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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 13/03/2012 19:07

Hi All,

Went to the hairdressers really enjoyed that........ didn't do that much when we were together..........

Having a bit of a bad evening panicking about the house....he pretends to be the good guy but after ripping my heart out is now trying to come back and pick over the bones.

Seeing the solicitor tomorrow so that will help.....thank you for all you advice it really helps to put things in perspective.

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/03/2012 19:13

I third what Math said. You need records that make it crystal clear that he has decreased the value of the house (if this is so), absolutely do not let him in the house again to do work or otherwise, and only allow qualified professionals in to do anything urgent. (Might be worth avoiding starting on any improvements until the settlement's finalised).

Also, don't write off the costs of his business. Make sure you have details of all the money owed to you by the business- unpaid salary, cost of the van and tools and materials.

He has fleeced you once- please don't let him do it again because you feel sorry for him, or because it seems easier to write off what the business owes you. Unless you get a rock solid agreement sorted by your solicitor, you Ex will keep coming back for money until he's bled you dry.

Yes, times are hard, there's a recession on. He knew there was a recession on when he started his own business andpersuaded you to leave your job and started shagging around with another woman. He made this choice.

You are doing really well Starting, you sound so much stronger since the revelations about his utter twattishness have emerged from your conversations with him. Please do try to avoid taking his calls though- or if you want to respond , "My solicitor will be dealing with all these issues". And if you really really can't avoid talking to him, make it clear that you anticipate that once it's all worked out he'll owe you money- might at least make him back off.

I agree with the PP who suggested sticking all his stuff in the garage. I'd then change the locks in the house.

Stay strong! And hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well.

Inertia · 13/03/2012 19:17

Just to add- him doing the loft wouldn't actually be helping you. For one thing he'd be around you which is the last thing you'd need; he has no other work on and would doubtless want money for materials / his wages upfront because he needs to fund his lovelife with OW; evidence suggests he'd do a poor job; and finally he's realised that he's up shit creek if the house is in your name and he's added no value to it. Him doing the loft would only be bad news for you.

springydaffs · 13/03/2012 19:25

I wouldn't let him know he's up shit creek re the house. I'd keep shtum about that. I think that even just talking to him you're on a sticky wicket. He broke your heart and those feelings don't go away overnight - just hearing his voice is probably hard. The priority is to get yourself sorted practically iyswim. Your heart will follow.

fengirl1 · 13/03/2012 19:28

Forgot to say - and may have already been suggested - get caller display on your landline, don't answer if you know it's him. If you have an answer machine, turn it off and tell everyone who you do want to talk to your new mobile number because it would be sensible to change it. Get all of your locks changed, but if you can't afford this get one done and leave keys in the inside of the others to stop someone using them. He needs to get the message loud and clear you want no more to do with him. Text him to tell him so from your old mobile number right before you change
It!

mathanxiety · 13/03/2012 19:51

I agree you need to play your cards close to your chest here. Don't tell him you have a handyman or an estate agent coming around, or why. Best not to talk at all with him.

Pick the brains of your solicitor and be persistent in this. It might take a little while for the sol to get the full picture and therefore for you to have a better idea of where you stand.

LiarsWife · 13/03/2012 20:59

Remember the solicitor is not your pal so save the gory details and tell her what she needs to know to advise you and have a list of everything you need to ask x

PooPooInMyToes · 13/03/2012 21:33

What a cunt! Sorry just caught up.

What does his business do out of interest?

Glad you went to the pictures. Bet that was nice.

Oh and move to London!

charlearose · 13/03/2012 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses · 13/03/2012 21:55

Wow, you're getting some really good practical advice here, Starting. Mumsnet at its best!

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 13/03/2012 22:15

Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice ......

Prior to this bombshell.....i thought he was the one...forever...yes we had some problems, but i NEVER thought he would do this to me, just up and leave......This has been and continues to be one of the most difficult times of my life......

