To think Dh is totally out of order?

[Geordieminx]

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us

Did I deserve it?

Fluffi - that other thread is dreadful and you are quite right that the OP on it deserves sympathy....but that doesn't mean that you should be rude to this one in comparison.
Sulking and the silent treatment are classic tactics used by the emotional abuser. As is verbal abuse.
She snapped at him in the car, and has endured days of tension and upset by way of retaliation, as he is the sort of arrogant specimen who, while quite happy to dish out shit, thinks he is exempt from the slightest critisism and quite clearly pulls out the big guns to make sure she doesn't dare. He treated her abysmally but expected to be apologised to and placated.
In short, he feels perfectly angry to be as angry and unpleasant as he feels like, but the same courtesy is definitely NOT extended to his wife. Her anger, however trivial, is punishable.

The problems in this marriage need to be addressed, and fast. Your idea that she isn't allowed to complain because you don't perceive her problems to be as serious as someone else's, is bullshit.
Please leave this thread alone.

angry? I mean entitled....

Just to add....

She is quite right I think in now trying to maintain adult behaviour in the face of this twit's sulks. But maybe she should have done that earlier or they wouldn't be where they are now where she seems to have two children to look after: one who is 4 and the other who is a grown up but not an adult

The OP's husband's treatment of her is not her fault. It is not her responsibility to make him behave. He is not a child, and his behaviour is not misguided or needing sorted out by the OP. He is a grown adult and fully aware of what he is doing, and his actions were quite deliberate. The ownership of his behaviour should only ever be his own.

You clearly have never been in a situation or set up like the OP's.
I have.

If my husband told me to "fucking shut up" in front of our children, I would leave the car and take the children with me as well. I certainly would not expect to be left stranded 20 miles from home, and then subjected to days of silent treatment as punishment for daring to not meekly accept what aggression he wanted to dish out.

The responsibility lies purely with the dh.

pictish hello. I don't think I ever said that she wasn't entitled to complain. He seems an arse. She, as I said, is now attempting to break the pattern which is a GOOD THING. But she has surely been part of the equation before, as we all are in relationships. We train people how to treat us. For every action etc...

On another note, surely being married is about finding someone who is nice to you, to whom you can be nice in return, so that you don't have to expend emotional energy in protecting yourself and your child from the sulks and other antics. These two don't even seem to like each other. Though as ever with forums like this we dont anything or anybody for sure, do we?

poopoo hello. That thread is in relationships, it's hideous actually.

Anyway, I will bow out from this discussion as instructed, while wishing the OP well in her efforts at restoring some Adult behaviour to this situation

Well Fluffi - no abuser ever starts out being horrible - they lead their victims to beleive they ARE the nice person you describe. Emotional abuse is so insidious, that the victim does not realise how manipulated they are into accepting shoddy treatment. They are led to believe they are sinply getting what they deserve.

Yes, someone will only treat you like you let them....but if you do not realise you are being abused, it is hard to stand up for yourself against it.

Can you understand that?

This is not the first time he chucked a monumental sulk.
Normally the OP tries to appease....on this occasion she has not.
She has done well...on that we can be agreed.

pictish you asked me to leave the discussion and now you are posing me a question

Sorry Fluffi. I think this thread has got to me a bit.
I've been on the receiving end of this sort of manipulative, nasty shit too, and was told that we were "both as bad as each other" by well meaning people as well.
It makes you completely doubt your stance and yourself, and it is a monumental struggle to get out of that mindset and learn to trust your instincts that this is not right.

I think I'm projecting a bit too....but truly, no good partner ever sulks for days on end over being snapped at about traffic lanes. He expected to verbally abuse her into shutting up, and was outraged when she had the audacity to wish to remove herself and their son from his aggressive behaviour. Some of you thought that her refusal to be sworn at was her bringing this crap upon herself.
I disagree.

pictish look I don't want say anymore about this lady's situation but feel free to pm me or to start another thread. I'm sorry you've had a bad time in the past and I'm also sure we look at these postings through our own particular lense of experience.

LENS even ^

I've been on the receiving end of this too fluff. I always wondered why we couldn't communicate properly and why our relationship was so up and down. I knew obviously that the childish behaviour from my ex was the problem but over a while you start doubting yourself, especially when to other people it looks like you are a big part of the problem and your partner TELLS you that you are the one at fault.

Nothing i did or any way i reacted to him changed his behaviour. Its been incredibly unfair that so many people on this thread have said it was the ops fault and she should have reacted differently or defused the situation.

You can't make another person behave maturely if they don't want to. Op is not responsible for her husbands behaviour. It is old fashioned to suggest she is.

I've seen it on here before, a woman's husband didn't want to go to some party his mum had arranged and everyone said it was the ops responsibility to make sure he went as he was her husband and that the op was rude. Not the husband was rude, the op was rude for not CONTROLLING her husband! Our husbands and partners do have minds of their own you know.

I had to just leave my relationship in the end as it was like living in crazy land! I have gone on to have a very good long term relationship where we listen to each other and respond to each other in a mature fashion. He, the ex, has gone from one relationship to another having exactly the same problems he had with me. You can never change people like this.

There may be two people in the relationship but it only takes one to make situations like this arise and there is feck all the other person can do about it.

No YANBU. If my husband had done that he would have been begging my forgiveness! 20 miles is a long way to make your way home. Has he said anything about it to you.

