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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 15/03/2012 10:06

I thought about getting a lodger but i cant really do that until the house is in a better state.....got some tradesman coming round this weekend to get an idea of price............

OP posts:
only4tonight · 15/03/2012 10:12

Good. Though really you would be shocked to see what some people would live in if the price is right so don't rule it out

Xales · 15/03/2012 10:20

Make sure you have changed the locks and protected your house before you go away as he now knows the place will be empty. You can't trust he doesn't have an extra key cut!!!

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 10:27

That's great that its going to be simple with all the legal stuff.

meredeux · 15/03/2012 10:54

Is it too much to suggest charging him rent for the garage space? Hope the OW has an empty garage for him to use, otherwise his work tools are going to play havoc with those white carpets!

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 10:59

Id give him a deadline to remove his things. Say a week? Its very unreasonable of him to expect you to store all his things when he has left you after having an affair and is now living with another woman.

He won't look after the dog? Fine, you won't look cover his crap.

springydaffs · 15/03/2012 11:02

You haven't yet confirmed that you've changed the locks starting. Please confirm that you have? You can't go away for the w/e if he still has a key and you haven't changed the locks... (don't think he wouldn't do something horrible Sad)

re eating (or not eating). When my heart was a bit broken (not too serious) I couldn't eat either and lived on fruit smoothies. I turned orange! Try to at least drink some soup. Take a multivitamin if you can just to keep you going not just physically but mentally/emotionally too. You need your strength and a clear head.

Glad to hear everything straightforward with the sol. phew.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2012 11:08

Hi Starting.

I have read your thread but not posted. This is so hard and you are doing so well.

I agree that you should change the lock before you go away. I don't think you can trust him not to take things from your house, because he seems to have no real understanding of the harm he's done you, or the fact that he has no entitlement to anything from you any more. I think he would be the kind to just come round and take.

I would ebay his tools. If he wanted them, he should have taken them.

The other thing I was wondering, was whether the van is in your name or his. He might be the registered keeper, but that is different to being the legal owner. If you are the legal owner, then I would get the van back and sell it. You paid for it and he owes you, having left your home in a mess and having allowed you to give up your job, all the time knowing that he was betraying you.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 11:41

What's the difference between the legal owner and registered keeper? I thought they were one and the same.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2012 11:52

You can be the registered keeper, but not be the legal owner. Registered keeper just means that the van might be kept outside his house/insured by him and that he is the one who uses it, but not that he bought it or owns it. I think it says something about this on the registration documents. If the OP can prove that she paid for the van (credit card receipt, or receipt from the garage), then it's hers and she can take it back.

meredeux · 15/03/2012 11:56

So even if he is the registered keeper on the DVLA form, as long as Starting can prove that she paid for it, then it is her van to take back and / or sell.

What if it was paid for out of their joint account?

What if Starting's ex refuses to sign the registration document over to her?

(Sorry, Karma, maybe I'm asking too much)

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 12:06

But he could say it was a gift. I thought the owner was the one whose name its registered in with the dvla.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2012 12:13

I think she ought to ask her solicitor. I'm not an expert, but I do know that owner and keeper are not necessarily the same. Much depends on whether she bought it in his name or if he is registered him as owner as well as keeper.

As things stand though, she has paid for it and written it off as money lost and it might not necessarily be that way, depending on how it was purchased and how the paperwork was filled in.

I'm guessing that if it came from a joint account, her claim is equal to his. He can claim it was a gift, but it's his word against hers.

It might come to nothing, but it is definitely worth investigating. She quit her job to help in the business - if she can prove what she has financed for that business, then she might be able to reclaim some of her losses.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 15/03/2012 12:27

TBH, i dont want to get into a tit for tat situation with him......i just want him to collect his stuff and go......Ive got all receipts etc, so if it did get nasty later on.....i could go for the van etc...but at this stage i dont think it will help......

I just want a clean break....

