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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 13/03/2012 11:37

Springy...not at all....i thank you for being so angry for me!!

Received call from him today......hes struggling....very little work doesn't know how to do admin stuff etc.....says hes trying to sort himself out.....ahhhhhhhhh feel so sorry for him...what the fuck about me he doesn't even ask how i am getting on........

Anyway then he says can he come round and finish loft next week.....i said i haven't said you can do it.....he says oh....!?!? :)

Next thing he slips into the conversation... that hes happy to 'help' me fix the house....BUT HE WOULD EXPECT ME TO GIVE HIM SOME MONEY IF I SOLD IT AND MADE A PROFIT........AND THERE IT IS........ :) .i have finally realised that he is just keeping me on side in case he runs out of money.....his family has no money...so i am the only one who can help him......WHAT ABOUT HIS OW?

I am seeing my solicitor tomorrow and so will clarify my position with him..i have the Estate Agent coming on Friday and tradesman in-between....

I am also seeing my solicitor on Wednesday...........I am really really starting to hate him now.....he has totally become a different person over these last few months and i really think that if i let him...he would rip me off.................

I'm off to the hairdressers soon Grin COLD TURKEY FROM NOW OTHER THAN WHEN NECESSARY

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/03/2012 11:46

ata girl!

undermyskin · 13/03/2012 11:46

He's not going to be doing the loft is he Starting? I'd tell him the answer is 'no' or 'you have someone else to do it'

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 11:46

On some ways starting I am glad he is acting like an arse. It means you are seeing him for what he is. But I am sorry it is hurting you.

You need to be prepared for him to go after the house. Especially if he is already getting desperate. You need to be prepared to go after his business in retaliation. Even if you don't want it you need that bargaining tool there.

mummytime · 13/03/2012 11:51

He really isn't very bright is he? Which is very good for you, as he's now shown you his hand.
So now go and have a fab hair cut and get rid of him ASAP.

Babieseverywhere · 13/03/2012 11:54

Is it worth taking photos with date stamp of all the DIY, he has left unfinished before you get any work done on the house by third party. Then if exH tries to claim he has added value to your house, you can counter sue for the state he left the house in ?

sassy34264 · 13/03/2012 11:55

wow starting you are doing so well!

hate is your friend at this stage.

eventually you will be indifferent/pitying at how pathetic he is.

and you will DEFINATELY 100% guaranteed -stake my house on it- be grateful that the stupid clueless man stealer waved her bits at him! silly cow.
he sounds a prize catch, with a floundering business, no property and no money!

just remember when you stop contact that even though there will be times when you are dying to contact him, maybe even crying and in the depths of despair- he wont know that. he will think you are strong and moving on.........and he wont like it.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 13/03/2012 11:55

He He :) ...hes unbelievable isn't he...told you he wasn't that smart....

Then he says....its alright for you... you've got money in the bank (not that much!!) ...yes what i worked my butt off for while you were at home playing handyman......

He made his bed now he can lie in it...with the OW :) - i wouldn't take him back if he begged on his hands and knees......if fact him being like this is making me feel better as it is easier to hate him.....

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 13/03/2012 11:58

Have just read the entire thing. Startingagain - it is interesting for you to have this thread and be able to read back and see your highs and Lows. It might not seem like it at the moment but pretty soon the good days will start to outweigh the bad.

I'd start going through the room soon, bunging his stuff in bin bags. Throw it in the garage with his tools and text him to get them all one day when you're not there. I'd also change the locks if he has a key.

I wouldn't talk to him again when he rings. Tell him everything that needs to be arranged can be done by text.

He really takes the biscuit doesn't he?? -
i'm leaving you after 15 years, but you were never really happy with me were you?, we were more like brother and sister, she isn't my OW, she is my OW, i'll come and finish the roof, can you make sure the DD's keep getting paid to the end of the month?, oh and btw i'll finish the loft, just make sure i get a share when you sell it please.

I'll bet he'll come crawling back before too long, declaring his undying love when he's skint and can't call on your business expertise and you will be getting on with your nice new life without him. HA!

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 12:01

How much do you want to bet he is getting money off ow saying that when you sell the house he gets the profit. I would also bet that is what he is giving as the reason for keeping in touch with you.

He so underestimated you , your intelligence, your fight and he never counted on you having us.

captainmummy · 13/03/2012 12:05

cold turkey - def. cold turkey. As I said, 25 years after 'D'F left mum, she is still getting calls.

Well done with the sols, estate agents, Haircut.

Sorry to say but he might have a claim on the house - if he did work on it which improved the value. But you put into his business, funded his van, did paperwork for his work so you can claim that you helped his business. That should negate any claim he makes

RoxyRobin · 13/03/2012 12:06

Well, it hasn't taken him long to show his true colours. Yes - he would rip you off if he could, without any qualms whatsoever. He's taken from you emotionally - make sure he doesn't take from you financially, too.

This sounds just like DH's brother confidently thinking he could sponge off poor SIL after he'd shit on her.

