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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 07/03/2012 14:53

I'm not an expert by any means but I have been through it all and come out the other side stronger.

At the time I thought i would die of a broken heart now I look back and think i had a lucky escape. 18 years of my life not wasted because I learnt a lot and now I am thankful that's he's gone.

Starting it sounds like you are a strong independent woman in many ways, you can and will get through this MN and all the wise ladies will help you to do so

mathanxiety · 07/03/2012 14:54

MummytoKatie, excellent advice about the estate agent and getting an estimated value.

How about a spa in Iceland, thermal springs, mud masks and pampering...

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 07/03/2012 14:55

PS... my new partner is a builder so I can pull strings if I need to regarding that roof of yours Smile

mathanxiety · 07/03/2012 14:57

Starting, I would take up that offer of Pinkwellies' brother's roofing contacts if I were you.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 15:18

if you want to get some quotes for the building work, go onto RatedPeople.com

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 15:54

Did he come over this afternoon?

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 16:06

Woah digs I think our ex's may have been the same bloke by your description of him. Mine swears to this day he didn't have an afair but he did get together with the woman I questioned him about within 4 hours of our break up...

He then phoned a few months later to tell me about her because he didn't want me finding out through someone else. By then I already knew as I had seen them together. He then proceeded to tell me about the problems he was having with her. He then started fishing by saying his bf kept telling him that letting me go was the worst thing he ever did (same bf who he didn't believe had touched me up).

By this time I had already had a breakdown and was in therapy (which he still doesn't know about) so out of nowhere I found the strength to tell him that breaking it off with me was the kindest and best thing he ever did. I didn't know it at the time but I was right, it was.

Sometimes I regret most of that relationship because of the pain it caused me. But most of the time I am grateful for it as if I hadn't got to that horrible low I may never have picked myself up and became the woman I needed to be.

1 tip. No matter how little you fancy it never say no to an invitation to go out when you are in that place. I agreed to go out with a girl I barely knew , with people I didn't know at all, on a night where I didn't feel very well. The girls I met are still my friends. The girl I barely knew is now my best friend and a short while after that first night I met my now dh through her.

Sometimes from the lowest depths of the low rises the most wonderful things.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 16:17

only4, what a great outcome to a shit situation

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 16:22

Yes it is. When times are tough its easy to forget you have been through tougher.

You would not believe the cuntish things I let that man get away with. And how low I got. Yet now I still don't hate him. I pity him. I think that's worse.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 16:26

it's only worse for him that you pity him

I think for you, pity is the healthier emotion to feel towards someone who lost so much, for so little

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 07/03/2012 16:56

Starting, have read this thread this afternoon and just wanted to say you sound like a fabulous person, I would love to have you as a friend! I am in the north of Scotland, which is about as far from whit stable as you can get before falling off the edge, but if you decide one of your travel dreams is a tour of the Highlands, then I will always have a spare room ready!!

Please do listen to all the amazing advice on here, reread and reread again and again over the coming days. You are going to do this, you know you are.

captainmummy · 07/03/2012 17:05

Starting - if he starts on about how much value he has put on the house, you can counter with 'how much did i put into your business/van?' It's not only money, you spent time and effort and your skills in running his business, at the expense of your own career.

only4tonight · 07/03/2012 18:26

Hope you are ok starting x

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:13

Hi All, back again.........he came round we talked we both cried...........he says that he fell out of love with me and the OW is nothing to do with it (lie) he went straight round there after dumping me!!

He wants to 'help' me finish the house.......because he still cares about me he has offered to finish the loft conversion (which would really help me) he has agreed to go to the bank/accountants etc to put things in motion to start separating our assets he says he wont try to go for a share of the house.....all good........then he says he has no money.........could I cover his DD's in the joint account for the rest of the month until he gets on his feet.......i do believe he has no money our joint account is nearly empty and he has no work at the moment....i know what my head says but my heart says he needs help..........he denies that he has moved in with the OW saying that he stayed at a friends last night, he nearly admitted they were sleeping together but thought better of it.....why cant she help him with money?

He says he wants to be my 'friend' and wants to help me this sounds like music to my ears at the moment........ :( - he is coming round tomorrow to finish fixing the leak......and we are going to the bank etc to do the necessary paperwork...... its me trying to be his rescuer again but he actually made me feel sorry for him tonight he said he had to start over and he had nothing etc............i'm falling for it again arent i?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:16

yes

are you listening to any of the advice on your thread at all ? < meant kindly >

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:17

Thank you so much wellie X i am feeling stronger by the day- looking forward to our meet up saturday.........

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 07/03/2012 19:18

Sigh....

Sometimes it takes a while doesn't it Sad

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:19

AnyF -i know im just in a low place at the moment all of this only happened 48 hrs ago...............:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:21

Thank you so much for your support TooMuch all of your support is really helping me at the moment............. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:24

Thank you Only - I'm fine i am getting slowly stronger and more optimistic i can feel it but then i get tearful again- 15 years is a long time but i'll get there in the end.............

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:24

starting, you need to stop listening to this cheating lowlife who is still trying to ponce money off you, while he sleeps with another woman, and start listening to the brilliant advice on your thread

stop talking to him, stop listening to his self-pitying bollocks about being skint

that is his problem, not yours

he has made his choice...fgs, stop bailing him out and engaging with his mind-fucking

it's been 48 hours, yes

you could be 48 hours on with your new life...but you are still making it all about him

disengage and sort out practicalities (without using them as an excuse to contact him, or allowing him contact with you)

if you don't do this, he is still treating like a fool (and you are letting him)

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 19:25

you

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:25

Helltotheno I am trying- please bear with me its a lot to deal with in 48hrs.......... :(

OP posts:
Nyac · 07/03/2012 19:27

Oh dear, you need not to give him any money and certainly not allow him to continue fixing your house. If he needs money he can get it from his new woman or her family.

Abusive men wrecking houses with unfinished DIY is not that uncommon either. It will just be a way of keeping a hold over you, and marking his territory when he comes back to your house.

Either find work and then pay for it yourself, or you could try doing it yourself, or at least some of it. Would you feel confident about doing DIY?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 19:28

Today i have focused on getting practical things sorted out.....and that has helped me..... im finding my feet at the moment.....but today i found myself feeling sorry for him......idiot :(

OP posts: