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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

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Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 22:44

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and love---i really need it at the moment!

It would great if i could meet someone for a quick chat just a friendly face would be wonderful............. :)

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VanderElsken · 06/03/2012 22:47

I'm not even in the same country alas, but I will be in a month. Maybe start thinking about trips you could go on or old friends or relatives you could start a facebook conversation with or something. Seeing someone in real life is so useful. Or counselling even? Do an online search for someone near you, it can only be helpful.

SlightlyJaded · 06/03/2012 22:54

. IS ANYONE ON THIS THREAD NEAR WHITSTABLE IN KENT????

If you do come up to London (West/SW/Central) I'd be glad to meet for a coffee and chat. Or take a walk round a gallery or something.

Feel free to PM x

nappymaestro · 06/03/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

romneymarsh · 06/03/2012 23:08

Starting - he is hedging his bets, I was made to wait two months while my H decided if he wanted me or OW, he used to pop round to help me, but that is all their guilt and trying to make them feel that they are not bad guys who have cheated, deceived and left their partners totally bewildered, lost and grieving for a life they thought they had.

Dont beg and plead, it will fall on deaf ears, he has already made his decision but doesnt know how to finalise it. I pushed for a decision towards the second month of jumping though hoops, and he eventually plucked up the courage to tell me to get on with my life. I hit rock bottom, as I too had lost both parents. Never thought I would get through the hurt.

It has been the hardest slog of my life but I am there now, and realising life can be good again. I do hope one day I will meet someone else but I know I will have trust issues.

I had to go no contact as I was just punishing myself, I wanted to see and talk to him so much but i just wasnt recovering so I had to go no contact. I hadnt seen him for 14 months and two weeks ago he had to come to the house to collect the last of his items, I was dreading it as I was worried I would still have all the same feelings for him (I never did get angry, I wished I had) but I finally got my closure, he looked like a little old man. I will never wish him good luck but he has made his bed and now he must lie in it.

Starting this is going to be hard but you can do it, and keep the dog, I couldnt have done without mine. Time is a healer and that is simply the truth, and in a way you know that as you have come through loosing your parents.

RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 02:08

Hi,

How are you feeling?
I can't believe how mean some people can be. It really fails me, how can he be this way.

My heart sank when you said you were all alone, I hate it that you Feel this way. Please remember you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 05:43

Starting, you say that you have no one to help you and you're all alone. Apart from us lot (and believe me, MNs got me through hell last year) you have a wonderful person to help you - yourself.

The trouble with the early stage of what you're going through (and reading your posts, I feel your fear, anguish and pain, and I remember feeling the same), is that you're playing catch up.

He's had months to prepare himself for this; he's rehearsed it, and gone through various outcomes and scenarios in his head. You, on the other hand, have had a bombshell dropped on you, and you're in utter shock and panic. So you're feeling very vulnerable, and this makes you doubt your ability to cope on your own.

But you will cope - and you will get through this. Your heart needs to catch up with your head, and that takes time. You are stronger than you think; I promise you this. But it is such early days, and you can't rush through the emotions and feelings, to catch up to where he is.

He is lying of course about sleeping on the sofa. He is telling you the minimum he feels he can get away with. This is to make himself feel better. Also, he wants you as Plan B. I was Plan B; my ex, or Twunt, as I affectionately call him, never admitted to an affair. He wanted to leave us, but only in the summer when it suited him. I was supposed to put up with his shit for months and months, and then wave him on his happy way. I took control and chucked him out in April, and took away his Plan B. He was bloody furious. The anger from this man towards me - the wife he had been cheating on for months and months, was palpable. This is because in his head, I was the weak woman - he had to make me into this person, so that he could feel justified in leaving me. When I got strong and took my own future in my own hands, it blew apart his perception of me, and suddenly he had no fall back plan, if his new life didn't work out.

You will get fed up of me saying this hunni, but please, take time to lick your wounds, don't see him or contact him. Take control - you are in charge now of what happens to you. He's worn you down and eroded your sense of self; that's understandable, but dig deep, lean on us, and be kind to yourself.

Small steps - at your own pace.

And, one more time - NO CONTACT.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 08:01

I wish i was near enough to meet up with you!

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:07

Morning all x

I drifted off to sleep last night as i was exhausted...woke up early this morning and it hit me all over again- i'm now in floods of tears again. I desperately want to think that we can work this out but i know that in reality this is not going to happen.

I just feel so sad, sad for all the plans we had, sad for the good times,sad that this is how its ended. When he visited last night i told him how alone and scared i was and he still left, he knows i have no one, he left to be with the OW, my heart is broken........

I've been sleeping on he sofa since he left, i cant face our bed and i didnt eat or drink at all yesterday- ive had some milk this morning.

What do i do now?- What the am i supposed to do....you are all right he had been planning this for months, he's only known her a few months, how can he leave everything we have, everything we have build, our life for that?he must have really hated me ........i get the feeling that the OW is whispering in his ear and turning this all on me.......he went to her house again last night so basically he is now living with her isnt he??

I woke up this morning and the house is empty, quite and its grey outside, i think this is the lowest i have ever felt since my mum died and that was bad, very bad...........................

