To think Dh is totally out of order?

[Geordieminx]

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us

Did I deserve it?

Is it The New Face of MN, do you think? I really do hope not.

karmabeliever Someone mentioned something earlier about pots and kettles! This ridiculous man has just spent 2 days giving his wife the silent treatment because by speaking to her he might be implying in some way he was in the wrong. He's been rightly condemned for this in hundreds of posts with words such as baby, 3 year-old, passive-aggressive and abusive being used. Now they have an opportunity to speak you're suggesting OP shouldn't because he might take it as a sign she's admitting she's in the wrong!!!

Vicky2011 Who said anything about backing down? Since when is talking backing down? Who thinks this? Oh, I remember - OP's husband!

Sounds like a complete over-reaction by your DH to me, but that is also simular to the way my DH has reacted on occasion when I dared to critise him when he is in a bad mood, but it usually involves him getting out of the car in a strop and says he will walk home, not me! He once did this when we were miles from home in the middle of nowhere, I went back for him several times to try and pursuade him to get in the car, with my DC getting upset as they were worried about their dad, but he refused, so, in the end I let him walk the 8miles home, in the rain, without a coat. He would never dare do it to me or DC though, he would get lynched! He needs to back down and apologise, because whatever you said and did, it was not right for him to abandon both you and your DS like that!

diotima, I say that because this is how their pattern goes. He sulks for days and refuses to speak, she ends up being the one to make peace, he thinks he's won and nothing ever changes. By cracking first, he thinks this is an effective way to always get what he wants. And he's not wrong, is he. Bet she thinks twice the next time she criticises him.

Truthfully, I couldn't bring myself to speak to someone who'd spent days ignoring me. I'd have got to the point where I just thought 'fuck it, life's too short' and would be getting legal advice to dissolve this horrible, horrible relationship.

Who said anything about backing down? Since when is talking backing down? Who thinks this? Oh, I remember - OP's husband!

Agree. Someone has to be the adult as there is a child involved.

karmabeliever I'd be getting legal advice too after I'd made sure I wasn't one side of the horrible horrible relationship. If I was different and he was still the same, then I'd know it wasn't me. I'd want to be absolutely certain on this point.

How's it going geordie? Been thinking of you

Told him we need to talk, he says he wants us to separate. That was it.

Oh Geordie :( How are feeling?

Geordie, by the sounds of it, it might be a blessing in the long term (although I am sure it doesn't feel like it now.)
Perhaps get this moved to relationships or start a new thread there?

Him told regardless of whether we split or stay together we actually need to start and communicate because this ridiculous silent treatment is getting him no where, and that we have a small boy that is already starting to pick up Ob the situation which is not on.

An interested to see how he thinks split is going to work, I gave up a good job when I had ds, and Alrhough I work ft not enough to support us both. If he thinks I'm gonna just leave the house with ds and leave him to it then he is mistaken unfortunately

Oh Geordie :(

I have name changed for this for various reasons

Your DH sounds exactly like my husband in his reaction to arguments

He would walk out (often overnight and never telling me where he was going or when he'd be back). When he did return I would get the silent treatment, often for a week or ten days. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife

I would always end up aplogising, just to put an end to the sulking - even when it wasn't my fault. Of course that made me felt resentful

By then, so much time had passed since the row that we would never discuss the original problem and hence it would fester and simmer and stew until we next argued like a big vicious circle

He never once ever apologised to me for anything. Any criticism of him (real or imagined) was met with fury. He often took his moods / anger / sulks out on the DC :(

I am not sorry to say that we have been separated for 5 years. Only when we split did he show any sorrow, remorse or insight for what he had done over our 10 year marriage

Any point in suggesting relationship counselling? Do you still love him? Will you miss him?

geordie - oh
agree with others it cant go on like this
u will be much better off without him

Oh Greordie im sorry. I do think you would be better off without you. His attitude towards your marriage has been unacceptable for a long time.
If you do seperate tell your solicitor everything.
Dont worry about embarrassing him or sparing his feelings.
He certainly hasnt worried about sparing yours.
He is guilty of neglect as well as unreasonable behaviour.

Sorry i meant you would be better off without HIM.

Do go and talk to a solicitor, and get your side of things moving. I think its going to come as a shock to him, that he doesn't get to just dump you, he has to talk to someone (even if its a judge).

YANBU, your DH was totally out of order.

Objectively, it seems like utter utter madness to separate over this incident.

Oh Geordie (((((hugs)))) I'm sorry love

Mummytime is spot on - I know its very quick but i think you should be looking to get some legal advice ASAP. Also in light of what an immature twat he is I think you should probably get all your important documents together and hide them from him- just in case he tries to take/hide them to spite you. I'd probably also do the same with your car keys - just in case he leaves and decides to take your "nippier" car.

I'm sorry you're going through this, stay strong - you can get through this x

Amateur its not just this. I suggest you pop over to Relationships and look for some of the OPs older threads.

So sorry OP.

I have to say, given the style of communication in your relationship (double-guessing/game-playing/projecting/etc), he may be saying he wants to separate even though he doesn't. In other words: he could be saying it in order to elicit a response from you rather than because he means it. That's the problem with the two of you carrying on in the way you do - too much bluff, double bluff, point-scoring, concern about who's backing down, who's admitting to what, who's to blame, who's more hurt, how things may be seen/interpreted, what the other thinks, etc, etc. It's silly and dangerous.

Let's say he 'knows' you don't want to separate (although, of course, he can't be certain, but he's an idiot so he's going to double-guess you). Therefore he's safe to say he wants to separate because it's a good power play (hoping you won't call his bluff)! I'm not saying that's how it is - I'm saying that's how it could be. In this crazy world, he doesn't want to separate but instead of making himself vulnerable by saying so, he says the opposite because he 'knows' you don't want to and will step down. He thereby achieves the outcome he wants, i.e., no separation, but without exposing his vulnerability. The only way to avoid these pitfalls is honesty, respect and trust. It's hard to commit to these things and involves risk, but the alternative is a tangled web with even greater risks!

It may be your DH is too much of a child to participate in a relationship based on honesty and respect. If so, best to move on!

I think he's putting the scarers on you because you haven't followed previous form and backed down and apologised to him for 'making' him behave like an insufferable turd.
Of course I could be wrong...but I reckon this is the next step in his arsenal.
The silent treatment hasn't worked, as no apology from you has been forthcoming as yet....and you haven't even attempted to beseech him out of his sulk. The dummy he spat out remains stubbornly on the floor.
To add insult to injury, you have even broached discussing it like adults, rather than pandering to his tantrum like you normally would.
What is an arrogant, precious, diddums to do next, but threaten a split??

As I say...I could well be wrong...but I'd bet my last tenner it's a tactic to make you crumble and accept his revolting behaviour.

I'm so sorry OP - he is being awful. What are you going to do?

Pictish I think you are exactly right.

I plan to sit down with him tonight and see how he thinks things are going to work out, what exactly he wants, since he is saying that he thinks we should seperate. But the ball back into his court.

He's pissef because I haven't mooched around the house this week begging for his forgiveness. He has resorted to this for effect. Will see if he can back it up.

Aside from that, am looking into counselling, marriage and sexual, even if it's something I go to myself

Unfortunately Diotima I think from reading Geordie's previous posts that actually the point scoring etc seems to be favoured by her h rather than herself - it looks like she has been struggling to deal with his ridiculous behaviour. Not sure if there is a problem with communication within the relationship rather than a problem with his attitude.