To think Dh is totally out of order?

[Geordieminx]

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us

Did I deserve it?

I think you both lost your temper. Undercurrents tend to bubble to the surface this way. You tested him, he left you both :( in the rain, no coats!

DH was being very unreasonable.

You both very stubborn, not good for you both especially child but I know how thses things go from experience.
Life too short x

If I were you OP, I'd take the opportunity to get shot of him for good.

That doesn't help you, I know. He is the father of your child, and when you laid plans and had hopes for the future, he was certainly part of them. It is very very hard to walk away from your lovingly created aspirations of family life. I understand that perfectly.

However, as a scant observer to your life, even I can see that this guy is never going to play fair. He is always going to go home and take his ball in with him. He's a bad bad loser.
Family life has no place for winners or losers....it's a team sport that is all about taking part. No-one gets to be self appointed Captain, and you are certainly not his subbordinate.

He conducts himself appallingly and fully expects YOU to take ownership of his behaviour and award him 'man of the match'.

Fuck that. Outside the realms of your marriage, you know that it is outrageous to behave like a cunt, then expect to be deferred to and have your ego massaged and let off the hook of any responsibility.
And you also know that to comply, is to enable this grossly unfair and hypocritical, bullying and (dare I say it) emotionally abusive behaviour further still.
You guys are locked in to a pattern of behaviour that is humiliating, diminishing and damaging for you, while serving him rather satisfactorily, thank you very much.

Call his bluff and give him his seperation. I cannot see that there is anything in this relationship for you in the long term.

Again, I'm really sorry. xxx

OP You're getting very smart in my opinion. Keep behaving like a grown-up and let him choose whether to continue like a child or join you.

If you change the rules of the game to the version for adults, stick to them, and refuse to play by any other, you're giving him one choice and no excuses. I think that's called 'being in control' (in a good way)!

All possible outcomes of this strategy are good!

a) If he can't/won't play you can kick him into touch and will be ridding yourself of someone who can only ever be a source of difficulty, pain and unhappiness. Don't try to figure out whether it's can't or won't - that's his job. In truth, you can't know the answer to this question and the answer makes no difference to you - can't or won't are equally useless.

b) If he can/will play you have a potentially very happy and rewarding future together.

Don't back down on this strategy and you have a win no matter which outcome. This is called 'not backing down' (in a good way)!

Is this pair of overgrown teenagers still at it?!

I agree, I heavily suspect he's only saying it to get you to plead with him and beg him to stay. Shock the stupid bastard and tell him you couldn't agree more - you just need to know what address he's going to be using to get his mail (lawyers/csa).

Fluffi i'm assuming you've not seen the more recent posts (I don't blame you - 16 pages is a lot!) but you may want to catch up with Geordie's posts. Unfortunately things have progressed a bit and she needs a bit of support - are you able to help?

Geordie have you thought about asking MNTowers to move this to relationships or starting another thread there? I'm not sure you need to be told yabu atm

mrstired you're right I haven't caught up with the full he-said/she said. I'm just amazed that an argument in a car park is being picked over three+ days later. After a skim it seems he's now threatening to leave or has maybe even left. Some relationships seem to have lot of drama and game playing in them and as I have said further up on the thread, the child has to witness combative, hyper-emotional and sulky behaviour.

Am back.

Have asked to be moved to relationships.

Well you were right totally called his bluff, he was shocked.

Chatted a bit about the weekend, I told him I was at fault for having a go about his driving, but that what followed was unforgivable and there wasn't a person in the land that would disagree with me.

Asked his how we were going to organise the separation... Que much back peddling and "well you have obviously decided that's what you want" er I think it was you that said it

Have told him that we both need some time to think about what the other has said, and then we can sort out separation or see if we can fix this, but that things need to change and that means stop the pathetic "I'm not talking to you" he is a 47 year old man, not a 12 year old girl.

Feel like I have control of the situation. Moral high ground, and dignity.

well done you, I hope it works out (if that is what you want?)

Things need to change otherwise I am out of here. As someone rightly said, he is not the captain, or my boss, we are equal. Feels so much better to take control rather than pleading with him to talk to me. The thing is that sort of behaviour is so unlike me, I am normally strong and capable and outgoing. I need to regain that and keep it

well done!

