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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
EauDeLaPoisson · 05/03/2012 22:35

Typical MN at the moment- op treated like crap by husband- must somehow be ops fault... I do wonder if bored people who just want to pick fights and argue white is black frequent this part of mumsnet and tbh it's very depressing

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 05/03/2012 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 23:44

ungrateful we live in deepest darkest south lan too... Frikking miles away from Braehead. I probably could have got to the south pole quicker Grin

OP posts:
puchai · 05/03/2012 23:57

Well it's all cause and effect isn't it? if the OP was daft enough to wind up her stressed partner and then compound the problem with her whiny PA bullshit in the full knowledge that her child was a witness to it all, then she must share the responsibility of the fallout.

Why anyone would seek to add stress in a vehicle carrying their precious child and therefore undoubtedly add to the potential for an accident is totally beyond me.

Although by carefully qualifying her unrecorded remarks and laying doubt on his interpretation by including the word apparently whilst making sure she quotes his foul mouthed response verbatim, she is blatantly trying to absolve herself of any blame whatsoever.

I doubt whether she will ever accept any responsibility over this incident.

Archemedes · 06/03/2012 00:05

Has he been ingoring DS too?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 00:14

Puchai did you miss the bit where I said I was at fault for snipping at him????

OP posts:
KRITIQ · 06/03/2012 00:18

My DH doesn't drive. Occasionally, he will make comments about lanes and signs, often not actually realising that although he means to be helpful, the result is actually the opposite. I would never DREAM of swearing at him, let alone dumping him in the way the OPs partner did her and her son, and I most certainly wouldn't insist on being the "Big I am" afterwards, showing that what I say or don't say goes. So all the folks that think the OP's h's reaction was reasonable or proportionate are having a giraffe.

OP, I think you know the answer to this one, and from other things you've said, this is one example that illustrates an over all pattern in your relationship - that the balance is tipped toward what he wants, when he wants it and how he wants it. He's not even engaging with you in discussing what would have been a horrible experience for you, but especially for your DS. He doesn't seem to be withdrawing because he is ill or depressed, but because he knows you want and need to discuss this, but not engaging is a way of continuing to control the situation, the relationship.

Prospects aren't good here, but I think you know that.

I'm wondering if sometimes where folks are so keen to justify controlling and abusive behaviour, or minimise the impact of it, or content that it takes two to tango or all the old platitudes to avoid genuinely facing up to what happened, well, I wonder if sometimes they NEED to believe that this is "normal" in relationships, because well, maybe that IS their normal, but they can't quite face how un-normal it really is. They don't like the reminders.

minimisschief · 06/03/2012 00:36

you must have said something pretty awful for him to tell you to stfu. And you were immature with the stomping out of the car scenario.

you both sound like a match made in heaven

Longdistance · 06/03/2012 01:03

No, he was bang out of order. Right....he had your car, so firstly you should have told him 2 park it (rather than get out), and grabbed the keys, and told him 2 go home on his own, if he was gonna speak 2 you like that, he can find his own way home.
Also, next time you go out shopping, leave the sulky child at home watching his football. Find something more entertaining 2 do with your time together as a family in future!

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 01:25

Hi Geordieminx Was thinking of pming you. then i saw this thread. I see he is still being controlling and abusive. Has he been to the doctor about the other problem yet. Many many many posters on this thread know nowhere near the full back story.

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 01:27

What KRITIQ said.

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 01:32

Have PMed you Geordie.

Jacksmania · 06/03/2012 03:31

Geordie, didn't you recently post about your H giving you the silent treatment every time you two have a disagreement?
If I've remembered correctly, then it seems to me he's stepped up his behaviour quite a lot. I'm concerned. I cannot imagine DH leaving DS and me to make our way 20 miles home if he drive off and left us. That's so not on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2012 04:48

I guess we've all had tantrums and strops as adults, OP. Did your husband know that you didn't have keys to get into the house? I can't imagne that either he or you were in thinking form enough to consider getting your son's coat out of the car so you were both at fault there.

Why did you take your son out of the car? He wasn't at risk. Did you just want to make a point that, if it came to it, your son will go with you no matter what? That's how it sounds to me.

Your husband was unreasonable and so were you. You started it and it escalated as these things often do. Whichever one of you makes the first move to apologise, it won't be soon enough. Your son is old enough to understand that something's wrong and to feel the tension, he doesn't deserve that atmosphere.

Sort it out, OP, no matter whether you feel aggrieved or not. If it was just you and your husband it wouldn't matter if it went on forever and a day but not when you have a child in the thick of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2012 05:07

Just read back about the silent treatment though... that's not nice. I think it's a good thing that your son will be away for the next couple of days, you and your husband need to talk and come to some semblance of agreement on acceptable behaviour. He's the one continuing to be unreasonable.

I hope you can sort this out between you, or at least go your seperate ways amicably for your son.

lifechanger · 06/03/2012 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 06:58

He slept on the sofa last night.. No blankets. He is so fucking stubborn.

OP posts:
mrstiredandconfused · 06/03/2012 07:10

Geordie just leave him to it - if he's going to be an arse then he will do so with or without you getting stressed.

If as ACarer says this is part of a bigger problem (controlling etc) then I think you have a lot of thinking to do. Imho this does not sound like a normal relationship. Is he still ignoring ds?

If he refuses to speak/go to bed etc I think I'd probably make sure that he had little or no reason to go into your bedroom - can you move some stuff of his out? (pants/socks etc) If he is as controlling as has been alluded to I think you need to take some power back.

Hope you're as ok as you can be x

tinierclanger · 06/03/2012 07:32

Well I've reassessed in the light of later information. He's being a twat and you shouldn't have to live your life managing his childish behaviour.

diotima · 06/03/2012 07:47

OP - you created the problem and should solve it. As for your DS - you were the one who got him involved by taking him out of the car. Then you made it a condition of your son (without a coat) being taken home that your partner apologised to you. Do you often hold your child to ransom like that? - Do what I want or the kid gets it!!! Given that you put him and yourself in that situation, it was your responsibility to get yourself out of it. Why look to your partner to get you out of it by apologising? You are a deeply irresponsible person in my opinion.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/03/2012 08:03

Diotima What the hell are you talking about!?

Shutupanddrive · 06/03/2012 08:14

He's still sulking? Shock
Childish twat

diotima · 06/03/2012 08:14

She spoke to him like shit. So he spoke to her like shit. Even-stevens between two foolish adults. So she plays her trump card - the child! To bring a child into a fight and use it as a weapon is to abuse that child. She had a way out, the child did not. She had choices, the child did not. The only one being abused here is the child.

ComposHat · 06/03/2012 08:16

You are both a pair of idiots.

Him for being so rude and you for using your child as a weapon in a petty row between you and your husband.

He is marginally more of an idiot for continuing the silent treatment.

Moln · 06/03/2012 08:33

Is Diotima the OP's partnet?

Are those that thing the OP 'desreved' it overtly sensitive to critisism of thier driving?

Normal reaction to being toldnastiky you are in the wrong lane and feeling stressed would be "i KNOW!! I don't need you to tell me" or something.

Normal reaction (and best) reaction to a vicious fight is to step away and calm down.

Normal reaction to his seperation is to sit and simmer for a whilethen realise your part in it. It isn't too drive off and leave your patner and child for the whold day without making contact

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