He gave me his keys but yes if i did go away for the weekend i would change the locks beforehand....

So much to think about!

OP posts:
meredeux · 15/03/2012 12:29

The DVLA form now says in huge letters across the top "this document is not proof of ownership".

I'd get this sorted out asap because if he hears that you are claiming the van belongs to you and he sells it, then it will be very difficult to sort out.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 12:35

Are you sure you won't need the money though?

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 13:09

Tbh I wouldn't go after the van either as I wouldn't want to be seen as the vengeful ex. Much more dignity to be had walking away with head held high. Also coping is the best form of revenge.

Inertia · 15/03/2012 14:07

Can you get your solicitor to draw up an agreement that you will renounce all claim on his business as long as he renounces all claims to the house? (Don't know whether that's a real legal thing, but it might be the most clear-cut way forward). And agree with you that he needs to move his stuff out or start paying a storage fee.

Totally agree with PPs re changing the locks (or adding an extra lock to each door) as he may have copies of keys, and also about using professional dog care services. Trying to get Ex to share dog care will result in him pissing you about over it , probably when you've got job interviews etc lined up.

You sound really on top of things today!

SlightlyJaded · 15/03/2012 14:11

What only said

Unless you are absolutely desperate, leave the van - keep your dignity.

I am glad he is showing his true cocklodging colours so soon, so often they spend months being 'Mr Reasonable and Lovely' and it makes it even harder.

Starting as I think I have said with every one of my posts on this thread, you are being amazing - inspirational. Keep going

QuintessentialyHollow · 15/03/2012 14:13

Have you had an estate agent in to value the property as it is now, after your ex has "butchered" it?

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2012 14:15

I know you don't want to get into a tit for tat with him, but he has left you in a house which will require a lot of money to be spent on it and with no job.

I wouldn't worry about being seen as a vengeful ex, it doesn't matter any more what he thinks. What matters is protecting yourself, financially, as much as you can.

At the very least, I would ask the solicitor for their advice regarding this. If it would be very hard to do and you truly don't feel up to it, then fair enough, but it might be something that a solicitor could sort for you, relatively straight forwardly.

QuintessentialyHollow · 15/03/2012 14:25

If you are the rightful owner of the van, he can buy it from you. Or you can sell it to cover some of your costs. Dont be a mug (not that I think you are), and dont feel sorry for him.

mathanxiety · 15/03/2012 14:41

He sounds like a really happy camper, doesn't he, already drowning his sorrows in white carpet heaven.

I second (third, fourth, etc) all the advice about the dog dog walking services from people who like dogs are the way to go and if you can get the place fixed up, getting a lodger who would be willing to do a bit of dog care might be worth examining. Don't rely on ex for any practical help. You will only end up dealing with endless Drama and last minute hitches, to say nothing of the drain your energy while he is still hovering there. It must hurt to hear his rejection of the dog there is probably a bit of projection of your own hurt there too. Shows you what a nasty person he is.

I would be inclined to keep the van as a bargaining chip and be prepared to use it; ex doesn't seem to be the sort of person who will get himself organised enough to go after you, but the OW is an unknown quantity and may have the resources needed to mount a campaign for your assets. If he is willing to waive any rights he has to your property in return for the van (if you are the registered owner) then I would not hesitate to let him have it (maybe bargain him down from asking for a fair price for it to having him think he is lucky to be getting it in return for giving up the house and your savings). If you are the registered keeper then I would go after him for any outlay of cash you are forced to make too (insurance, tax, parking charges). If you're able to get him to sign over any rights he may have to your assets quickly then he may be placed on the back foot and just sign.

charlearose · 15/03/2012 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saffysmum · 15/03/2012 21:34

Do you realise how far you've come in such a short time hun? You are a different woman! So proud of you.

Of course he's angry and hates you.....how very dare you prove to be a strong woman who can live without him....it's in the script - you've taken away his plan B (go back to the little woman if I change my mind). How very dare you Smile x