Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

[justsofuckingsad]

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

Children often say they love violent abusive fathers or father figures. While children's love is pretty unconditional, when a parent or parent figure is abusive the child's declarations of love are more about fear and a desperate wish to placate. And, depending on the age of your children, they will be able to understand and accept that daddy is 'broken' or 'sick' in a way that makes it unsafe for them and you to live with him. Even though what's wrong with him is that he is a self-obsessed malevolent shithead.

Mcmoon thank you - thank you.

& thank you SBG.

I will escape this situation.

I hate him right now & I have to get this out - sorry - I've just got to say it - I really have to get this out or I'll be humiliated forever but all rapes from him are anal.

I think he really wants to hurt me - no, I KNOW HE REALLY WANTS TO HURT ME.

He wants to punish me, I know that.

Sorry - I just had to tell someone - it just makes it worse & more humiliating, I just want it gone.

& catharsis has a place.

You know what, I have found that talking about stuff is actually liberating.
The first time is the hardest.

We are strong women and don't like to feel vulnerable or the "victims", but there is no shame in that.
We think we can deal with it and make it better, but we can't.

Yes, he wants to punish you and show you who is in charge.
Rape is about power, not sex.
He wants to humiliate you, yes.

You have endured enough and been strong for too long. :(

& now I feel like a troll for drip-feeding horrible shit.

I'm not, really, just a beaten & buggered woman.

(who retains some humour).

It just fucking hurts.

What a ghastly bastard he is Op .

Please consider ringing Womens Aid in the morning x

Well done you for admitting that you cant and wont go on like this. Your children are priority here and you will find strength in them. Hopefully some more expierienced posters will be along soon but at 38 you are still very young enough to build a brand new life for yourself

He is a very cruel man. Nothing to add but please look after yourself, call Women's Aid.

I'm really glad for you that you have told your friend and she can help you through this - telling someone makes it more real and hopefully you are less likely to sweep it under the rug and forgive again

He is beyond vile.
YOU are the strong one for admitting you need out of this abusive relationship. Womans Aid will help you and please forget about what other people think of him, you don't need to concern yourself with that.
You are getting help now that is the main thing.
In the past it has been you that he has been using and abusing. He could very well turn on your dc's one day if you stay.
You are making the right decision and you will get through this.
In the meantime, do take care of yourself

Thank you all, I keep going from flashes of anger to uncontrollable weeping.

Women sustain me - more than ever before.

Fuckers.

I want nothing less than to go near a man for a decade - but please tell me there are some good ones out there - I don't want to lose faith in half the human race, I have a son, brothers, a father & male friends who I love.

Both of my husbands have been unmitigated shits though.

Which leads me to some unpalatable truths.

You must go to a hospital and have this rape and beating recorded and treatment if necessary.

Time enough to ruminate and wonder about good men later.

For now you need to get someone to look after your DCs, and someone else to take you to a hospital. Who can you call? Don't get stuck there. Call two people. You need help.

Your H is a criminal.

You see

Oh my. Oh sweetheart, you need to report him. Straight away. There will be... internal evidence. I'm so sorry.

Your husband is an absolute bastard. As others have already said, he is a very, very bad person. I think, unpalatable a truth as that is you need to kept telling yourself that.

Thanks Math - I'm leaving but not reporting, I just can't - him being criminalised isn't going to help anyone - he's a shit but a high earning shit & the DCs need that (& they need their father not to be a criminal) - fuck - I don't know - if it was my sister I'd be advising the opposite.

op your predicament has made me so sad and angry for you and your children. Be assured that most men are NOT vile, horrible people. I'm sure you know that already. Just make sure you keep it together for now (with your friends' help) so that your escape from this awful situation is safe for you and your family, and then make sure you seek all the help that is offered (counselling, medical, legal etc.) to eradicate that excuse for a human being from your life. For you and your dc who, by loving him, they are only trying to please him so that he doesn't carry on hurting you. They know. I bet you everything that they know.

Not only do you not deserve being humiliated and abused like that but you have every right to out him to everyone. That's another matter altogether of course but you really don't have to (and should not) protect him.

Best of luck. This is the best decision you can make for yourself, walking away. Be strong, keep talking, don't be afraid to ask for help and never ever blame yourself.

