In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

I couldn't put it better than Izzy!!

Starting you are doing so well ... Getting rid of his stuff will only make you feel better ...x

I've purloined the following poem that Legoballoon posted on another thread to reproduce here for you:

'Love after Love' by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes.
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

It occurs to me that when you are looking in that mirror, you'll see your dm standing with her hand on your shoulder and you'll hear her say 'well done, my darling girl'.

Thank you for that wonderful poem, Izzy (and Legoballoon)

Your bully won't fit in the car?!?!?! Are you sure it is a dog and not a horse??

Question for you. If you take out your history with this man and emotional attachment would you be friends with anyone who treated you this way or would you just jog on by?

My opinion. He want's to stay friends so he doesn't look bad. He can say 'well it just wasn't working but Starting and I are still friends...' It's bullshit to make him feel better.

Oh and to keep stringing you along a little that he still cares and wants to be friends... Maybe more when the grass is less green with her.

All credit for bringing this particular poem to attention of this board is due to legoballoon, math. All I did was nick it!

Mistake! I googled bullmastif now I want one. Dh is allergic to dogs. Despite him being one of the good guys I dis find myself weighing up which 1 I wanted more. Dh won JUST

I'm away from m mn for a day and i come back there's 2 pages more - loads of wise words of advice and humour too.

Starting, you're doing brilliantly - i'm proud of you.

Idiotboy one minute criticises you and blames his straying to ow, leaving you in the sh*t and the next minute he wants to be your friend - only so he can feel better about what he's done to you. He needs to grow up - mind, he's not your problem - let ow be his carer now - its her job anyway.

i meant to say "he blames his straying to ow on you"

Oh. My. God. Those dogs are lovely. Are you people trying to lead me into divorce?

Starting, I have read through all your thread and you have done so well!!!! Keep it up, you deserve a lovely future to look forward too !
The only thing I was going to mention was you must be careful when he says he will come over and do work on the house : a family friend was in a similar situation once before, and even though she owned the house , he tried to prove he had done (serious) work on it, therefore I think sometimes they can try and claim on the property even though they don't own it. So please don't let him do anything just in case, I am sure its not the case and your solicitor would explain much better, but better to be safe than sorry. Hope you have a lovely evening

Hi,you ladies are the most wonderful support to me and are helping me through one of the worst times in my life, you are holding my hand through it all :)

Izzy thank you so much for that wonderful poem...that and the bit about my mum with her hand on my shoulder made me shed a tear...........

I do realise that for my EXDP and i to be friends would benefit him and be detrimental for me......however i find myself not wanting to accept that he will no longer be in my life in any shape or form.......its a massive change

Bullys are the best :)

You are doing really well hun!

1. You're on a roller coaster, you just have to ride it (in the words of Ronan Keating). It will take as long as it takes. Accept each dip and each high, acknowledge it, and go through it.

1. The script. Page 210. He wants to be friends. Of course he does - to make himself feel better. Meanwhile, back in the real world - the very suggestion is nonsense. So scoff at it, and move on. Tell him to look up the definition of 'friend' in the OED, and he will soon see that he doesn't meet the criteria. Twunt.

1. Love that you are thinking about making changes around the home. And it is. A home. So put your stamp on it, do what you want to do.

1. Like the sound of the doggy. Although I have cats, I totally understand that you love your bully, and bully needs you. Go for lots of walks and share cuddles. My three cats sleep with me every night, and I love them. Even the fat ginger tom who snores and farts for England. I love especially that he pees up the rear wheel of Twunt's car every time he visits the kids.

1. Take each day as it comes. Some days will be lousy, (I still have them, but few and far between) and lots will be ok. Some will be good. Relish the good days.

1. Eat.

1. Sleep, nap, rest.

1. No contact

1. Like that you don't obsessively blame the OW. I don't blame Twunt's OW either. In fact, if I met the poor cow, I'd shake her by the hand and thank her for saving my life.

10. Don't dwell on what's ahead, think about how far you've travelled...in just a week or so!

XX

Hi Saffy,

Im managing to do a lot of the things on your list...except eating I'm really struggling with that......sleep is getting better though.

The contact thing is difficult at the moment -hes using excuses to contact and then either starts going on about being friends why he left etc or telling me he doesnt want to talk about it and i need to move on......

Went to Estate Agents today to get someone round to value the house in its current state, also waiting on some tradesman to contact me re quotes so i am getting there slowy........thank you all for bearing with me!

It's only 6 days since you started posting. You have done a lot!

