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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
diotima · 06/03/2012 08:34

ComposHat I don't agree. The person who escalates a conflict with their partner by involving their child is more than marginally more of an idiot. They are behaving appallingly. Adults have resources and choices. Children do not. To use a child as a weapon just because you have the power to do it is grossly irresponsible. It is an abuse of the power that adults have over children. That is child abuse.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 08:35

I'm abusing my child??? What the actual fuck????

I took him out if the car, for lunch and I've cream and a new game, as he had been promised for doing well at his swimming lessons. I refused to get drawn into an argument with Dh in front of ds as it wasn't something I was subjected to as a child and don't think is fair.

Abuse???? You know I have been posting on MN for years and you are the first person that has actually made me angry. You truly are a vile person.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 06/03/2012 08:38

Agree with Compos. Most mature person in this is the 4 yr old. OP and DH need to learn how to back down/make peace etc where kids are concerned, as kids are the ones that get trampled under the high horses.

Moln · 06/03/2012 08:41

Aliking it to child abuse in moronic.

Someone had to look after him. How is taking him out the car to take him to ELC (as planned) using him as a weapon?

Are you imaging the OP yanked him out the carsreaming " I've got him now you fuck off for 7 hours"? OP is that what happened?

PooPooInMyToes · 06/03/2012 08:41

Why on earth would she leave the child in the car with an angry person. She did the sensible thing. Took the child to the shops which would have been a nice distraction for him. Rather then leaving him in a car with an angry bloke. How would the boy have felt then? He had done nothing wrong. Why are you suggesting leaving him in the car to feel as though he's been punished with a man who is known for going off to handle.

Stupid suggestion.

diotima · 06/03/2012 08:46

Moin I'm not the OP's partner. I'm not on either of the adults side. They need to sort out their problems between them and have the capacity to do it. Adults have this capacity. It is a lie to say they do not. When they got married they took on this obligation. It seems to me neither side is trying very hard. The child does not have the capacity to sort out the problem and should not have been brought into the dispute. It seems to me that there is a lack of courtesy and respect in the relationship between the adults. They need to sort this out. The behaviour of the husband to the wife tells a story about him. The fact that the OP involved her child tells a story about her. I don't like the sound of the story about him. I like even less the story about her.

NorthernChinchilla · 06/03/2012 08:46

What poopoo said; why you'd leave your child in the car with someone who's probably just scared the bejesus out of the poor child by shouting and swearing at his mother is beyond me.

Can't believe this is still going on, both at home and on the thread. Sadly some real arsey behaviour in both, and it isn't the OP in either case.

diotima · 06/03/2012 09:00

*PooPooInMyToes8 He was not angry with the child - he was angry with his wife. Had the situation been reversed, she would almost certainly have been angry with him and would have wanted him to shut up. She might even have told him to. Would she then have been an angry person against whom the child needed to be protected?

KRITIQ · 06/03/2012 09:28

Still think there's some folks on here desperate to prove the op's in the wrong so they can justify shitty, abusive behaviour on the part of their own "D"Ps as "normal."

Either that, or they live on Planet-Men-Are-Always-Right-and-It's-the-Woman's-Fault-If-Men-Do-Owt-That's-Bad.

diotima · 06/03/2012 09:32

I don't care who behaved worse and who needed to apologise to whom. They both needed to behave differently and apologise to each other. The step I don't like is the "apologise to me or I'm getting out of the car" and then taking the child. He said, "If you get out of the car I'm going to drive off." Then OP says, "I can't believe he just drove off and just left us." It is dangerous and foolish to play games of brinkmanship. You two have a problem. You need to sort it out. Neither side is prepared to step down and the conflict escalates. Of course it does! Work out a way of doing it differently. You both want to put each other in the wrong. OP has her story which puts her in the right. He has his which puts him in the right. So what - that is easy! Fix the problem! That is hard and will need a change of behaviour on both sides. The adults can fix this problem. Presumably they have some regard and love for each other, which is why they got married and had a child. Things have gone wrong. They need to sort out why between them. Maybe OP could climb down and show him how it's done? Then she is truly arguing from a position of strength.

pictish · 06/03/2012 09:33

OP - if I were you, I would leave this thread where it lies, and not contribute another word. It has gone off on some bizarre tangent now, where removing a child from a confrontational situation is using him as a weapon and is therefore abuse. Very odd and deeply silly. Diotima is looking for someone to rub up the wrong way, and she's succeeding.
This thread is no longer cathartic or useful for you, so leave it be.

diotima · 06/03/2012 09:47

KRITIQ There is no planet where men are always right and no planet where women are always right. Neither planets exist and no one believes in either of them. It is stupid to claim that anyone does because there is also no planet where such people exist. On out planet, men are capable of being wrong and so are women. The couple in question need to sort out their problems. There is wrong and right on both sides. They need to work out how not to piss each other off and escalate conflicts between themselves and especially how not to draw their child into that conflict.