Oh Geordie well done you.

A similar thing happened to me and DP (not to this extent tho). DP wanted everything his own way and the power balance in our relationship was unequal, so i pandered to him, thinking he would appreciate my consideration. Sadly no, it just encouraged him to be worse. One day i stopped responding to the sulking, stopped cajoling and just laughed then ignored him.

Anyway, similar to your situation, after one particularly bad over reaction/tantrum he sulked and expected me to plead and cajole. I didn't. Then he said to me he would not tolerate my behaviour anymore, and that i either never do anything like that again and apologise or leave. I said 'okay' and he smugly said good waiting for his apology then i said 'i'll move my stuff out this weekend'.

By the next day he was very adamant he did not want to break up. We started to work on it and there have been blips. But our relationship is unrecognisable to what it was and I no longer feel nervous all the time.

The first step was realising that actually i didn't deserve that (and neither did he - he was unhappy too and trapped in a cycle) and i would rather be alone than continue to feel that way. Once i had resigned myself to the worse that could happen, and that i could actually live with that and probably be happier, there was nothing to be scared of and no threat which could be held over me.

I gained confidence and once i had that confidence DP also had confidence in me. That security allowed him to be more vulnerable and less controlling and he really let go. It was like we stopped holding our breath.

I'm not sure if i'm making any sense. But i suppose what i'm saying is you will be okay either way as long as you resolve to either leave or fix it. The only thing which isn't an option is staying in the cycle you are in.

Good luck with everything - i will be rooting for you.

What did he say when you said that his 12 year old girl behaviour had to stop?

OP I was following this thread, utterly bemused at the amount of stick you were taking. I wrote a long comment but my log in timed out and I see things have moved on, he's actually communicating which is good news at least.

Your DH sounds exactly like my mum and when I was 4 I would have wanted my dad to do as you did given the situation you were in the other day.

Speaking from the POW of a child of a similar relationship, when I wasn't much older than your DS, my DM started pulling this kind of stunt with me and it was horrible. I'd never know how long she was going to ignore me for and I'd have to make careful calculations as to when to try to engage with her. Essentially, she was in a miserable place but refused to take any responsibility for herself so her frustration was directed at everyone else. This meant her misery was always just under the surface and she was liable to overreact and stay mad for days. If I spoke to her when she was still in the mood for a shout then that's what I'd get in response to my attempts to speak but if I spoke when I knew there was something coming up that she would want to know about then I'd get acknowledged.

From aged seven or eight I walked on eggshells, chided myself for arguments, obsessing about what I could have done differently this time then tiptoed around my mum trying to work out how to make her speak to me again. I stopped apologising when I realised this just meant her ire was more likely to be directed at me than my dad or my brother as she knew she didn't have the same impact on them - she had more power over me so she used it.

I realise I'm projecting hugely here but if you think you husband is likely to start pulling this stunt with your DS then I'd stay the younger he is when you separate then better if it's going to help limit his exposure to this behaviour -which I realise isn't guaranteed even if you live apart. I think the posters on here dismissing you both as immature have never been in a situation like this - my DM is so difficult to engage with because she never acknowledeges any culpability in any way and trying to meet her half way by apologising wouldn't do anything in her case other than seem to cerment her view that she was right and I/we were wrong - which she would then use as fresh ammo in the next row. It was shit - and frankly a complete headfuck.

Honestly OP being around my mum's sulky shit did me no favours. I really don't know if my post is helpful or not but if you are thinking it's best for your DS to stay together even if you think it would be best for you to seperate then think about whether your DS is ever likely to be treated in the same way you are being.

YADNBU btw. Your DH is a nobber (and my DH and I bitch about each other's driving all the time).

You done good, OP! As Spuddybean noted, you've moved both of you on to safer and saner ground. It's great to hear you sounding more confident and strong. "Moral high ground and dignity" is a good place to be! Please remember about your resolution to seek relationship counselling and make it a condition of the "fixing it" option if that's what you go for. You'll both get some extra help, support and encouragement along the road you've chosen.

I actually think he is shocked. There gas been no tears or shouting.. I have been calm and practical.

Am on packing to go to parents for hen night and to pick up ds. Am leaving straight from work tomorrow. He came upstairs and asked what I was doing so I said packing... And he says "why don't you stay here tomorrow and leave at 6 or 7 in sat nothing....

