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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 21:42

Geordie he is acting like a giant manchild. Sorry didnt mean to take it off topic.
He is abusive. He feels his masculinity is threatened and is projecting on to you.
If you stayed with this man and he got sick as people sometimes do when they get older imagine what it would be like looking after him when he gets into these moods and being ill will make him ten times worse.

PandaWatch · 06/03/2012 21:43

OP assuming you're not planning on leaving your husband over this I think for all your sakes the best thing you can do is sit him down and talk everything through with him. Explain to him exactly how his behaviour has and continues to affect both you and your son and ask him to explain why he is still behaving like he is. Hear him out (even if it means biting your tongue and keeping eye rolling under control!) and then see how you can move on from there.

I appreciate you feel that it is your husband in the wrong but this situation must be causing all three of you real stress. It's just not worth it. Be the bigger person.

I really hope you get this all resolved soon.

diotima · 06/03/2012 21:44

OP It's pretty lame so I can understand the reaction, but it's a start! The first time you spoke to him, which I think you described as communicating something "informational," you got silence. When you finally got round to suggesting you needed to talk, he declined - pretty lame, but maybe he wasn't ready to enter into a discussion at precisely that point. He said "no." Now he's initiated a conversation, albeit over something informational. He's stopped the silent treatment because you made a positive gesture. It may be he also had an initial impulse to kick your face in, but he chose just to say "no" instead. Now he's made a gesture. You're moving in the right direction. In the end you're going to need to talk and you're moving in that direction. Keep suppressing the impulse to kick his face in and you'll keep moving in the right direction Smile. You're better off than you were a few hours ago. Well done!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 21:45

No, not doing anything for him.

Ds is at parents this week so no need to pack up. Thought about booking into a hotel for the week but thought why the fuck should I? I like my house.

I am fine though. Baked some scrummy muffins and am now in bed.. Can't see me getting disturbed.

Parents appalled by his behaviour, but are obviously aware this isn't the first incident

OP posts:
pictish · 06/03/2012 21:47

You must be so embarrassed and frustrated about his lack of manners OP.

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 21:50

What a fucking idiot he is. He doesnt deserve you Geordie.

BareBums · 06/03/2012 21:50

What are you actually going to do about him OP?

Jux · 06/03/2012 21:52

Geordie, why are you still with him? His behaviour is laughable and ridiculous. Do you want to be with a 58yo toddler who still sulks for days, of more you and your ds in 10 yrs' time? DS will be 14 by then and may - only may - have learnt that this is how men treat women.

I don't know your back-story, but it doesn't sound good, and doesn't bode well for your future, either. Sad for you. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this sort of crap from a grown up, and if it were anyone else you'd drop them like a hot potato, wouldn't you?

G1nger · 06/03/2012 21:52

I haven't read the past 14 pages...

But I will say that if you can't both hold things together for the sake of your son, your son deserves better. Grow the fuck up, both of you,

Jux · 06/03/2012 21:53

"of more" is obviously ignore Hmm

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 21:54

diotima that whole post you wrote just reads that there is one rule for the man and another for the woman.
Its ok for him to not be ready to talk but not for her...hmmm

gemma4d · 06/03/2012 21:55

Gah, just wanted to post a message of support. What a twunt.

BTW I live in a tiny place and VERY occasionally go and drive in England. Talk about culture shock, I get lost constantly and its all soooo confusing and soooo fast. I do have arguments disagreements with my husband, but I know its just the stress talking. Worst case scenario I will shout at him that I can't do xxx (most often change lane!) and thats the end of the argument - a few seconds. We both know its just a few seconds of the stress taking over! So he was DEFINITELY being unreasonable... not to mention the ignoring which is DOUBLY unreasonable!

PandaWatch · 06/03/2012 21:59

OP I've just read through the thread properly and seen you've tried to talk to him so I amend my advice to talk AT him until he starts engaging with you.

I reckon a big part of this is that he's mega embarrassed about how he reacted but by acting like the hard done by one he doesn't have to admit he's in the wrong.

lisbethsopposite · 06/03/2012 22:07

Geordie - YANNNNNBU!!!
This lunatic reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. We were engaged and you have given me an eerie insight into what our marriage would have been. He always sulked and I coaxed him out of the bad humour, even if he was 100% wrong in the first place. He had wonderful good points, but would sulk pathologically at every perceived wrong. By pathologically, I mean until I pleaded with him to give it up. It could be hours, days or weeks. He just went on until I broke.