Keep going. We are all here to hold your hand when you go down again.

Congratulations. You are doing really well.

Wow. Am v impressed with the cleaning and the Estate Agents and tradesmen. I think you´ve accomplished more in the last few days on your own than he managed in months ...

What´s on the list for today?

I still have inlaws here, who, actually, are being great fun at the moment. So am off to deliver a birthday pressie and have breakfast with them. I suggest you take yourself out for a large coffee and something gooey at some point today.

008 x

At least you recognize his gameplan. He aims to be scriptwriter, director and starring actor in his drama, and thinks you're going to accept the part he's cast you for - and it's not even the leading lady!

You are doing amazingly - I'm well impressed. Most people find it difficult to cope with change even when they've instigated it themselves, but you've had change thrust upon you without warning. You're bound to have moments of self-doubt - just don't let the git take advantage of them.

My DSis's dog used to hate men and would growl menacingly at them (he was a rescue and she thinks he'd been ill-treated by a man) - pity yours couldn't be like this, though exclusively with your Ex!

Hi Starting - your post about not wanting him totally out of your life struck a chord with me. My father left my mum after 25 years,having met a OW. He told her by letter that he was not coming home - he was army and posted abroad; she got the letter on the very day he was supposed to be home for good. It caused a huge falling-out between us dc. Anyway, it's been 25 years since then, and he still phones mum, about once a month or so, even tho he lives 200miles away, and has only seen her once in that time (at my wedding - against my better judgement i was forced into inviting him, but thats a whole nother thread).

She used to torture herself - is he coming back? Is he happy with her? Why does he phone me even now? (OW doesn't know he phones) I think now it's a habit on both sides and she would rather he didnt phone, but she missed him so much when he left. I suppose he thought he was helpiing her through it (even tho he was the cause) but i think that a clean break would have been much better for her.

I understand that feeling starting. You don't have to make forever decisions now. Try saying no contact for a month to start off with to give you some space. Then see how you feel after that.

But first things first. Eat!

Hang on a minute. Just hang. on. a. minute.

things had got a bit stale over the last six months and we were arguing more

BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!

Starting, you were flying high on here... then you spoke to him (at length by the sound of it ).. then you plummetted

The facts ON PAPER are that he was having an affair, and was therefore absent from the relationship. This went on for months. He wasn't UNHAPPY. He was very HAPPY. He was cosy in a house he did fuck all towards, he was shagging some bint on the side - win/win (for him). Then he decides that he's going to shack up with bint. Tells you in 20 minutes (after 15 YEARS TOGETHER) then runs out the door. You call him, in a state, ask if he's with OW. He goes silent the fucking arsehole

THEN he wants to keep you sweet. Asks you for money to tide him over the fucking arsehole . Says he'll come over to finish off the house so that he can put a financial claim on the house further down the line . He says he doesn't want to talk about the ins and outs of what he's done the fucking arsehole because he would feel pretty bad and, anyway, HE'S OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND IS NOT INTERESTED IN IT ANYMORE.

Being blunt here - very necessary. Cruel to be kind (sorry)

HE WANTS IT ALL WAYS - can you see that? He wants to keep the cosy side of his life - you, your house, your money - and he wants also to have his bit of stuff to shag and shack up with.

He makes excuses to call you - to keep you sweet, keep you on the back burner. HE IS BEING STAGGERINGLY CRUEL AND SELFISH. I hope you can see that.

Meanwhile, you're a fabulous high-flier and even though your heart has been ripped out of your chest, you are setting-to to get things in order. The only flaw is that you're talking to him. Please, DON'T TALK TO HIM. Maybe at a future date you will look at this thread and see how you plummetted when you spoke to him, went (almost) right back to where you were.

DON'T take caller-witheld calls. DON'T see him. DON'T talk to him. It'll be very very hard but, honey, cold turkey, as hard as it is, is infinitely less painful than the long drawn out recovery that has him with his hand firmly clamped around your ankle to stop you flying. He has made it abundantly clear what he's about, what sort of person he is. a fucking arsehole . You don't need to talk to him. It's not a blip.

You will fly - that is clear. You will look back at this and thank God with your whole heart that it happened. Because it set you free to live a truly great life. It is so clear that you have it in you and that he the fucking arsehole held you back. For 15 years!

I'm on your side here, starting

worried I was too tough now

Springy I am a huge fan of tough love. Both giving out and receiving. Of course that may be the reason I don't have many friends ..........

Totally agree with springy - cold turkey definitely required. Easy for us to say, I know, but honestly...