Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
undermyskin · 07/03/2012 12:28

Try and give your mind a rest from analysing everything that led to this. Get the bin bags out, you've only got an hour before going out. Please learn from our experience.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 12:30

Are you going to bag up some stuff for when he comes? Even if its just one bag. Make it clear he has to take it there and then. Put it by the front door or even in the front garden.

Put something a bit embarrassing of his in there. Spot cream? Piles cream? Shitty pants? Sneaky porn he thinks you don't know about? Some geeky hobby?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 12:31

PPIMT- i wish i did- he told me the locality where she lives- its literally just up the road, i might even bump into them as a couple- lovely.

Yesterday night i felt like driving round (its only a small place) until i saw his van, just so i knew something and had some control -at the moment i know nothing..............

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/03/2012 12:35

Well done Starting . Hes being like that because hes checking in with you to see if your still desperate to have him back .

I hope youve got some really cheap bin bags , you know , the ones that rip and tear when you put any sort of weight in them Grin

My ex kept wanting to talk , they often do . I had suspected for a while so it was actually a releif when i found out for sure . During one of his checking in talks i commented that it was a shame he hadnt felt able to talk to me about it , we may have been able to sort something out . He was confused and enquired further . I said we might have been able to negotiate an open marriage , it seemed silly that i had felt such guilt about my own affair when i neednt have Grin

It wasnt true of course but the look on his face and the nasty child tantrum he had still makes me smile now .

ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 12:35

What a shithead.

Don;t let him turn this on you and blame you.

He tries to day its your fault for nagging - turn it back on him saying he should have spoken to you not shagged the first woman he met.

He tries to blames in on your lack of sex life, ditto above.

He tries to blame it on a lack of ambition - again see above. I think you get the picture!

This is not your fault, times when you weren;t happy, you didn;t jump into bed with the first man you met. I know that life isn't black and white and that things do change but he needs to man up and admit fault and work out this mess without trying to make himself look like the innocent party.

Good luck today.

captainmummy · 07/03/2012 12:40

Talk about shitting on your own doorstep!

I'm clearing a space in the spare room -it's not as nice as whitstable but has its moments!

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 12:41

Yes Diggs is right...he wants you to beg him again...so he's being kind to try to lull you into opening up.

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 12:44

Roxy, fancy you remembering the flagpole with the skanky boxers on! I still chuckle when I think of it!!

Starting - panic attacks are normal in your situation; I work in MH and sometimes help patients with them - just try and go with the attack, and keep telling yourself that panic attacks pass, and they never kill anybody. Breath in slowly - through your nose for a count of 4, then hold for 2, and out through your mouth for 4. They can leave you feeling exhausted though, and I imagine you're absolutely exhausted right now.

Don't give the other woman too much thought; although she's the one he's left for, she doesn't matter - like the OW my husband went to, they are interchangeable - men like these will always go somewhere else. I doubt it will last with her when reality bites. Having an illicit fling is one thing, living with someone and all their emotional baggage and real baggage will soon break their little dream.

I would do all you can to avoid seeing him. I'd block him from your phone and change the locks, I really would.

Hope call to brother goes well X

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 12:45

Diggs, i wish i could be a strong as you! I basically want him to fix the roof take his stuff and f*k off im fed up with talking, all hes going to do is say that he doesnt me anymore and list the reasons why- i dont need that s*t.

He not exactly a catch, and im sure i could list all the things that pissed me off about him- but whats the point?- I could hear in his voice earlier that hes staying with the OW - he just wants me as a back up in case i doesnt work out.

If i allow him to do that to me then im a fool........

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 12:48

Captain Mummy thank you - you are so kind............ i dont know if i will be good company though!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 07/03/2012 12:49

Well done starting! Sounds like you are getting to the point of kicking him andhis stuff out.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 12:51

Saffy- she is 'listening to him' making him feel important- hes sleeping on the sofa apparently and he hasnt left me for her........:)

If he does leave hes not moving in with her he will rent a flat.....they havent slept together etc.......does he really expect me to believe this shit im not fucking stupid Angry

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 07/03/2012 12:56

Give him a shock when he comes over wn you are not the little woman begging for him to come back ... He can take his black bags wherever he ends up - you don't give a toss anyway - as long as they are not in your house!

Diggs · 07/03/2012 12:56

Dont buy i was strong Starting ! That was one moment in months of being weak . I felt suicidal at times , and like nearly everyone who experiences this , i made a complete arse of myself Blush

And mine was no catch either , bald , grossly overweight little man who had disgusting personal habits that would make you peuk on your keyboard .

If he starts the talk , perhaps simply interrupt him with various statements ie

" I havent been happy for a long time , bleat bleat bleat "

Yes , neither have i . I really dont think we were suited .
I agree , I think its for the best .
I agree , I havent found you attractive for a long time either

Watch his face fall

LiarsWife · 07/03/2012 13:02

And if he is not sleeping with her and genuinely on the couch I will eat Saffy's hubby's skanky boxers Wink

Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:02

She listens to him whinge and makes him feel important ?

Perhaps shes going to foster him ?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:06

Yes she 33 (so a bit younger than me) and she works as a carer....and she is a man stealer sounds lovely......... this might be all rubbish ive only got his word to go on...........

OP posts:
ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 13:08

Also don't forget that at the moment the affair will be new and exciting - whats he going to do in a few months time when she realises that it just aint exciting listening to him whinge and whine and she also starts expecting him pull his weight. Will it be as exciting when she sees him picking his nose, leaving his smelly socks whever he fancies, when he drinks from the bottle belches and puts it back - no, will she put up with it - no!

All relationships get to that stage, yours was no different, do not let him blame you.

LiarsWife · 07/03/2012 13:13

It's all the same bl00dy script .. She cares about me .. she gives me attention (I was apparently giving too much attention to DD Hmm)

As several have pointed out the rose tinted specs will come off when they are living together

There is a geat article which cheered me up no end starting Can a mistress be a successful wife have a look

Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:13

Doesnt sound like shes going to be able to afford to support him much financially then ! In my experience women who have affairs like this are often vulnerable and have low self esteem , she will almost certainly have her own issues .

Would it help Starting , to make a list of all his negatives ? I did this and it was quite an eye opener . On paper he really didnt have much going for him .

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:16

He tries to make out he's the victim- i didnt listen to him, didnt appreciate him etc.....what about his drinking EVERY night for years.......the way i caught him snogging the face off a woman down an alley only a few months after i lost my mum- (this is only other time i know of- there where probably more).

I travelled across the country for work and earned a lot of money more than he every did so he could say at home and work on the house etc and its still not finished....... i always tried to protect him from realities of life ie we always had money in the bank- i didnt want him to do a job he didnt like........i never pushed him into marrage kids etc......

He never wanted to go anywhere travel etc i literally had to railroad him into going to NYC..........

I have never been unfaithful to him.....and HES the victim......

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 13:18

She's a b isn't she. She knows he has a woman. It won't last starting. It's just because it's something new. They aren't even living together and it's the first flush of excitement. Things will change if they were to move in together.

Nevertheless he probably will wake up and see what he's loss but would you want him back? I know you love him but you deserve much better.

RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 13:22

Sounds like you have done too much for him and he got too comfy. Well you sound like you have much better prospects than him and her.

Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:22

Those arent redeeming qualitys Starting , he sounds like a child .

RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 13:24

He s a loser with no morals. He already showed you early on that he's weak and doesn't take fidelity very seriously, she's welcome to him I say.