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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 07/03/2012 08:50

Let us push you .. you'll never regret doing something like the art course or a bit of volunteering (if not right now then soon)!!

Listen to Saffysmum she knows what she is talking about .. the script that my STBXH used is almost identical

You will get stronger and you will get through this! x

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 08:51

It's only been a couple of days. Small steps. But you are already going in the right direction.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:54

LW, why do men do this? Why cant they just be open and honest about their feelings, why do they find it so easy to switch off their emotions?

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 07/03/2012 08:57

Oh my dear, what a shock for you...:( But some great advice on this thread.

I would actually be very cautious of having him do more work on the house, as I think there is a possibility of him claiming that he has added to the value of the house and therefore being due some money...

I think the best thing to do is employ someone just to fix the leak and then leave it for a while until you get a new job and feel stronger.

Best wishes.

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 08:58

When I chucked Twunt out, a day or two later I bagged up all his clothes and stuck them in the garage. You may feel strong enough soon to do similar.

After your week of me-time, perhaps arrange a few hours volunteering, then demand that he works on the house whilst you're out doing that. I agree with the poster who said about going for half the business etc., you do have rights.

But that's all in the future - further down the line we can talk you through everything. Just be kind to yourself.

And wash the duvet set! Even better, go out and buy yourself a new girly set. I changed the bedroom round after Twunt left, it really made a difference.

XX

LiarsWife · 07/03/2012 09:05

I chucked all PRCKs stuff in a heap on the floor and changed the bed the night that I discovered the affair - I let him come back and bag it up himself Grin

I agree - be kind to yourself and try to eat something every day x

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 09:07

Branching, I did think about that- i dont want to write too much about this because this is a public forum, but i own the property but apparently he could still try to claim because he has done work on the property.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 09:12

Grin @ Liarswife!

Starting - as soon as you feel strong enough, find a solicitor in your area that does an initial free hours advice (CAB are good for sourcing these). In the meantime, don't let him into the property. It's yours - so I'd change the locks.
X

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 09:20

Starting I hope you're ok...I just wanted to say that if an old friend contacted me after years because she was going through something like you are, I would not hesitate to reconnect.

You should do it....just be honest...you may be surprised...just email or use facebook to send a private message....tell them you've just come out of a long relationshp and want to reforge your old friendships that you let slip.

People will be totally understanding. You don't get to 30 odd without exxperiencing some heartbreak and peope KNOW what it's like.

Also....about thE DIY that needs doing...why don't YOU try to do it? You might not know the first thing about fixing a roof but there are people all over the internet nd here who will help you....advise you.

You could even chronicle it all in a blog...start a "starting again blog" and people will love to read it and it will give you a focus...upload pics and tell the tales of your efforts to fix your own house after going through all this.

A good friend of mine did this wen she had suffered a bereavment and she has opened up a new world...won blogging awards and made friends.

Pantone363 · 07/03/2012 09:22

All I can say is sorry. This is such a crap situation but read and re-read everything Vander has said, she helped on my thread and has a sixth sense about these things!

Diggs · 07/03/2012 09:25

Starting , it would cost an awful lot for him to start making legal claims on your house , he doesnt sound like hes got money to burn so i wouldnt worry about that too much .

I agree with others though , bag his shit up , he doesnt live there anymore , its therapeutic , your not a free storage facility . Let him go back to Ow with various bin bags , including his dirty washing . Then go about making your bedroom your own , a lick of paint maybe or some new bedding .

Id also suggest keeping a journal , it really helps , even if its only to rant and say all the things you want to say to both of them .

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 09:39

AMary, many thanks for your post its really helped me get a new perspective- the idea about the blog really made me smile thank you xxxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 09:40

Pantone- youre right Vander has been amazing.........

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 09:44

Diggs, thats what I have been told........

All of his stuff is still here - what you said about the storage facility is right- his clothes his tools his old car- its all still here perhaps the bitch (OW) doesnt want all his smelly crap filling her house.......I'm can feel myself starting to get angry Angry

OP posts:
fiventhree · 07/03/2012 09:50

Starting, I truly believe that if you can muster the strength to hold firm against him, then you will gain emotionally growth and real adult independence. The result of that will really surprise you- it will make you see that he was never going to be good enough for you, he just represented a stage in your life.

The kid of partner you will need and want after going through this process will be different. You will wonder why you ever cared about him enough to want him back, and see that he is not enough for you.

