know you don't have to be in when he comes round. You can be out.

I would get a locksmith in ASAP to change the locks, or at least add a new one that he obvioulsy doesn't have a key for and then I would seriously go out for the day. See him on your terms when you are ready, not when he feels like it.

It may helop you get some feeling of control back.

Also I wouldn't say anything to him about his keeping the money, you may well regret that when the anger sets in at a later stage.

Under and PPIMT, i think is slowly sinking in that he had been planning this for a while, he said to me that he was going to tell me later this week(when convenient for him) but we had a row and it all came out- he had somewhere to go the OW's, it was all set up, he has probably been putting money away and getting things ready.......
He told me he me this woman while walking the dog and they met again and exchanged numbers started going for drinks in the evening when im cooking his dinner....... she knows about me, i would never do this to another woman...ive been a fool i was complacent i never thought this would happen to me :(

Can you look back and say that you were happy with him? On a daily basis? Were you happy with life the way it was?

So if she's a dog walker does that mean you will know her face?

Please don't tell him he can have the money or anything like that. Do you partially own the business? I know you own the house and that's great. Generally how will your financial situation be?

Youve not been a fool at all Starting , dont go down that road . Hes the fool for lying and cheating and shes an even bigger fool for shacking up with a proven liar . It wont be long before she realises that , how would you ever trust someone who you have witnessed lying and cheating ? How would you ever respect someone who was willing to be a bit on the side for 8 months ? Its seedy and nasty and no reflection on you in any way at all .

I know its far too soon , but one day you will thank her for opening your eyes to what he really is .

He has just called me, sounding very loving, keeps calling me sweetheart- i asked him why he keeps calling me sweetheart when im not his sweetheart any more he doesn't answer............

I really need the roof fixed so i have to let him in- i said can you just do that and go...........he says that he wants to 'talk' as well.

I'm going to bag up some of his clothes etc.........Ive spoken to my accountant, bank, CAB etc and im going to take control of the conversation..........ive got to be strong just for an hour........