Jesus OP i am so sorry. i am actually sat here having a little cry for you, the tears just sprang out of my eyes during your last few posts. you are so brave. and i am just so sorry this has been done to you.

I CAN'T DO THIS - really.

Really.

I don't want to do this.

I don't to ruin everyone's happy life.

I am having a terrible time reconciling myself - I feel like the witch that is going to come in & slash & burn.

Who's happy life, op? Certainly not yours and the children know. Or they'll know soon. You really need to do this. Don't let years of humiliation and horrible abuse lead to more of the same. Because if you are telling yourself that it will get better, it won't. It will get worse. Your husband is clearly capable of anything. Get out now.

There are ways to punish him more effectively and more painfully than criminalising him, honey.

But he needs to know that if he so much as lifts a finger to you, let alone lays a finger on you, you won't hesitate to call the police and he can take his chances with the law.

BTW, put the blame where it's due. You haven't ruined anyone's happy life - but he has.

You are strong, and powerful, and wise, and loving. You are a wonderful mother. You can do this. You WILL do this.

(((hugs)))

No, you don't want to ruin everyone's life. You haven't ruined them. He has.
No doubt he didn't want to ruin lives, either, but it's all he knows and he won't accept that it's a fucked-up way to live. That is, he'll accept it for a minute and then he'll get angry and then he'll blame you - and, eventually, the kids. Easier to blame your victims than blame yourself, huh?

You're doing all the right things. It's hard but you're wise enough to have supporters and to call on them.

My mum was more idiotic than you. She stayed. Now I'm watching a third generation grow up in the cycle :(

You can stop this, now. People write, earlier, about how much happier your DC will be, free from the tension and the fear. It's true! It will mean far more to them than things and toys. They're children; children crave emotional security. That's worth more than anything, certainly more than growing up with row-avoiding skills! When you see them running around - absolutely confident and happy - you'll be so proud. And it won't take long. Weeks, probably.

:)

You will end it, because you deserve this end. Your kids deserve it. It won't be 'easy'. But it will be right, and you'll feel right. Worth it?

You must do this for your children as well as for yourself.

You are not a witch. He is the bad person in this.

Look, it's hard, but you won't be able to properly defend yourself and your children if you don't report it and put it out in the open.

Will you trust him to spend time alone with the children? Your daughter?
He is a rapist.

The second time my ex hit me and that was "just" pushing both sides of my face with his fists and a strong slap, I called the police so that he would leave the house.
Honestly, I only regret not reporting it the first time he was violent with me. I have reported every single incident since then, because there is no way I'll give him any chance of having more than supervised visits with DS.

Your husband IS a criminal for what he is doing to you. That is the harsh reality.
As much as you still love him, or fear him, you should love and your children more, and fear being with him more than without him.

Your children won't thank you for staying in an abusive relationship. Really.

BTW, the main reasons I only allow supervised visits were threats to our lives and of taking DS away, plus drinking and mental instability. I'm not a horrible bitch hellbent on revenge. :-)

Dear OP, can I point out that you don't make him a criminal by pressing charges - he is already a criminal through his own behaviour. A very serious criminal that no woman should be near. How would you feel if he started harming your daughter or your son too? Because some men who attack their wives like this have - just look at the legal cases and police records - attacked their own children. If he can harm his own wife, don't think for a minute that he would have tender feelings towards the children that would shield them from harm. The rest of his actions towards you suggest that he is addicted to victimising someone. How do you know that he hasn't attacked other women? Attacked young girls who are strangers? Men who get a kick out of belittling and victimising another person only escalate - they don't tone down over the years. If they did tone down, you won't be in the state you are now. The safest place for him is to be locked up. You're not the witch here - he is. He's already slashed and burned you all - terribly. Your children are already affected by seeing the toll it has taken on you. Don't let him go on doing it.

Please go to a hospital A&E or GU medicine clinic (at the clinic your identity can be kept secret if you wish) to get a rape test done, and any infections he may have passed on treated. They can also refer you or pass you information about counselling and support too, and get in touch with the police on your behalf. Don't you want the hurt to stop? Taking this first step will. Be strong, lots of us here are rooting for you and on your side.