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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:24

Diggs, he finds he hard coping with the realties of life, it gets him down -day to day stuff -money worries etc but im no angel i can be demanding jealous etc and i was right all along............

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:25

RR30 thats right but i was on the floor at the time and needed someone to lean on- i took him back............

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:29

Thats not very attractive in an adult man . Guess hes going to have to get used to dealing with the day to day things from now on . He probably sees her as the mothering sort .

I think i said earlier that these men take more than they put in , and that seems to be very true in this case .

RachyRach30 · 07/03/2012 13:29

What makes you say your demanding and jealous? Well I'm sure he will get down with her. He thinks grass is greener but he's just about to find out he's messed up big time and on top of that no bank rolling from you and no offence I don't think she will be on much so now he will have to start earning his own money .

captainmummy · 07/03/2012 13:31

Poor thing - he's going to rent a little flat ...not getting any from OW... does it matter if you beleive him or not?

He's already gone. Move him on. He can't comeback to you - he's made his bed.

Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:41

He sounds like a very needy cock lodger . Has he been supportive of you Starting ? He sounds exhausting .

Theres really no point in him whinging to you like this , these things hes talking about are no longer an issue , and more to the point they are lies .

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:45

Diggs i suppose that losing my parents at a young age made me more needy than usual and i understand that may have been difficult for him............but i feel i gave back tenfold and this is how is repays me....

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:47

Diggs he was supportive of me and loved it that i was a 'high flyer' he liked the kudos of having money............but some nights i would come back from a long drive and find him drunk...... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:51

RR30 I can be needy at times and was could get jealous about other women etc......he has worked hard over the last 9 months buliding his business......but it has been tough over the last three and he hasnt coped well with this.....he is struggling.........

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:53

I am so tired at the moment- but i need to start looking for a job i know- he worked on Tuesday and today- like nothing had happened.......he hasnt affected him.:(

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/03/2012 13:53

Do you think he has a drink problem Starting ? Its not good to get drunk on your own .

ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 13:54

We can all be needy, doesn't give anyone the excuse to go and shag someone else.

I get needy, DH gets needy, when we do, the other generally realises that the other ones a bit low and needs a hug and some reassusrance - not an affair!

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 13:56

Diggs, i think he is borderline he cant go a day without a drink he says to unwind i hated that about him.............

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 07/03/2012 13:57

This tosser has done a right number on you, hasn't he? Convincing you that you were some frail delicate ickle thing that needed a Big Strong Man like him to look after you, and that you would have to give him total gratitude, devotion and obedience in exchange.

But look at the reality, love. You've been supporting this loser financially, stroking his ego, putting up with his boring personality and having him leech off you for years. YOU are the strong one in this relationship, and once you are rid of this parasite you are going to get even stronger.

Pantone363 · 07/03/2012 14:04

Starting, is your job one you can go back to?

I cannot echo how typical this script from him is, it always goes the same way.

The best advice I got was that he has mentally known about the break up of your relationship for x months, you've only just found out. So you need to give yourself time to catch up.

Don't let him in to fix the leak, can't you stick a bucket and tarp under it even just for a week? Even a small thing like that with refusing to talk to him will give you some of the control back.

Just ignore the sweetheart thing, no man likes being painted as the wanker and in his mind he's being nice and still looking after you so he can't be that bad hey? Its all bullshit of course, my DH decided he would like to come back but wasn't sure 'he could honour my trust Hmm'...but he didn't want me to tell anyone that was the reason we weren't getting back together because 'it makes me look shallow!'

Pantone363 · 07/03/2012 14:06

I should add that my phone has been switched off for 2 days now because he is STILL texting and asking to come around and talk...

And when he does he'll want me to be his confidant as offloads about his struggles with monogamy!

Diggs · 07/03/2012 14:07

He sounds like he doesnt have apropriate coping skills and that he looks to others ( You , Ow , booze ) to make himself feel better . I think it a bit much that he seemed unable to cope with the day to day things , because while hes NOT coping ( or saying he cant ) you of course HAD to . You should never have had to sheild him from the realitys of life , he was your partner , you should have shared those sort of things . Dragging a dead weight around is no fun .