The thing that i think hurts the most is the change in the man.....this time last week he came across as a loving , caring and loyal partner.....in just one week, he now treats me with disdain something to be forgotten, something in the way of his new life......

As i am not as wise in the way of these men as some of you wonderful ladies...i didn?t see it coming and when it did it nearly crushed me, left and with no social circle to fall back on i could have floundered and nearly did except for the help and kindness of so many of you.

I cant believe how much my life has changed in one week but i AM feeling stronger even now...slowly but surely im starting to see that the man i once knew has gone FOREVER and has been replaced by a person who longer cares for me or has my best interests at heart, i now understand that i can no longer lean or cling to him for any kind of help and that i must make a new life for myself alone.....not lonely...but alone.

He won?t be doing any more work on this house, after all the freeloading he has had off me it would have been cheaper to get builders in in the first place.... :)

I can and will sort all of this out and make MY decision as to what I want to do...... :)

OP posts:
Xales · 13/03/2012 22:23

Fabulous strong post Starting.

Print it off and stick it next to your phone Smile

fengirl1 · 13/03/2012 22:28

FWIW, I don't think we are all wiser than you - some of us have been in your shoes and have learnt from the experience. Don't beat yourself up about it - you just put your faith in someone because you thought you could trust them. Now you know better and are ready to move on. X

tallwivglasses · 13/03/2012 22:34

Here's to you, Starting Wine x

AllQuietOnThePippisFront · 13/03/2012 22:56

starting I have been following this thread but have not posted before because i had no advice and was shocked at the speed of the events and the changes in P.
But I want to salute you for you seem to have reacted in the best way possible, despite the total heartbreak. Well done to you and you can only go upwards and onwards from here. try to remember that. (I will so do myself.)

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 23:04

Well said starting Wine cheers

Doha · 13/03/2012 23:04

Another lurker here Starting , not posting but cheering you on from the sidelines,
, go girl go girl go girl..

have a Wine or Brew what ever you prefer on me

UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/03/2012 23:10

Clinks glasses with tallwiv. Wine

You have done amazingly well. You will survive this and your life will be enriched. You will know yourself more. Your ex will discover that it's a cold unforgiving and really very average and savage world out there for the cheaters and users.

You will have moved on by the time he realises what he's lost.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2012 23:13

starting you rock

springydaffs · 13/03/2012 23:31

high praise from AF there! well-deserved too! Grin

we've been through it, tis all (unfortunately) and can spot the things these types get up to, know all about the strategies - and so will you after all this. When someone stumbles across your path who is going through the same thing, you'll be the one dishing out the advice!

You did nothing wrong at all starting. You loved and you trusted, which is what relationships are - or should be - about. He is the one who has reneged on your mutual agreement, not you.

Glad to see you're back on the front foot. Well done girl.

crazynell · 14/03/2012 00:03

Starting, or sparkle (this is your new name as you are now sparkling) Its not about being wise in the ways of men and not seeing it coming - if you are a good person yourself then you expect people to be like you, so you assume that that is what they will be -so it isn't that you didn't see it coming - you didn't expect it - you trusted him to be kind loyal and decent - don't blame yourself for it - you made a mistake, learn from it and move on a little tougher and wiser - but don't get to distrust men cause they're not all bad - i found a good one after two bad - so you will too.
I'm off to london tomorrow to see my niece - see you friday when i'm back

Prforone · 14/03/2012 00:42

Hi Starting, I've been absent for a while but have just caught up on your thread. I'm so pleased to read that you're doing AMAZINGLY well. You go, girl!!!!

008 · 14/03/2012 05:57

Morning Starting!

Right, solicitors today ... have you written a list of questions and things you want to clarify?

Am shaking a pom pom for you x

only4tonight · 14/03/2012 07:52

Morning starting good luck for today. I will be thinking of you.

LiarsWife · 14/03/2012 08:54

Morning! Hope the solicitors meeting goes well.

Have you got a list of questions prepared? x

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