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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 16:11

Wtaf!!!! His laid on the kitchen floor in front of the radiator using his dressing gown as a pillow.

I'm going to have a google of local hotel prices I think I may have a break down if I stay here much longer

OP posts:
scarletforya · 04/03/2012 16:12

Please do love. Get the fuck out of there.

Fayrazzled · 04/03/2012 16:14

Ring his mother and ask her to come round to deal with her disgusting, shameful mess of a son. And get the hell out of there. his mum's, your mum's, a friend's or hotel.

scarletforya · 04/03/2012 16:14

Sorry but this reminds me of my ex (alcho) he'd do stuff like this then to try to get out of it after he would play the pity card. Watch out for that, he's trying to elicit pity as it's the only card he has to play.

Either that or he has ebola virus or something.

Fayrazzled · 04/03/2012 16:15

(And I don't actually mean for his mother to do the cleaning). Rather his parents need to give him what for. He's not listening to you, perhaps his mother of father can make him see his behaviour for what it is. Totally unacceptable.

scarletforya · 04/03/2012 16:16

I don't see why his Mother should have to do it. Leave him there to stew in his own shit.

scarletforya · 04/03/2012 16:16

Oops, sorry Fayrazzled cross posted.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 16:18

There £70+ :( I'm screwed physically and mentally I need sleep. Think it may be resorting to gas masks and my mums. But then after a few hours of me wheezing etc and I can't stand with it any longer, then I'll end up coming home with my tail between my legs. Is this just going to make things worse?

OP posts:
redwineandchocolate · 04/03/2012 16:23

If he really won't clean up in his current state, maybe booking a deep clean on his credit card isn't such a bad idea. He can bloody well make it up to you over the next few weeks but you can't live in that mess.
Also, if you can't leave, I would tell him to go and stay at his parents. Surely he's ashamed of himself enough that he would do that? Just tell him to get out.

Bohica · 04/03/2012 16:24

Have you asked him how much he had to drink? Is there a chance he may have been spiked?

I can't understand why he is lying on the floor, it just sounds very odd.

Has he ever done anything like this before?

I really feel for you.

Nyac · 04/03/2012 16:24

Is there really not anywhere else. What about your dad's, your brother's, a friend's?

His parents house?

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2012 16:26

I think he's lying on the floor, Bohica, because everywhere else is covered in shit.

If he goes to his parents' house, OP, make bloody sure you're not cleaning it all up.

lolaflores · 04/03/2012 16:28

I want to know who was the alcoholic in his life in the past? Why he did not manage a relaltionship with mother of his child? How are things with his own mum/dad? The answers are all there for you, just lay it all out for yourself and have a good long think. I think his input so far has proved his inability to take responsibility for much. You take care of yourself and your baby. I ignored this stuff far too late and got into right old state. However, I did get myself out and moved on and am grateful for all I have learned in doing that. But, dearie me, there are easier ways of living your life.

Dee03 · 04/03/2012 16:29

So sorry you're going through this...he sounds like a complete arse.
I've got nothing else to add which hasn't been said already but this would be a deal braker for me I'm afraid.
He has no respect for you at all

GeraldineHoHoHobergine · 04/03/2012 16:29

I had a friend to stay last week op and she peed all over my setee when pissed. Like your dp she didnt clean up after herself and actually moved off the sofa and onto the floor without getting changed or anything. This is the second time she's done this. It's not the pee, it's the complete lack of respect for me, my ds and my dp. She didn't even apologise. She doesn't understand why I am not talking to her. Some people are completely unfathomable. I really feel for you, go to your mums and take care of yourself.

CiderwithBuda · 04/03/2012 16:38

Tell him - very loudly - to start cleaning NOW or you will text every one he knows to tell them what he has done and that he is refusing to clean it up.

And if he had a bath and then left the bath in that state he is actually still covered in shit himself! It doesn't miraculously disappear. He needs to wash properly and then shower. He needs to disinfect the bath.

And if he doesn't do it I would be texting people. The initial incident was bad but there is no earthly way he is still too drunk to clean up.

BalloonSlayer · 04/03/2012 16:39

Have you suggesting giving him a list of what actually needs to be done?

He might be doing that pathetic male thing of saying "well I can't see what needs doing can I?"

Could you itemise it

  • clean shitty bath with X and Y. Throw away cleaning cloths afterwards
  • wash sheets from our bed on HOT wash and dry
  • if they still smell of shit wash them again
  • if the smell persists they will need replacing like-for-like. They came from XX shop and cost £xxx.
  • wash sheets from DSS bed on HOT wash and dry
  • if they still smell of shit wash them again
  • if the smell persists, see above
  • clean downstairs bathroom. If grout on tiles is stained you will need to regrout. This can probably wait a week or so.
  • clean sofa cushion with X and Y. If your shit stain remains book a professional cleaning company to come round and clean sofa. Remember to book a day off work to be here for this
  • open all windows to try to remove the stench

etc

Present him with this, and say that when all the above is done he can call you and suggest you return home. An exception is the contract cleaning, if that needs to happen, you will consent to return home beforehand, but he will need to buy a throw or something to cover the stain.

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 16:41

I think a list will set the bar for the future Why should the op present him with what to do? He should know

Longdistance · 04/03/2012 16:43

Chuck a bucket of cold water over the lazy SHIT!!!

lolaflores · 04/03/2012 16:44

Listen, here is the definitive answer. We send in the MN goon squad. A menacing crowd of women (men more than welcome) who stand in total silence, with perhaps an occasional hissing sound. tents can be brought and we will not disperse till he does the cleaning up. and then bring his mum round. and ten for fuiture reference, the mob may well turn up unannounced.
who is up for it.
Flash mums mob

BalloonSlayer · 04/03/2012 16:47

Yes of course he should Noddy, but what will Close do if she comes back and he has wiped a wet wipe round the bathroom, washed the sheets but they still stink and turned a skidmark on the sofa into a large beige smear?

If he says "well I tried, didn't I, God there's no pleasing you," and turns it on her as being too fussy she might end up accepting that and doing the job properly herself.

I think she needs to lay down EXACTLY what constitutes adequate clearing up.

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 16:49

I know what you mean but I still think it will send him the message that she knows what to do and he doesn't!

TimeForMeAndDD · 04/03/2012 16:49

Invite his parents round. Invite his friends round. Invite the neighbours! He is keen to avoid embarrassment but refuses to clean up his disgusting mess so hit him where it hurts.

scarletforya · 04/03/2012 16:50

That's tempting BalloonSlayer but I'm getting the feeling he's going to try to avoid the whole thing by being helpless and ineffectual until it all goes away.....Angry

He'll lay around feeling sorry for himself until OP breaks and has to sort it herself. Looks like that's been his tactic so far.

RandomMess · 04/03/2012 16:53

I think I would be asking to stay at the inlaws for a few days whilst he cleans it all up...