ComposHat · 06/03/2012 09:50

Why on earth would she leave the child in the car with an angry person

They were both angry people. I can't see it is any worse to being yanked around the shops, by the other angry parent who has bundled you out of the car without your coat.

pictish · 06/03/2012 09:53

What a load of shit.

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 09:54

I just feel sorry for the poor lad who was, and still is stuck in the middle of this. Please OP try and sort this pattern of behaviour out. Having been stuck in the middle of warring parents myself I can tell you that it has a lasting and damaging affect on your child.

Of course you are not abusing your child, but yours and your DHs behaviour IS upsetting him and it WILL have a lasting effect.

I think that certain level of conflict is not unhealthy in a relationship and children will learn from seeing their parents solve these, IE kiss and make up. What your son is seeing is massively dramatic arguments over trivial irritants, not followed by both parties saying "sorry, i was an arse" because neither will get off their high horse - its very sad.

ComposHat · 06/03/2012 09:59

pictish if your post is aimed at me, care to elaborate?

bibbityisaporker · 06/03/2012 10:00

Am utterly mystified that any sane person would not classify the husband's behaviour as a MASSIVE OVERREACTION to the op being a bit arsey. Is she never allowed to criticise or disagree with him, or make slightly iffy judgement, without him leaving her 20 miles away from home, taking HER car with him, knowing full well they had no coat or keys, then spend two days not talking to her???

If that is NOT unreasonable behaviour then I honestly do not know what is!

Geordie - just ignore this diotima character. He/she is being as much of a twat as your husband.

diotima · 06/03/2012 10:10

OP - I apologise for the reference to child abuse. It was going too far. However, I wanted to shock you into realising that your DS has got drawn into a conflict between his parents. His parents are the only people who can make that conflict and the only people who can stop it. I think your DS does not want the conflict and would make it come to an end if he could. However, he cannot so he needs to rely upon his parents to do it. I hope you can sort out your problems with your husband. You need to talk, work out how the conflicts arise and work out how to stop them from happening. Above all, you need to listen to each other and re-establish trust and respect. I hope that is possible.

LunarRose · 06/03/2012 10:14

I hate to say it but I agree with Diotima.

The pair escalated the problem. OP set an ultimatum "I'm getting out the car unless you apologise" OP's DP set an ultimatum "get out he car and I'm driving off". OP thinks he would never do that so I'm getting out the car taking DS with me. OP DP's probably though she would never get out the car was cross she did and drove off leaving the child behind.

Frankly as soon as you got out that car (and frankly it might have been the best thing to do regardless) you needed to have a plan of what to do, then you could have said you were thinking off the child and might have some moral high ground. As you got out of the car because you were cross and dragged your child into it without a second thought on the impact.

NEITHER thought about the child, both only thought about winning the argument.

Absolutely disgraceful.

That's not to say there isn't a back story, but in this case both behaved stupidly.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 10:14

Conpos do you are clearly deluded.

"yanked around the shops"??? WTF!!?

We had lunch, his choice, KFC. We went to the Apple Store so he could have a play on the iPads. He had ice cream, honeycomb I believe? We went to the ELC, I went to boots for some toiletries, we had a look in Build a bear workshop then caught the bus into Glasgow, which through his eyes was a bit of an adventure.

I didn't drag him, he's 4 1/2 and my best friend. Despite the shit earlier in the day we had a lovely afternoon, as we usually do, we got home, had homemade shepherds pie, bath, story and bed.

Tosser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 10:16

Oh and there was no ultimatum of "I'm getting out if the car unless you apologise" I told him to calm down and then we could meet up and spend the afternoon as planned. No threats/ultimatums/passive aggressive shit, just trying to take control of a bad situation and make it good.

OP posts:
pictish · 06/03/2012 10:18

Yes...it was aimed at you, and Doitima, and all the other posters on here who think that to critisise the driving of a mighty man, and then stand up for yourself in the face of his verbally abusive response, is to be an equal participant in the conflict.

For instance:
They were both angry people. I can't see it is any worse to being yanked around the shops, by the other angry parent who has bundled you out of the car without your coat.

Yanked around the shops by the other angry parent?? You just made that up! That might be what YOU do after a tiff with your other half....but that's your problem, and nothing to do with the OP.

She said she removed her son from the car after (quite rightly) asking for an apology, and asked her dh to calm down before proceeding with the outing.

Don't let your determination that the OP brought this on herself, get in the way of what actually took place, will you? Give it extra arms and legs to back up your argument by all means!

LunarRose · 06/03/2012 10:19

Frankly if there are two sets of keys in the car why on earth did you not leave with one? Oh yeah that's right because you were too angry with your DP to think about what the consequences of getting out the car with your child might be.

pictish · 06/03/2012 10:21

OP set an ultimatum "I'm getting out the car unless you apologise"

Did she? Where does she say that?

lambethlil · 06/03/2012 10:21

Unfortunately being in the right is not resolving the situation.

Yes DH was massively unreasonable, but what should she do now?

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