Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

[justsofuckingsad]

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

Thank you all - really - you nourish me.

Tomorrow this will be dealt with.

He's gone & dead to my daughter in any way he can influence her.

& my son - well - he'll be my son & I love him & strive to make him better.

Thank you

You must report and get treated. You must reach out for help for you.

Even though it may seem like climbing Everest to you right now, can you just put one foot in front of the other and keep on doing that until you are talking to someone in a hospital?

He will not go to jail in all likelihood (sorry to say). Conviction rates for rape are horribly low. It is always a matter of he said/she said ion the courts. Hospital and rape crisis centre are different. They are there for you and they will help.

But in order to protect your children from him you need to record this, and in order to get treatment and to be put in touch with caring people who can help you, you must go to hospital or to your nearest rape crisis centre. Their lines will be open in a few hours and you can find the centre nearest to you. 0808 802 99 99

You are not in control of any aspect of this situation now and you didn't cause any of it. Keeping it to yourself will not keep anything under your control. It will just mean more pain for you.

You are probably terrified of all the unknowns here. Please remember that people care and they want to help you and your children, and that you deserve help.

Would you like to call the Samaritans? They are always there to listen. They listen to everyone, no matter what you call about.

08457 90 90 90

Justso -- can you make yourself a little mug of cocoa? Something nice and warm and sweet, and wrap a big blanket around yourself.

Please call your nearest Women's Aid office or the Rape Crisis Helpline later today and if they tell you that reporting what he has done to you is the best way to ensure the safety of your dc, PLEASE act on their advice - bite the bullet, and do it.

It's unlikely that he'll be 'criminalised' but having it logged may strengthen any case you may need to make for any contact he has with your dc to be supervised.

bastard, fucking piece of shit, bastard.

that is all

So sorry to read your post, OP. I have to say though, where you say your father "loves the man". He doesn't - he loves YOU and would obviously love anybody else who loved you. He will be furious that his daughter has been treated like this.

Don't keep your husband's secret - it's his humiliation to face, not yours. What he did and has done previously is no reflection on you at all.

So I'm sorry to have read your post.

Our children don't ever need or deserve to be let down by their fathers, but we have to set them an example about standing up to bullies as well.

It's such an impossible position and I feel for you completely.

Do stay strong, you will be surprised how much support you will get and you are worth so very much more than he realises.

HE IS A BAD MAN!

He's awful to you.
I have cried for you

Please please please leave him

Are you local to me?
I want to help you

You and your children deserve a life not the hell you have with this man

Please be really careful! Have a plan of where you're going, not somewhere he is going to look for you straightaway, and inform the children's teachers, their legal powers to withhold the children are minimal but they can delay them, and please please please seek legal advice...you don't want him turning this around and saying you have taken His children and you are the bad guy which can happen with no history of police involvement. But most of all please get awy from this monster, even if you think you can't or you don't have the strength...you do! You've survived this's so far, this is just the next step. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is normal? Please just get out!

Stay safe...and if you need anything there is an army of MN's around you (with pitchforks and a coffee!)

Thank you for telling us.

When you say the words, you stop keeping the secrets. And, you start telling the truth to yourself.

Please, please, please report this, even to a Dr who will keep confidentiality (until you feel stronger), but get it on record. Take your sore little self and have yourself examined. Tell people in RL. You know, there is always in the back of society's mind - is she exaggerating etc. But how he humiliates and punishes you? Hmmm, takes all the doubt away.

Please change the locks. Who cares what 'the law' says, he will have to go to 'the law' to have them changed back.

You are not making this up, you are not a witch. You are not a home wrecker. Please listen to the poster than told you her children RELAXED after he left.

hope you are getting some sleep now?

i am in NI if you need any practical help

i can understand why you don;t want to report, but you need to get yourself and your children out of the situation

take care and look after yourself

London here if you need anything At all!

Oh no, I am so sad and angry for you after reading your thread last week and now this. Can a family member or friend come and stay with you? Please change the locks and tell the police. Even if you decide later not to press charges please get this rape and assault on record, as others said it might help future custody wars.

Also, not wanting to load you with anything else but he will go on to do this to another woman.

I wish I could help you. Please look after yourself and your dc. He is a terrible father and a terrible, disgusting person. No 'good father' does this to his children's mother

If I was religious I would pray for you. I'm not so just hoping positive thoughts help you somehow. Please be strong and save yourself.

Have read your thread- I'm so sorry for you. Please do seek medical help, anal rape carries a high risk of injuries, and leaves more physical traces then vaginal, so all can be documented. You never know what evidence you may need later- he may try to get unsupervised overnight access to your daughter through court.....

As for not breaking up the family, and your children adore him- ExP is mentally ill, very volatile and unstable. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us, physically abusive to myself and DS (up until age 2.5), and raped me.
DS adores him.
DS had emotional problems, behavioural and anger problems, language delay, problems concentrating- all of which are now resolving (5.5 yrs old, 3 yrs after split!), but he still adores him even now- and ExP has not been in contact, much less seen him, for 18 mon.

That DS adores ExP does not mean it is good for him to be with him.

Why the hell are you still with him?

You're an intelligent strong woman. You know that you have to leave this toxic dangerous relationship. Your kids deserve a mother who respects herself, who is strong enough to demand a relationship that gives her, and therefore them, love, support and kindness. No man is worth this. No relationship is worth staying around for that provides this.