Eventually, 4 years later, I decided bolloks and left. Got a great husband now. I actually feel a tightness in my heart as I read about your situation.
I think you need to see a councillor (to see this relationship with fresh eyes) and a divorce lawyer Sad

diotima · 06/03/2012 22:12

He's just spent a couple of days in sulking silence. You made it clear you're waiting for him to apologise, but he's not going to so maybe there's nothing to say. He's also waiting for you to apologise, but you have absolutely no intention either! Stalemate! Then you finally say something sensible! An hour and a half later he comes to talk to you. Whether you like it or not, he's responded! You're still feeling resentful - that's fine. However, you're giving ground to each other. That's better than digging ever deeper holes.

Okay - I've got a suggestion.

When he gets back from the physio, go ask him how it went rather than sulking in your room like a teenager. If you don't want to be seen climbing down then be in the kitchen when he returns.

diotima · 06/03/2012 22:20

carernotasaint That's not how it works. What's going on is hurt feelings and pride. Getting back is a game of chess with neither wanting to give way too much. When one makes a move, the other needs some time to think. His initial reaction to OP's 'can we talk' was "no". Her initial reaction to him breaking his silence was to kick him in the teeth. Her second reaction was to go and hide in her room and make him come to her. It's all normal stuff.

Whatmeworry · 06/03/2012 22:24

Agree with diotima, with a reconciliatory bonk by Friday I'm sure - but Lordy it reminds me of teenage drama lamas. I'd bet this is the standard pattern, but with the spats getting bigger.

diotima · 06/03/2012 22:31

Whatmeworry It is very teenage. What you need to do, OP, is to get talking again. Then you need to talk properly. You guys should be way past this stuff. See my earlier post about seeing a relationship counsellor. I don't think you'll do it yourselves. If you could, you wouldn't have got where you are.

hugeheadofhair · 06/03/2012 22:53

Crikey, I read this thread on Sunday evening and can't believe there's still a saga ongoing!

I would never have accepted him swearing at me, but I would have told him "don't swear at me like that ever again, I don't deserve it, it's rude and upsetting" but I would never demand an apology of another adult! You do that with a child, who still has to learn when to apologise. An adult should know after you've informed them that they've upset you that they need to apologise. If they don't, well, that says more about them than you, but to demand an apology is patronising and only serves to escalate things. Which it did. Then calling each other's bluff, both escalating things further. So immature.

Having said that, he does seem to be the more immature one, sulking for DAYS!!! So it's probably up to you to be the mature one IF you want this resolved, and back track a bit to give him the space to do his bit (perhaps even an apology if you're lucky). You could always decide that this is not the kind of relationship you want to be in, because if this behaviour is a pattern in your relationship, escalating relatively little things into ridiculously big issues, you're better off without.

Good luck with it!

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 22:58

be in the kitchen when he returns? Speaks volume this diotima.

diotima · 06/03/2012 23:29

carernotasaint They need to talk.

OP finally decided to take the high ground. Rather than press home the advantage, she needs to stay there and invite him to join her.

What they're good at is escalating problems and getting into trouble. What they're bad at is getting out of trouble. It needs to be the other way round.

Once they're talking again, they need to have a serious discussion about whether they actually want to continue the marriage. If they do, they need to recognise the above problem and get serious about fixing it long term cos otherwise, as Whatmeworry suggested, they'll keep repeating the same pattern.

If waiting in the kitchen is too much of a climb-down - fine! Go down in the morning and ask him whether he wants a coffee. She's not giving anything away - just trying to get to a place where they can discuss their problems. What OP mustn't do is cop out once they are talking. It's not about winning the current battle, but about getting to a place where they can talk about how to stop battling.

puchai · 06/03/2012 23:42

I think it's time this thread was transferred to Jeremy Kyle for some proper advice, buoyed by baying, unemployed low lifes interested parties.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/03/2012 07:47

I wouldn't start talking to him, i would just start the process of divorce.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/03/2012 08:46

Same here, Poo. He will take any sign of her speaking to him as her way of admitting she was in the wrong. This will blow over - until the next time she criticises him, of course, when it will all begin again.

Do you really want to be married to a man who behaves like this?

Vicky2011 · 07/03/2012 11:31

I still find the most disturbing element of this thread is the number of people who think the OP should be the one the back down. I genuinely thought I was a bit of a wuss at home until I read this thread. You live with a power-crazed bully Geordie, time to ask what you're getting out the marriage, sadly. But then you know that.