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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
diotima · 06/03/2012 13:16

Rikalaily In truth, you don't know what the relationship is like on either side because you're not in it. Everything you've written could be written in a different way. It doesn't matter how I write the story or how you write it. It only matters how they write it individually and together.

mummytime I agree he's behaved ridiculously. However, OP is a little bit too determined to prove she's in the right, discount her own contribution, talk his up, and see his stubbornness while being blind to her own. I haven't yet spotted any action that might actually contribute towards fixing the problem (waiting doesn't count!). I think you probably aren't like this, which may help to explain why your DH isn't like him.

diotima · 06/03/2012 13:19

OP Now you're bringing in shepherds pie and physio! They are not the problem. You and your husband are the problem. Sort out the problem if you want to save your marriage.

onebigchocolatemess · 06/03/2012 13:46

Geordieminx ignore the haters, its all got a bit ridiculous. YANBU

Rikalaily · 06/03/2012 13:56

diotima Someone doesn't need to be in the relationship to know what type it is, I see similar every day. Relatives of mine have a similar setup, where one ignores the other for days/weeks on end over the smallest of things. It is used as a punishment, to make the other party feel bad and small, so they can avoid apologising for thier poor behaviour and manipulating/pressuring the other into apologising instead which makes them feel validated and right in thier actions. Yes the OP snapped at him, but his following behaviour was way way way out of line by a mile, not just towards the OP but he had no consideration for his child either. His behaviour since then is very manipulative and 'putting someone into coventry' in a relationship is considered a form of abuse.

OhdearNigel · 06/03/2012 14:05

OP, your account of events is that you were perfectly nice and reasonable and that DH was a rude, objectionable twat. Your DHs account will be the polar opposite of that. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle

anyway, arguing who is wrong and who is right is pointless because that's not the issue. the issue is that you are both too stubborn to admit fault. Do you really want to spend the whole week like this ? Is it really worth all this unpleasantness just to be in the right ? I couldn't be bothered with it, no matter how much it was not my fault.

hellokittyrules · 06/03/2012 14:07

hi georgie - wow alot of harsh comments not helping you on here Shock
does sound like your dh behaves not in the right way usually i dont know how you put up with it !! and he is 48!!!!!! seriously he acts 10 or younger
what a great example to his son Hmm
you did everything i would have done in this situatition !!
how long does he usually not spk for?!
i dont go shopping with my dh as he gets to stressed

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 14:08

I'm sure I said I had a go at him about his driving/inability to drive to somewhere we have been 100 times. That was my fault. Hmm

OP posts:
hellokittyrules · 06/03/2012 14:11

my dh moans about my driving and it is very annoying
i dont have a go at him

fedupofnamechanging · 06/03/2012 14:14

I can get my head around two adults having a row, being a bit hot headed, saying things they shouldn't have said and then one of them storming off in the car (although think his response was way ott and totally inappropriate in front of your child). But, not coming back for you and ignoring you for days is cold and cruel.

I honestly couldn't live with a man like this - he is supposed to be the one who loves you most in the whole world. This behaviour is not what a man who loves you, would do. More importantly it is not kind. I would not want this environment for my children.

I would have no respect for him, by this point. I don't know your back story, but if this kind of thing is a regular occurrence, you really would be better off leaving him.

OhdearNigel · 06/03/2012 14:16

yes Geordie, you've said what you said - but nobody can tell the tone in which you said it, the expression your face was making or whether this is a topic you know is going to rile him up.

If I told you that I went in and started brushing my teeth while DH was in the bathroom this morning and he hit the roof you would think I was being reasonable. However if I had I would have been doing it to be unpleasant because he has a phobia about people brushing their teeth and it's something that I know well. So a comment that might sound perfectly reasonable written down in black and white can wear a completely different colour when put in context

bibbityisaporker · 06/03/2012 14:17

I would honestly love to hear the dh's side of this story. I would be incredibly interested to see how he would attempt to justify his actions.

OhdearNigel · 06/03/2012 14:26

If DH had passed a sarky little comment about my ability to drive somewhere (and, to be frank, from your some of your responses on here you certainly sound as if you are capable of making snide remarks) I would have told him to fuck off out of the car and walk home. If he had actually done that and then told me in a passive aggressive, smug and patronising manner "why don't you drive round until you've calmed down" I would have done exactly what your DH did. What I wouldn't have done is had a massive teenage sulk afterwards.

It sounds to me as if you know exactly how to push your DHs buttons

musicismylife · 06/03/2012 14:31

So, you lot are going to argue and spit your dummies out of the pram over an argument in which the OP and her husband spit their dummies out of the pram? Hmm

Pot
Kettle
Black

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 16:58

Geordieminxs DH has a problem in a certain department for a long while that he has REFUSED to get any help for.
I have an insight into this because i am in a similar situation.
So no i dont think hes trying to engineer a split. Far from it. Hes trying to put her in her place. He doesnt want a wife he wants a housekeeper.
To the person who suggested that she "cook a nice meal" yes of course she should like a good little housekeeper.
Just goes to show that on planet "the Man is Always Right," Geordies DH is thriving cos as little women we are expected to keep our legs closed and our mouths shut,get back to the kitchen and do as we are told.
Hope your ok Geordie.

diotima · 06/03/2012 17:52

musicismylife Nicely put!

I think OP's 'best friend' is almost certainly stuffed. However, while he's being stuffed each of his parents will have the consolation of knowing they're in the right. Neither parent is serious about fixing the problems between them, assuming they know how. After they split, DS will become the focus and the centre of new problems, which they will continue to 'solve' in their present style. He will find himself nicely in the middle of this. That's my prediction.

QueenCess · 06/03/2012 18:09

carer people who feel inadequate often have to pull a big drama out of the bag.

However, it is entirely possible that he considers his problem as her fault and so is projecting his anger onto her in this disgraceful way. It would explain the disproportionate response.

carernotasaint · 06/03/2012 18:15

QueenCess you put it much better and more succintly than i did. Totally agree.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/03/2012 18:40

BREAKTHROUGH!!!

He has spoken to me!!!

Me: "would you like to talk, try and sort this out"

Him: "no"

What fucking chance do I have??

Am in bed drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching Hollyoakes so not all bad Blush

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 06/03/2012 18:41

What a baby!

pictish · 06/03/2012 18:45

Never mind Geordie - perhaps you should consider making him a nice dinner? Wink

QueenCess · 06/03/2012 18:45

I wouldn't bother myself then Geordie.

Not another ounce in the direction of this sad excuse for an adult.

PooPooInMyToes · 06/03/2012 18:46

Did someone actually say that!? Shock

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 18:47

carernotasain it was me who suggested that Geordie should cook her husband a meal and try and move on from this argument. This was before it became apparent that there were previous issues ith the OPs marriage. Had you read my next post you will see that my next suggestion after that was that she should still cook the meal, but just lace it with arsenic :(

QueenCess · 06/03/2012 18:47

Humble pie?

QueenCess · 06/03/2012 18:49

He should be making HER a dinner ( or ten)....... But he would probably spit in it the spiteful little shite.