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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 12:22

Yeah I could tell them it's just I feel ashamed I guess and then there's the thought of if things work out it may put a strain on relationships between everyone.

My mum is single so no drama in telling her. But my dad and step mum live about three houses away from the in laws. My fil is my dads boss and my mil and EnvyBlushstep mum used to work together.

If I tell anyone it will probably be his parents at some point to try to explain I'm not a wicked pregnant lady but things are getting too much. They would frankly be disgusted I'm sure. I'm up in the village where they all live now anyway so if I don't hear anything from him for a few hours I may pop round to see if any of them are in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 12:23

No idea about the random faces in that

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 04/03/2012 12:26

Tell your family what is going on.

This is serious, and you need support.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

AyeRobot · 04/03/2012 12:46

This isn't your shame to bear, Close. And you need the support, because you sure ain't getting it from him at the moment.

Are you worried about what his reaction would be if you told anyone?

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 12:49

Ok so its a one off shitting while drunk episode, now without downplaying in any way the hugeness of the issue for you OP ie waking up to the stench and having your sleep totally disturbed, I think some posters here are reading way too much into this. Suggesting there are motives of disrespect and deliberate intentions to 'show you your place' by shitting himself are laughable.

For whatever reason [cant handle his drink? bad tummy co inciding with being too drunk?] he was in a drunken state and crapped himself, then made a poor drunken attempt to clean up, note that he did attempt to clean up.

OP id be pissed off if I were you, it really cant have been a pleasant experience, but is this man the only person alive to have done something regretable and embarrassing while drunk?

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 12:51

To the OPs DH I would say; you need to have a serious look at your drinking habits, because drinking to the point of not knowing what you are doing and loss of bodily functions is a huge problem and needs sorting.

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 12:52

I think him sleeping on and not cleaning up is hugely significant. Amber you are giving him way too much leeway

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 12:53

noddy, hes probably hung over? but yes, I was about to add that he needs to clean up pronto. before OP gets home, she shouldnt have to sleep out cos her house stinks of shit whhile he nurses a hang over.

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 12:55

You can go to work hungover and look after kids he could clean up his own shit.

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 12:56

Hopefully thats what hes doing right now.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 04/03/2012 12:58

Now you're being silly. Unless I've read this totally wrong, he's got up and tried to put the dirty things in the wash, to find that you've prevented him doing so by putting other things in the wash. He can't win.

He's been a twat of the highest order, but this isn't normal behaviour for him. If you deliberately stop him clearing up his mess, you're starting to lose the moral high ground.

Heleninahandcart · 04/03/2012 13:03

Close this really is appalling. It is a big deal, it is wrong on so many levels. You are pregnant and he knowingly goes out and literally brings this shit back to you in your home, bathroom where you would get clean, your bed, his child's bed, your washer where you could clean up your bedding and towels. He has left you nowhere clean and safe except your kitchen table. You are now tired and wandering about outside with nowhere to go.

This is not your fault, you do not have to keep quiet, you must tell your Mum and imo his parents. This has to stop. Can you even begin to imagine the consequences if he does this in front of DSS or your new baby?

flippinada · 04/03/2012 13:10

I think you'd have to go quite some way...a very long way in fact to 'lose the moral high ground' over a grown man who shits himself and then smears shit all over the house and his pregnant partner, *Girlwithallamatattoo'. In fact, I'm not sure how you could fail to have the moral high ground over someone like that.

I wonder how his son would feel if he knew that Dad has smeared shit in his bed as well.

Close. You aren't the one who should be ashamed, he is.

flippinada · 04/03/2012 13:11

Hmm, formatting went to pot there, apologies.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 04/03/2012 13:12

He can't win? Well he could have got himself up at a decent time and started to clean up before the OP put another wash on and what's with the passive aggressive (again) 'Bye' text? He expects the OP to go and say goodbye whilst he lies in his pit. His efforts at making amends are shit (appropriately).

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 13:13

I know He can't win? Hmm what bollocks he is a disgrace

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 04/03/2012 13:15

I don't think she is trying to stop him from clearing up but her trust has been totally shattered and taking into account the fact he is likely to be tired hung over pee'ed off and not exactly in a state to really take care in what he's doing, I can see exactly y she doesn't want him using the only piece of equipment she has to clean the child's and her bedding. :)

Lueji · 04/03/2012 13:17

I'd have to agree about the washing. If anything I'd have done my own early in the morning so it was finished by the time you left.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you to consider very carefully your relationship with this man.
You have put yourself in a vulnerable position and it seems that he is trying to use it to dominate you as wrongly as possible.
Of course he doesn't want anyone to know.
That was typical of my ex and when I got enough I made sure everyone knew why.
You did the right thing confiding in here at least.
He doesnt want you hearing from other people how wrong he is. He wants you isolated in dealing with him.
The fact that he split from his ex adds up to huge red flags.

Re the house, if nit perfect thus evening, I'd give him a deadline to be spotless, or don't bother coming back. You need a proper apology and a promise of no more of this behaviour.
Besides, you can't back down on his contribution at home. If he can't get better now he never will.

SixtyFootDoll · 04/03/2012 13:17

What a disgusting thing to do OP.
I hope you made it clear to your DH that you won't be back until everything is clean and fresh.
Am a bit bemused as to why you told him to leave the washer alone though? How can he wash the sheets etc?

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 13:19

You are now tired and wandering about outside with nowhere to go

Is she?

I thought she was spending the day with her family? currently at a footie match?

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 13:22

Maybe he doesnt want her telling people becaue hes embarrassed at shitting himself?! rather than being an evil manipulative controller?

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 13:23

Sorry i under no circumstances wanted him to pile everything up and put it in a washer he barely knows how to use. Inconvenience or whatever I love my washer ( a bit sad like that ) it cost me a fortune and I would not be able to replace it if anything goes wrong or he puts piles of shit in it.

If that's me being what ever you said so be it. But it would be me that has washing a smelling of shit for the next week or so. Which would leave me at a inconvenience having to re wash things time and time again.

No he made no effort to clean anything last night he just took his jeans of and stuck them in the washer. Didn't put it on just thought that looked like a nice place to store shitty trousers over night

Sorry if missed anything can't see thread as on phone

OP posts:
noddyholder · 04/03/2012 13:25

God Amber you are an abusers dream!

Mumsyblouse · 04/03/2012 13:28

Well, on a practical level, ditch the jeans and the pants (get him to put them in a black plastic sack) and only wash the lightly soiled towels/bedding on a boil wash.

If it was a one-off I would still be as mad as heck, but inclined just to make him grovel for months. If it was a sign of an alcohol problem, I'd be seriously reassessing whether this was what I wanted for me and my future child.

flippinada · 04/03/2012 13:29

I would take it as read that he doesn't want people to know as he's ashamed AmberLeaf - as he should be. He should also be deeply ashamed of the way he has treated his pregnant partner.