You should not live in fear, and your kids should never witness that fear.

But you know all this, and you know what you need to do.

If it was your daughter, years down the line, in your situation, what would you do?

You'd move heaven and earth to get her to a place of love and safety.

So do it for yourself.
We're here for you, every step of the way.

I hope you got some form of rest last night OP.
If he is away all week, you have some time to gather yourself and summon from the pit of your stomach some strength to do what you need to do.
I can't emphasise enough how I know all about this guilt thing of breaking up a family. There is so much pressure on women to keep it together, yet ironically now I see that as some form of societal level power over us too - it really does come at you from all angles. Why the fuck would you keep together a unit that is damaged and dangerous?
You sound like a really lovely woman. Your children and you will be fine on your own. Just think of the times you have now when he is not around (off being the hero and earning lots of cash) and then compare that to the times he is around. Already you will probably see things are better and calmer. And you will have this all the time in a short while. A life without tension, stepping on eggshells and fear of what you might say and do that will piss him off.
Although it pains me to say it, please also be aware that he isn't finished with you when YOU decide that you are out of there. There will probably be harrassment, mental games, withdrawal of money, slandering of you, denial about what he has done, blame onto you that YOU are the one that has broken up the family. But they ALL do this to some level these types of broken men - I mean if they really admitted to themselves what evil shits they are their lives are basically over.

If you can detach and see these pathetic retaliations and denials for what they are, you are stronger than me you will make your journey much smoother.

for you. And

But you must report.

For you. for your daughter. For the next woman he beats and buggers.
And for all women, so they might not get punched and buggered.

Good luck.

I've done the running-away-to-a-refuge thing myself. What worked for me was detaching myself myself from my feelings for a bit. I felt so guilty and sad that I was giving up on the relationship. Even now, part of me still loves the fucker, or at least loves who I thought he was. I suspended my own judgement, because I knew it was messed up, and I just did what my counsellor and the refuge staff said - I put my trust in older, wiser women. You can do the feelings thing later. Right now, just be a robot, go through the motions of getting away.

I can understand your reluctance to report, but one massive advantage is that you have evidence if you later find yourself in a situation of opposing 50:50 residence. Believe me, it is a killer if you are trying to explain what happened a year or two down the line, and he says you're just making it up out of spite and to hinder his access. Get the evidence - try your GP, if that's a little less intimidating. You don't have to use the evidence, but it's good to have. My exH wasn't very physically violent - he had other ways to control - but I am genuinely glad that he once dislocated my finger and I went to the police to have it photographed, because aside from that, it was only every his word against mine.

Justso, I have no words, I have no adequate words.....

Only to say that you must prioritise your safety and the best way to do this is to call the police. (My daughter's a specialist trained sexual offences police officer and this is her advice.) They will deal with you in the most sensitive way and as a victim of a violent crime, because that is what you are. A whole raft of support will sweep in to make sure you do not have to live another day with the thought that this could happen again. He needs to be prosecuted and you need to start recovery to live a life where fear is not a part of it. Your children will be better off with just you because I can guarantee you, if you ask them when they are adults whether they would prefer to have had their father in their home and their mother being violently raped and abused as a consquence, you will have your answer.

Much love and strength to you. As with other posters, I too am sitting weeping typing this.

Ad a DV professional, I'd like to say a few things.

Firstly, reporting is really important. There are just some things that need to be handled a certain way, and this is one of those things. You are self blaming, and so are some of the posters on the thread, asking you why you are still there etc, and you saying that you don't want him criminalised.

But the thing is, he started this process. If he didn't want to be criminalised, he shouldn't have done what he did. And i think it is hugely relevant, the sort of forced sex that he has done to you.

There are lots of options for you my dear, to keep you safe and keep this man away, ad you can stay in your own home and what happens to him happens to him and its his problem. Can you get a DV professional to guide you through it all? There are some actions that need to be taken today.

I really wish I had reported. I didn't.

And I didn't for exactly the reason you quoted OP - because he had a responsible job. In a stupid way I thought that if he still had his job at least he wouldn't have 'lost everything' and therefore might not totally lose it with me and the shotgun be an option. But in hindsight, it made not a blind bit of difference. As a woman said to me at a group thingy through WA, the only words these men understand is "Police. Prison. Court" She was very very right, but unfortunately I ignored it, probably because of some conviction that my life wasn't as fucked up as it actually was and he would 'come round' and be normal eventually ( he will never be 'normal').

Anyway, the point of the post was to say that I never reported, wish I had, but understand why you feel the reluctance - again all these pressures. But if you can be a robot like someone else suggested, maybe you won't make the same mistake as me.

No adequate words either, other than, you deserve a better life than this and your children will one day be adults and understand and be grateful for your strength. You will find happiness and peace by doing what you know to be right in your gut...and by retaining your sense of humour. All of this has been done TO YOU and is not in any way your fault, there is no guilt to be felt. It feels like a mess now you're sitting in the middle of it, the advice to detach yourself and listen to the experience as though you were listening to a goood friend is sound. Much love to you x

Sorry OP, but your dh IS a bad man. He's a bad, nasty, fucked up, scary, BAD man.