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Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:15

Saffy, all you have said is right, he has been planning this for months-he could hardly look me in the eye yesterday...i was asking questions and he just wouldn't answer them, he says he hasn't been happy for a while- if that was the case why didn't he tell me? instead of seeking out an affair?

I just know that they are sleeping together that's the pull for him, but he wont admit it.......i can honesty say that in all the years we were together i was totally devoted to him and never cheated never even thought of it- i thought he was the same- its all such a shock.......

He is also trying to turn me into another person saying I wasn't happy, nagging etc and we didnt have a normal relationship-if he felt like that why didn't he tell me?

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Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:16

Thank you PooPoo i think that's what's making this so difficult i don't have anyone to talk to ...he was that person........

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RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 08:18

Anyone near the OP got a handyman DH/DP who could help get the OPs loft/bathroom sorted?
I do but we are too far away Sad

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 08:20

I think as someone else said it would be a good idea to get in touch with some old friends. Even if its just a short email through facebook. Do any of your old friends live near you? What about your old colleagues?

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:22

The contact thing is difficult, he has been working on the house and its a state the loft isn't finished the bedrooms etc........it is a work in progress, i bought this house because he was a project.......and now he has left me in the middle of a building site...i need his help to finish it.........it will cost a fortune other wise :(

He has left me with no job, friends and with a home that is half finished......nice huh?

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Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:25

He is a handyman in this area- i dont want to bring attention to this thread in case he reads it.......I know where i can get someone else to do it as i worked with supplier etc for the business and have contacts- buts its the cost.........the roof its leaking currently !

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RabidEchidna · 07/03/2012 08:27

Starting, I think it seems as if you have invested every last little bit of yourself in this man who turned out to be unworthy and yes it is going to hurt like mad and you will need time to heal but you can come out of this stronger then you have ever been, although it does not seem like that now.
Make a start today, remove every last bit of him from your home, order some new bedding, paint your bedroom, move the furniture around, make it "yours" anything to get back some control.
Start on the piratical such as bank accounts and money safe guard yourself, and yes It could be a good idea to get him to finish the extension and you go stay with your brother while he does so.
You wont see it now and you may not believe it now but you will move on from this

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:29

Wouldnt it would really sad to email mates that i havent seen for many years and say oh i've just been dumped- wouldnt that look desperate?? :(

I would love to make some new friends but i don't know where to start...........

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PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 08:30

Well you don't have to start the conversation that way!

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:34

Thank you RE, yes i invested my life and soul in him...i cant see how i will move on at the moment.... everyone on here has been wonderful and you are keeping me going....really you are.......i wouldnt have coped without this outlet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:34

PP I know :) but thats how i feel :(

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only4tonight · 07/03/2012 08:37

What about finding an exercise class? A good way to meet people, good for your mood and self esteem and something to get you out of the house. It's win win win.

Or a course?

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 08:38

Starting - I really feel for you.

You will get through this. Just put everything on hold - the loft etc., for a week. It's not going to make any difference in the long term.

Take a week for yourself. Please have no contact with him.

He is following a well worn script; he thinks he's the only man to do what he's done, and to feel the way he's feeling, but he, very sadly to a lot of us ladies cost, he isn't.

None of this is your doing. He is doing what so many men do, and trying to say that you drove him to have an affair. That is utter bullcrap. He is an adult, he had choices, he chose to have an affair. It was nothing to do with your nagging, (I was told this too).

When someone wears you down, it is natural to blame yourself. But please stop soul searching for a reason. He could have decided he was tempted by someone else, then refused that temptation, and spoke to you about how you to could make your relationship stronger. He didn't. He chose an affair. By trying to blame you (and expect him to continue to do this) he is justifying in his selfish head a reason for leaving.

Don't get drawn into discussing anything with him at all. You don't have kids - you can have a clean break. I still have to maintain a 'civil but cold' dialogue with Twunt over our kids; in an ideal world, I'd never clap eyes on the sod again, let alone speak to him.

Please accept that this is going to take time, and you can't rush through the emotions, they take as long as they take. So please put every thing on hold, and give yourself a chance to start to heal.

Eat what you can, cry, rest, come on here and we'll help you get a little bit stronger each day.
X

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:39

Only, i was thinking about volunteering somewhere locally or doing an arts course its just finding the push to do when you feel so low.....

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only4tonight · 07/03/2012 08:49

If I were in your situation I would see about starting a course. Then I would threaten him with either do the work to the house while I was out and quickly or I would be fighting him for half his business between now and forever.

Get the house done, get a lodger (or 2) built in income source and company. Then course, exercise classed, job or voluntary work for a bit. All of which you can legitimately do ion your own while meeting people. This time next year you could be fitter, better educated, richer, have friends and be more confident. You have endless opportunities. Your future is bright and the only person you have to consider or please is you!

Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 08:50

Saffy, for some reason this morning is really bad and i cant seem to stop crying, the dog is getting stressed by this....so i went up into our bedroom his clothes are still in the wardrobe his pillow still smells of him.........i broke down again and had a bit of a panic attack :(

Thank you all so so much- i cant thank you enough........im typing this with tears pouring down my face....life is shit at the moment.

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