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 12:08

Have you told us that story roxy?

boredandrestless · 13/03/2012 12:26

"Well, it hasn't taken him long to show his true colours. Yes - he would rip you off if he could, without any qualms whatsoever. He's taken from you emotionally - make sure he doesn't take from you financially, too." Wise words Roxy.

He was also probably hoping you would do his admin work for his business if he 'helped' you out with the house (as well as going for some of the profits from the sale). What a git!

Definitely keep contact to zero. If he wants anything in the house/garage again then leave it outside/garage open at a time you have informed him of and go out. Does he still have keys? If he does change the locks or put an extra lock on, whichever is cheaper.

RoxyRobin · 13/03/2012 12:31

Yes - near the beginning of the thread (seems like aeons ago, doesn't it?). They'd been married for years and had three children when she found out he'd been cheating on her. She ended up divorcing him but he crawled back to her spouting the usual bollocks (worst mistake of my life, it's you I really love, blah, blah, bleurgh). She took him back and even remarried him! DH had to hand me the smelling salts when I heard the news.

Following the script, he started seeing the OW again (if he'd ever stopped). SIL found out and got rid for good this time. She'd got her life back together and bought a little house of her own. He had the nerve to turn up there bemoaning his penury and asking for money. She wasn't even shocked - she'd got the measure of the man. She asked why he couldn't get it from the OW, and he said she had loads of debts too. Needless to say he got the bum's rush. He went on to cheat on OW too!

Is there a special place they breed these men? I think we should be told so we can bomb it.

springydaffs · 13/03/2012 12:33

Sorry to say but he might have a claim on the house - if he did work on it which improved the value

As things stand, he has taken apart the house, not put it back together though he had plenty of time to do it . Surely, he will have decreased the value of the house?

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 12:44

Oh that's a good point Springy. Don't be scared of what the estate agents tell you about the house starting we can plan our way around most things. You may even be able to hawk his tools and van on ebay to pay for the repairs.

ScottOfTheArseAntics · 13/03/2012 13:18

Wow. I have read the entire thread and you are doing so well! He has really shown his true colours with that last communication. He doesn't want to stay you but he wants to take your money! Cheeky bastard.

If I were you I wouldn't let him so much as pick up a hammer in your house. If he starts asking for money based on what he has done already you should point out that he actually owes you. If anything tell him he should be finishing off your loft free of charge in order for it to be anywhere near quits.

Stay strong, you sound like you could have a great old life without him.

springydaffs · 13/03/2012 13:28

But if he does the work on the loft, he'll be in a position to claim some of the profits when the house is sold? Also, he'd be in startings face, in her home , which is the very last thing she needs

imo!

crazynell · 13/03/2012 15:00

oohh Cheeky ba**d - he's showing his true colours isn't?? And i like these sparks that are flying - like fireworks or electricity :) I'm going to start calling you Sparky, not Starting :)

Good idea about the photos to show the state he's left the house in.

My ex ex - whined on about not being able to manage financially when i left him, so like an idiot i continued to pay my share of the mortgage, then i agreed to take a small sum as my share of the flat, Despite me living in the YMCA and having nowhere to live or much money in the bank. THEN when I'd signed to say i'd take a few thousand -against the advice of my friends who thought i was bonkers - surprise surprise, he goes and sells it for a big profit - He might have had the money but i had the happiness and was well shot of him and his money grabbing ways.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2012 15:19

Get several estimates from contractors for the work, in writing. Ask them to be very detailed, especially when it comes to problems they find in the plumbing and electrical area. Did you have permits from your LA for the renovation?

Get the estate agent estimate in writing. Maybe get a second opinion too?

Photos or a video tour with closeups are a great idea.

The worse the picture that emerges the better for you.

Keep absolutely everything you have done for him for his business -- all those leads, all the contacts you made.

Find the records of the van purchase.
Did you buy his tools for him?

You must not let him set foot in the house again, and he absolutely must not do any more work there.

He is showing his true colours now. He has mentioned the fact that you have a house and money in the bank. He intends to go after your assets.
'How much do you want to bet he is getting money off ow saying that when you sell the house he gets the profit. I would also bet that is what he is giving as the reason for keeping in touch with you.' I would be willing to bet the farm on this.

southlundon · 13/03/2012 15:45

I agree with mathanxiety - he is definitely going to try to get something from you financially. What a bastard.

Were you seeing your solicitor today as well as tomorrow? I hope they've been helpful if so.

fengirl1 · 13/03/2012 17:49

To add my view, if you've still got the details from when you bought the house and can show there is no added value or you've lost a bit he's stumped. Even if your house had gained, tell him to get knotted and tell him you'll fight him in court (and expect him to pay the costs if he loses - which he will). I think you'll find he'll give up on this pretty quickly. Once you've got that out of the way, forget about the whole thing.

Xales · 13/03/2012 18:26

Make sure if there has been any increase that you find out if that is just market increase rather than work added value.

Good luck.

only4tonight · 13/03/2012 18:55

Also ask the agent for 1 valuation as to what they actually expect it to achieve (conservative estimate at best) and another to what they suggest you market it at to achieve the best possible price. In this market there will ne a significantdifference between these 2 values.

All that aside. How have you been today

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