Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:19

mrstiredandconfused

Amber of course women can be arses too (even I have had my moments wink ) but ffs what was she meant to do? She tried removing ds and herself from the situation and look what happened

Me too! I dont know just from what ive read here they both sound as bad as each other and im afraid I find it hard to have sympathy with adults that expose small children to this kind of low level petty arguing on a regular basis-its not good and OP is as much a participant IMO.

And given Geordie's latest post how can you continue defending this tool? Does this REALLY sound like a man you'd be happy about being married to?

Im really not defending him, im just saying she needs to have a good look at her part in this and figure out if it is worth it if this is a regular thing.

Sorry I keep singling you out but I usually agree with what you say so i'm surprised that we're polar opposites on this!

No problem! Smile

pictish · 05/03/2012 21:22

So Amber - what is her part in all this?
What did she do or say that contributed to her husband's dreadful behaviour?

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:22

Pictish
really?

pictish · 05/03/2012 21:23

yes

QueenCess · 05/03/2012 21:24

If I was the O.P. I would never trust my husband again with my car. I probably wouldn't go in the car with him again if he gets so stressed and instead just drive myself. This would verge on a deal breaker for me.

The suggestion that she should be passive when sworn at is outrageous.

I think removing yourself from the situation was wise although I probably would have left my child with him and walked off on my own. That would have limited his options........

I think the husband resented being out shopping and so created a situation to air his displeasure.

There was no need for him to take her car and leave her-the cheek. He could have parked it and made his own huffy way home and still make his pathetic point.

If my husband had pulled a stunt like this he would be moving out. I woildn't put up with it. There are some lines you don't cross.

Jux · 05/03/2012 21:25

You're going to have to find a better means of conflict resolution. Yes, he's a tool for leaving you with a 4yo and no keys, and yes he's a tosser for sulking. Sulking is such childish behaviour.

I get peed off with dh when he gets in the wrong lane when he knows as well - better than I do - which lane, how to get somewhere etc. I tend to mention which lane/which turning before he goes wrong if I know that habitually he fucks up somewhere. That way no one gets annoyed.

Regardless of this occasion, there are going to be conflicts between you; there always are in relationships. Can you tell him how childish sulking is? It's not on, it really isn't.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:32

Pictish, she said it in her OP.

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 21:34

They way the each behaved is not comparable. I am shocked that some think it is. Nothing (well not much) would make it ok to leave your wife and child 20 miles from home.

pictish · 05/03/2012 21:36

She said what in her OP?
I'm missing the part where she escalated the situation sufficiently enough to warrant being told to fucking shut up, and left stranded 20 miles from home.
Can you highlight that bit for me?

QueenCess · 05/03/2012 21:39

He has behaved abysmally.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:40

Oh come on, she wasnt stranded, she was dropped off at the destination she was going to anyway! she then had to make her own way home because she told him to go and he did!

pictish · 05/03/2012 21:43
Hmm
AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:45

Hmm back at ya

pictish · 05/03/2012 21:46

So that's a no then?

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 21:47

The swearing bit is not that big a deal i don't think. We all, well a lot of us will swear occasionally when stressed.

But the driving off . . . He drove 20 miles home and could have turned round at any point. He would have calmed down on the way home. He chose not to go back. The only reason he would have done that is punish the op. He wanted to leave her there. He wanted to punish her. He wanted to make his point. He wants to sulk until she apologises. That's what he does.

QueenCess · 05/03/2012 21:49

She told him to go and calm himself down not buggar off with HER car.

She should have charged a taxi to the arse.

Returning home 20miles in one part of the country can be a very different experience to another esp on a Sunday .......with a child and no keys.

He then had the audacity to sulk........

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 21:50

A no to what?

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 21:51

20 miles is a long way to find your way home with a child when you hadn't planned for that to happen. The child must have been so upset. The dad would have known that. He didn't care.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/03/2012 22:03

PooPoo - you can highlight your own posts too :)

Amber - honestly, are you trying to be difficult? She did not tell him to drive off, she told him to give me a ring once he has calmed downcalm down. He drove off in her car, with her keys. Not all shopping centres are on public transport routes, especially on a Sunday and why the hell should she have to work out how to get 20 miles home with DS simply because he's a childish prick? Then be locked out of her own home because he has both sets of keys. All she did was tell him he was in the wrong lane ??

Ungratefulchild · 05/03/2012 22:08

I'd have no idea how to get home from Braehead by public transport. People should understand that this shopping centre is way out of Glasgow, beside the airport and is basically a drive to destination. To be left there without coats (lovely sunny day yesterday but utterly freezing) is completely out of order.

QueenCess · 05/03/2012 22:09

At last a bit of perspective Chipping!

I was agog reading some of these posts with supposedly feminist perspectives.

Not my idea of feminism to passively take what is dished out. I call it being bullied by a control freak.

O.P. are you O.k?

mrstiredandconfused · 05/03/2012 22:10

But Amber - 1) she did not tell him to go and 2) she tried not to expose her ds to the argument - therefore she tried to walk away! And he bloody left her! AND he took HER car unto the bargain!

Sorry if i'm being thick but I cannot for the life of me understand how she is as bad as him.
confused]
And to top it ALL off, today he is ignoring his 4yo ds. Again, how can they both be as bad as each other?!!

(Please, if I have missed a vital, enlightening bit then please tell me cos I'm stumped!) [

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 22:12

Chipping I know! Its great!

TheCraicDealer · 05/03/2012 22:18

He shouldn't have spoken to her like that, driving brings out the worst in some people. OP admits she spoke to him in a way that was less that sympathetic, which hardly improved stress-levels in the car. To me prancing out of the vehicle is a very childish act; yes, sometimes it's better to walk away, but on other occasions leaving it until you've both calmed down is the way to go, rather than deliberately antagonising the situation.

Now the silent treatment I cannot fucking stand, my dad used to do this when he was pissed off. Why do people think it works? We used to just look at him like Hmm

Vicky2011 · 05/03/2012 22:30

Utterly utterly shocked by these people who seem to think that anything the OP did caused this situation. I put up with too much from my DH in many ways, but even he would not carry on a row so long, particularly in front of DS. Extended sulking is vile, abusive behaviour. All about power, just like leaving his partner and child to get home and reliant on a friend having a key.