This is the same person that has refused to share a bed/room or speak to me since Sunday.

Calmly explained I had plans and had told ds I would see him tomorrow

Yes defo go. DP used to be an arse then be nice when i was going to stay away and beg me to come back/stay/cancel plans as we needed to 'talk', make up etc. I always gave in, and nothing changed. Then i stopped, and things got better.

You have to show you are going to go thru with the things you say. I was always calm and said, we can talk when i get back but i have made plans and i need space. I soon had more respect and this filtered into other areas.

Try and get some distance and use the space to think about what YOU want.

I think the posters on here dismissing you both as immature have never been in a situation like this - my DM is so difficult to engage with because she never acknowledeges any culpability in any way and trying to meet her half way by apologising wouldn't do anything in her case other than seem to cerment her view that she was right and I/we were wrong - which she would then use as fresh ammo in the next row. It was shit, and frankly a complete headfuck.

Yup.
I'm ever so glad you now feel on top of this situation, because it certainly cannot be allowed to go on. You will end up spending your entire time in a state of anxiety and walking on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting him in order to protect your wee son from the shit atmosphere his response creates. That's no life for anyone.

I have been there OP. I know what it's like to live with The Incredible Sulk. His behaviour is not because he is hurt, it is because he wants to control you and have you on edge for as long as it takes to make you back down and let him domineer. Don't allow any more of it.

Domineer? I meant dominate. Gah!

By the way - I maintain you were quite right to protest loudly at being told to 'fucking shut up'. I don't care what any of these posters have to say about that.
His language and attitude was incredibly rude, disrespectful and aggressive, and only a mug would sit there and tolerate being spoken to like that, as if it were somehow acceptable and understandable. I can only imagine what sort of poor treatment they put up with, or dish out, in their relationships.
I know, because I used to normalise and minimise that sort of treatment too. I used to be one of those mugs that would've told you that you escalated the situation by reacting as you did as well.
No longer though. I certainly don't and wouldn't for a second excuse my husband speaking to me like that.
You were right. xxxx

Well done Geordie, you are doing so well - stay calm, stay strong and don't rise to the bait.

Fluffi - I have never said anything like this to a poster before: Geordie needs support. She has had more than enough flack to last a lifetime in this thread. If you can't say anything constructive I suggest you hide the thread. I genuinely thought you had simply not caught up with the latest so i'm flabberghasted and disappointed to see that you saw fit to post what you did

mrstired I am sorry if you feel I haven't been 'supportive' enough. There is another thread in Relationships called Fuck, Fuck and Shitting Fuck where the OP is having to deal with partner who has raped her. I feel a lot of sympathy for the OP in that particular case. It must be beyond awful.
If I remember correctly the OP in this thread (Geordie) posted her issue in AIBU and said early on that she had picked on her husband's driving, got out of the car and told him not to come back until he'd calmed down. He seems then to have thrown an almighty sulk. She is quite right I think in now trying to maintain adult behaviour in the face of this twit's sulks. But maybe she should have done that earlier or they wouldn't be where they are now where she seems to have two children to look after: one who is 4 and the other who is a grown up but not an adult

Fluffi - I have never said anything like this to a poster before: Geordie needs support. She has had more than enough flack to last a lifetime in this thread. If you can't say anything constructive I suggest you hide the thread. I genuinely thought you had simply not caught up with the latest so i'm flabberghasted and disappointed to see that you saw fit to post what you did

Um...this was posted in AIBU, not Relationships. Sanctimonious, moi?

Well done on being the adult, OP. Sounds like you and DP have a dynamic that needs to be broken. Good luck.

Gosh i'm really sorry to offend, as my name suggests I do have a tendency towards confusion! I didn't realise that aibu requires posters to have such a total lack of sympathy or understanding towards people who are having a shit time (fyi fluffi i'm on that thread- look me up sometime!) I guess i'm going to hang around the craft threads for a while until i've sharpened my knives - cheers for the heads up.

Geordie I hope you got to your parents ok and that you're having big cuddles with your ds! H aside, have you had any thoughts about what you might want to do?

Fluff where is this thread you mentioned? Haven't seen that and can't find it.