Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:28

we are bearing with you, but when you write stuff like you just did, we have to counter it

it wouldn't be fair for us to say "yes, you give him money, the poor love is having a bad time, and you are right to feel sorry for him"

no

stop rescuing him

he has fucked you over...and you are still looking after his feelings ?

it's a hard habit to break, sure it is, but the sooner you start recognising you are doing it and stop doing it the better for you

Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:30

He'll always be asking you for more money, do you realise that? This won't be a one off.

He's been exploiting you for your money for years. Count up how much he's actually cost you. It'll be a lot.

He will leave you with literally nothing if he lets you. He obviously sees you as a cash point for his own personal use.

The money he needs for his daughters could be spent on fixing your roof.

fengirl1 · 07/03/2012 19:31

Starting - I think you need to ask yourself why you are asking for help and why people are advising you the way they are. What you do with the advice is your choice - but people are saying what they are saying based on their own experiences, whereas you are new to all of this. I know this is incredibly painful for you, but if you go along with your ex all you are doing is prolonging the agony. Find some of the anger you had and do something productive with it. You will feel much better and CAN do it.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 19:31

Why is he abusive? Didn't see that? A twat yes but abusive?!

QueenCess · 07/03/2012 19:31

You are going to keep repeating this aren't you because you are fundamentally co-dependent.

The best thing you could do is stop thinking of yourself as a passive victim in all this and start taking control. Consider your self respect. At the moment you are lurching from one emotionally traumatic exchange to another and at some level you are being rewarded.

I think a therapist might help you unravel this.

Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:31

It's OK to feel sorry for him. It's understandable. He's very manipulative.

The thing to realise is that just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on it. You can say sincerely, "I'm very sorry you're in such a difficult position" and then follow it up with "I can't give you any money".

You'll see the true him pretty quickly when you put a barrier up.

Have you told your brother what's going on yet?

Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:32

He's been financially and emotionally exploiting StartingAgain for years. That's abusive.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:34

The true "him" will be revealed when you smack his fingers away from the till

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:38

Sorry :) when i said DD's i meant Direct Debits!!.......his work has been really slow and he doesnt really have much money of his own.... but surely if this woman is worth leaving me for she can help him out with money??

What a mess..........

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 19:38

I think the money was for his direct debits not his daughters. Is that right?

What did you say to the request? If i were you i would say that seeing as you are no longer a couple you will not be paying his bills. Yes he may be skint but you are not the solution to that. He can get a loan if he wants or an over draft. An incredible liberty to ask you!

Even if you said yes at the time doesn't mean you can't text him and say actually you've realised that it is no longer appropriate.

As for the loft . . . is it a dormer he's been putting in or a loft room? What exactly needs doing? Did it require planning permission?

QueenCess · 07/03/2012 19:42

Personally, I think you are trying to control the situation by financial means. It is afterall a long established pattern in your relationship. By offering him funds you get to keep him in your house fixing things up.

Except it's not about the house at all is it if you are being honest?

He has left you for another woman. He doesn't want to continue the relationship with you. No matter what you do you can't change this.

Now, considering the fact he is not the person you thought you were in a relationship with and things will NEVER return to how they were- what in those circumstances would be an appropriate response to him from here on?

QueenCess · 07/03/2012 19:43

His financial affairs and how he is going to manage is absolutely none of your business.

Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:44

Oops. So it's not even little girls who will go cold and hungry if he doesn't pay up.

Let him take the consequences, seriously. What a cheek for him to leave you after 15 years for another woman but to still think he can have his hand in your purse helping himself.

Have you ever spent money on yourself? It sounds like all the good money you earned, went on him and his hobbies, not on you.

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 19:45

I know why you feel sorry for him. Someone shouldn't have to stay in an unhappy relationship to spare the others feelings. That much OS true and perfectly ok.

What is not perfectly ok is to remove all your friends, make you leave your job, lose your support network by way of your colleagues, sponge off you, screw up your house, leave you fully reliant on him then as soon as that happens start fucking someone else and still come crawling begging for money. That is NOT OK.

If 48 hours is too soon to get your head around practicalities then don't. Just protect your assets and step away from everyth

Doha · 07/03/2012 19:45

Time to get angry and improve your self respect. This man has been leeching of you for yeras and wants to continue to do so while he is shagging the OW. Really he is trying to keep his options open and keep you onside. You will find that the house repairs will take forever to complete and he will ask for money time and time again. You wil feel obliged to give it to him as he is doind all this hard work for you.
Save yourselfe the hassle, save the money and pay someone to do the jobs as and when you can afforrd it. You will be glad you did in the long run.

If he needs money the OW or his family can bail him out. You are no longer in a relationship with him, you owe him nothing and he can expect nothing from you.
He is NOT your friend.
Get the finances sorted ASAP but give him no money, he is probably feeling quite smug that he has got you eating out of his hands.
Don't be a mug.

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 19:45

Everything. Especially him! Until you are coping better.

Doha · 07/03/2012 19:46

Sorry spelling crap tonight, just feel so angry on your behalf.

Saffysmum · 07/03/2012 19:47

Of course you can't cover his direct debits! WTF?? Let him be broke, let him stew in his own bloody mess. Let him and her eat Lidl baked beans out of a tin for a month. Come on girl - I know it's early days and all that, but please listen to us ladies who unfortunately have been there.

For God's sake, stop seeing him. You don't need to go to the bank with him, it can be done online or on the phone. You don't need to see him or for him to fix a sodding leak.

Just ignore him - get the leak fixed, tell him to fuck off.

Sorry, but I can't bear to see you walked all over like this...he's so bloody transparent, it's laughable.

008 · 07/03/2012 19:48

I´m sorry ... am I reading this right?

He fucks off with another woman.

And then asks you to pay for it?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:48

Hes never been abusive as such but he has always made me feel like its my responsibility to make him happy...he was a hard worker when i met him and was for many years but then my career took of and i earnt much more than he ever could, we agreed that he would do work on some properties we had to resell and i would work....this turned into four years...

last april we decided that i would step back from working (due to the demanding hours etc) and he would start his own business i could then be a SAHM for the children we were planning to have - look how that worked out...soon as he is earning some money he wants more freedom and fucks off!

OP posts:
008 · 07/03/2012 19:50

He hasn`t got enough money because he has been spending it at the pub WITH HER.

His problem. His problem. His problem.

Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:50

There is an alternative way of behaving when you find a man has done the dirty on you the way he has. Yell at him, throw his stuff out of your house and change the locks. Make sure he has no access to your money in any way shape or form, and then start pursuing him through the courts to get back the money you put into his business.

Not saying you should do this, but appeasing him and trying to keep him happy isn't necessarily the only way to respond to this. If you felt like it you could tell him to fuck off.

008 · 07/03/2012 19:50

xpost sorry

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 19:51

Who bankrolled the developing?

Xales · 07/03/2012 19:51

Do not trust this man!!!!!

He is not your friend. He has not been your friend for months. He had calculated and planned on leaving you this week. It only came a little early because of an argument.

Do not trust in any way shape or form that he will do as he says and not make a claim on your house.

He has sponged off you and still wants to. This makes you feel needed still. As if you are still a part of his life. You are not. You cannot begin to move on while he is making you feel as if he still needs you.

You have to cover all your bills and debts and house repairs with no foreknowledge. He had planned to leave you he should have planned more carefully and had some money to support himself or another loved up idiot woman lined up to do so.

Easier said than done I know.

I bet if you cut him off financially you will soon find out how much of a friend he still is and how much he is not going to go for a share of your house.