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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 14/03/2012 09:58

Morning LW, I am working on that now going through our history etc compiling as much information as I can....... :) Feeling quite bright this morning.....

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 14/03/2012 10:02

Good - you should be - you are coping really well

The solictor will help you get this moving to get him rid for good and make sure he gets as little as possible from you.

Keep us posted x

SlightlyJaded · 14/03/2012 10:22

Morning Starting

I honestly think this thread should be linked to in future years as inspiration to people in your shoes. You are showing such strength.

Good luck at the solicitors. And remember to take pics of the house as he left it.

RoxyRobin · 14/03/2012 10:29

Hope solicitor's a good'un!

Silverthorns · 14/03/2012 10:35

Wow. Great advice here.

He actually feels entitled to take what's yours, doesn't he? Your (unpaid) time for his business, the money in your bank for his dds, your profit from your house and no doubt anything else he can squeeze out of you. Please don't let him take anything else!

southlundon · 14/03/2012 12:25

Don't know what time your solicitor appointment is but good luck for it Smile

cenicienta · 14/03/2012 13:52

And it seems he really does expect you to just roll over and let him take whatever he wants.

He's going to get such a shock when you say no to him. He won't see that coming at all!

Even better when your only response to him is "My solicitor will be contacting you soon about this".

Hope all goes well today!

CurrySpice · 14/03/2012 19:34

How did it go Starting? Well I hope

I, for one, would like to he there when you first start a sentence with the words "my solicitor..." Grin

PooPooInMyToes · 14/03/2012 20:03

Are you ok?

SlightlyJaded · 14/03/2012 23:10

Hey Starting - hope today went well and that everything is ok?

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 08:16

Morning starting. How did it go yesterday?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 15/03/2012 08:48

Hi All,

Managed to get 8 hours sleep last night :) But still not eating properly...

Went to solictors all seems quite straightforward with regards to house...all in all it should be a clean break :)- he may have a claim but it wouldn't be much it would cost him more to go to court.....

Thought i might go to my brothers this weekend for a change of scenery instead of him coming to me....asked EXDP if he would look after dog....all hell broke loose...OW has white carpets doesn't like big dogs etc....

We hadnt actually discussed arrangements about the dog ling term...he knows that when i get a new job it will probably involve travel which means i will need help with the dog....i thought he missed the dog and would be happy to help with him.....apparently not...

Then he proceeded to tell me how much he hates me, doesnt love me etc........he was drunk- it was only 19.00 ......I can honestly say that although what he said hurt......i am now beginning to hate his guts yipee! :)

Beautiful sunny day today :)

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 15/03/2012 08:55

I would hold back on buying those new clothes that you were looking at the other day .. looks like you're going to need a smaller size (or two!) You really should try and eat something though - soup or tinned ravioli or beans on toast .. and drink plenty of fluids

If you can't take the dog to your brother's I'm sure there will be boarding kennels where the dog can go for a night or two - it won't do him any harm and it will give you a much needed change of scenery

Good news that you should have a clean break - he is a tosser and you are well rid!!

RoxyRobin · 15/03/2012 09:07

Just what you wanted to hear from the solicitor! Smile

It's not nice to hear from someone that they hate you, but in fact it's better he's done this. If he was soppily claiming that he really cared for you but ... it might undermine your recovery.

Lovely Spring day here, too - time for rebirth!

Silverthorns · 15/03/2012 09:18

What a nob, sorry he was so horrible to you although hopefully it will be helpful.

I think you need to work out other arrangements for the dog too - you need to not rely on him for anything.

RoxyRobin · 15/03/2012 09:24

Just been thinking about his behaviour. No wonder he hates you! He's just received a massive blow to his ego. According to his script, you're still supposed to be a sobbing wreck not knowing how you can live without him, and here you are showing every sign of being all but over him.

He's going to hate those white carpets before long, too Grin

meredeux · 15/03/2012 09:25

but you called him! It is time to go cold turkey... (Has he collected his stuff yet?)

SlightlyJaded · 15/03/2012 09:27

white carpets?

how tacky Grin

Silverthorns · 15/03/2012 09:28

In fact, you need to really think about what you want to do about the dog. Realistically, you can't share him or expect help. He'll have to be either your dog or his. You can get kennels if you end up working away again, but you can't treat the dog as a child that you get to share custody of, it's keeping a link, and you need a clean break.

mummytime · 15/03/2012 09:35

You do not want to share custody of the dog. My old neighbours have someone in their Road who does this. When it's there it howls a lot as it is lonely, and I'm sure that ex partner only insists on having it to control the other. Look around there might be a nice dog walking service which can take car of the dog.
If you do go away make sure you have changed all locks and increased security first.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 15/03/2012 09:44

He hasnt collected all his stuff yet....i still have his car and tools etc...some paperwork etc.....all his clothes are gone, he took some that i gave him and the rest are in the garage.....

I love my dog and i thought he did too.....he is a big dog (what he wanted) and can be hard to handle due to his size.......i want to keep him with me but i will also need to work i may get something in London but i may need to travel up north and stay 3-4 nights a week......ill have to see what happens work wise and then make a decision..... :(

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 15/03/2012 09:49

My sister (single) had two dogs and used a dog walker when she was at work and kennels when she had to go away. There are loads of people doing dog-walking these days - the recession, I suppose. Anyway, it all worked well and the dogs seemed quite happy.

Sounds as if you don't have any choice as your Ex isn't willing to participate - but he might change his tune if he thinks there may be something in it for him. Agree that it would be a Very Bad Idea indeed. He must play no part in your life, and have no power over you - for example, being able to say yea or nay to helping you out with the dog. You don't need him when you can set up professional dog-support.

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 09:56

Well the good news is he doesn't want bully. See if your solicitor could get this in writing. NOT you. You no longer need to speak to him. AT ALL.

Of course he hates you. Until now he never realised how you held him up. Now he has no home (read its ow house he has no say) his business is about to go tits up because he doesn't know how to do the books or the plans or any of the admin. He has lost his future over a quick shag and now he can't face the fact it is his fault. When you are not around to blame he will blame ow. Do not feel sorry for him it is all his own doing!

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 09:58

Maybe you could get a dog loving lodger and reduce the rent if they help look after him. Au pair style but with dogs

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 09:59

Or if the job is up north you could move there and take bully with you.

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