These are all qualitys that made it easy for him to have an affair . I hope you can see that and realise that you , how you are , what you did and didnt do , doesnt even come into it .

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 07/03/2012 14:11

Regular lurker here in WHITSTABLE too and I went through what starting went through 3 years ago... I rarely post though

Starting I have PM'd you (I think i have never done that before so i really hope you get it )

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 07/03/2012 14:17

pinkwellies Thank you so much- i have replied would love to meet up for a chat and a coffee x

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/03/2012 14:17

Dont be too surprised either if he starts expressing doubts about the Ow , or telling you private things about her . Its part of hedging his bets , hoping youll compete .

When i look back now i can see quite clearly that my Ex was a prime candidate for an affair , he had all the qualitys that would enable him to do so . He was a people pleaser ,needy , childish , lacked confidence , also couldnt cope with day to day life , also drank too much , liked the idea of being needed and beleived totally in a all consuming love where you would just gaze at each other all day .

Our relationship was mostly about what i could offer him and what he could take . I beleive that he would have engaged frequently in affairs if they were available to him . Unfortunateley for him he isnt very nice to look at Grin so it only happened the once . Hes still single , looking for a foster mummy to care for him .

QuintessentialyHollow · 07/03/2012 14:28

You are well rid. He is a freeloader and a cocklodger. He did not have to work. You worked. You provided him with a roof over his head. You cooked his dinner?

What the actual fuck did he do? Oh yes, he did that exactly.

See a solicitor and find out about the van and any funds you have poured into the business. Make sure you DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Be firm. When he realizes that the other woman might not be able to keep him in the same style, he might return for more freebies. (Unless he has bled you dry, what with you not working an all)

I am sure you can find work again.

But what were you thinking exactly? Leave paid employment to pander to his attempts at having his own business? Do all the admin and actual business management for free while he willingly shared his earnings?

He is not a catch. You are so well rid of him.

SlightlyJaded · 07/03/2012 14:38

starting really glad that you are going to meet pinkwellies for a chat.

Do call your brother as well. The more other people you have to talk to you, the smaller the hole he has left will get.

If you can do / think of nothing else, just keep one thing in your head every time he calls/pops round: I will not be Plan B

That needs to me your mantra and you need to believe that you deserve to be wanted/desired/loved/cherished - nothing less. And definitely not the fall-back plan.

I will not be Plan B

OK? x

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 14:46

That's great that you are meeting up with another poster. X

MummytoKatie · 07/03/2012 14:49

Quick thought - get an estate agent round to value the house as it is Right now. Half finished DIY jobs tend to knock money off. Then if he starts muttering about how you owe for value added to the house you can say you quite agree and would he prefer to pay by cheque or bank transfer!

On the topic of travelling where would you like to go best in the world? I think you need to start planning a trip. As a starter for ten how about Norway in November to see the Northern lights? Anyone else got any holiday dreams that Starting can do for us?

mathanxiety · 07/03/2012 14:50

Whether he is spinning you a yarn or not about the matter of exactly what the relationship with this OW consists of is completely unimportant.

There is no need to keep on speculating about whether they have a sexual relationship. Your worst instincts about this are probably right.

He is an alcoholic layabout who has brought your house into a state of disrepair while you supported him and has now left you with nothing but problems both practical and emotional to sort out.

Please call qualified roofers and have them around to get estimates for the roof repair. Call at least 5. Get out the yellow pages or go online to find roofers, and call them. You can do this.

The rest of the house repairs can wait but you need to get the roof sorted and watertight some time in the next few weeks. Water will destroy a house like nothing else. You must get this sorted. You will feel so much better when you have done this for yourself and for your house.

Do not allow this exP of yours to string the roof thing out any longer.

Stop thinking in terms of him not coping or struggling and you needing to take care of him. Absolutely nobody and least of all him is going to hand out medals for niceness when all of this is over.

You can be demanding and jealous, etc??????

You objected to him snogging a woman in an alley, and you wanted an end to the chaos he threw your house into with the house renovation? That is called being normal and having a sense of pride.

For one reason or another, you let this man and his attendant chaos into your life and your house, and now that he is doing you the massive favour of volunteering to move out, please pack his things and let him go.