My husband was driving us somewhere the other day and he was in the wrong lane so I told him and he just said 'Oh yes I am, I will change when I can' and that was it, no need for dramatics.

Do not apologise, he has done that to your son as well as you. What if something had happened. OMG.

pictish I think you've got a problem of consistency. However, I think you've resolved it but haven't come to the right conclusion about how.

You've said of DH, "He is a grown adult and fully aware of what he is doing, and his actions were quite deliberate. The ownership of his behaviour should only ever be his own."

You've said of OP: "Emotional abuse is so insidious, that the victim does not realise how manipulated they are into accepting shoddy treatment. They are led to believe they are sinply getting what they deserve."

And: "Yes, someone will only treat you like you let them....but if you do not realise you are being abused, it is hard to stand up for yourself against it. Can you understand that?"

Two people are in the relationship. Each of them has an impact on the other, but you're also right that each is responsible for their own behaviour. That's the tricky dilemma in relationships! I think there's evidence in the history of their interactions that both of them have shown themselves capable of "standing up for" themselves, but their respective ways of doing it seem to have mostly worked to get them into trouble and keep them there. It is rarely the case that "The responsibility lies purely" with either side when there's a problem. When OP and DH were each behaving as though this were the case, they were stuck.

You've also written that "Normally the OP tries to appease....on this occasion she has not." You've suggested that using appeasement to resolve stand-offs hasn't worked as a long-term solution to their way of relating to each other. It clearly hasn't! On the other hand, behaving like a school teacher (as someone put it) hasn't worked either. Nor has taking the attitude that "The responsibility lies purely with dh"

You've concluded: "She has done well...on that we can be agreed."

I also agree. However, I think the reason she's done well is she's started to behave like an adult and take responsibility for her own behaviour. Despite being "emotionally abused," she's been able to do this. However you want to put it, she's stopped making him responsible for her behaviour and decided to change it. By doing so, she's obtained the right to demand he does the same. This does not give her the right to return to being a school teacher or adopt the attitude that "The responsibility lies purely with dh." Surely, that would be to go backwards and revert to the old pattern? It will be much easier to do so than not because habits are like that. She doesn't need to be an abused wife where it's all her fault or a blaming wife where it's all his. He doesn't need to be an appeasing husband from whom an apology is demanded with threats or a 'got at' husband (or whatever he thinks he is!) teaching her a lesson. She needs to be an adult and so does he.

well done you

It's a bit late now but I don't think it's been said already - I think it's fairly possible that he picked that fight deliberately, so he could go off and do whatever it was he really wanted to do on Saturday afternoon, which didn't involve ice cream, the ELC and the Apple Store.

He sounds awful. I hope you are able to get away from him.

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Relationships now.

I was briefly in a relationship where I felt I had to apologise often to keep the peace. It's surprising how quickly that can get to you. Good luck. Stay strong.

Getting into the wrong lane is something most drivers I do occasionally. I wouldn't need anyone else to make adverse comments as I would make them about myself! Your experience sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other. You both contributed to the argument. It was, however, very unreasonable for him to go off and leave you both even though he did warn you. Never threaten what you do not intend to carry out...

Another person wishing you well GeordieMinx. I don't understand why some people thought you should be the one to placate him at all, but luckily it seems things have moved on from there. It sounds like his behaviour would be do damaging to your son - him asking why daddy have left you both is so sad. I couldn't put up with that and I'm so pleased you're taking a stand.

How are you doing Geordie? Hope you're having a fab time with ds and your parents

Your relationship is deeply troubled, isn't it. This is about more than one row, this is about a marriage that has stalled, and needs a lot of commitment from both partners in order to survive.

The communication shut-down style of your dh is fatal. I think you both need to ask yourselves what you truly want and try to discuss when you are calm. Or discuss with a counsellor (alone if he won't go).

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I do hope you can get to a better place without any more warfare.

Are you ok geordie? Pm me if you can? Just found this.

Your H has acted abominably. You are in no way BU. It was appallingly shit and irresponsible behaviour. Never mind cruel.

I was in similar position - heavily pregnant in France. He left me to make my own way home to the UK after not speaking to me for three days. Plane, taxi, train taxi. As my friend pointed out he could at least have given me the car keys to drive home from bristol airport.

It's horrid and de-stabilising. As for not acknowledging gorgeous Ds?? well, words fail me. What on earth is the matter with him?

DHusband could have at least chucked the car keys to you and said 'drive home yourself then - I'll make my own way back'. Same amount of flouncing but not as flippin cruel as abandoning you two. What an angry selfish man.

I really hope you're all ok. xx

Geordie I'm sure I have posted on a few of your threads in the past (under previous name) and I cannot believe you are still with this man!!!

I have a senseof de ja vue.

You can put the ball firmly back in his court "you asked for a seperation, I am willing to try but only if you accept that your behaviour needs to change and that x y and z are unacceptable"

Geordie I've been thinking about you a lot. To echo what others have said, you have been conditioned into thinking that you are partly responsible for this - hence posting in aibu. You are not to blame for any of this - please, there are enough of us on this thread who see the truth, please draw strength from this. He is a manipulative tosser - you must believe that he is the one who has manipulated you into accepting this shit.

I hope you're ok love and that you enjoyed the hen night - sounds like it was just what you needed x