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 09:51

good! Get his smelly old shit in bags and stick it on the drive....let him know he can come and get it before the charity shop does if he's quick.

Let's See how OW likes him turning up with a load of crap in a bag! Bet she gets a wake up call!

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 09:54

I agree about bagging his stuff up.

I also agree about doing a course, exercise classes, mailing old friends, or what ever you can do to meet new people. Cooking classes, photography? Something you've always fancied doing?

SlightlyJaded · 07/03/2012 10:02

Anger is good Starting - try to get some fire in your belly.

He has betrayed you terribly and deserves nothing less than your wrath.

Practically speaking I would make a list of things to do and try and cross one off a day:

  1. Bag his stuff up. At the moment he believes he is 'choosing'. Take that feeling of security away from him. He made his decision when he left.
  1. Contact 2 old friends.
  1. Get a list of courses in your local area. You don't have to enroll immediately. Just get the list.
  1. Pop in to your Mumsnet Local board for your area and say hello
  1. Eat well
  1. Call your brother and tell him what has happened.

With regard to the roof, i would be tempted to sell the van you paid for in order to get it fixed by a third party. Is that an option?

Keep going Starting x

Diggs · 07/03/2012 10:09

Absoluteley Starting , glad your getting mad . Take the option of him not knowing what he wants away from him and let Ow house be cluttered with his crap .Let them gaze at each other over piles of bin bags and other shit . Make it a bit more real and a lot less romantic for both of them .

And do consider contacting old freinds , i did this ( he sucked the life out of me and i ended up losing contact ) and they were very supportive , as was i when people have contacted me .

I bet he,ll have the nerve to be hurt and upset at you packing up his shit !

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 10:21

I agree with Jaded a great to-do list. also whenever i am feeling low and neglecting myself....or sad because someone has hurt me...I cherish myself...I remember my parents love that they must have had for me as a baby And I honour that by taking care of myself.

Have a shower if you've not already...get some bags out...think about bagging hs things.

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 10:23

Glad you're starting to get a bit angry Beginning; this will come and go with other emotions over the next few days. I got so angry with Twunt that I was like the Duracell Bunny on acid! I went through his stuff like a dose of salts, and had a garage full of it within a few hours.

Twunt still left a lot of his stuff here, and I spent all last summer tripping over it - in the end my BIL and ES drove it all to his new home, and dumped it on his lawn whilst he was at work.

You will feel better for sorting out some of his stuff, and telling him to collect it (but leave it outside). The romance he is currently basking in will rapidly diminish when he has 'reality' to deal with - and she has his underwear to wash! It will also, as others have said, take away his decision to return if he wants to; suddenly he won't have a Plan B any more. This will give you control, and make him realise you're a force to reckon with. And it will also shatter once and for all the crap he's told himself, about leaving you because you're a weak and needy, nagging woman.
X

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 10:33

That's right saffysmum who does he think he is???? leaving his crap at yours and swanning off to hers!
Like he is SO confident that he has the choice....that he can keep things all honeymoony with the OW by not bringing REALITY into the situation....the reality is that he is a bastard and she needs to see the fallout...in the shape of all his pants in carrier bags.

villagegossip · 07/03/2012 10:35

I agree with bagging up his stuff and giving him (and ow) a reality check. Then when he comes to get it, get out with the dog for a run or fast walk - I promise you will feel better for it and your dog will settle more too.

Good luck Starting - you can do this! X

SarahBumBarer · 07/03/2012 10:54

I told you he would start to blame & resent you Sad

I love travelling. When my ExH left one of the things I was most worried about was not having someone to travel with. About 5 months after he left I booked a holiday for me on my own. I never looked back - having the confidence to do that and just the sheer pleasure of doing what I wanted was bliss.

I am nowhere near you and currently bathroomless so not in an ideal position for visitors but if you feel like a weekend away in Nottingham (and can tolerate a one year old) in a week or two the offer is very definitely there. I also found when I was in your situation that it helped to have a full diary. I often did not enjoy what I was doing but looking forward to it helped to pass the time and time (eventually) does heal if you let it.

I also did the sleeping on the sofa thing - for months Blush It is just so hard to accept that the day is over and no resolution has been found and that makes it hard to go to bed.

solidgoldbrass · 07/03/2012 11:06

I rather suspect that the OW is also someone in a vulnerable position (lonely, perhaps bereaved or recently dumped or lacking in self-esteem and almost certainly younger) with plenty of money. Men like this are very parasitic, and they will only move on from one comfy berth to a comfier one.

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